Scars
by CriminalMindsChick6
Summary: JJ & Hotch have been taken hostage by a killer with a personal history with JJ in a shock twist. As she fights for the life of her and others,the team have to deal with the lifechanging events that follow on afterwards. Heads up: 'angsty' too!
1. The In Between

The door was locked. Someone was coming. The bolt wouldn't move. A scream pierced through the particles in the air. Shouting, lots of it. More screams. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, her heart jolting it round her body, pounding, pounding, faster, faster. Begging, pleading, helpless.

A bang. Blood was trickling along the floor, like a satin ribbon delicately weaving its way around her feet, warm and crimson... then darkness.

So much darkness.

It was suffocating. It pushed down on to her, she tried to hold it off but it was too strong. She couldn't see, she was blind in this place. It was bone chillingly cold. Not a sound, not a glimmer of anything, nothingness. She felt so alone. Like nothing ever before. She felt as if she was the only person who ever existed. It felt like hours were slipping by, and at the same time, that all the clocks had hung still, suspended in the air, leaving no evidence of minutes, days or months behind. The blanket of black immersed her. It crept down her throat and into her lungs, it pushed its way into her blood, freezing its path leaving her feeling hollow. She realised she was fading, crumbling away under the carbon surrounding her, she was too weak to stop it from seeping into her brain...she couldn't fight much longer.

Suddenly, a flicker. A flicker of light pierced the eclipse and it streamed down, warm and comforting. So beautiful, she suddenly felt the urge to get nearer to the beam, to feel its glow on her empty body, to feel less alone, to feel its touch. _"Jennifer." _A whisper echoed around her, vibrating in the emptiness...it didn't fit. She carried on towards the light, she was getting closer. _"Jennifer can you hear me?"_ it came again, so close she could touch it but so far away at the same time. She was slowly shaking off the grip of the darkness, everything seemed clearer with this light, this was where she was supposed to go, and be, where she should have been her entire existence. The whisper sounded again more urgent then the last but the beginning was mumbled. The only audible word she grasped onto as it floated around her was "_crashing". _She continued forward, the light within reach, if she could just stretch out her hand...

A beeping sound was filling her ears. "_Clear!" _This time the whisper became a voice, it was harsh and loud, desperate. The light flickered, losing its beam. She panicked, she couldn't be left alone again, couldn't let it leave. A jolt ran through her body, snatching her away from the glimpse of light. The force crawled around her ankles and clasped onto them tightly, pulling her further from it. The beeping was filling her head, it made the darkness spin and twist and she fought back as she was being dragged away from the comfort of the celestial beam._ "One more time!"_ the voice boomed and an electric current seized through her veins, over taking the darkness. It lit a spark within her and she stopped fighting the force to let it take her. She didn't feel afraid anymore. She knew she was ready.


	2. The Change Of Plan

**24 hours earlier.**

"_Hotch are you sure we should be doing this without backup?" _JJ said her voice full of fear and doubt.

She'd never known her boss do anything against protocol in her life. She clung onto the handle on the roof of the car above the window as Hotch spun the car around a corner sharply. All she could see out of her peripheral vision was the blur of the red and blue lights, flashing frantically. Her gun dug into her right hip as she was flattened against the inside of the SUV. She looked over quickly at Hotch who had his eyes dead bolted on the road ahead of him. The night was pitch black, a heavy lead of darkness. The headlights only just lighting a few feet in front of them.

"_JJ with all due respect we do not have time right now, this girl is in danger, and we're the only ones with a chance of helping her." _He said firmly, his face tightly frowning in determination. JJ knew better than to argue with him, she didn't even care about the legal consequences right now. She knew she had to help save this little girl that the Unsub had taken.

She and Hotch together had figured out where he'd be keeping her. The rest of the team had gone to their original location, when Hotch realised that he wouldn't be there, it meant nothing to the Unsub. And this monster was meticulous, organised, did everything for a reason, he was a pure psychopath. He'd done everything according to plan, and that meant this secondary location that should hold meaning to him. He could feel the experience more, get off on it more. JJ shuddered. They were in a rural area of Pennsylvania, JJ's home-state. She knew the cell phone signal all too well; they had no way of contacting the team.

"_JJ keep trying!" _Hotch shouted over the sirens as he put his foot down, her back jerked against the seat as the force of the acceleration jolted her backwards. Her stomach lurched. She flipped open her cell again, jamming her finger on the redial and holding it up to her ear. She could barely hear a thing anyway, but could make out the faint beeping that meant no reception.

"_Nothing Hotch." _She responded, closing her phone and putting it back in her pocket.

_"We're here!" _Hotch yelled slamming on the brakes. They'd arrived at the woods. He leapt out of the car, JJ running behind him, not even stopping to shut the doors. They had no time.

JJ's heart was pounding, forcing more adrenaline through her system to keep her going faster and faster. She could barely make out her boss in front of her as he ran through the blanket of black. Branches of trees close to her reached out and snatched at her hair but she was running so fast she barely acknowledged them. She could make out the 'FBI' written on Hotch's vest occasionally as the moon glinted off it. It hung high and full in the sky, their only form of light in this vastness, their only guide. Did he even know which direction he was going in? JJ thought to herself, but didn't slow down. He always has a plan. The dry floor crunched beneath her and twigs underfoot dug into her boots as she sped over them. The air around them was spookily still, the only sound was Hotch in front of her; he'd started to slow down. She matched his pace, when he stopped abruptly . He held out his hand to signal her to do the same. She caught up with him."_Where are we?" _She asked gasping for air, her hair coming loose out of its ponytail, hanging in front of her face. She instinctively grabbed for her gun. The night was chilly but she felt blazing hot from running. The cold air touched her face and stung slightly.

"_We said it'd be deep in the woods, remote, room and space to do what he needed to do." _Hotch whispered between pants as he slightly creased over, trying to take in oxygen.

"_Hotch, it's gotta be close by. This guy still needs access from the road. We profiled he'd be-" _she stopped for a moment and gulped in rapid breaths. "_Physically weak, he wouldn't be able to carry the girls even unconscious, any further, and he was too good with forensic counter measures to bring a car into the woods and leave a trail of tyre marks". _She rushed the words desperate to do something, anything rather than just standing there blind in the dark.

She kept looking over her shoulder and around her even though she couldn't see anything. Luckily Hotch understood her words, "_We're definitely close." _He stopped a minute and sniffed the air around him. JJ got the waft of the scent at exactly the same time.

_"Fire." _She whispered sharply. She pulled out her gun and held it with both hands, aimed at the ground, ready to move.

"_This way!" _Hotch ordered and started running more slowly this time. JJ copied, as her self-preservation instincts were overtaken by the overwhelming urge to save this child's life. Hotch already had his gun pulled out and was aiming it around him though he could see nothing. They slowed to a walk; it felt like they'd been running for hours. How far into the woods were they? Was this sadist's latest victim here, what if they were wrong? She aimed her weapon into the night, swinging around. Underneath her feet she felt the floor become easier to walk on. She pointed her gun to the ground so she could see from the torch light attached to it. She was right; the path had become easier to walk on. Someone had walked on it before and worn it down. She knew she was in the right place.

"_Hotch?" _She urgently whispered spinning round, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Her blood froze. She stopped on the spot, hyper vigilant, all her senses on overdrive. She began to panic.

"_Hotch?" _She called out again, her voice slightly wavering this time. He couldn't be that far away, she'd literally just seen him. Or had she? How long had they been out here...?

There was a sudden sound to the side of her. She whirled round and aimed her gun, shining the light.

"_Is that you Hotch?" _she said in hushed but urgent tones.

Her fingers were numb as the frost in the air paralyzed them. Her lungs felt like they would give in from the running, and her heart thudded so loud, she felt that it was audible to anyone close by. There was no reply. There was another sound, the rustling of the trees, like they were whispering to each other. She turned around again to where the sound came from this time, holding up her gun. She peered out into the darkness of the woods, the sound coming closer.

"_Who's there?" _She demanded this time, no longer whispering. "_FBI!" _she stated trying to sound forceful but terror coated her tones dragging them down and making her sound like a little girl. She looked round just in time to see something coming full speed into her face. She screamed.

Then it all went dark.


	3. The Awakening

JJ opened her eyes slightly, her vision was blurred. As she rose from the brink of unconsciousness, she became more aware of what was happening around her. She closed her eyes and tried to open them again. It felt like there was a weight on her eyelashes, pulling them down. She suddenly felt a sharp pain in her head; it was like the insides were being scraped out metal, a banging pain, she instinctively tried to reach her hand to it, only to find she couldn't. Was she...tied up?

She squinted as she forced her weary eyes open to see where she was. Her vision was clearer this time; the bare light bulb above her cast little light into the rest of the place. It was like a spot light, harsh and bright staring down at her. Shadows crawled and lurked in the rest of the room. Where was she? She tried to take in her surroundings. She realised that she was lying sideways on a hard wooden floor, and as she craned her head down she could see that her hand and feet had been bound with rope. As she tried to roll she acknowledged the fact that her right hip felt empty. Her gun, it was gone. Blonde hair dangled in front of her face, as a thought whirled into her mind. **Hotch**. It was all coming back to her now, she couldn't find him, and she'd heard a sound...and then...and then someone hit her? It was like her mind was laying out the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle for her to force together, her thoughts didn't fit, she couldn't quite see, or remember what had happened. She had blank spaces between them, like a computer just hitting the delete button, over and over and over.

"_Arghh."_

JJ tilted her head to see where the sound was coming from, wincing at the pain she felt in her neck. She looked across the room to see her boss lying on the floor opposite her. His face half fell in the shadows and he was tied up also. She couldn't make sense of what was happening. Someone took them? She saw him grimace as he tried to roll over. His vest was gone, his tie too. He had on his white shirt with the first few buttons missing, and something on his shirt, what was it? JJ looked closer to see a few speckles of red. _"Hotch." _She whispered, her voice hoarse and strained. Her vocal chords hurt, had she been screaming? Hotch managed to weakly open his eyes as he forced his body to roll over facing JJ.

"_JJ..."_ he replied in a slur as his eyes closed again.

_"Hotch what happened? Are you ok?" _the blonde agent asked urgently trying to piece together the pieces, too many pieces. She tried to look where she was more closely. Across the room near Hotch was a chair against the wall, plain and wooden like the floors. The place was bare. She sniffed as something caught her nostrils. **Fire.** She thought, and then she remembered. **The Unsub, the girl, the woods. **It was slowly coming back.

"_Hotch listen to me." _She started, the panic setting in, overtaking the urge to close her eyes and sink back. "_They're going to find out where we are, they're going to come."_ She scrunched up her face with pain as the light filtered down into her eyes, and her wrists were burnt from the ropes. Hotch opened his eyes again and looked straight into her ocean blue ones.

_"JJ...I don't even...know where we are." _Hotch replied, the distraught look evident in his dark eyes. He didn't look in a good shape. He looked, almost drugged. JJ tried hard to keep her mind awake, analysing; she was going to have to do something. "_How did we get here, Hotch talk to me" _she said quietly but forcefully, trying to keep her unit chief awake and distracted.

"_He was there." _Hotch whispered back his eyes coming down in regret. "_He got you...knocked you out...I...I ran when I heard you scream..." _Hotch murmured back at her. "_I'm sorry". _He looked back at JJ, and then down at his hands and feet sighing.

"_Ssh" _she replied, trying to use her drained energy to free the rope constraining her. She tugged but her weakness was no match for her make-shift handcufts. "_It's not your fault, the unsub-"_

"_I'm honoured that you'd use such a fancy word for me Jennifer." _A voice cooed quietly, echoing off the empty walls. JJ tried to look to see where the sound came from but her head felt too heavy to move. She couldn't reach that far. Suddenly, a face emerged from the shadows near Hotch. She saw his eyes first. His pale blue eyes, as they penetrated hers. She tried to move instinctively, to get away from this horrifying man that was slowly stepping towards her but she couldn't. As he came closer, she saw more of him, bit by bit. He had brown hair that was cut short, and a chequered red shirt that was torn at the sleeves. She saw that he was a small man, five foot six at the most, just like the profile said. The profile...

"_Who are you?" _She breathed as he ascended fully into the light now. She could properly see the stubble on his face; smell the heavy scent of tobacco on his clothes. Hotch's eyes were open with an effort, staring at the man, helpless like her. The Unsub reached JJ and squatted down next to her. His muddy boots inches away from her black trousers. She flinched and whimpered as he put a hand on her knee.

"_Don't touch her!" _Hotch tried to say forcefully but his voice wavered as he broke off in pain.

"_I" _he started in a quiet voice, staring deep into JJ's eyes.

"_Am the man you've been waiting for your whole life." _


	4. The Horrifying Truth

**Sorry it's so dark at the moment guys, it's going to be like this for a while but if it's your kind of thing keep going! (I guess if you like the show anyway it's not any different to that) :)**

JJ tried harder to break free of her restraints. This man was the most repulsive thing she'd ever seen. As he smiled wickedly at her, his yellow teeth protruded beneath his cracked lips. He had deep bags under his piercing eyes and his clothes were dirty. JJ realised that her efforts were no use but she still continued to try rather than sit there helpless. She glanced over at Hotch; he was trying to do the same too but looked too weak. He kept his eyes on her, though his gaze was just as limp as his body. _"What..." _JJ tried to string together a sentence, to put the words in the right order.  
>But the pain in her head...<p>

"_C'mon, sweetheart." _The man cackled not breaking his stare at her and keeping his hand firmly placed on her knee.

JJ wanted to look away from him, to close her eyes and be back at the BAU, to be back where she was safe. Was this really happening? She tried hard to look at him, remembering that the profile said he was a confident, organised killer, a narcissist, egotistical...**a psychopath.  
><strong>He looked at her longingly for a moment before he spoke again, this time he moved his hands from her knee, and gently placed his on top of hers. JJ felt herself gasp slightly at his ice cold touch.

_"You know who I am really". _He laughed again, chuckling to himself cruelly. JJ looked at him intently, was he playing games or was he telling the truth, did she really know this man? Her mind felt hazy, like a veil over her thoughts, so close to touch yet so impossible to reach. She couldn't even remember which day it was, let alone if she'd ever seen this man before. She figured he was probably bluffing.

"_I've...I've never seen you before..." _She tried to say bravely but her voice shook slightly. His smile faded a little, and he bent down closer to her, and combed the stray blonde hair away from her face and behind her ear. He looked deep into her big eyes.

_"Of course you have." _He said this time with some other emotion coating his tone. Anger?

_"You, you don't remember that time?" _He was starting to look more enraged.

JJ was desperately trying to think of ways to escape. But everything looked useless. There was nothing she could cut the rope with, no improvised weapon she could use. What was going to happen to Hotch? She had to keep him talking, her team would find them soon enough, they had to, they always did...  
>"<em>All I know, is that you killed those three children." <em>She blurted out not wanting to look back into those cold eyes. "_You abused them, and then dumped their bodies like, like trash on the side of the road". _She could feel herself tearing slightly but bit back her tears; she had to stay in control of this situation.

_"Jennifer-"_ he said moving his hand now to her face where he stroked her cheek. "_You don't remember..." _He said looking at her pityingly, something was igniting within him, he was starting to unravel.

JJ looked back at him blankly, shaking her head, this felt like a dream. _"Why?" _She started to whisper, biting harder on her lip. "_Why would you do that to those innocent...children?" _She asked her voice full of morbidity. The banging in her head was building to a crescendo. She couldn't afford a look at Hotch now, she couldn't break her gaze. She had to keep her attention fixated on the Unsub, though she heard Hotch murmur in pain close to her.

Without warning, the man snatched his hand away from her cheek and reached into the back of his jeans, drawing a gun. JJ inhaled in fright. She felt so useless without her own, her natural instinct would be to draw hers too, to fight, but she couldn't. He cocked it and tilted his head to the side, looking down at her as he crouched by her side. His face had grown redder and his pupils had dilated.

_"I DID THIS FOR YOU!" _he shouted, spitting everywhere as he did. JJ frowned, the light was so intense, her head was going to explode. She carried on looking at him, her turquoise eyes full of confusion.

"_What?" _she said loudly, starting to care less about her own terror. He placed the tip of the gun against his head as he traced random patterns, closing his eyes.

"_I said, I did this for __**you.**__" _He opened his eyes and stood up now, pacing across the floor between her and Hotch.

She tried to follow him but her eyes were so tired. Her body hurt so much. He stopped over JJ.

"_I knew you'd come back for me!"_ He laughed slightly at this. "_I knew if I did that with the kids you'd come back."_ He reiterated nodding and laughing still. "_I've watched you Jennifer, and I'm so proud of you." _He whispered gesturing towards the wall behind JJ. With all her effort, she tried to roll her body over, not wanting to turn her back on this monster but trying to understand him at the same time. She squinted as her vision blurred slightly. There was something on the wall, a blur of white and black against the dark wood. Her vision cleared for a moment and she saw what was really there. She gasped in shock and felt a wave of nausea wash over her. _"Not a day goes by that I don't think about you." _He whispered softly. JJ carried on staring at the wall, trying to make sense of it.

The wall was covered in photographs of her, her blonde hair shining in the sun, her smile beaming, oblivious to whoever had taken the picture. Newspaper articles were laid besides the pictures. The BAU, her, The FBI, her, her, her, her, her, her.

She felt sick.

"_You killed those children because of...me?" _She heaved her breath in; the room was starting to turn. She couldn't roll back over to face him. He misinterpreted her sentence, and walked over, in between the wall and her. The smile spread across his face.

"_I had to get your attention some way sweetheart." _He replied, still holding his gun, pointed at the floor. "_I knew this was the only way we could be together." _He suddenly lifted his weapon and pointed at Hotch. JJ rolled back over to face Hotch. She couldn't take this any longer; it was like some sort of sick nightmare.

"_Unfortunately, Mr Big-Shot Agent Aaron Hotchner had to disrupt our evening together". _He walked to stand over JJ's boss. His face contorted with his rage that he felt towards him. "_Which means, I have to take care of that." _He aimed the gun at Hotch's head, his finger on the trigger.

"NO!" JJ screamed. Hotch came round from his drugged state to look up at the Unsub and then at JJ. His eyes were full of apologies. JJ's mind was whirring quickly, desperately searching for something. The man stopped and turned to look towards her. "_He means nothing to me, he's...he's not even worth a bullet." _She said determined to look sincere.

She could feel Hotch staring at her but she knew he'd understand. The man gazed at her face, and suddenly released his finger from the trigger. He sniggered. _"You're right Jennifer."_ And he spat on Hotch's shirt. JJ cringed, she felt her emotions slipping, but mentally kept reminding herself not to cry. "_I'm sorry, I, err, I couldn't remember before but I do now." _She rambled, improvising, her survival techniques taking over.

"_Tell me about it, I want to hear it again". _She knew this would play into his inflated sense of self worth, and would help her figure out when he was convinced they'd met, or if they even had at all. Obviously this man had been **stalking** her for some time, she suddenly felt so stupid for not even realising. She was a trained agent, she should have seen something...

He didn't even bother to look at Hotch again, instead he came over to JJ, putting his hand behind her head and pushing her up, so she was sitting. She felt the room spin, her head pounded and her limbs felt dead. The Unsub fetched the chair from the other side of the room and lifted her onto it. She couldn't have fought even if she wanted to. She felt so lifeless; she tried not to look too repulsed with his touch.

He kept hold of the gun and smiling, began talking. "_I remember seeing you for the first time, you were so...beautiful" _He said beaming at her, she used everything within her to return the gesture. "_You sister was playing childish games-" _JJ stopped dead at the mention of the S word. The one she'd kept buried down for so long within her. It was like he was taking a shovel, digging it up. Like a scar that had only just healed, to open the wound up all over again...  
>"<em>But you sat there, your golden hair was in a braid. You were drinking soda, the sun was shining down on you. You were like...an angel straight from heaven. And I knew there and then we were meant to be". <em>He crouched down in front of her on the chair, his hands returning to her knees again. She kept the gun in her line of sight the whole time as he carelessly waved it around. Hotch lay still in her peripheral vision; she tried not to think of the worst. She suddenly felt confused, if he had seen her when her sister was...alive, then she couldn't have been more than thirteen? She had pushed the excruciating memories to the back of her mind after all this time, it was hard relying on her mind to go that far back. "_I knew your sister was a pain to you, I saw it." _He continued, tracing circles on her knee, his eyes piercing into her. "_I knew what you wanted me to do, without you even telling me." _JJ stared back icily into his eyes. Sudden panic, her heart skipped a beat.

"_W-what?" _She stuttered.

He patted her arm. "_I told you we're soul mates, we have a connection. Don't you remember silly? I lived right across the road from you, it was __**serendipity **__that brought us together". _He carried on smiling right at her. JJ couldn't think properly, the lights were blinding, like the headlights right before a collision with a car. She didn't want to go any further. She wanted it to stop but she knew she had to ask again.

"_What are you saying?"_ she asked with disgust filling her voice. She was welling up again.

"_Are you telling me you didn't know it was me?" _he asked with light amusement in his voice."_I'm the one who killed your sister." _

And with that the floodgates opened.


	5. The Reliving

**Thanks for the reviews guys, it means a lot. Please let me know how I can improve or what you do/don't like. I'll take it all into consideration. Thanks for reading! **

JJ's whole body shook as her chest felt like it was caving in; she couldn't take enough breaths to satiate her need for oxygen. Swollen tears streamed down her face as she continued looking at this man. A sudden urge to throw up came over her but she didn't let it take over. All she saw was red, she wanted him to say he was lying, she wanted to wake up and be back at home, she wanted her team, she wanted this not to be happening.

"_What did you say you sick son of a bitch?" _She spat out the words furiously, her tears leaving her face sodden. The look on the Unsub's face changed and he withdrew his hands from her knees. His eyes glazed over, and something within him surfaced.

"_How could you be so cruel Jennifer?" _He stood up, glaring over her. He looked taken aback. "_I helped you. I saw how much you hated your sister. All you ever did was argue! She bothered you with her silly little games, ramming rag dolls and make-believe down your throat.__**" **_ He shouted at her, the veins on his face sticking out. He was stood directly under the bare bulb, his fist balled and the gun ready to move. JJ could see under this sterile light that he was fairly aged, in his mid forties to fifties. The profile was accurate, as always. She wanted to break free of the rope binding her, to finish him. Her heart beat a thousand miles per hour, her head twisted. She forgot all about the pain from her concussion, as images of her sister filled her mind. The void that she'd left bare for so long not daring to think about, flooded back in.

Her sister unlike her, with caramel coloured hair, playing in the front yard, a teddy bears picnic, though they were unmistakably related by the same cobalt blue eyes that no one could miss. *"_Jenny, come and play with me..."_ *

She came back to the present and her face froze knowing she had to keep going; it was too far to turn back now. To run away and bolt the secrets back up into the box that was chained so long ago. The piece of gold metal around her neck suddenly felt heavier, choking her. Her sister's necklace.

"_But...she, she committed suicide?" _JJ stared, still crying, in disbelief at the monster above her. "_They confirmed it, they all did!"_She screamed at him. As if the louder she screamed the more likely she was to pierce through his heart and stop him dead.

"_Jennifer, you don't give me enough credit sweetheart. I know how to make things look like...an accident." _He said, his grin full of malice. "_Medical examiners rarely check for a little poison in the system, because after all, it's so rare." _He was still looking at her longingly. She had a million questions whirring through her mind that she didn't want to ask.

"_But, they...they told us. Suicide." _She closed her eyes trying to keep her thoughts in, everything she believed in. Keep it inside her without giving it a way out. She couldn't let him take this from her. All those years...

"_There's a lot of things you can do post-mortem Jennifer. She'd shown signs of depression beforehand, everyone knew, it was a small town. Doctors don't like to poke around in young girl's bodies that they're so close to..."_ He trailed off, mentally reliving the experience. JJ saw his eyes look at something far away in his mind. He came back with a chuckle.

"_And now, we can be together forever. We can get out of here. We can run away". _ He bent down again, holding her arms in a creepy manner, gripping a little too tight. JJ visibly flinched at his vice grip.

"_My team, they will find us." _She managed to stutter though the doubt was evident in her voice. He smiled again at her.

"_Well, they've already had plenty of time and, I don't see them." _He said, mockingly looking around the room.

JJ couldn't believe everything she'd just heard. She felt like her whole life had been a lie. It still hurt thinking about her sister, like a knife twisting into her heart. And now it'd been **her fault.** A stray hair stuck to her tear stained cheek. Coming back to her home state, the victimology, kids the same age as her sister, honey-brown coloured hair. He knew, he'd planned everything. So she subconsciously would look at the case and make it the BAU's priority to go there, because she knew the pain, and she knew the area. And she suddenly remembered.

"_The girl, who you took." _She said hesitantly not sure if she wanted to carry on further. "_Where, where is she?" _Another tear spilled down her cheek. "_She's only ten; she needs to go home, to her family." _JJ broke again on the last word of her sentence.

"_She's taken care of." _He said offhandedly, still remaining attached to JJ.

"_You, KILLED her?" _JJ furiously spluttered. He put a finger to her pale pink lips.

"_I never said that. I let this one live. To show you how kind I am. I had to keep her until you came anyway. She's all safely locked away don't you worry." _He said in a shushing tone. JJ tried to move her head away from his finger which was so close to her skin. "_I think it's time for us to leave." _He whispered. And with that he bent down to start untying the rope restraints on JJ's hands. She cried and whimpered.

Suddenly there was a creak behind him. He whirled around to be hit with a heavy plank of wood to his face. The noise of the collision made JJ flinch, and he fell straight to the floor, still conscious but badly injured. His face was a bloodied mess. She looked behind him to see Hotch lying on the floor, his fingers still clasped around the plank. He looked exhausted, his eyes barely open. "_Run". _He murmured, his lifeless eyes looking into hers.

"_Hotch." _She whispered, the tears still coming.

She suddenly felt a new jolt of adrenaline course through her blood and she knew that she had something to fight for. She struggled against the rope on her hands, luckily he had already loosened them off slightly and JJ grunted as she finally broke free. She bent down to untie her ankle ones and hobbled over to Hotch, her limbs dead. "_Go JJ" _He said urgently, his mind sinking back again.

"_I'm going to get us out of here." _She whispered. Her heart was thumping hard, ready for the flight to save her life. It all depended on her.

And with that she ran.


	6. The Flight or Fight

**Thanks for reading and reviewing this story, please continue doing so, it's really helpful! Hope you don't think I'm putting JJ through too much...**

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><p>She couldn't afford a glance back to see what the Unsub was doing. Her body was in so much pain but her heart continued to beat fast, pumping the chemical around her body, the one that was keeping her alive. She could hear him groaning and moving from the floor, acknowledging her escape. JJ felt a sudden pang of guilt for leaving her boss so easily, but she hadn't been able to reach for the Unsub's gun before she started to run, it was under his body when he'd fallen, she couldn't have risked it. She kicked herself for not trying now though. That would have been the easiest option to get everyone out of here alive. But her head wasn't clear for thoughts. All she was trained to do during cases had changed the moment she realised that she was part of the case this time. She was the victimology, she was the target, and she was the reason her poor little sister...She cut herself off mid thought as her vision blurred with tears, blinking furiously to try and clear her sight. She had run through the room now and into another. She realised that they were in some sort of cabin, and she could hear him as he heaved himself off the floor and took flight chasing after her.<p>

How was she going to escape? She didn't even know how far into the woods they were. He probably knew his way around better than she could ever imagine. She had to get her team, she had to save Hotch, she had to find the girl.

**Find the girl**. JJ thought as a sudden newfound courage and fresh batch of adrenaline was surged through her bloodstream. He was probably keeping her in some sort of shed, or attic, or...what if he had another place in these woods, a third location? She couldn't even bear to think of all this, it was too overwhelming. Her chances of surviving were too slim. JJ rammed the door shut of the room she was in and saw a table of some sorts on the other side. She quickly let go off the handle she was holding with an iron grip and pushed with a strength she didn't know she had, until the table was in front of the door, blocking his entry. She knew it wouldn't hold him off long enough but she had to try, it was better than nothing. She now needed to find a way out of here. If running as far as she could into the endless woods was her only option, then so be it. She needed her team, and she knew both Hotch and the girl wouldn't last long without her presence.

BANG!

The sudden noise made JJ jump although she expected it. He'd realised that she'd blocked the door and shouted out in anger. JJ clasped a hand over her mouth, tears streaming down her face. She felt so helpless, so terrified.

"_Come out Jennifer! Don't you try and run away from me!" _He screamed in between his attempts at barging the door down.

"_Leave me alone!" _She wailed through sobs. He continued banging. She looked around the room, her blue eyes scanning for something, searching for anything. She saw another door on the side of the room. She ran across the room like lightning and plunged herself into the darkness of the other. She fumbled for a light, for something to help guide her through, but she came up empty. A feeling suddenly washed over her, she was going to meet the same fate as her baby sister. Her face was sodden and she inhaled sharply and quickly, her brain whirring.

*"_Jenny, why won't you play with me?"* _

The shrill childish voice filled her mind, blocking her ears and her sight as she saw the face of her sister, her giant eyes bored into her imploringly as her caramel hair fell in gentle waves on her shoulders. She looked upset and angry. Her lip curled out slightly, pouting at her sibling.

"_I'm so sorry." _JJ whispered into the darkness.

She walked over the floor when something creaked below her. She felt a give in the wood with her bare feet, sensitive already to touch from the burning rope restraints. Once again, she was right. She bent down, brushing her hand over it in the blindness, trying to feel for something to confirm her instincts. She felt a small relief as she found a metal clasp and unhooked it with shaking fingers and a determined mind, and the wood opened like a trap door. Without even thinking, knowing she had little time left, she went in feet first, her legs meeting some stairs. She started walking down them, closing the door as she felt her way around, taking in her surroundings. The walls were close together, barely leaving a space between her slim body. She heard a louder crack from the kitchen, and knew he'd got in. She clasped a hand over her mouth to stifle her sobs but knew it would be fruitless as he would soon figure out where she'd gone.

"_JENNIFER!" _He screamed at the top of his lungs, all the desire from his voice earlier gone as she heard the cock of his gun. He'd made up his mind, she knew this would happen, she'd studied stalker cases-gone-wrong for many years, she always knew what happened in the end.

She ran hurriedly down the steps now only to find a small light in the corner of the basement where she stood. It dimly lit the room and she could see, surrounding her were grey cemented walls, closing her in. The room was tiny, but there was again another door through it, it had a small peephole window in it and something about this one looked more final than the others.

The end of the journey.

Beside the door was a stool, minimalistic, just like the rest of his house, efficiency was the only thing that mattered to him.

She ran to the door and peered through the hole, she couldn't believe her eyes. Before her lay a small girl on the floor, gagged and tied up, but very much alive, peering back at her. Her hair was a golden brown and her eyes lit up slightly in terror, JJ gasped as she saw the same colour of the ocean reflected back at her, even in the dim lighting. They pierced into her soul and she knew she had to fight until the end, for this child, for her sister.

The trapdoor above her opened and the fast, heavy thudded footsteps bore down the stairs. Like a mouse in a trap, JJ couldn't bring herself to turn around and face what she knew was waiting for her. She took one last brief glance at the girl, and slowly turned to see the awaiting monster. "_Jennifer." _He stretched out the word, clearly out of breath. JJ felt her heart skip a beat at the sound of her name coming out this creature's mouth. The syllables hung in the air, lingered in her ears and made her feel sick. He pointed the gun at her stomach, just a few feet away from her. She could smell the heavy scent of cigarettes on him again; see the blood dripping down and over his cracked lips, the utter hatred evident in his eyes, the betrayal that he felt. "_I didn't want you to make me do this!" _He shouted, a single tear streaming down his face as he looked at her. She froze to the spot, her blood running cold, her mind racing.

"_Go to hell!" _JJ screamed, the image of the little girl and her sister filling her mind again, merging into one. With that she moved so quickly the Unsub didn't know what was happening. She grabbed the stool and swung it around, hitting him in the head; it shattered into a few pieces with the force, a leg of it rolling by to JJ. He grunted in anger and moved closer to her with the gun. "_I loved my sister, and you...you took that away from me!" _she screamed as she threw her leg up in the air with a slight spin of her body kicking the weapon out of his hands and onto the floor with a crash of metal. Though her body and mind was in the most pain she'd ever been in, she'd never been more determined, more focused now than she had been in her whole life. "_NO!" _He screeched bending down to pick it up but JJ was too quick again for him, the disgust and contempt for this hideous man filling her entire body. She bent down and grasped the stray wooden leg that was splintered at the top, and smacked him round the head again, the booming sound of the collision of the wood on his skull not even making her flinch. He fell to the floor with an almighty thump. But the gun was too far away, she couldn't risk trying to reach for it. "_I was looking after you." _He stuttered between sharp breaths. She felt this rage fill her up to the brim and she wanted to see more blood spill from him, to hurt him more, just like he'd hurt her family. He lay on the floor, holding his head and screaming in pain but JJ kept steady, ready to strike again. She knew if she could just get the girl out and get past him they could try and escape; it was their only option for help. She suddenly turned her back on him, her nurturing instincts taking over looking into the small window, thinking about Hotch sacrificing everything for her, thinking of the girl lying scared and alone just like her sister would have. If this was the last thing she saw then she was glad, she could never ask for something more familiarly beautiful.

She felt an icy grip on her neck as his fingers wove around her delicate structure, crushing her slowly. She choked and spluttered for air, thrashing around, her clasp on the wooden peg loosened, and it fell to the floor echoing around in the claustrophobic chamber. She managed to kick her leg up as far back as it would go, aiming for his crotch. He moaned in pain as he was winded and dropped his grip from her neck. "_I will end you__."_ she spat out at him. JJ saw her chance to punch him in the face, going for his broken nose that Hotch had created earlier. **Hotch...**

He cried out, covering his face with his hands, spitting in rage and making sounds like a wild animal. JJ felt no pain in her knuckles from the collision of bone on bone; she had too much adrenaline protecting her. He reacted back with a punch of his own before JJ could duck out of it. He collided with her right eye and more tears flowed down in pain but she didn't let it stop her, though she groaned in agony. With all of her remaining energy, she kicked him in the gut, surprising herself again with her own strength when mixed with sheer terror. He fell to the floor, right next to the gun.

All she could think about was the girl. She took this opportunity to spin around again, she had to get her out of here, and fast. She pounded on the door but it was locked. Ramming her fist into it, giving it all her might, she wept loudly, shoving her body against the sturdy timber. The little girl looking so frightened into the mirror of her eyes. She lay curled up, vulnerable, alone. JJ wanted to hold her and protect her. Like she should have done for her little sister. She tried the handle furiously, knowing it was useless.

Her head clouded over as she heard the familiar rattle of metal and knew what was happening.

"_I've always loved you Jenny". _He whispered.

Someone was coming. The bolt wouldn't move. A scream pierced through the particles in the air. Shouting, lots of it. More screams. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, her heart jolting it round her body, pounding, pounding, faster, faster. Begging, pleading, helpless.

A bang. Blood was trickling along the floor, like a satin ribbon delicately weaving its way around her feet, warm and crimson... then darkness.

So much darkness.


	7. The Waiting

**A/N: I will be doing a few flashbacks in the next few chapters to weave in any unstated detail and to fill in some gaps. Thanks for the reviews- please keep them coming! They are so motivational. Also I am open to taking popular suggestions for the plot line, it's you who's reading it after all! I do have some ideas but nothing's set in stone. **

Prentiss picked at her finger nails forcefully. A tear splashed onto her hand as she kept her head bent down, her dark hair covering her face. She bit her lip to stop the sobs from escaping her throat, and pulled hard at her skin, barely feeling the pain, she felt numb; all she could think about was...

**JJ**. Hotch thought whilst pacing the corridors with his hands in his pockets. He glanced over at the nurse's desk trying to detect any signs of new information from incoming charts or doctors. He couldn't bear to think about what was going on in there right now. His brows were furrowed, lines on his forehead etched deep into his face. He had to stay strong; his team were going to need him. Taking his hands out of his jacket and subconsciously rubbing at the fresh scar on his arm where the drugs had gone in, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He'd made it out with a few scratches and minor damage, which was a near miracle given the situation. It had all happened so...

**Quickly**. Reid said to himself mentally as he kept glancing at the clock. Exactly one minute and 22 seconds had passed since he last had. JJ was one of his closest friends. He trusted her with his life, though he did with the rest of the team, their friendship was so fierce and unwavering. His lips quivered as tears rolled down his face. He couldn't go through the agony of loosing someone. Not...

**Again. **Morgan pleaded, his hands in a prayer, shaking his head, internally bargaining with God. This team would crumble without her, he would. He opened his eyes and looked at Hotch pacing. He had never seen Hotch look so forlorn in his life. He prayed for her, JJ's...

**Strong. **Rossi thought, his arms crossed and his leg twitching nervously as he took in his surroundings. Tears filled his eyes but he knew he had to help Hotch; they had to be focused, ready. Their girl would survive this, she's a tough cookie. Though a voice deep within him questioned him. What if she...

Garcia couldn't let herself even breathe the word; even let it come into her mind. Her ocean blue mascara was stained down her face and her once petunia-lipstick had worn off as she pressed her lips together whilst she cried heavily, her chest heaving, her lungs caving in. Morgan who was sat next to her looked up and placed one hand gingerly on her back, rubbing in small circles. She looked up at him, deep into his chocolate eyes, and for the first time saw true pain in them. He moved his hand down her arm to hers and gently squeezed it.

A clicking of heels came down the corridor, fast paced and heavy. The team instinctively looked up at the incoming woman, and Hotch was the first one across the room to her. "_Agent Jennifer Jareau?" _the doctor asked, deep concern written across her face.

"_Yes." _Hotch said sharply though the pain was evident in his slightly cracking voice. He felt as if his heart had a weight on it, awaiting the news. Prentiss and Reid stood up, their swollen eyes imploring. Rossi, Morgan and Garcia stayed sitting but gazed unbreakably at the doctor.

The doctor looked at the floor.


	8. The Raid

**A/N Please keep the reviews coming, they are really inspiring for me to continue writing! Sorry if you think this is being dragged out, or started too abruptly. I'm going to try and fill in some gaps along the way. Though the story is, and will be mainly from JJ's POV, I am trying to show you some different perspectives through the other characters.**

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><p><strong>6 hours earlier.<strong>

"_I don't give a crap about a warrant Rossi we need to do this now_!" Morgan yelled, looking to the older agent by his side. Rossi hung up the phone, and nodded once.

"_Go." _He simply ordered, knowing that his say meant nothing in all of this, Derek would do it anyway. With that gesture, Morgan leaned back and kicked the door open so hard, the hinges blew off. The entrance was plain wood anyway, weak compared to the opposing force.

"_FBI_!" Prentiss shouted through the empty cabin, her voice echoing off the walls in the bare room. She aimed her gun around, barely being able to see anything and relying on the torch she was holding under her firearm. Morgan was close on her heels.

"_CLEAR!" _She said loudly so that the rest of them could follow. She didn't even stop to turn and see the rest of the team run into the room and split off into conjoining ones. She ran into another in front of her, darkness surrounding her, and a smell, a smell of wood burning, a fire. She bit back the fear that grasped in her throat; she couldn't stop thinking of JJ.

**Her best friend.**

She whirled around, her weapon still pointing into the blanket of black. She heard the clomping of everyone's boots further back in the cabin, and shouts of signals telling them it was empty. She knew this was the right place, they'd followed the tire marks, seen the car for Christ's sake, empty a little way into the woods. The lights still flashing, signalling the danger, the doors left wide open. She couldn't even bear to breathe the thought that came into her mind.

"_Guys I think you should come take a look at this." _Reid shouted from a nearby room. She heard people move to him, but she pressed on, trusting her instincts. She knew someone had to be here. She couldn't bring herself to lower her gun; she had to keep moving on.

"_What the hell..."_ She heard Morgan whisper in shock as he joined Reid.

Suddenly, she could make out something in front of her. What was it? A dark shape in the shadowy room, sprawled out across the floor. "_Oh god." _She stuttered biting down her lip in fear. She aimed her gun instinctively at the figure, her torch beaming down on the unknown object. She saw a glimpse of the short, jet black hair and her heart missed a beat, her blood froze icily, still in her veins.

"_Hotch?" _She asked; the trepidation apparent in her voice. She ran over, all her fear of the unknown gone, she didn't care; she needed to help her boss. Was he...?

She reached out two fingers, her hands visibly shaking. Taking a sharp inhale of air, she placed her fingers gently on his neck.

A heartbeat, faint, but definitely there, she sighed and tears pricked the back of her eyes. "_I NEED A MEDIC!" _She ordered, her voice ten times louder in the empty dark room. Morgan came running in.

"_Prentiss, what-" _Morgan cut himself short, taking in the scene before him, horror filling his eyes as he ran to Emily, bent over their unit chief, their friend. "_Hotch." _He said, his tone urgent but vulnerable at the same time.

"_He's okay, I can feel a pulse." _She replied flicking back her hair from off her face. "_I think he must have been drugged, look at his arm." _She nodded her head towards his rolled up sleeve, under Morgan's torchlight on his gun he saw a bruise on Hotch's arm, a fresh scar.

"_Medics on their way." _He said helplessly, bending down and shaking Hotch gently. "_Can you hear me Hotch? Everything's gonna be okay." _He said as confidently as he could. Prentiss' leg grazed something else; she shone her light on it.

"_What's this plank of wood doing here?" _she asked, looking at the object.

"_Maybe that's what the unsub used to knock him out?" _Morgan offered back.

Prentiss and Morgan suddenly froze still to the spot when a loud bang jolted through them. Prentiss looked up at her partner, her eyes wide in shock. Morgan dropped his grip on Hotch's shoulder and held his weapon up, Prentiss followed.

"_Over here!" _Morgan shouted back into the other room, all his survival instincts going out the window. The Unsub had JJ, the bang. He pieced it all together. Someone pulled the trigger but who was it? Prentiss was close behind Morgan when he stepped into a smaller room that was again, pitch black. He halted for a moment, placing a hand against Prentiss' stomach telling her silently, to do the same. He listened intently.

"_It's coming from down below". _Prentiss murmured, her voice full of worry, making her sound like a young girl playing hide and seek with her friends. Her heart beat fast, she felt like it would explode from her chest, and right through the Kevlar. She felt like everyone else in that cabin could hear it, bouncing off the walls. They were soon joined by company.

"_Guys what's going on?" _Reid asked, his voice an octave higher with anxiety, his hand tight on his gun, he could just make out the faint shape of the two agents before him. Rossi and the lead detective on the case were behind him, their firearms drawn and ready to shoot like Reid's.

"_It came from below" _Prentiss reiterated to the others. Morgan bent down to the floor; his hands searching and finding the clasp, yanking the door open with all his power, adrenaline surging through him. "_Stairs." _He yelled back to the others, running down them full speed, feeling his way around the tight walls, Reid and Prentiss the closest behind him.

Prentiss gasped in horror.

Morgan stood only a foot or two away from the monster. His eyes scanned the small area quickly trying to take in the situation. His rage filled him up when he saw her. He wanted to take this man down, and now.

"_Drop your weapon you son of a bitch." _Morgan stated simply, his anger clear in his voice. His face scrunched up in the immediate disgust he felt for this man. The others held their gun up, mirroring Morgan. With all of them in the tiny room, there was barely any space to move.

"_JJ..."_ Reid whispered, a sob slightly breaking out on the last syllable.

"_I SAID PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD! DON'T MAKE ME PUT A BULLET THROUGH YOUR BRAIN!" _Morgan shouted even louder than the last time. He knew he had to take him down before they could get past to JJ. He tried to keep his thoughts coherent. He was the decision maker when Hotch wasn't around, it was the unspoken rule, everyone else trusted him.

"_If I can't be with her, then I don't want to be here at all." _The man whimpered, his pale blue eyes staring helplessly into Morgan's. His voice eerily soothing, he sounded like he was talking to a child. He looked at the sight before him, a tear rolling down his face, blood trickling down his skin, reaching his mouth and smearing across his cheek. With that, he raised his gun to his head.

"_NO!"_ Rossi shouted, knowing what was happening.

Morgan slid his finger on the trigger, making the miniscule movement that could cause so much damage. He released, his gun making a huge bang in the tiny cellar, ringing in their ears.

The bullet clipped the Unsub's shoulder. Crying out in pain, he dropped his weapon as he reached up for his wound, falling to the floor.

Morgan ran up to him, kicking away the gun out of his reach. Rossi ran over to help Morgan cuff him, the hate for this man filling both their bodies, he'd done this to their girl. Morgan knew he could have easily ended this man's life. But he wanted him to suffer; he wasn't the bad guy in this. There was nothing he wanted more than to put this awful man behind bars, and make him pay for what he'd done.

"_Help JJ!" _Rossi shouted over to the agents behind him but they didn't need to be told. Reid and Prentiss had already ran over to the blonde, a curled up ball on the floor. There was a glistening trail of blood encircling her body, wrapping delicately around her torso.

"_No, no, no"_ Reid said shaking his head, the sobs escaping. Prentiss pressed her lips together to stop the hysteria from spilling out as the saw where the blood was coming from. A neat stain spilled out onto JJ's white blouse, straight from her stomach. She reached her fingers out again and placed them on her tanned skin neck, her golden blonde hair spilling over her hand as she did so. Her eyelids pale and closed gently, like she was sleeping. Her lips still perfect in shape despite the beating she'd been given. Prentiss gasped laughing slightly as her hopeful dark eyes bore into Reid's.

"_She's alive!" _She breathed, smiling weakly through her streaming tears. Reid held onto JJ's hand, her knuckles scratched, and reached his other to pull the hair off her face. He grimaced at the sight of her; he couldn't believe any of this. Not JJ, nothing ever happened to JJ. Prentiss lay her gun down and sat down by her side, crying. Her hand on her best friend's arm.

The detective came over from behind Prentiss. "_The medics are here."_

But neither one let go.


	9. The News

**A/N: In this ff, JJ is not in a relationship with Will, or has kids. Thought I'd just give you a heads up for future chapters so you don't get confused.**

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><p><strong>Present time<strong>

The doctor's sharp green eyes finally met Hotch's as she looked up after a moment's thought. Her gaze fell on Hotch's fresh bruise on his jaw; Hotch noticed this but carried on listening. "_The bullet tore straight through her abdomen, causing a great deal of internal bleeding". _She sighed playing with the pen in her hand, trying to maintain eye contact with him. "_It was touch and go for a while but our surgeons were able to repair __**most**__ of the damage." _

"_What, what does this mean?" _Prentiss asked the doctor, uncertainty filling her voice. She wiped away a rogue tear making its way down her cheek. All she wanted to do was see JJ's face, see her alive.

"_It means that we were able to save her life." _The doctor said, biting at the inside of her lip. Rossi rose out of his chair and crossed over the waiting room to the woman.

"_What aren't you telling us?" _He asked, pleading. Garcia was still stifling her loud snivels and Morgan's eyes were brimming with worry. It felt like they'd all been in waiting rooms for each member of the team way too often. The sterile lights were harsh and blinding, the smell of antiseptic always a little too strong for them to ever get used to. Something about this environment brought back a lot of bad, past memories for them all.

They all stared straight at the doctor, no one breaking their gaze.

"_Because of the bleeding, the body has lost a lot of circulating red blood cells, which compromises oxygen delivery to cells in her body. Because of this, her body went into shock which caused a lot of problems." _She sighed, looking down at the chart she was holding again, looking uncomfortable in the situation.

"_We're doing a blood transfusion as we speak; unfortunately...the blood has compressed some organs, especially her liver." _She looked them all in the eye and her eyebrows pulled together in sympathy. "_However we are confident that it will eventually recover and not go into failure". _

Hotch crossed his arms with a hand raised to his face, a finger tracing roughly over his lips, he could feel the scab of stitches where his lips has split with the first punch. Prentiss rubbed her hands together, another tear streaming down her cheek, she turned to look at Reid who was sat leaning forward, his lip trembling and frowning to the floor, Garcia continued to cry at this news with Morgan still trying to comfort her, Rossi played with the ring on his small finger, taking in what they'd just been told.

No one spoke for a moment.

"_Can we see her?" _A small voice asked quivering, everyone turned to look at Reid who was now facing the doctor with a look of devastation on his face.

"_She's not come back around yet from the anaesthesia I'm afraid. Because her BP dropped so low and she crashed, it induced a minor comatose state... sort of a way of her brain protecting itself". _ She shuffled on the spot, her heels slightly scratching against the shiny floor.

"_How long will it be until she's awake do you think?" _Hotch asked, half of him not wanting to know the answer, but the other one needing to prepare. The team's blank, questioning faces met hers intently.

"_I honestly can't tell you at this point, I'm sorry Agent Hotchner". _She said looking only at him again now; her eyes were slightly squinted in pity, staring at him. She spoke again. "_If she's lucky, I would unofficially guess at least a few days." _

He pressed his finger harder to his lips, looking at the floor.

"_Can't you do anything else?" _Morgan suddenly asked in an angry tone. "_You said there's a possibility she may need a transplant, how long can you wait to make sure she's okay if you're keeping her in a coma?"_ his voice transpiring into a more helpless manner. He released his hand from Garcia and rubbed his head. Rossi walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder in a restraining way.

"_I'm sorry, we've done all we can do for now." _The doctor said with finality. "_Here's my card, if you have any more questions." _giving her office phone number to Hotch, she glanced at them all again. "_I'm very sorry about this situation."_ She said gingerly and turned on her heels, striding back off down the corridor.

She left them all standing and sitting frozen to the spot in what felt like the longest silence ever, Garcia finally spoke, making some of them visibly flinch at the intrusion of their thoughts.

"_So what do we do?" _She asked, her big eyes wide open in disbelief, her pink glasses clasped in her hands and her face stained bright blue.

"_We need to just be here for JJ." _Rossi said taking a seat next to Morgan after standing up next to him for comfort. The mention of her name spoken out loud made everyone cringe. It was easy to distance yourself from someone you didn't know, but saying her name was a different story, it made it all real, it confirmed that they weren't dreaming or pretending it was someone else.

"_Has anyone made contact with family members yet?" _Rossi said as a general question, knowing the probable answer. They all looked at one another, before Prentiss spoke.

"_JJ doesn't really have any family..." _She trailed off at the overwhelming image of isolation filling up her mind. JJ was part of their family, but she didn't have many other people. Everyone turned to Prentiss. It was true; no one really knew that much about people's personal lives to do with family in the unit. It definitely put a strain on pre existing relationships, made visiting home hard to do. Virtually everyone in the BAU just had the other members as a makeshift family.

"_No-one?" _Hotch asked, realising that he'd never really spoken about this with JJ before.

Prentiss shook her head, "_Her dad had a heart attack about five years ago, her mum-" _She cut off suddenly thinking that JJ wouldn't want everyone knowing that her mother had practically drunk herself to death after the family trauma. She picked at her fingers harder. "_And then, her sister..." _

Prentiss suddenly burst into hysterical tears. It was only a few hours ago that they'd found the pictures smeared across the Unsub's wall of JJ. Only a few hours ago that they'd found Hotch and he'd eventually been able to string together a sentence to tell them what he'd said to her, what he'd **done**...She couldn't even imagine it, her best friend, the person she could always go to in life was her, all this time, everything JJ had thought, all the pain she'd suffered, it was all because of this monster.

Hotch looked helplessly at Prentiss, not knowing what to do. Luckily Reid stood up and placed an arm around her shoulders, guiding her to a nearby chair. Rossi watched her sympathetically.

Hotch turned to look at the clock, but the numbers suddenly blurred and shifted in his vision. He couldn't make sense of the digits; the walls seemed to be tilting slightly. He went to reach for a chair.

"_Hotch?"_ Rossi asked concerned, eyeing him suspiciously.

All he saw was white, he clutched at the arm, trying to steady himself before he could actually find his way to sit on the chair.

"_Hotch?"_ This time Morgan's voice, but it all sounded so distant. Like someone talking into a microphone, drowning out the background noise but standing far away. A far off echo, bouncing around the unbearably white walls.

"_We need a doctor!" _Rossi shouted towards the nearby nurse station, and a worried looking nurse ran out and grabbed Hotch's arm just as he fell to the floor, clutching his head. His face pale, drained of all the colour. The team looked at him urgently. "_I need help over here!"_ The nurse called out.

All he could hear was a repetition of his name, over and over.

"_Is he okay?" _Prentiss asked standing up with the doctors, her hand over her mouth.

"_Tell me everything that happened." _The brunette nurse said anxiously to the agent. Prentiss told her that he'd been drugged; she fumbled around in her mind trying to remember the name that the medics had told them. They'd assured her it was nothing serious in the long term, but for now he needed to take time off immediately. Of course, Hotch wouldn't listen; just a little while ago he'd been in the back of an ambulance. He shouldn't have even come to the hospital but she knew it was for his own peace of mind, as well as the team's. She suddenly remembered the name, and rambled out everything she could think of to the nurse, who was now joined by a middle aged male doctor in a white coat, his grey hair thinning, glancing over his glasses, checking Hotch's pulse. The nurse reiterated it.

"_He just needs to recover." _The doctor spoke, lifting him up with the help of the nurse and into a wheelchair that had just been brought over swiftly by another member of staff. "_It's a miracle he's even conscious considering that last night he was heavily sedated and beaten." _ The doctor said sharply in a disapproving tone.

They all sighed in relief; it had been an emotional rollercoaster this last twenty four hours. At least they'd been able to save a young girls life. That was their original goal, the profile, before they knew what his real motives were, said that the girl would already be dead. The fact that she was alive in that tiny cellar was what kept most of them going now. They'd reunited her back with her family, they'd done their job. JJ would be happy about that.

The doctor with a nurse alongside him, rolled Hotch, saying that he needed a few more tests, and to be kept overnight on an IV. Rossi followed them, saying he'd spend the night here with him, whilst the rest of them, knowing that it would be a while until JJ woke up, went back to the BAU. It was the only place any of them felt safe anymore. And right now, they needed to be together.


	10. The Second Time

**A/N: I'm sorry if you think they're all being beat up a little too much emotional/physically. I know I'm dragging it out a tad but I really want this to be a great story. There are going to be some lighter moments coming up sooner or later, thanks for sticking by this far, it means a lot to me!**

**P.S: In the last chapter I originally started out with JJ needing a transplant but I then changed my mind, hope this is okay.**

"_Hey"_ Garcia whispered softly to a stirring JJ. She and Prentiss were sitting by her bed on two separate chairs. Surrounding them were dozens of flowers in vases, all kinds of colours and types, most of them from people at the bureau who'd heard of everything that'd happened and wanted to show their sympathy. It had been five long days since that night, it felt like forever, just waiting, no one being able to focus on anything else.

JJ's deep blue eyes opened and groggily looked at the girls next to her. A weak smile spread across her face. There were not many faces she'd rather see before her right now. She suddenly became aware of a searing pain coming from her stomach. She grimaced as the sterile light above her hit her eyes. All she could remember was the darkness, the emptiness, the force pulling her away from the warmth. A feeling of isolation washed over her,

All alone...

Panic flashed through her for a split second until she finally focused her thoughts again. Trying to sit up, and grasping at her stomach, she winced.

"_Jayje, what? What's wrong?" _Prentiss asked concerned, leaning forwards towards her, her hands mid air, trying to help.

JJ thought for a moment, it struck her that she was in a hospital bed. She felt so weak. Dropping her head back down again after the attempt to sit up; she glanced down at her arm where something pricked her, seeing that she had an IV in, pumping fluid into her body. Morphine? She frowned, trying to make sense of the situation.

"_What...happened?" _She spoke croakily. Prentiss and Garcia shared a fleeting glance of anxiety, JJ, still in her drug induced state, caught it.

"_Emily, Penelope?" _she asked more stern this time, worrying again. She raced back through her mind trying to catch the moment that had got her in here, coming up empty. It was like a static television, flickering, not catching a picture even though she knew something had to be there. She couldn't quite focus, or tune it...

She looked back up at her two best friends, her face blank, her big eyes desperate, there was too long a pause and JJ was getting impatient. "_Somebody please, tell me." _She whispered staring at both of them. She noticed a swollen tear trickle down Garcia's cheek, staring back at her through her pink rimmed glasses; JJ could see that her eyes were watering. Garcia turned and looked helplessly at Prentiss.

Emily knew she was going to have to do this, but how was she supposed to tell her best friend everything that had happened? It was too tragic, too awful, and the worst part was it wasn't even over. This..._man _had inflicted his damage on her that was going to last a lifetime. Half of her thought it was best that JJ didn't know, that then she could move on as if nothing ever happened. But she knew that her memory would come back eventually, like the doctor said before he'd let them in to see her. She knew that if it was her she'd want to know, there was no other excuse they could concoct. She had to be gentle though, she didn't want JJ to become unstable again. The medical staff had emphasised that. **Here goes, **she thought to herself, moving her chair slightly forward, and gingerly placing her hand on JJ's nearest hand. Her smooth alabaster skin came in contact with the golden one.

"_Something happened, that night on the case." _She said speaking lightly, looking deep into her eyes, her neatly plucked eyebrows furrowing together gently. JJ looked back at her, her face full of questioning.

"_The doctors said that we shouldn't be telling you all this now." _ Emily looked around inconspicuously, lowering her voice slightly. "_But I know that you need to know why and how you got here." _She felt her eyes slightly burning with tears; she had to stay strong for JJ. Garcia placed her hand on Prentiss' arm.

"_Emily, no. We cannot do this to her, not now, it's too soon." _Garcia said, trying to keep her voice even for JJ's sake but being assertive too. It was way too early to tear her world apart, again. JJ wasn't in good enough health; it was too much to take in. She couldn't bear to see her more hurt than she already was.

"_No, Pen, I want to know." _She stuttered, "_Emily, please." _Her croaky whisper pleaded. Prentiss stared back at Garcia apologetically. She looked at JJ again, considering if this was the right thing to do.

"_Go on."_ JJ urged.

"_Prentiss, can I have a word with you please?" _sounded a different voice from the open door; they all turned to it, knowing the voice all too well, their gaze shifting to the floor in guilt, Garcia's cheeks turning red with embarrassment. Prentiss was half thankful for the interruption, appreciating the stall. She dropped her hold on JJ's cold hand, giving it a quick comforting squeeze to let her know she'd be back. Pushing back her chair to get past Garcia, she strolled out the doorway, following Hotch. Garcia moved into Prentiss' chair to console JJ, her ocean blue eyes still empty with the need for answers. Garcia put her hand on her head, stroking her blonde hair.

"_Everything's going to be alright". _She tried to say as reassuringly as she could.

* * *

><p>"<em>Listen, Hotch I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't explain everything to her, but surely she has a right to know! Her memory's going to come back sooner or later in patches and she needs to be told the full picture and-"<em> Prentiss' nervous rambling was cut short by her boss.

"_Emily." _He said interjecting, Prentiss closed her mouth in shock, she'd rarely heard Hotch call her by her first name. She stared at him questioningly. He loosened his facial expression slightly from the stern demeanour she'd seen when he interrupted them.

"_You've been here pretty much for the last four days constantly. You need to take care of yourself before others sometimes." _Hotch said, as Prentiss opened her mouth to protest.

"_I know, she's just woken up but Strauss has cleared the team for some time off after what's happened, I spoke to her today, so there's no rush for time"._ He said waving a hand to halt her reply._ "But can you really face telling JJ all of this right now? When was the last time you slept?" _He asked concerned, observing the deep purple bags under her weary eyes, her chocolate hair slightly ruffled, and noting that she was wearing the same clothes from two days ago more or less. She folded her arms defensively and looked at him.

"_That's not the point; I need to be here for her." _She said standing further upright, trying to convince him that she was fine. "_Besides, you were only just cleared to go __**home**__ a couple of days ago. And look at you Hotch! You've been in that waiting room alternating with Dave, Spencer and Derek for the last few days! You're the one that needs to leave and get some rest; did you forget what happened to you?" _She spoke harshly, getting caught up in the moment and instantly regretting going so hard on him. His lip still had a prominent, healing split in it, his jaw heavily bruised. His usual piercing, authoritative, dark eyes had lost their twinkle.

He sighed deeply and looked back at Prentiss, thinking for a moment before he spoke. "_Emily, let me tell her." _He said much softer, putting his hands in his pockets, his eyes darting around the corridor, trying to shift his focus elsewhere for a moment.

"_Hotch, I can do it. Someone has to." _She replied to him more softly too, trying to catch his gaze.

"_I know what happened in that cabin that night. I was there. Albeit, unconscious for most..." _Whilst saying this, Hotch subconsciously lifted his hand out of his pocket and to his arm again, where the drugs had gone in. It was becoming a habit, Prentiss had noticed. "_I really think it's best. She'll forever associate you with breaking this news to her, even though it's technically the second time. As her best friend, I think you can just be there for her afterwards, when I've told her the facts." _Hotch was trying to sound convincing enough for Prentiss to agree, even though he knew more than anything this would be hard, he knew JJ may never forgive him for being the one to tell her this news, but he also knew for some compelling reason, that he was the one who needed to do this, and he couldn't explain it.

He saw Prentiss consider it for a moment, biting down on her dark pink lips, her arms still folded. She looked up into his eyes, trying to figure him out.

"_Okay." _She said simply, turning to go back into the room. "_Garcia and I will be in the waiting room, come get us when you're done"._

* * *

><p>Once Garcia and Prentiss had left the room after a quick goodbye with a promise to return, Hotch helped JJ sit up slightly by propping her pillows for her. He lowered himself into Prentiss' vacant chair, leaning forward, his hands clasped together, his elbows resting on his knees. His eyebrows came down in worry, where did he start?<p>

JJ noticed immediately the scar on his lip, and his beaten up face. Her heart flickered; skipping a beat, true anxiety hitting her this time. She took a deep breath in, trying to keep the soaring pain in her stomach at bay just for a moment to concentrate enough on what Hotch had to say, she knew it was important.

"_Hotch, please talk to me." _She begged, tears welling up in her eyes. She pulled the blanket on her bed up higher, preparing herself for what was to come. "_Why won't anyone talk to me? What happened to you?" _She asked, concern pulling her own light eyebrows together, a distraught look on her face.

"_Okay JJ." _He lifted his head to look her straight in the eyes, he needed to just come out with this, just say it, and there would be no easy way. "_You remember that night on the case? The one where the girl was abducted by the Unsub, and we figured out before the rest of the team that he would have a place in the-"_

"_Woods. Yeah I remember the woods." _She interrupted, her eyes not leaving Hotch's, afraid she would miss something.

"_Good." _He replied. "_Well whilst we were running in the dark trying to find the place, we somehow got split up. I went one way to look for her, and before I knew it, someone had hit me, knocking me out." _He felt the words rush out of his mouth, knowing this was the easiest bit of the conversation. He saw the look of worry on her face, knowing he was about to make it all the more worse.

"_Go on Hotch." _She urged.

"_I can't say exactly what happened really, but I woke up to you and I being tied up in the Unsub's cabin, I figured he must have hit you too when you were least expecting it. I tried to force myself awake but he'd..." _Hotch considered which detail to leave out, trying to make this less intense for JJ if he could, knowing she'd only blame herself for everything that had happened to him. JJ saw the moment of indecision on his face as he thought about phrasing the words.

"_Hotch, I __**need **__to know what happened that night, I don't want any details left out." _She ordered croakily.

Hotch seemed to mull this over for a minute before he continued. "_He'd drugged me. And you were just lying there, out cold. You were on the other side of the room to me; both of us were on the floor. You finally woke up and were trying to talk to me, but I'm sorry I can't remember much until the Unsub walked in and spoke to you." _He stared deep into JJ's eyes, confusion flashing across her irises, he suddenly regretted not letting Prentiss do this, but then reminded himself it was for the best.

"_I heard his voice as he spoke to you, it prompted me awake, and I tried as hard as I could to push off slipping into the darkness, just so I could hear a little longer, so I could try and figure something out, do something." _He shook his head remembering his weakness in trying to save her. "_He put you on a chair, whilst you talked to him a little longer, I guess trying to stall. And I remember seeing, pictures, of you on his wall." _He said, testing the waters with this sentence, knowing the worst was still to come.

JJ's heart pounded heavy and fast. She felt like it was made out of cold, solid stone. She couldn't remember a single thing apart from the woods, and the desperate overwhelming urge to save the girl's life. Everything Hotch said to her seemed like a dream. She pushed back the tears, needing answers.

"_Why?"_ was all she was able to mutter.

"_Because, JJ, that's when he told you that he knew you." _Hotch fought back tears of his own, knowing that the words about to stumble out of his mouth would hit her with the collision of a train. JJ's breath was gasping, utterly bewildered, he wanted to keep this version simpler. One day he would tell her everything, one day far far in the future when all of this would be nothing but a blur of a memory.

"_That's when he told you." _Hotch took a deep breath in. "_That he was the one who had killed your sister." _His voice broke the slightest fraction on the last word. He had to stay strong.

The words didn't make sense. Her **sister**, she'd committed suicide, if she knew this man she would remember him now, she would be able to hear his voice to see him clearly in her head. Her chest felt like it was about to explode.

"_What?"_ She whispered, tears coming down her face. "_My sister killed herself." _She said firmly, trying to plant it in her brain, anchor it down so the truth never surfaced. She had so many questions.

"_What did he do to me?" _She demanded through the tears, looking down at herself, not bearing to utter anything else about her sister, she pushed the thought far back into her mind momentarily, she needed to stay sane to continue.

"_He had a gun, I tried so hard JJ I really did. I'm so sorry. I somehow realised I could move slightly so I hit him with the nearest thing I could find and told you to run, and you did. You somehow escaped and I don't know how. I'm sorry. Everything is just dark and foggy for me." _He said shaking his head, JJ looked so broken. This was the second time he'd witnessed her being told this, each time just as fresh and wounding. He couldn't help but apologise incessantly.

"_JJ, the team found you just in time, we saved the young girls life. __**You **__did. You stalled him long enough, you were so strong." _Hotch replied quietly, taking his own hand and gently touching JJ's. The contact in any other situation would have been uncomfortable and inappropriate but right now it was what was needed.

Her mind raced, her memory was going to come back eventually. The doctors had told her that, but she suddenly didn't want it to. She didn't want to relive it all over again. Hotch's words had a certain déjà-vu feeling to them and she knew she'd heard them before, and it wouldn't be long until it all came back to her. Her head spun as she tried to reconnect the dots.

"_JJ, you're alive, we got him." _Hotch tried to calm her down. The tears rolling down her face were heartbreaking to watch.

"_Hotch, what did he do to me?" _She repeated again, knowing that he was purposefully not telling her.

He looked down for a moment, remembering what the medics had told him on the way to the hospital in the ambulance. He opened his mouth to speak, looking into her eyes again. "_You found the girl when you escaped, but he found you too. You fought pretty hard, somehow he dropped his gun and you improvised." _He said, his voice full of amazement. "_But eventually, he found the gun again, and he..."_ These next words sounded so surreal, unnatural to come out of his mouth. "_He shot you". _

They were silent and still for a moment, apart from the occasional sniff from JJ, desperately needed to satiate her rapid breathing and heavy sobs.

She looked down at her body, putting the pieces of the puzzle together: The pain in her abdomen, the pounding in her head, the darkness. It all made sense, even if she couldn't figure it out yet. She felt like someone had taken a knife to her world and ripped it down.

Hotch had decided not to tell her everything the team had filled him in on over the last few days. She already had too much to handle right now, he didn't want to overload her.

JJ nodded after what felt like forever and turned to Hotch.

"_Thank you." _She said.

"_Don't you want to know anything else? Any questions?" _Hotch said trying to be as gentle as he could.

"_No, no."_ JJ shook her head immediately. "_It'll come back to me soon, whether I like it or not. You've told me what happened; it's up for my mind to fill in the blanks for me. I want to be the one to figure this out." _She said, slumping down the bed, wanting to sleep for an eternity, for this all to be some hideous nightmare to wake up from.

"_Okay." _Hotch said soothingly. "_Would you rather be alone or would you like me to go get the girls?" _He asked helplessly, not possibly knowing what was best for her under the current circumstances.

"_Could you stay for a moment please?" _JJ asked, her voice tinted with naivety, longing to not be alone again. She didn't want to face the darkness, let it get down her throat and pull her away from comfort once more.

Hotch looked confused for a moment but kept his hand on hers.

"_Of course." _He murmured.

JJ couldn't explain it, but for some reason. It felt right.


	11. The Pieces

**A/N: I know clearer where this story is headed now and I have the next few chapters all mapped out in my head. I know I don't have many reviews anyway, but they slowed down quite a lot on the last couple so I hope I haven't lost anyone's interest! It is very dark and intense at the moment but the whole story will not be like this, I'm just trying to make it as realistic as possible. Please persevere :) Thanks for reading.**

"_Another one?" _JJ murmured.

"_I'm sorry, but we really need to do a blood transfusion just to make sure all your organs are getting uncompromised cells sent to them whilst they are in recovery after surgery. It's for the best." _The doctor replied back to her.

She felt numb, her whole body and mind just broken and torn apart by this man, this man who she was able to distance herself from through the whole case. Just another Unsub who they needed to profile, just another psychopath they needed to catch. But this time it was all so different. Her whole life, everything she knew, the world around her, it was all coming crashing down. Leaving the jagged pieces for the rest of her team and the victim's families to put back together. She'd caused this pain.

"_I'll be back later to check on you; once again, I'm very sorry Jennifer." _The doctor murmured sensing the intrusion of her thoughts. She gave her a look of deep sympathy and gently walked out the room.

JJ didn't even know where to start, everything in her mind seemed so scrambled and distant. She felt sick.

It had been just a day since she'd woken up and been told, again, what he'd done to her sister, how he hurt her. JJ's control over herself caved as her heart became too heavy to bare. The tears that had fallen down her cheeks the last twenty four hours had become pointless, there didn't seem to be a time when she wasn't crying. She felt hollow inside but at the same time, her cheeks seemed to be constantly sodden. Everything had happened so quickly.

Hotch had stayed with her a while last night after she asked him to. She couldn't even think about seeing the others yet, as selfish as that sounded. When Hotch had told her they'd all been waiting for her to wake up for over four days, she just couldn't. Seeing the look on their faces, letting them see her broken so much. She couldn't even bother to try putting on a facade to disguise her shredded up heart. She was on so much morphine to help the pain in her stomach and head that she really didn't think she could hold a coherent conversation even if she wanted to. She was always the glue of the team, the one that encircled them all, and if she wasn't that to them then what was she?

As strange as she would have thought it'd be with Hotch keeping her company, seeing her this way, it wasn't. She'd always got on extremely well with him, they always saw eye to eye on matters. They'd both sort of been the parental figures of the bureau, though no one acknowledged it out loud. She'd only ever seen Hotch even have a flicker of a hint that he was human twice in her life. The first was when Foyet murdered Haley; she thought she could never feel worse than that day. Walking into that house not knowing what they were going to find. And then seeing her body lying in his arms as he wept uncontrollably, she was completely mutilated.

The second was at her funeral. She remembered the wind whispering in her long blonde hair, remembered the feel of what she thought were real tears, remembered the way his voice cracked as he spoke of loving families unconditionally...

But last night he'd been so patient and unwavering, but not in a cold way. He'd simply held her cool hand comfortingly, as they both sat in silence and she cried for what felt like hours. He'd passed her tissues and not even attempted to give her words of comfort she knew would not have even touched her skin. She was surprised at herself that she'd even wanted him to be with her. She guessed she knew deep inside that having Emily, Penelope or even Reid would just give her the final push into the pit, knowing that they probably would have cried alongside her, wouldn't have been able to have remained strong enough. She couldn't do that to them, she couldn't hurt any more people.

Her eyes stung as the acidity from her tears wore them. Hotch had told her to call him when she felt up to seeing any of them, and taken the others all home. It was nearly weekend, and she gathered that he probably would have talked to Strauss, letting them have the next couple of days off, knowing that their heads wouldn't be in the game.

JJ let her lids fall down over her eyes; she'd been so afraid to do so ever since that night, terrified the darkness would engulf her again. But this time she couldn't help it, she was utterly exhausted. She suddenly felt like she'd rather face the darkness if that was what it was going to be, then to be awake and have no escape from her mind and all the information she'd had to process over the last day.

She slumped slightly in the bed, her IV catching on the blanket slightly as she pulled it up around her shoulders to stop the shivers escaping her body. The gentle beeping of the monitor recording her pulse not as irritating as it was last night, instead keeping a steady rhythm, and rocking her to sleep.

* * *

><p>She turned her head slightly, seeing him lying on the floor next to him.<p>

**She'd caused this.**

His eyes barely open, his chest slowly rising and falling

**This was all her fault.**

She tried to murmur his name, to let him know it would be okay but her mouth made no noise.

"_Jenn-i-fer" _an eerie voice purred, making the hairs on the back of her neck prickle in disgust.

And that's when she saw them.

**The pale blue eyes.**

* * *

><p>"<em>Jennifer, Jennifer!" <em>A timid voice pulled her out of her dream.

She opened her eyes, flinching as someone touched her arm. She looked up to see a small nurse crouched over her, a worried look in her eyes. The nurse gazed up at the monitor which had now stopped its irrational beeping, and continued to slow down to the steady sound again.

"_Sorry." _JJ mumbled, she felt the familiar rush of adrenaline in her body as her heart rate slowed down.

"_What happened?" _The petite nurse asked staring at her.

"_Just...a dream, I think." _JJ said quietly, the cogs in her brain whirring as a piece of the jigsaw puzzle clicked into place.

"_Okay...You had me worried there for a minute. Your BP rocketed!"_ The nurse spoke whilst laughing nervously and adjusting something on the IV, trying to occupy herself.

"_I'm fine, really." _JJ replied, split in half about her feelings. She wanted this lady to leave her alone, to get out of her space, she suddenly felt claustrophobic. Yet the other half wanted to beg her to stay so that she never had to face the monsters in her mind alone again, so she wasn't left locked away with her thoughts.

"_Okay, well if you need anything, you'll just press this button won't you?" _She said sounded unsure of whether to leave her or not. JJ nodded, deciding she wanted to be alone, to think without interruption. The nurse stared at her for a moment again before quietly walking out of the room, closing the door behind her in the process.

JJ reached a hand up to her cheek and felt the wetness on them. She exhaled sharply, trying to calm herself down from what her mind had shown her as she suddenly realised.

Her memory was coming back.

She turned and looked at the clock beside her in a panic, her stomach pain twisting with her movement. She placed a hand on her abdomen, trying to keep in the pain, reading the digits.

**2.06 am**

Her brain told her it had been over thirty hours since she'd awoken from her coma. Though time made no sense to her now; it was all just one big long blur of pain merged together. The memories were coming back quicker than she expected, she'd had no time to prepare. Her breath caught in her throat and came out as a loud sob. She quickly muffled her hand over her mouth to keep from drawing the nurse's attention again. She wasn't ready for this, for her private viewing of her own personal horror film, played on the insides of her eyelids. She couldn't take this right now, she wasn't strong enough. Keeping her hand over her mouth, the tears splashing over her fingers as she couldn't get those eyes of evil out of her mind, and that's when she apprehended, that she probably never would. She felt like letting the world swallow her up right here right now with the thought of those pupils staring into her for a lifetime. But she knew she had to be strong, she couldn't let him win.

She reached out her hand stretching for the glass of water beside her bed, simultaneously grabbing the clear, plastic pot of pills too. She grimaced as she lowered herself back into bed again, throwing the tablets into her mouth and swallowing them down with the drink. Her mouth felt dry and the water felt good on it. She didn't even know what she had just taken quite frankly, but she hoped that they were either something for the pain, or to help her sleep.

But she knew, even with one, the other was still lost.

* * *

><p><strong>3 days later<strong>

JJ waited, her palms sweating, trying to stifle the urge to sniff just for a minute, her eyes sore and puffy. On the third ring, she heard the voice she so desperately needed to hear.

"_Hotchner." _

"_Hotch, it's me JJ." _She replied trying to keep her voice even, clasping onto the phone for dear life, needing something to hold on to, to anchor her in reality.

"_Hey JJ." _He said back, his voice becoming softer, less authoritative. "_How are you doing?" _he asked the question, knowing the real answer and the one she was about to say.

"_I'm fine." _She said reflexively, needing to move on from the small talk, needing to distract herself. She took a deep breath in to stop her voice from breaking. "_I'd really like to see everyone." _As she said those words she wasn't sure if she'd made the right decision or not. Was she ready for all those familiar faces, would they make this all worse? And that's when she realised, this couldn't _be _worse. Seeing her friends could only be the thing that she needed right now.

"_JJ, are you sure that's a good idea? It's only been four days since you woke up." _Hotch said, concern tingeing his voice. JJ could tell he thought this was a bad idea.

"_Hotch, please." _She whispered helplessly. "_I __**really **__need to see them." _She put a hand over one of her eyes, trying to keep the tears in.

"_Okay, but only if you're positive you can handle this. No one's expecting anything of you right now." _He said trying to talk her out of it.

"_I can do this" _was all she said back to him.

"_Right, well I'll let everyone know, what time's best for you?" _Hotch's voice was still concerned but he seemed relieved at the same time. JJ knew the others would be dying to get in here, she felt even guiltier for making them wait. The tears started pouring again, and her head pounded with the constant flow, she fought the urge back to take in a deep breath knowing it would give her away.

"_Maybe after lunch?" _She offered weakly, feeling so drained.

"_No problem. We won't stay long, don't worry." _He assured her.

"_See you then." _She murmured, putting the phone down back by the side of her bed. She felt panic flood through her at the thought of seeing everyone. She couldn't let them see her like this.

Pretty much since she'd woken up that night from her flashback she hadn't been able to get back to sleep, not that she wanted to. Instead she'd cried and cried over the pair of eyes piercing into her in the darkness of the room at night, and she'd replayed the last day with her sister over and over in her head, like a record on repeat, the needle scratching at the plastic. She felt like she was tearing open that old wound again, a dangerous road to go down. But she felt compelled to do it, to try and grasp onto the last time she'd seen her, it strangely kept her going at the same time as destroying her too. She hadn't tried to picture her face in so long.

The female doctor walked into the room, her black heels clicking against the floor, her brunette hair tied up in a neat bun and her heavily mascara-coated eyelashes flitting beneath her glasses.

"_How are you doing this morning?" _She asked with the same pitying, concerned tone that Hotch had given her.

"_Fine."_ She lied.

"_I know you've had a lot to take in these last few days. I can't even imagine." _She shook her head emphasising her astonishment. "_How's your pain?" _She asked.

JJ didn't think about her answer. She didn't need to, there were no painkillers that would fix the type of pain she was feeling. She felt the twinge in her stomach but ignored it; it wasn't the most important thing right now. She could handle it.

"_Fine." _She stuttered again.

The doctor eyed her for a moment, trying to read her. She noted her tear stained cheek and the pallor of her skin. Walking over to the monitor, she turned a few dials and jotted something down on the clipboard she was carrying. After seeming satisfied with this, she turned around to check JJ's pulse manually, looking at the clock next to her bed, silently counting. JJ cringed at the touch of her, a stranger intruding her personal space. She tried to maintain as composed a face as she could. After a minute or so, the doctor released, fiddling with her IV making sure it was secure. She then turned and sat on the end of JJ's bed with her feet dangling elegantly off the side, a weak smile on her face.

Gazing at JJ, she played with the pen in her fingers, twiddling it. "_It's still such early days; I'm still surprised you're even out of the coma to be quite frank." _She continued to talk.

JJ couldn't even bother to think of a reply to her. Her mind was preoccupied, though the tears had subsided for a moment.

"_The nurse said that the other night, you had...a dream?" _She asked, JJ knew where this was going. And it was a conversation she really couldn't handle right now. She thought she may just snap any second, she felt so fragile.

"_So you're getting some memory back? I can't imagine how horrifying that is at the moment."_ JJ kept her head down as the doctor said this, pleading internally for her to not go any further.

"_Have you had anymore flashbacks since that night?" _She asked gingerly.

JJ shook her head with the slightest movement, her eyes still looking down, focussing on the needle pricking into her hand so she didn't have to face her.

The doctor considered her next sentence._ "But believe it or not it's a good sign. It means your brain is ready to heal from the trauma." _

JJ lifted her head slightly and looked into the doctor's dark green eyes for the first time.

"_My brain is healing?" _She blurted out. The doctor instantly realised her mistake, panic flashed across her face.

"_My brain will never heal!" _JJ cried, the tear barrier breaking. "_I am permanently scarred for life!" _She felt the blood rush through her; she felt her anger building, about to erupt.

"_Jennifer, that's not what I meant, I'm sorry." _The doctor held her hands up in an apology. She couldn't think of what to say to her to make it any better. She watched as the tears glistened down her face, thinking again.

"_Listen, I know this is the last thing on your mind right now but we have people in this hospital, on the psych wards, that are here for this kind of...situation." _She said screwing up her nose mildly at the bad choice of words.

JJ stared back at her, her lips pressed together hard to stop herself from screaming. She felt the pain in her head hammer away at her skull. "_I don't want to talk to __**anybody **__right now." _She said, keeping her voice down a notch since her last outburst, taking deep breaths in to steady herself. "_Please, just leave me alone." _She whimpered.

"_Of course, and I'm not talking about right now, please just give it some thought. Whatever time of day, whenever, they are here for you to talk to if you want, please bear that in mind." _The doctor stood up from the bed, clearly upset with herself for her poor use of language. "_If you need me for anything, just get one of the nurses." _She said quieter, taking one last look at her before walking out and down the corridor. JJ heard the noise of her heels get more muffled as she became more distant.

JJ rubbed her forehead, roughly wiping away the tears. She needed to calm down before the team arrived in a couple of hours. She forced everything; with all her might to the back of her mind and did everything she could to stop herself from sobbing. She knew if Penelope saw her in this state that she would be just as bad, and it would break Reid's heart to see her in pain. As she thought of the familiar faces of her unit, she felt like it was helping her to concentrate on the present. She kept doing this for a while, recalling every detail of their features: the stern eyebrows furrowed on Hotch's face when thinking, the twinkle in Derek's eyes when he was poking fun at Rossi. Continuing this, she finally drifted into a light sleep, unaware that she was even falling into it.

* * *

><p>"<em>Maybe we should come back another time?" <em>

"_Can we not stay here until she does wake up?"_

"_God, I really need to see her." _

"_Everyone be quiet, we're not going to wake her up, she needs her sleep."_

"_Ooh my sweet baby girl."_

The well-known voices floated into JJ's sleep, gently waking her with comfort. As she came to, she looked to her doorway to see the face of Garcia peering through the small window in the door. Her face lit up as she turned to someone by her side. Soon Hotch's face was at the window with Prentiss peeking in from the side of his. JJ smiled at them, trying to let them know it was okay for them to come in. Hotch understood this and opened the door, revealing the whole team and a nurse standing there. She heard Derek quietly thank the nurse.

"_Not too long please." _She whispered back to him, thinking JJ couldn't hear. Derek nodded and followed the team as they all walked into the room, closing the door behind them. Rossi, Reid and Garcia all carried chairs. There were already two in the room, and Prentiss and Hotch moved those two closer to her bed, Derek took Reid's off his as he subconsciously knew where Reid would want to sit. They all hovered though as they made their way through, gently kissing JJ on the cheek and forehead, lovingly rubbing her arm and shoulder with greetings, all of them treating her like a china doll. Everyone sat down in their chairs, with Reid carefully sitting on the end of her bed, like it would break any minute. It was quiet for the tiniest second whilst everyone took in the moment, thinking what to say.

"_Is this too much?" _Rossi asked caringly.

"_You don't know how happy I am to see you guys." _JJ replied, looking at each one of them, taking in their faces, wanting to fill her mind with her beautiful friends. Garcia, who sat on the other side of the bed from Prentiss and Hotch leaned over and clasped her hands through JJ's.

"_JJ, it is really good to see you my sugar plum. I brought you some magazines, I..I know it's not much but you know..." _Garcia's eyes started filling up as she reached into her purse and put a small pile on the table next to JJ's bed. JJ looked at her appreciatively, burying her true emotions and just trying to stay in this moment.

"_Please, no tears." _She murmured, trying to stop herself from joining Garcia as she saw a tear roll down her cheek, she knew this would happen and if she started again, she wouldn't be able to stop. She didn't have it in her; she virtually hadn't slept for three days, her limbs felt heavy.

"_How are you feeling?" _Prentiss asked leaning into the bed, her eyes like a puppy's, wide and sad, her dark pink lips pulled into a thin line of worry.

"_All the better for seeing you." _JJ whispered, not even trusting her voice anymore as she felt the familiar lump in her throat, Emily took her other hand and squeezed it timidly.

Everyone fell quiet again. Presumably there were so many questions that both sides wanted answering but didn't dare ask. It didn't become an uncomfortable silence though; everyone just soaked up the other's company and appreciated it. JJ hadn't felt so safe in what felt like forever. She was with every single person she ever cared about in life. With a couple of exceptions...

"_Oh sweetie we didn't mean to make you upset!" _Garcia wailed slightly, wiping her own tears away. JJ didn't even notice the tears on her own face.

"_No, no they're good tears, sort of." _She replied back to her, trying her best to smile though feeling so fake in doing so. Reid leaned over from the end of the bed to her bedside table and grabbed a tissue handing it over, his own bottom lip trembling.

"_Thanks." _JJ took it appreciatively, dabbing her eyes.

"_Have the doctors said anything more, about..." _Morgan trailed off as he asked the question, realising that JJ probably hadn't even bothered to worry about herself the whole time she'd been in here. She gazed back into his smooth chocolate eyes, their usual cheekiness gone, it broke JJ's heart to know that she'd put that look on his face.

"_They think my organs are healing up okay, they're fairly certain no more surgery, for now__." _She said quietly, looking back down at the soggy tissue in her palm, scrunching it in her fist. "_They don't know how long yet til I'm out." _She said again knowing that would be the next question, Derek nodded deep in thought. To be honest, she hadn't even thought past being in the hospital. She couldn't bring herself to look that far forward into the future. The pain in her body told her that it was good she was here.

"_But apart from that, is everything okay?" _Rossi asked, his voice soothing and warming. JJ turned her sight to him.

"_Yeah, I'm okay." _Her voice croaked. She felt her neck become stiff as her head continued to pound. Trying to move her pillow slightly so she could sit further up to see them all, she winced reflexively at the pain in her stomach. All hands immediately reached out to help her, everyone hovered off their chairs. Hotch was the first one to her, plumping them up for her slightly and making sure she was okay to move herself, JJ reluctantly let him do it for her. She muttered a thank you lovingly.

"_I was going to bring you some flowers, but I saw how many you had the other day and I figured that it wasn't worth it." _Emily said trying to lighten the mood, looking around.

"_They're all beautiful." _JJ hoarsely whispered. "_Tell everyone thank you, I, I don't even know who they're all from really." _She admitted slightly ashamed. Emily nodded, looking back at JJ's face.

After a while of idle chit chat, not wanting to get into anything too deep, and under strict orders from Hotch not to discuss anything work related, they all started saying their goodbyes one by one, promising to come back if and when JJ wanted them to, leaving her all sorts of offers for food if she felt like it, and more reading material. JJ's tears continued to spill as she acknowledged what an amazing group of people she had around her constantly, and for the first time in a while, felt lucky.

They were all leaving the room when Reid turned to Hotch from his spot on her bed, he looked up at his boss.

"_Is it okay if I have a minute?" _He asked innocently, his voice slightly croaky.

Hotch looked at JJ for a minute, trying to sense what was best.

"_Sure."_ He responded eventually. "_I'll be in the car, come out when you're done." _He added and turned to leave, giving JJ a nod on his way out.

JJ was confused as she looked back at Reid. He had barely said a thing the half an hour that the team had been in here. No obscure facts, no statistics, nothing. It didn't feel like him. He brushed a bit of his light brown hair out of his face and behind his ear nervously.

"_What's up Spence?" _JJ questioned, it had only just hit her how much she missed him. Though she missed them all so much, Reid was like her brother. Someone she could pick on and talk to knowing he wouldn't tell anyone else. She glanced down at his socks and saw they were odd, smiling weakly at the stable patterns of her life.

Her old life.

She pushed through the tears that threatened to return after subsiding.

Reid blinked hard and swallowed, wringing his hands together. "_I know it's a stupid thing to say but I just really want to make sure you're okay." _He said gazing up at her with childish eyes, big with anxiety, the brown melting as he looked at her.

"_Spence I'm-"_

"_Don't say you're fine. Please." _He whispered, knowing her reaction straight away. "_I know you too well, you probably think this is all your fault, everything." _

JJ went to open her mouth and argue that point even though she barely had anything left in her to do it, but Reid held up his hand stopping her.

"_No one can be fine after what you went through. And it's not your fault JJ." _His eyes welled up. "_This sick __**man**__ did this to you, he did this to all those children, and their families. It was his life decisions that brought him, and you, to where he is today. But it is not your fault. I wish I could make you see that." _When he had finished talking, he brushed his hand up quickly to wipe away the tear that had escaped from his long eyelashes.

"_I'm getting there Spencer." _She sighed, feeling like she was sinking into the bed in defeat, she had never been so tired in her life.

"_Get better soon, I miss you already, everyone does." _Reid said trying to ease the tension, smiling a little. "_Even Hotch." _He smirked a little at this remark.

JJ gathered up all her strength and returned the smile.

With that, Reid got up and kissed her delicately on the forehead. JJ flinched internally again at the contact, just like when they all came in to greet her, but remained steady.

"_Great to see you." _She uttered before he walked to the door, turning and waving to her on his way out.

A warmth spread through her body, just from seeing the people she loved so much, even though she still felt empty inside and broken beyond repair. The only glue that would ever be able to put her back together had all just walked out the door.


	12. The Cold Comfort

**A/N: I'm going to carry on doing short flashbacks as I feel the story needs some fleshing out concerning JJ's stay but I don't want to bore you all at the same time with chapters upon chapters of her being stuck in the hospital! Also hope you don't think this whole story is going to be this depressing, I swear I'm not that mean. Please review, it means a lot to me.**

"_Hotch I told you, I'm fine_." JJ insisted, lowering herself into the wheelchair in front of her, one of Hotch's arms on hers to keep her steady.

"_JJ, please stop saying that." _He replied lightly, keeping a firm grip so as not to allow her to fall.

"_But I am! The doctors have all cleared me." _She said defiantly. JJ knew she had to let Hotch see she was okay, one slight grimace in pain and he'd march her straight back in here, and right now she really needed to escape. _ "I've been in these same four walls for eight days now, my bloodwork came back satisfactory, everything's good." _

Saying the last two words pulled on her heart, making her flinch at the forcedness of the situation. She sensed that Hotch knew how hard she was trying to prove that she was okay. She'd gone backwards and forwards in her head over the last twenty four hours that'd passed since she'd been informed by the doctor that she was ready to be discharged, under certain circumstances. JJ had refused the offer for immediate PTSD counselling, but knew that she would have to face it soon enough. She had just trained herself not to look that far forward in the future, teaching herself to stay focused in the present. And at the moment, the only thing she could think as far as doing, was climbing into her own bed, smelling the comforting scent of her own home, and not having people check in hourly. Though she could foresee that the latter part would most likely not change.

Once JJ was in the wheelchair, Hotch reached over to the bed and grabbed her overnight bag that had her spare clothes and toiletries in that she'd used during her stay. Slinging it over his shoulder and clasping both the handles, he started to wheel JJ out of the room.

JJ couldn't help but feel an unsettling flicker of emotion as she left the place that she'd stayed in for what seemed like forever. All the spectrum of feelings she'd experienced whilst in this place were beyond overwhelming. Though she longed to be home, there was a part of her deep inside that wanted to stay here, where she was safe and untouched by the outside world, where her life was frozen and she didn't have to think about things.

"_Let's get you home." _Hotch said sternly but with a caring tint.

She looked down. It felt strange for her to be in normal clothes. The hospital gowns she had adorned whilst she was here felt more familiar than the black skinny combat trousers and red v-neck sweater she wore now. As they made their way down the corridor, and checked out at the front desk, JJ had a brief moment of internal panic. Sudden electricity was sent sparking around her veins as she realised she wasn't ready for the world out there yet. It had become an unknown and scary place to her, and she couldn't shake off the deep feeling of distrust to anyone she saw, already. Hotch picked up on this and wheeled her aside a moment before they stepped out the main entrance.

JJ wrung her hands together as they became clammy, desperately trying to keep her facial expression calm. She knew it would be pointless though, she was constantly surrounded by profilers who were trained to tell when people were lying. He bent down to her level slightly and spoke quietly.

"_Are you sure you're ready to leave JJ?" _

She thought back for a moment, her big blue eyes searching into his, trying to decide what was best. Her heart thudded loud in her chest and she felt the all-too-familiar prickle of tears beginning in the back of her eyes.

Taking a firm grip on her emotions, she suddenly had a surge of determination wash over her.

**You can't let him win JJ. **

"_I'm sure." _She said through a whisper, her eyes locking onto his powerfully. He seemed to consider this a moment, and then nodded before carrying on wheeling her out to the SUV parked right outside the front of the hospital.

As soon as they were both in the car once Hotch had returned the wheelchair, JJ felt her eyes drooping. Luckily, he didn't even bother trying to make small talk with her, and she rested her eyelids for a moment. The smell of the worn leather interior and Hotch's familiar cologne soothed her nerves. By the time they had arrived, she had come back around again, stirred by the sound of the car engine coming to a stop. Opening her eyes, she saw Hotch climb out of the car, gently closing the door and coming to hers to hold it open for her.

"_Just a heads up, Garcia will be dropping by within the next half an hour." _Hotch tried to say as casually as he could, not wanting to give JJ the feeling that she was being babysat. That wasn't what this was about anyway.

"_Seriously Hotch, I don't need to be watched by everyone. I can handle being in the house on my own." _JJ flippantly replied, rolling her eyes slightly. Truth be told, she wanted to be alone right now. She didn't have the energy to make anymore conversations with people. She just wanted to sleep.

"_She cares about you, that's all." _Hotch said back, walking behind her with her bag from the hospital, and up the steps to her apartment in an enclosed courtyard area.

JJ turned around, summoning up all her energy to smile at him, though Hotch could see it didn't quite touch her eyes. She held her hand out expectantly for her bag, letting him know she was capable to take it from here. He handed it over, but made no move to go just yet. JJ guessed he was waiting for her to get inside. She searched around for her keys inside the bag, not even remembering where she'd put them, or if she'd even touched them at all. Her hands fumbled around blindly in the depth of the bag, when a hand next to her held them out in his palm proffering her them.

She smiled, taking the keys and sighing a little. Of course he had them. She felt like a child that everyone was walking on egg shells around, not trusting her with anything. But right now, she was too exhausted to care.

"_Promise me you'll take care of yourself until I next see you."_ He said, eyeing her with concern.

"_I will." _Was all she had in her to reply, her voice echoing the tiredness that lingered in her body.

Hotch turned around to leave after giving her a friendly nod, when JJ spoke suddenly, surprising herself.

"_Hey Hotch?" _

He spun back to meet her gaze.

"_Thank you." _She murmured, just loud enough for him to hear in the settling evening.

His lips twitched into a thin smile but a sadness hinted within his eyes. "_You're welcome."_

* * *

><p>The comforting effect JJ thought her home would have on her didn't seem to quell her anxiety as much as she'd hoped. The effect was bittersweet. After she'd got through the door, waving Hotch goodbye until he drove off, she dropped her bag down and turned off the alarm that was warningly ringing. As the beeping suddenly stopped, the silence that fell through her apartment was oddly unsettling. The air hung still and unwavering around her. She realised she needed a distraction from her thoughts. She couldn't face just climbing into her bed, not yet. She'd be left alone too much in her mind, and right now she wasn't strong enough to embrace what was still clinging on in her memories.<p>

JJ felt a sudden chill in the air. As she walked around the rooms to find the airing cupboard, and consequently a blanket to wrap around herself, she felt like a stranger in her own home. The place seemed too empty and quiet compared to the bustling hospital. It felt like an eternity since she'd been here, surrounded by her own possessions. She didn't feel **safe** like she thought she would. When she'd got to the cupboard, she reached up on her tip toes to grasp the edge of a blanket on the top shelf, immediately wincing in pain. She managed to grab the end of it, pulling it down as the curled over for a minute, trying to recover her breath, biting back tears. Once she'd got her breath back to normal, with the blanket under her arm, she wandered through to the kitchen area.

Something felt, out of place about it. She couldn't quite put her finger on it. Deciding that she needed something to rinse through her dry mouth, she pulled on the fridge door in search for bottled water. To her surprise, and momentary confusion, she saw two pints of milk in the door. She frowned, not remembering them before. She found the water and turned around with it in her hand. On the counter, there was a new packet of cookies by the kettle. She stumbled over to take a closer look: chocolate chip. She couldn't string together a logical explanation in her mind as to how these got here. Concluding that she must have forgot she bought them, it suddenly dawned on her that someone from the unit had probably let themselves in and stocked her up on basics for her return home. But who was it? She felt a warmth flood through her body in appreciation, though the thought of someone being in her house unsettled her, it was her personal space and that twinged in the back of her thoughts for a moment. Though she wasn't hungry in the slightest for cookies right now, she took the water back into the lounge and collapsed onto the beige sofa, letting the blanket out around her. She got the remote from the coffee table in front of her, and flicked on the TV, skipping through channels.

When she could find nothing that enticed her, she still kept it on, just turning the volume down slightly. She needed something in the background right now, a white noise almost to her busy mind. It helped her feel less alone. She pulled the blanket in tighter, wrapping it around her like a cocoon. After trying to close her eyes and rest for a while, she heaved herself up again, despite her pain, not being able to sit still. If she stopped, her distraction stopped too, and her imagination was taking over. She headed to her bedroom, somehow needing to see that it was still intact.

When she arrived at her bedroom, she pushed the door open gingerly, the stale but familiar scent floating into her nose, helping her feel more at home, but more foreign at the same time too. Looking around, she felt anxiety suddenly surface in her. The only thing she'd done was look toward her bedroom window. She immediately strode towards it, her heart pounding as she couldn't pull the crimson, satin curtains over it quick enough. The thought of someone being able to watch her, **see** into her life petrified her. She made a mental note to do the same to the other rooms, as something occurred to her. Where was her gun? Had Hotch taken it off her whilst she was in the hospital, or had he simply left it hidden somewhere in here? She panicked more as a scenario without her gun pinched at her mind. It was what was drilled into her for the last few years, her one sure survival weapon. Always on her hip, always ready to be drawn. She felt empty without it. Though most of the team always had at least one extra nearby, being a media liaison, JJ never felt the need. Her heart thudded within her chest as she felt sure someone was standing behind her. She spun around, grabbing the phone out of her pocket simultaneously. She jabbed at one of her speed dials instinctively, not even waiting for the greeting when it stopped on the second ring.

"_Hotch, do you have my gun? Where's my gun?" _She asked with trepidation and fear. She didn't even stop to think how ridiculous she was being right now or that she was bothering her boss so late, even after everything else she'd put him through...

A tear spilled over her cheekbone.

"_JJ, calm down. It's in your bedside table, top drawer." _Came a worried voice on the other end.

JJ sighed heavily and walked over quickly to the side of her bed, yanking the draw open. Her Glock gleaming back at her reassuringly, she'd never felt so relieved.

"_Is everything okay?" _Hotch asked.

JJ knew that he was probably already doubting her ability to be on her own. She quickly racked her brains, trying to choose a tone of voice that would not be in sync with her facial expression full of fear. She didn't ask him to come over as much as she wanted to. She couldn't even figure out why. Seeing the digital alarm clock by her bed she saw it'd only been just under an hour since he'd dropped her off. She felt so weak.

"_No, no it's good. I was just wondering that's all..." _She trailed off as another tear escaped.

"_Sure you don't want me to come over? Maybe it was too soon-"_ Hotch said before being cut off by JJ.

"_Honestly Hotch I-"_ JJ was cut off herself this time as a pounding knock sounded on her front door. She froze to the spot, rigid and still.

"_JJ?" _The smooth voice spoke over the phone pressed to her ear. She couldn't bring herself to reply.

"_I've gotta go." _She said after a short silent moment fearfully, before putting the phone in her pocket and eyeing the gun.

She felt a sudden respite as she realised who it would be, remembering now what Hotch had said as he dropped her off.

"_Garcia." _She breathed to herself trying to calm down as she closed the drawer shut, taking the blanket off her body and walking through the apartment to her door. She placed the throw down on the sofa before she reached it, not wanting Garcia to see her in this state. She peered through the peephole and removed the chain as she pulled on the handle with all her strength. Garcia stood before her in a bright blue dress with pink fishnet tights and emerald green glasses. Her platinum blonde hair was wound into a tight bun.

"_Hey sweetie!" _She greeted enthusiastically but trying not to be too over-the-top with her voice at the same time. JJ looked down to see her hands carrying a Pyrex dish covered in tin foil.

"_Pen..." _She muttered under her breath, worn out now from her last panic and the energy it took with it. "_You didn't have to." _She spoke softly gesturing down with her head to the dish, knowing what she'd done.

"_Of course I didn't __**have**__ to but I did because I love you, and you need some food in you! And some Garcia time too." _Garcia replied holding up a hand to halt her excuses. JJ sighed in defeat and opened the door back to let her in. She tried to take the food out of her hand to put in the kitchen, knowing that she would probably not eat it, but still not wanting to seem impolite. Garcia noted her efforts.

"_It's fine I've got it." _She said smiling at her and leaning in for a hug with tears in her eyes. JJ tried to put an arm around her shoulder to return the affection but it suddenly felt so unnatural. The contact made her cringe, just like in the hospital again. She pulled back almost immediately, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"_Oh I'm sorry did I hurt you?" _Garcia asked concern filling her wide eyes. JJ thought for a moment. She couldn't tell her what she was really feeling. It didn't make sense, not even to her, so she decided to lie, knowing that she would have to admit she wasn't fine in the process.

"_Just a little." _She whispered in reply, trying to show in her eyes that she was still grateful all the same.

Garcia nodded after a moment and stepped ahead of her into the warmth of the apartment. JJ looked past her through the now empty doorway into the darkness of the night. It was still evening, but the days were becoming shorter now that it was winter. She closed the door shut hurriedly when she realised that she didn't like not being able to see that far ahead of her, and bolted the door before turning to her friend.

JJ saw that Garcia suddenly looked somewhat abashed. She frowned questioningly.

"_What's wrong?" _She asked her.

"_I'm being so ignorant. I thought you may want some company but you literally just got back! I'm being so selfish, you're probably exhausted." _Garcia replied, placing the cooked food down on the worktop of the kitchen space. JJ started to walked over to her, trying to ignore the urge to rub her weary eyes that would surely emphasise that fact.

"_I really appreciate it, and you." _JJ said trying to avoid a proper answer, feeling her own eyes well up again. She'd virtually not stopped crying recently. It was so draining.

"_JJ you look shattered. Here, I'm going to put this in the fridge. It's all cooked by yours truly. It just needs heating up again." _Garcia said caringly, whirling around and placing it in the empty fridge behind her, playing with the foil on top before turning around to face JJ again. JJ subconsciously grasped her stomach out of habit, before seeing Garcia look at where her hand was and back into her eyes. She removed the hand from her torso and entwined her fingers together with her other hand to keep them occupied. Garcia walked back over to JJ who had only moved a few feet from the front door.

"_You need to rest my sweet." _She said looking her up and down before grabbing the blanket off the sofa and wrapping it back around her. JJ didn't even realise her eyelids starting to close until Garcia touched her shoulder. "_C'mon." _She said leading the way to JJ's room, the latter stumbling behind allowing herself to succumb to the need for sleep, and not be sociable to one of her best friends. Garcia pulled back the duvet of her bed and helped JJ lower herself down until her head touched the pillow. Pulling the covers back up, though she still had the extra one wrapped around her, Garcia smoothed her hair off her face.

"_One moment." _She said quietly and returned less than a minute later as she grabbed the bottle of water off the coffee table in the other room and some prescribed painkillers near them, placing them beside her bed next to her clock.

"_I'm sorry."_ JJ mumbled apologetically to her, feeling bad for cutting her off like this, but a sudden profound sleepiness enveloping her body at the same time.

"_Oh my god JJ, it is one hundred percent fine don't you worry! I wasn't thinking straight. I'm glad I got you some food though; everything else in the fridge had to be thrown out as it expired. Just promise me you'll try and eat even a little?" _She rambled lovingly.

"_Yeah." _JJ sighed, the duvet around her body feeling heavier with the drop of her eyes and the beating of her heart. Garcia turned to the door after dropping a feather light kiss on her forehead before proceeding to wipe off the bright lipstick mark it left presumably, when JJ spoke again, her voice hoarse.

"_Penelope?" _She asked.

"_Yes sugar?" _She replied inquisitively.

"_Who was here earlier? The milk, and cookies..." _She uttered, not even bothering to form full sentences, knowing she'd get the jist.

"_Oh, don't worry about it, it was just Em." _She said sweetly. "_Everyone just wants to help, you know? She brought some teabags and stuff too." _

"_Tell her thank you." _JJ said, feeling more awake at the thought of her friends worrying so much about her and feeling guilty.

"_Will do. Now rest!" _Garcia said laughing slightly at the typicality of her friend, and blowing another kiss to her.

JJ guessed that Garcia had let herself out. Even knowing that the door wouldn't have the chain on, she still managed to close her eyes long enough for it to be considered sleep. Her head was sinking deep into the bed, not even acknowledging how tired she was even though she had slept pretty much solidly for the last week, with the exception of the occasional jello pot or blood transfusion procedures. The team visited her that one time all together. And then a few times separately, no one wanting to intrude too much, but wanting to see her badly all the same. After a while of her brain whirring, she drifted into a light stupor.

* * *

><p>"<em>Run JJ!"<em>

Her legs felt like lead, she dragged her limbs as fast as she could, running faster and deeper into the darkness.

**But the eyes caught up with her**.

She didn't want to look at them again, she couldn't. She knew what those eyes meant, what they'd done.

"_I'm the one who killed your sister."_

"_I'm the one who killed your sister." _

"_I'm the one who killed your sister." _

The vile voice echoed off the inside of her head. She couldn't shake off the feeling it left on her skin as it settled on the tiny raised hairs that had come out as goosebumps. It tainted her ears as it drifted in and settled in her mind, the meaning behind the words being absorbed into her.

"_My sister committed suicide."_

"_**My sister..."**_

JJ sat bolt upright in bed, her pulse racing once more as she woke herself up saying the same two words over and over.

Those very two words that may as well have been a bow and arrow, aimed straight for her heart.

She smeared her hands over her face and felt the glisten of the tears as they left their mark. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed she caught the bold red colours of the numbers on the clock.  
><strong>4.22am. <strong>

She tried to control her breathing, knowing that the pain was not helped in her stomach or head if she started to hyperventilate. She untangled the blankets from around her body, feeling restricted and needing space to move. As she freed herself, she stumbled over to the adjoining bathroom which was to a door on her right. Pulling on the chord that released the harsh light down onto her face, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, groaning and remembering the first time she'd seen her face since that night.

_** "I want to see my face." _she said sternly to the doctor looking down at her, holding a mirror in her hands away from JJ's reach.

"_It's only been a couple of days since the attack Jennifer, it will take time to heal, nothing major." _ The doctor replied frowning back at her.

JJ held her palm up, showing the doctor that she was ready, as she placed it in her hands finally. Lifting it up to her face, she gasped as she saw someone staring back at her. Then realising it was her in the reflection that seemed so alien. Her right eye was swollen with a deep purple bruise blossoming beneath it. Her cheekbone below that was grazed a vivid red where blood had been drawn, and the cut had sealed itself. She turned her face slightly, seeing another bruise around her neck and the side of her face, where she'd been told she'd fallen and collided with concrete.

"_It will all heal." _The doctor spoke quietly.

But it was all cold comfort to JJ.

JJ didn't realise how distended her face was, could barely even remember how she'd gotten all these marks in the first place. She winced as she realised everyone would have seen her like this, and worse when they'd found her. Hotch sitting with her not long ago would have seen her in such a state. She saw Hotch's blemished face and split lip, thought that was bad. What had even happened to her to get these? She felt a sob escape her throat, and put the mirror down.**

As JJ recalled what her face looked like around a week ago, there was significant improvement even in the slightest sense. The deep purple bruise under her eye was now a yellow colour with a green tinge to it, something she knew Spencer would say was in the healing process. This gave her a small amount of reassurance. Her eye had come down in the severity of swollenness, but her eyelid was still slightly puffy and red. The mark on her jaw was the same colour as the one under her eye also. She had only seen herself in the mirror on these two occasions since everything. She felt like these were his signature, left on her for the world to see.

Deciding she would get no more sleep, she carefully changed out of the clothes she was still wearing from yesterday and into some grey slacks. As she went to pull the red sweater from over her head to replace it with a light blue t shirt, she instinctively looked down to her body and inhaled sharply in horror. She hadn't seen it yet; she was almost stupid enough to forget for a few hours that she'd even have it, despite the nurses telling her not to worry herself about it by looking several times. They'd always dressed her, and most of the time she'd been too spaced out to even take notice of what they were doing. She dropped the shirt from out of her hands and ripped the sweater off from her arms so she could get full view of it.

Searing right around her stomach towards the left side was a deep red scar, about the length of a pencil. She touched it reflexively; her blonde hair hanging down over her face as she bent her head to look. A tear splashed onto it. This monster had left her with this for life. And she suddenly couldn't hate something more by just looking at it. She didn't even try to stifle her crying as she was so used to recently, instead letting it all out in the privacy of her own home. No matter how hard she tried to cover this up, it was always going to be a part of her, embedded into her skin.


	13. The Broken Blonde

**A/N: I'm always more inspired to write/type faster when I get reviews! So I appreciate every single person who is reading this right now or has left a review in the past, you're all lovely. I'm sorry if this is so doom and gloom but this needs to be realistic, and this way you can appreciate the happy moments more later on :)**

It had been just two hours since JJ had woken up from her nightmare.

Though she realised she couldn't pass it off as that much longer. She'd pushed it far into the back of her mind knowing deep down that it couldn't really have **just** been a dream, because the familiarity that came with it felt like a chain strapped across her heart. But she didn't dare to think of that right now, she'd only just managed to stop sobbing a couple of minutes ago and she knew that the dam would break if she let herself utter a damaging thought for one flicker of a moment. And she wasn't strong enough to handle it.

As she didn't even bother getting out of her slacks, let alone brushing her teeth or combing her hair, she finally stumbled out of the bedroom to get a glass of water, feeling the dryness coat her throat. She'd spent the last couple of hours curled up in a ball on her bed, feeling disgusted with the imprint that was engraved on her stomach forever.

The wintry sun beamed in through the frosty window in the kitchen area, and JJ realised she'd forgotten to shut all her curtains, like she'd planned to the night before. Her pulse sped up suddenly at the thought of being watched. Pulling the material as fast as she could she felt a slight ease within her, and moved on to the rest of the apartment, blocking out the only source of light forcing it's way into her life. As she forgot what she'd even come out of the bedroom for, she collapsed onto the sofa, groaning in pain and instinctively clutching her stomach as she did so. She didn't even care what she looked like, or what she felt like, she just wanted to be sucked right out of this moment and to sleep for a very long time, long enough that she didn't have to face all of this anymore.

The silence that fell on the house was creepily unsettling. Usually when the team had gotten back from a case, there was nothing she longed for more than the serene stillness of her own space, to allow her thoughts to run freely, to allow her emotions to show, to just be content with being alone. But not this time. The lack of noise panicked her, and as she became more aware of this, she became more aware of her mind jostling horrifying pictures in front of her, competing for space in her thoughts. Her hands trembled when it dawned on her that she may never feel normal or happy again. The darkness started to engulfed her brain, though a different kind to the one she'd felt in the ambulance as she crashed, as this one didn't even spare her consciousness.

JJ let her eyelids come down, feeling as heavy as granite, and leaned slightly on the back of the couch, begging not to be awake, but terrified of falling asleep once more. Her mind felt numb, like it had been suddenly submerged under ice water, only to never regain feeling again, once it had been mercifully lifted out. Looking to the coffee table she saw the remote for the television and grabbed it, feeling a repeat of yesterday's events unfolding already. As she turned it on again and sifted aimlessly through the channels, she felt no relief from the background noise, though it was admittedly better than the deafening silence surrounding her. She found an old re-run of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, and watched the whole episode, barely moving. This was one of her all time favourite series, something that never failed to make her laugh, or cry. And whilst she sat through it all, she barely even flinched. When the fake, audience laughter rang through the speakers, no sound was emitted from her own lips, not even a twitch at the corner of her mouth.

She'd never felt so hollow in her life.

* * *

><p>JJ awoke in a pitch black room. Panicking, she jerked up, fumbling around for the light that should be near her. Her fingers felt the cool porcelain and she flicked the switch on the side hurriedly, the small beam lighting the room. Feeling a breath of relief, she lay back on the sofa again. She figured she must have fallen asleep, what time even was it? She saw that the television was still on, the volume barely detectable as it was turned down so low. She couldn't even make out which programme was currently playing. She gazed up at the clock on her wall, rubbing her tired eyes groggily, and couldn't believe it. It was midnight. She'd slept all day, hours upon hours. JJ had never slept like this in her entire life. Not trusting either the clock or her sleep-induced state, she heaved herself off the sofa, walking to the kitchen, remembering she'd not moved all day, and poured herself a glass of water from the icy jug in the fridge. She gulped it down, the chill spreading down her throat and into her stomach, and filled up another glass, chugging it the same way, not realising how thirsty she was.<p>

As she put the jug back away in the fridge, she glanced guiltily at Garcia's home cooked meal for her. She hadn't even bothered to lift up the foil to see what it was, and she didn't plan to. Her stomach lurched at the thought of even eating, not feeling hungry in the slightest still. She checked the digital clock on the oven front, seeing the same time reflected back at her from in the lounge. How had she not even stirred in the slightest? She couldn't even remember the closing of her eyes, or even feeling relaxed enough to let sleep take over her.

JJ hadn't changed out of her clothes for about twenty four hours now. The worst part was she didn't even care. She seemed to stop caring about everything recently, even to the point of not bothering to feed herself for a day, or showering. Truth be told, she didn't even have the energy for it, mentally or physically. Wandering back to her bedroom, she switched lights on all around, fearing what lurked in the corners of the darkness. Once she'd reached her bedroom, she realised she hadn't even unpacked her bag that someone had taken to the hospital for her during her stay. Wrapping the blanket off the bed and around her tightly, she bent down into the light pink bag. She pulled out a couple of changes of clothes that she'd barely worn, as she'd lived in the hospital gowns with all her regular checks and examinations, it had been easier. JJ tossed them aside a moment, her brain not able to process what to do with them, and reached back into the bag where her fingers found something cool and metal. She pulled it out, unsure as to what it was and saw it was her cell phone. She'd completely forgotten about this. She felt a twinge of something within her, surface. This object had been her life for the last few years, she'd practically had it glued to her ear twenty four/seven and the fact she'd even forgotten that she had a device which connected her to the outside world, now scared her. Thumbing the power button and realising that the battery must be empty, she couldn't bring herself to put it on charge. As soon as it powered back up she knew she would have messages and missed calls out of pity and sympathy. That was not what she was prepared for, it was too soon. So she placed it on the side with her clothes. Knowing that there was a house phone next to her bed gave her comfort, if she needed it for emergencies.

She wasn't sure how long she carried on sitting on the carpet for, but it felt like a lifetime. As her mind raced, her body just stayed frozen. JJ didn't even know where she would move to, her only options were to sleep or watch TV, and she didn't want to do either, so she stayed there a little longer, suddenly thinking about her nightmare the night before.

**You know what it really was JJ. **She thought to herself.

Of course she did, her memory was returning, like the first night she'd awoken in the hospital. It was all coming back in fractured pieces, making it hard to put together. Thinking back to when Emily had come to visit her later on in the week, she remembered being explained everything in more detail, the parts Hotch had been afraid to speak, for fear of her falling apart, again. But how could she be more broken than she was now? Emily had taken her hand into hers, a simple gesture that was becoming ritualistic recently, and looked her square on, not breaking her gaze, and gone over everything with her again.

**"_Em, please tell me what happened to Hotch? Why was his face like that?" _She had asked in a childish voice, tainted with a guilty conscience, pleading.

"_It's not your fault JJ; I just want you to know that." _Prentiss had started, nodded slightly trying to get her friend to believe the words before continuing. "_Paramedics said that he was given a tranquilizer drug of sorts, and beaten repeatedly whilst drifting in and out of consciousness. I think it was all a game to the Unsub, something that kept him occupied whilst you were out cold." _She said honestly, giving her hand a gentle squeeze as she knew the pain the words caused her.

JJ bit back tears feeling awful. "_Why, why didn't he kill him if he thought he was getting in the way of me and him?" _She asked, pushing the golden lock out of her face and behind her ear. Remembering earlier on in their conversation of how Emily had spoken about the photographs, the stalking.

"_He was going to, he had a gun to the both of you. Hotch said he woke up just as he was about to pull the trigger on him, but you distracted him, stopped him. You saved his life." _Prentiss said smiling, encouraging JJ to feel the same way, knowing it was pointless. If it was her in this horrifying scenario, she knew she'd feel the same way despite everything.

"_Yeah well he wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place if it wasn't for me_. _None of those people...__**children"**_She said correcting herself, "_would be dead if I wasn't here." _She trailed off, a tear streaming down her face and wanting the earth to swallow her there and then, not even caring about pretences anymore .

Emily turned away so as not to let JJ see her own tears.**

JJ became aware of the tears from her memory flowing into reality again. She shuffled over to the bed that still had the covers thrown open from early this morning. Not even caring about the pain tearing through her stomach, or the medication the doctor had told her to take, or that she needed to ring people, communicate with them, she lay down, trying to keep her mind blank. Despite sleeping all day, she felt drained of everything and knew she could do nothing but sleep again, or at least attempt to. But she dreaded the thought of a face coming back from her memories to match the eyes she saw every time she closed her lids.

* * *

><p>It was a heavy knocking on the door that woke her up hours later into the morning. Sitting up in a panic, she hesitated before throwing off the blankets wrapped around her body, and grabbed her Glock from the drawer by her side, protectively. She couldn't explain it but she felt less weak with it in front of her, it was like her shield. She moved through the rooms, fully awake though still tired, her heart beating fast. When she got to the door, there was a knocking again.<p>

"_JJ, it's Rossi." _A smooth voice called out from the other side of the wood.

JJ for some reason, not trusting her mind or her ears, peeked through the peephole to see the familiar face waiting expectantly on her front steps. It was bright out despite it being a chilly winter morning and she saw Rossi's breath come out in a plume of warm air as he exhaled. Laying her gun down next to the door on a small table, she unlocked it, and pulled off the chain, her hands shaking weakly.

"_Hey Kiddo." _He greeted her caringly, quickly looking her up and down.

"_Oh hey Dave, sorry I was...never mind, come in." _She said croakily, her voice thick with sleep and isolation.

"_Don't worry, I'm not staying." _He said glancing down at what he was carrying. JJ followed his eyes to see more dishes wrapped in foil in his arms and sighed, though she was glad that this seemed to be a brief visit. The pain in her stomach flashed across for a moment as she took a deep breath in, trying to keep her composure in front of her friend.

Rossi could see how tired she was. He could recognise the attempted-hiding-of-pain a mile off, it was something he was so accustomed to seeing with the job, but JJ's look was different. He saw how hard she was trying to keep it together and suddenly felt a mixture of guilt and worry for dropping by, but still knew it was best that someone checked up on her.

"_Dave-"_ She started in protest but Rossi cut her short with a gentle wave of his hand and a twinkling smile. "_Don't even bother JJ, I'm Italian, I can't help it." _He winked at her. Seeing Dave's humorous self gave JJ a small comfort in the moment.

"_A polenta casserole, vegetable chowder and a chicken and rice dish." _He saw the look JJ was giving him as he explained the contents of the bowls he was carrying, not wanting her to take the gesture the wrong way. Her face went from embarrassed to grateful though in a flicker of a moment, and her eyes softened slightly.

"_Thank you, really." _She said, taking them out of his hands, and walking over to put them on the worktop in the kitchen area before coming back to him again. She hated the way Rossi was looking at her with pity, but despite her stubbornness in accepting help, actually felt genuinely pleased that he'd come. She hadn't had an appetite since any of this had happened, but she knew that taking these would put his, and probably the team's mind at rest, as he would no doubt report back to them.

"_Are you sure you don't want to come in?"_ she asked trying to be polite but her voice gave her away.

"_No not at all, I got stuff to be doing, even though it's technically my golfing day." _He said cheekily, smiling. "_I'll be off now." _He stepped closer and gave JJ a kiss on both cheeks, noticing her gun by the front door as he did so. She limply held onto his hands as he did so, before he turned away to get back to his car.

"_Take care of yourself Kid." _He said suddenly serious, but still smiling. There was something in his eyes that JJ couldn't place.

"_I will." _She replied, lying bare through her teeth. She closed the door and slumped to the floor still leaning on the back of it, and let the tears of struggling, wash down her face.

* * *

><p><strong>3 days later: <strong>**(At the BAU)**

"_Come in." _Hotch called from behind his desk, looking up from his paperwork as he saw who walked in. "_Prentiss?" _He asked questioningly.

"_Hey. Urm, listen can I talk to you for a moment?" _She asked, picking her fingers slightly as she stood in his doorway.

"_Sure, take a seat." _He said standing to meet her as she closed the door and sat down opposite him. He lowered himself back into his chair.

"_What can I help you with?"_

"_We need to talk about JJ." _She replied, her voice slightly breaking on the last word.

"_What about her?" _Hotch asked, frowning.

"_It's been three days since Rossi dropped over his batch of frozen food." _Prentiss said, her eyes mirroring the worry she felt. "_I've spoken to the team, we've all tried calling her recently, and she hasn't answered any of us." _She said leaning forward to the desk, still picking her fingers subconsciously.

"_Has anyone been over?" _He asked, feeling ashamed for not trying harder to get in contact with her. He knew that if it was him though, he'd want to be alone. He hadn't bothered so much as he sensed that she would have enough of that from the rest of the team. He'd managed to talk to Strauss yesterday and go over everything again. Though she warned him that he should still be off recovering, he'd promised her he wouldn't return to the field until the doc gave him the all clear, despite feeling fine. So he'd returned to do paperwork, and give the team his presence, knowing that he had to be there for them all.

"_Since Rossi went, Reid called about ten times in total throughout the few days, it went straight to voicemail. Her home phone rang a few times but either she didn't hear it or ignored it. Same thing with me except I actually went over to check up on her, I heard the TV on and heard her move, but I think she didn't answer on purpose." _Once Emily had finished speaking, she leaned back in her chair slightly, crossing her arms, her big brown eyes boring into Hotch's equally chocolate ones.

"_You think she's okay?" _He asked realising how stupid that sounded out loud.

"_I don't know Hotch." _She shook her head slightly, her rose coloured lips curling into her mouth. "_But, you're the only one that hasn't tried. Maybe if you just went round? She might answer to you." _Emily offered, knowing her suggestion was weak. They couldn't physically barge their way into her house, she would need time, but simultaneously, they really did need to make sure she was okay.

"_Okay, I can try." _He said after a moment, sighing. "_I get off work in a couple of hours so I'll drive straight over there, and ring beforehand." _He explained trying to calm Prentiss down. She stood up and thanked him before walking out of his office and back down into the bullpen.

Once she had left, Hotch walked over to his office window, and through the blinds saw her talking to Morgan and Garcia, pointing her thumb up to Hotch blindly as she spoke. They all nodded, but kept the etched look of worry plain on their faces. Eventually they all separated and went back to their own desks, but their heads still weren't there.

Hotch strolled back over to his desk and lifted up the navy plastic phone to his ear, punching in the numbers.

* * *

><p>JJ heard her phone ring but didn't even bother to move from the spot on the couch where she'd sat continuously for the last few days. She didn't even know how long she'd been here, or what time it was. She felt bad for ignoring her friends but she physically couldn't face them. Sipping on the cold glass of water, she felt the fatigue deep within her bones. At the sixth ring, it cut through to the answering machine.<p>

"_JJ, It's me Hotch." _

At the sound of the familiar voice she jumped slightly, bringing her back out of her mind.

"_I know you can probably hear me. I'm just ringing to tell you that I'll be stopping over after work in a couple of hours or so." _He said, his voice full of care and anxiety.

JJ suddenly felt like she should pick up the phone, talk to him, talk to someone, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"_Anyway, see you then." _He murmured as he trailed off before the phone clicked down at the end of the message. Anger and panic suddenly flashed through her as she thought of him coming into her home. She wanted to be alone in her own house, was that too much to ask? The constant ringing of the doorbell and phone felt incessant to her. She just wanted to sleep.

* * *

><p>When JJ heard the sound of knocking a while later, she no longer felt as fearful as she did when Rossi had turned up unexpectedly. She'd known Hotch was coming, but that still didn't make her any less prepared to see him. The couch wasn't too far away from the door, so she dragged her heavy limbs up and over to let him in, knowing she wouldn't get away with just a doorstep visit this time.<p>

"_Keep it together JJ." _She muttered under her breath, fighting back the urge to cry as she opened the door, the beam of the sun painful on her eyes. As she squinted slightly, she saw him standing there in his grey suit before her.

"_Come in" _She said mumbling.

Hotch looked at her for a moment, feeling extremely guilty for not coming before now. Her face was barely recognisable of the JJ they all knew and loved. The bruises had considerably gone down, leaving a faint trace of a yellowish tint under her eye and jaw. It wasn't just the marks though; it was her gaunt face, her sallow cheekbones, and the sparkle that had vanished from her deep blue eyes, which pained him the most.

He simply gave her a small smile and walked through the threshold, his eyes quickly scanning the room and taking it in. The gun by the front door, the blanket and empty glasses by the couch, even the state of JJ told him all he needed to know. He felt uneasy as he was unsure how to proceed. Not wanting to offend her feelings or push her unnecessarily, but still trying to remain calm and assertive, he sat down on the end of the couch. JJ followed.

"_Hotch, you didn't have to come by." _She said timidly, afraid the wavering in her voice would give away her deception, knowing that he could see how she really was anyway.

Hotch thought for a moment, waiting until her eyes met his. He leant forward on his knees before talking.

"_JJ, everyone's worried about you." _He said gently. Seeing her like this made something inside him twinge, she was always so kept together at work, she'd been through so much before and not even blinked. Even though this was personal, he truly thought she'd still pull through eventually. But taking a look at her pale face and swollen eyes, and clothes he presumed she'd not changed out of for days, he saw how broken she was, and it made him feel broken too. He just couldn't explain why.

"_Well they needn't be, it's good." _She tried to say bravely but her voice quivered before a sob escaped up her throat.

"_JJ..." _He said trailing off and putting a hand on her shoulder consolingly. He was never good in emotional situations; he usually refrained from making physical contact and tried to stay distant. But this time was different; he wanted to make her stop hurting, to take the pain away.

"_I'm sorry." _She said wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. She surprised herself that she didn't flinch that much when he touched her. With everyone else it had felt too close for comfort, an invasion of personal space, and she wasn't even sure why.

"_You have nothing to be sorry about." _He replied back, leaning down to her level as she stooped her head lower in her hands.

Hotch saw the bottle of pills on the kitchen counter, and through the opaque plastic, he could see that the container still looked full.

"_Have you been taking your medication?" _He asked, trying not to sound too patronising.

JJ just looked up at him, her mind sifting for an answer, an excuse even, but coming up empty. She simply shook her head slightly, the tears still rolling.

Hotch gingerly got up from the couch, handing JJ a tissue from a nearby box as he did so. She took it, scrunching it up in her hand and roughly over her face, whilst Hotch walked towards the kitchen. He couldn't see any food around, let alone any plates or bowls that needed washing, and realised she probably hadn't eaten. Checking the label of the pills, he tossed a few into his hand and searched for a glass before filling it with water, walking back over to her and proffering them. She grudgingly took them, not looking up at Hotch, feeling too ashamed.

Hotch went back to the fridge to see if there was any food and saw Dave and Garcia's left untouched. Frowning for a moment whilst thinking what to do, he took off his suit jacket, hanging it on the back of a stool by the breakfast bar. JJ heard the noise and turned around, her eyes puffy and red, her voice hoarse as she sniffed.

"_What are you doing?" _She asked quietly.

"_I'm going to make you something to eat." _He replied back to her, grabbing the first dish he found in the fridge and lifting off the foil. "_Is casserole okay?" _Hotch asked as he saw what was in it. JJ shook her head.

"_Hotch, I'm not hungry." _

"_JJ, you haven't eaten in nearly a week since you were in hospital. You barely ate there. You'll waste away." _He said, trying to keep his tone with a hint of authority because he knew this was a time when she needed a push. She seemed to resign and sink back into the couch, not bothering to protest anymore. Hotch took this as a good sign and rolled up his sleeves a little, bending down to figure out how to turn the oven on.

As JJ's body moulded into the back of the sofa, she could barely think about what was happening. The fact that her boss, their unit chief, and her friend was in her kitchen making her food whilst she was too helpless, made her feel awful. She didn't want anyone to see her like this; it was a private thing, mourning.

Hotch placed the dish in the oven to warm up, eventually finding some plates and setting them aside to find cutlery. He saw JJ shiver slightly as a fresh batch of tears rolled down her face, hidden mostly by the golden waves of her hair, falling in front of her eyes. Hotch went back over, grabbing the blanket and throwing it gently over her shoulders before sitting next to her again. He wished he could do something more to make her stop crying.

"_JJ, you can talk to me." _He encouraged softly, his voice smoother than usual.

"_I know." _She sniffed, still not looking him in the eye.

"_You've been through a lot, no one expects you to bounce back right away." _As he said the words he felt how little meaning they had to them for JJ. She kept her eyes on the floor, saying nothing. Hotch moved closer and placed a hand on her knee carefully.

Though JJ was so buried in her own mind to notice what was going on around her, the little spark of electricity sent through his fingertips to her knee brought her back to the present, and the touch felt right. She finally looked at him, and inhaled deeply before she spoke.

"_My memory's been coming back." _She stated nervously, afraid of what he would say.

"_Oh." _Hotch stuttered, the lines of sympathy sunken into his forehead. He knew he wasn't technically qualified to talk about this kind of situation, but if it meant JJ opening up to him, then he was more than happy to listen.

"_I've only had a couple of flashbacks. But I hardly need more." _She said dabbing at her eyes. "_I've seen his face, I remember." _She felt silly spouting this all of to Hotch, but she couldn't fathom why him out of everyone else felt the most comfortable. She'd felt awful the day she'd heard Emily knocking on the door of her house, knowing the brunette agent stood on the other side of the wood, waiting to see her. And she'd beat herself up thinking about Spencer ringing over and over just to hear her voice. So why was she telling Hotch this now?

"_Anything you want to ask?" _He offered trying to remain neutral.

"_I know who he is Hotch. I've been thinking about it constantly for the last few days. I know I wanted to do this on my own which is why you guys didn't tell me many details about him. But I know now. I've finally placed him." _Her ocean eyes were wide in recollection as a big tear spilled over her lashes. Hotch suddenly had an urge to lift his hand up to her face and catch the tear, wiping it away, but he got himself together again, unsure of what this even meant. He continued to gaze at her.

"_He was my neighbour. I was only young, so was...__**she.**__" _JJ didn't even bother trying to regain what little dignity she felt she had left. She had never let herself fall apart so much in front of someone before.

"_He used to walk past our front yard and give me roses." _Her eyes shifted as she looked at something far off in her distant memory. "_I don't know why it took me this long to place him. I don't think I knew when I first saw him." _The words started to tumble out of her mouth, becoming easier to utter.

"_My parents thought he was so nice. Always paying attention to me, asking me how my day was when I was walking home from school. I just thought he was being polite, but now I realise it was so much more..." _She trailed off, her eyes focusing back on Hotch again. Hotch felt a lump in his own throat and swallowed it down hard.

"_I'm so sorry for what happened to you." _She whispered, but Hotch cleared his throat to argue or halt her apology.

"_And those kids...what...what am I supposed to say to their parents? Their families?" _She broke down, her whole body shaking. Hotch became aware that the wall JJ so often hid behind, was coming crumbling down, but only for him.

He shifted closer to her, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, softly pulling her into his chest. She moved into him, her head under his, with his other arm wrapped around her front. She closed her eyes and let the tears fall, as his chin rested on her blonde hair.

And they both were oblivious to the oven timer that rang.


	14. The Returning Appetite

**A/N: Please review! No account needed. I truly love to hear your opinions and you have no idea how quicker it makes me type to get the next chapter done. Thanks if you're still reading this, or even if you've just tuned in.**

JJ weakly held out her hands for the plate that Hotch was handing her, with a now-warmed-up, steamy dish of casserole. Though she felt no pangs of hunger remotely, it did smell a little more appetizing than she thought. Hotch brought over the knives and forks and sat down next to her on the couch with a plate of his own, apparently deciding to stay for a while longer.

She lifted her fork, which felt like a lead weight, to her mouth and took the first bite of the hot meal, instantly warming her throat and insides as she ate. The clink of metal on china was the only sound that could be heard for a while, until JJ placed her plate onto the coffee table with some effort, scraped clean, whilst Hotch was not even half way through his yet.

"_Weren't hungry?" _Hotch asked, smirking a fraction, looking a little happier since he'd first arrived. JJ licked her lips clean.

"_I don't think I realised how much I needed that." _She quietly said, feeling embarrassed for being such a slob in front of him. This whole situation was bizarre to say the least.

"_There's still some more left in the oven. Want me to get you some?" _He asked, obviously desperate to encourage her to continue eating. In the small amount of time that had passed, she'd quite clearly lost weight. Her arms just a little bonier than before, her skin lost of its previous, dewy colour. Hotch was just glad that this was the small way he could help, and make her feel better.

JJ thought for a minute, and then nodded to him, smiling weakly. "_I'll get it." _She spoke, heaving herself up from the sofa, the blanket still engulfing her. But Hotch immediately stood up, putting his own plate aside, giving her a gentle push on her shoulder.

"_Sit down." _He ordered, his boss-like voice coming through again, a tone that JJ was so accustomed to following. Resignedly, she sat back down as he brought her back a second helping. She finished it just as quickly as the first one, at the same time Hotch finished his too, feeling fuller quicker than she normally did. She'd obviously passed what her stomach could handle for one day.

After a little protesting, Hotch cleared up, speedily rinsing the plates roughly with a sponge and putting them away. He felt like he should be going, not wanting to intrude in JJ's home but he knew that he may be able to help more if he stayed a little while longer, so he went and sat back down on the sofa again.

For the first time in a while, though it was still so soon, JJ felt a small fraction of peace within her. Having Hotch here made her feel safe. And that was something she longed for the most right now. The food inside her felt good too, though her stomach ached, she ignored it. She felt so weak recently; maybe this would help a little. Also, she hadn't slipped much into her mind since he had been here, and for that she was extremely thankful. Something about him drew her mind out and anchored her into the current moment. It stopped her mind from wandering deep into the depths she knew she'd have to learn to get out of.

"_JJ?" _Hotch asked suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence and turning to look at her. His eyes were hazel in this light, and his bruised lip on full display as he sat next to the lamp. As JJ's eyes graced over it, she felt a wave of guilt wash over her. She couldn't believe she'd put him through this, she'd apologised so many times but just knowing that the marks imprinted on his face were because of her, clouded her mind. She reminded herself to look up into his eyes. Her head titled slightly in curiosity.

"_Do you think it's time you started looking for a therapist maybe?" _He put the suggestion out gingerly, not sure as to how she would take it. He could physically feel her emotional equilibrium in the air, knowing the scales may tip at any moment. Feeling that it was too soon in the recovery process to start talking about how this was the tiniest first step needed in returning to the BAU, he told himself not to mention anything about work at all for the moment, knowing it would increase her stress levels.

JJ's heart faltered. The thought of talking to a stranger, releasing her hidden emotions to some doctor sat in a chair made her shiver. She was a private person, and she intended to keep her grief that way too. Though as she looked up into his eyes and saw the concern, she reconsidered her answer for his benefit, feeling like she at least owed him that after everything, yet her mind still reeled at the idea.

"_I'm not sure Hotch..." _She trailed off, not wanting this conversation to go any further.

"_I think it would be a good idea." _He replied softly, trying to edge his point across.

JJ chewed down on the soft skin on the inside of her lip, pulling harder with her teeth as her thoughts got deeper.

"_I don't know if I'm ready." _She said, barely audible. She felt Hotch's eyes penetrate her as she turned her gaze to stare intently at the placemats on the table in front of her, eyeing them as she would an evidence board. Hotch saw her doubt glimmer across her irises.

"_Look, you need someone to talk to about all of this. I didn't want to sound so harsh but you're understandably, not coping very well as it is."_ He signalled around the apartment with a tip of his head. He felt bad for saying these words and his heart felt heavy again, but he continued, knowing this was what she needed.

"_I know it's still such early days, but I'm concerned about you. I need you to take care of yourself." _His voice had now moved to a whisper to match JJ's hushed tones. Not taking his eyes off her, he finally saw the vivid blue meet his again.

"_I am." _She mumbled, her fingers clasping their opposites on the other hand forcefully, trying to take her feelings out on her hands. She felt so helpless considering a therapist. It was something she'd never needed before in her life, she was always so strong. But this was different, she knew that, and she knew it probably would also be for the best.

"_JJ, what day is it today?" _Hotch asked out of the blue, causing JJ to panic at the new topic of conversation, not prepared to answer. She desperately racked her mind, trying to remember how many days she'd actually spent out of hospital. Or which day she went into the hospital...

Hotch saw the blankness written across her face and felt awful for putting her on the spot like this. He couldn't help his tough love, it was ingrained in him, and it was the only way he knew how to show that he cared.

"_It's Tuesday." _He answered for her after a moment. She nodded meekly. He looked her up and down quickly too. "_And how long have you been wearing those clothes?" _He said, trying to keep his tone non-judgemental.

Once again, JJ's mind came up completely empty. She didn't even know. Shame filled up her veins as she let herself be so open with Hotch.

"_I don't know." _She said, with pity in her voice.

Hotch considered something for a while, then shifted his position.

"_I have to go now." _He said soothingly, though he sounded sad too. "_But I will be back straight after work tomorrow to cook again. Don't bother arguing." _He said smiling weakly at her, getting up to get his jacket and putting it back on, before leaning down to pull JJ into another awkward, yet needed hug. It was the strangest combination of feeling wrong and feeling so right at the same time. JJ could tell the hug came with extreme caution. Hotch's hands barely grazed her back, like she may shatter at any moment.

"_Do you need anything before I go, need me to do anything?" _He offered.

JJ shook her head. "_It's fine, think I'm just going to crash on the couch tonight." _She said as if this was a new experience, knowing full well it was anything but.

JJ felt sad as Hotch walked over to the door, turning and nodding to her as he strolled out. She didn't realise the effect he had on her whilst he was here. The void in her heart was filled a fraction, and she realised she could stay in the present for much longer, something that was greatly needed. After tonight though, something had changed in the way she saw things. She could feel the cogs in her gap-filled mind start to turn the other way, in reverse. And she felt like this was a positive sign somehow.

* * *

><p><strong>The next day:<strong>

**(At the BAU)**

Reid nimbly climbed the stairs to reach his unit chief. In the bullpen, he and his co-workers had been discussing the situation, all taking turns to voice their concerns about their friend. Emily had told him that she'd spoken to Hotch yesterday, and that he'd said he would stop by after work, and Reid needed to know how it went. It pained him deeply not to be able to see her, but he understood that she obviously didn't feel ready.

"_Come in" _Hotch called after hearing a rapping at his door.

Reid walked in and sat down in front of him. Hotch had seen him make his way from his desk, through the office window, he knew one of them would ask. And he was going to tell them eventually that he'd managed to get through to her. He just had too much work to do for Strauss right now, and didn't want his team distracted.

"_How did it go?" _Reid asked, looking up into his boss' eyes worryingly.

"_She's doing okay." _Hotch replied, placing his paperwork to the side for a moment, keeping hold of the pen though and twisting it in his fingers.

"_She answered the door to you?" _Reid asked surprise evident in his eyes. Part of him felt betrayed by JJ. Why hadn't she bothered to return his calls but answered the door to her boss? He pushed this feeling away, realising it was selfish to think this now.

"_Yes. I think she's just starting to want to have a conversation with people now Reid." _He added on at the end, not wanting to further hurt his feelings. This was true, though she had answered the door to Garcia, she was only with her for a few minutes, and JJ was probably half conscious at the time. And she had offered Rossi inside, but Dave knew her heart wasn't in it and sensed it wasn't the time to be pushing her.

"_That's...good." _He said nodding, truly meaning it despite his slight hurt. "_Do you think it'd be okay if I went round soon?" _Reid asked, sounding like a child asking his father's permission to go on a play date.

Hotch thought for a minute; he didn't know what to say back to him. Should he tell him that he had plans to stop by again tonight or would that make him more upset? He had a feeling that JJ wasn't quite ready to see her friends yet. Even though she'd let him in. He considered this, thinking what she'd want.

"_Maybe wait a little while longer. When she's ready, she'll call you." _He offered, feeling bad for not telling him the truth, even though it wasn't technically lying. She seemed comfortable with Hotch last night, and he figured her crying in front of one person was probably the most she could handle right now. He made a mental note to suggest to her to start replying to people, just by phone, to start. The team were getting antsy.

"_So she's really alright? I mean, I know she must be in a lot of pain." _Reid looked like he wanted to continue his sentence, but for some reason stopped there and looked down at the floor. Hotch rolled the ball pen through his hands subconsciously.

"_She seems to be a doing a little better than when she was in hospital." _Hotch said truthfully this time, knowing it was okay to say that. She'd practically been a zombie during her stay, not to blame her, a lot had happened so quickly.

"_I'm glad." _Reid said looking back into Hotch's face, swallowing loudly, his Adam's apple bobbing in his skinny neck. "_Anyway, I'll err, go let the team know." _He spoke again, before slowly getting up from his seat and heading to the door before Hotch suddenly spoke.

"_She really does want to see you all Reid. She just wants to make sure she's feeling better before she tries to be with you all again." _Hotch's voice lingered in the room for a moment.

"_Why is she okay with you being with her then?" _Reid asked, his voice wavering the tiniest amount.

Hotch really couldn't even answer the question himself, why was that the case? He wasn't sure. He sighed looking at Reid still and shrugged his shoulders, frowning.

And as he walked out of the office, Hotch swore he saw the smallest glisten in Spencer's eyes.

* * *

><p>JJ had practically slept all day again. By the time she woke up, she realised Hotch would be over in less than half an hour. She dragged herself to the bathroom, and when going to wash her hands, glanced up at the mirror again. She was surprised at how well her face was healing. The bruises were definitely still there, her left eye still sort of swollen but not as severe. It had taken a long time for it to go down this much considering she had been in hospital for so long. But the doctors had told her that because there was a chance that her nose was slightly broken with the collision of the punch, and that the socket of her eye had been hit so hard, it would take time. She saw her hair properly for the first time since she'd been home. The normally radiant blonde waves that cascaded onto her shoulders had been replaced with limp, greasy straw-like hair that clung to her tear stained face. She felt her cheeks flush as she remembered that she'd looked like this yesterday. She groaned heavily and reached for her comb from the drawer under the sink.<p>

As she ran it through her hair, she saw that there really was no way to remedy this situation. Realising that she didn't have the energy or time to wash it, she picked up a nearby scrunchie and roughly threw it into a messy bun, smoothing it off her face. She leant down and splashed some cool water onto her face, the shock of it helping to wake her up. Her eyelids still felt laden, but she found it easier to resist the urge to close them again. Just then, she heard a knock sounding on the door followed by a voice floating through the apartment with it.

"_It's just me." _Hotch called out.

JJ panicked a little, realising the state she was still in but made her way to get the door. She glanced at the gun beside it that she'd kept there a few days ago, becoming aware of how paranoid it made her look, cringing again that a few had seen it there, and moved it to a nearby book shelf, out of sight.

"_Hi." _She said, attempting to make the smile meet her eyes as she opened the door to greet Hotch, he reflected an equal one back at her, before stepping in.

"_You look...better." _Hotch said in secret wonder, skimming over her quickly with his eyes, realising that the food must have done her good. Her skin had more colour to it, albeit a small amount, and her eyes didn't look quite as sunken and hopeless as yesterday. Hotch took off his jacket, making himself at home subtly and closing the door behind him as they went back to the couch in the same positions as yesterday.

"_I feel it, kind of. Think it was Rossi's casserole. You might want to tell him that." _She said, making a tiny offhand laugh, surprising herself. Hotch stared intently at her, noticing a slight improvement. He turned himself to face her more fully.

"_Maybe you could? They're all itching to see you JJ." _He said timidly, not wanting to cause her to have a nervous breakdown at the thought.

"_I guess it's time I maybe charged and turned my cell back on..." _She said sighing, thinking of the real word that awaited her with a flick of a button.

"_That's a start." _Hotch said kindly.

"_I'm sorry I look like this." _JJ said, leaning back and letting her shoulders drop. Her blonde eyebrows pulled together in worry. "_I can't get changed at the moment." _She didn't want to go into more, if she said it hurt too much it would cause Hotch to fret, and if she didn't explain, what would he think of her? That she was too lazy? JJ's mind span, she wasn't even sure why she cared so much. She put it down to her need for some sort of dignity.

"_Does it hurt?" _Hotch asked, the care causing him to frown as he looked intently into her eyes. "_Be honest." _

JJ looked back at him, biting her lip again.

"_Nothing I can't handle." _She tried to smile at this but felt the familiar bulge of an oncoming meltdown, deep in the back of her throat and eyes.

"_Have you taken you tablets today?" _He spoke, looking around for the container.

"_Yeah." _JJ said, unknowingly placing a finger to her stomach.

Hotch saw this action and looked back at her.

"_Why don't I go and grab some clothes for you from your room now, and whilst I'm here you can try and change in the bathroom? That way if anything happens, I can be right outside?" _Hotch had thought about this for a while before suggesting, he didn't want to seem inappropriate and thought it was strange he'd even offered it. He felt like he should call one of the girls to come help her, but JJ would have done that by now if she'd needed them.

"_Hotch..."_ JJ was silenced by Hotch's input again.

"_At least, let me call Prentiss or Garcia. There are some things you need help with that obviously I can't do. You need to let people help you JJ." _He said with intensity, leaning further forwards on his knees now, desperate to help her.

"_No, I...I just need some more time before I see everyone __**properly**__ again." _She said defiantly, sitting more upright as she thought things over.

"_Well you need to change; the best time's when you're not alone." _He said, cringing at what she may be thinking of his help and resenting his bluntness right away.

JJ continued to mull it over. She really did need to change, she'd woken up today realising what a mess she was. And the with the way she was thinking suddenly changing, she acknowledged that she needed to take care of herself a little better. Though the amount of self hatred she had was undeniable, she kept reminding herself that this man had done all of this, not her. The voice saying that was just small and quiet right now, but it was definitely there.

"_It's okay, I can get the clothes." _She thought about the next part, cringing probably as equally as Hotch was. She'd never accepted so much help before than she had in the last week.

"_Maybe it would be better if you waited outside the bathroom whilst I tried though. Sometimes it hurts a bit to reach upwards." _As she said this, Hotch nodded and she slowly got up, motioning for him to follow her. She didn't want him in her bedroom with it being in such a state, she felt like this was the one room left in her house that was hers. However she knew this would put his mind at rest as well as hers.

Grabbing the nearest things she could find which were a pair of leggings and a plain pink t shirt, she moved into the adjoining bathroom, before telling Hotch to take a seat on the bed, and apologising for the untidiness.

Not bothering to lock the door, she slowly peeled off her slacks and existing shirt, wincing a little at the movement, but feeling glad she'd decided to get changed. Once they were off and she was in nothing but her underwear, she found the deodorant, spraying it under her arms to freshen up. She caught sight of the scar in her mirror and withdrew her hand from near her body in shock again. She felt like she'd never get used to the sight of it in her entire life. A tear rolled down her cheek.

Trying to get it as quickly covered up as she could, and out of her mind, she stretched downwards for her replacement top on the floor, gasping sharply at the stabbing pain that ripped through her abdomen.

"_Oww!" _She whimpered, louder than she thought she did, not realising because the pain was so bad. Hotch immediately got up from the bed with a creak and ran over to the door, remembering it was unlocked and wondering whether to just open it or not.

"_JJ?" _He asked urgently, concerned.

"_I'm, I'm fine." _She stuttered, biting down on her lip to keep in her sobs.

"_JJ you don't sound fine, let me in." _He called through the door.

"_Hotch no I don't want you to see me like this!" _She cried, now curled up on the floor with her arms wrapped around her knees tightly trying to subdue the pain. She gasped again as it flashed through her, most likely from her heavy breathing.

Hotch swung the door open, staring down worryingly at her, and seeing that she was not in much clothing, averted his eyes right away.

"_What can I do?" _He asked impatiently. Though not at JJ, at himself.

"_I'm fine. I just need to get changed. I think I bent down too quickly and- OW!" _She wailed in pain again as she reached down to gather up her clothes for the second time trying to prove she was okay.

"_Okay, I'm calling Prentiss." _ He said sharply, taking the phone out of his pocket and speed dialling her number. "_Do you need me to call the hospital too? How much does it hurt?" _His hands were held out extended in the air, trying to help. He saw JJ shake her head.

JJ knew she couldn't stop him from calling Emily, and to be honest that was probably the best thing, but there was no way she wanted to go back into the hospital again. She felt like she'd finally been freed. She wanted to stay in her home.

As Hotch spoke hurriedly on the phone to Prentiss, she heard him explain quickly what was going on before walking into the lounge and grabbing the blanket off the back of the sofa and giving it to JJ, still making sure his eyes didn't linger over her, making her feel uncomfortable. She was grateful for this. She felt mortified that she'd been so weak again in front of him.

"_Prentiss is going to be here in ten. She was on her way back from the bureau anyway." _He informed JJ, crouching down in the doorway, now being able to make eye contact with her. JJ bleakly nodded.

"_I'm sorry...I shouldn't have told you to get changed." _He said rubbing his hands over his chin and then his eyes.

JJ felt awful already, and now knowing she'd made him feel bad too, made her feel worse. "_Hotch it's not your fault, I needed to. It would've happened even if you weren't here." _She said to him, trying to get him to absorb the words.

As she stayed curled up on the floor in pain and unable to move much waiting for Prentiss with Hotch, she'd never felt more exposed than she was in that moment. Even with a thick blanket wrapped around her.


	15. The Little Help From Friends

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, truly. I'm sorry if you thought Hotch didn't cope very well, but even though he's basically indestructible, he is still a guy and didn't know how to react in that situation. Have no fear though, he'll be back. Keep them coming!**

"_Emily I am so so sorry." _JJ muttered shaking her head in disbelief whilst sitting on her bed. Her friend was sat next to her with an arm wrapped loosely around JJ's shoulders. Though Prentiss had helped her get dressed in the bathroom whilst Hotch waited in the kitchen, JJ had put the blanket back on afterwards. Feeling too vulnerable and needing to wrap herself up so she didn't have to look down at any visible skin, not wanting a reminder of how fragile she was.

"_Jayje, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Sergio can last a night without me." _She said trying to laugh a little, but her dark, plucked eyebrows were drawn in pity for her. "_Is the medication kicking in?" _She asked carefully.

JJ sighed and considered this. The tablets Emily had thrust upon her about forty minutes ago did seem to be helping her stomach, but the real type of pain she wanted to get rid of was beyond the fix of any tablets. She longed to feel numb again. This constant urge to cry was getting old, and she thought it'd make her seem ungrateful for Emily coming over. No, she had to stay held together, so she didn't bother to lie, knowing it would be too obvious.

"_Is Hotch still here?" _She asked hoarsely, attempted to shift her building up tears with a clear of her throat, realising that she hadn't heard the front door close.

"_Yeah." _Prentiss murmured, still looking worried and slowly stroking JJ's arm. JJ didn't feel as uncomfortable with the touch, but she couldn't tell whether it was because it wasn't skin on skin, but through the blanket instead. Though it still felt unnatural to her, she clenched her teeth as her mind wandered off whilst Emily carried on talking.

"_When you were still in the bathroom, I spoke to him, he explained what happened and said he'd wait here for a while just in case." _Emily said, lowering her voice slightly, as if she didn't want to be caught talking about Hotch with him within earshot. Her deep wide eyes were locked onto JJ's tired, stinging ones as she tried to figure her out. JJ nodded at the reply.

"_You look exhausted. At least you changed right? That's good." _Emily spoke a bit louder now, trying to root JJ back into a more casual conversation, sensing she didn't want to be pressed further on the events of this evening. But she saw her blue eyes drop and stare obliviously at the carpet, lost in her own mind.

"_Okay, I'm just going to go and talk to him again. Let him know you're okay." _Emily said, unwrapping her arm from around JJ's and standing up. "_Why don't you get some rest? I'll be back in a minute." _She said trying to sound casual but knowing JJ could probably see her anxiety for her. Walking out of the bedroom, she straightened her black work trousers out from sitting down for a while, before noticing Hotch's jet black hair stick up from the back of the cream sofa. She went over, and placed herself next to him. His eyes immediately leaving the empty television screen and searching Emily's for answers.

"_How is she?" _He asked, leaning forward in his usual way that he did when worried. His fingers locked together as he cupped his hands.

"_Better. I think the painkillers are starting to work." _She said motioning vaguely with her hand to JJ's room. Hotch said nothing but continued not breaking his gaze with her.

"_I think we should take her back to the hospital, just to make sure everything's okay." _Hotch voiced, sensing that his nervousness was apparent as he spoke.

"_She can't go back there Hotch, she needs her home now. She was there for a long time, they made sure everything was okay, they cleared her. She just needs to take it easy." _Prentiss sighed, knowing it would be fruitless to try and even get JJ in the car and back to that place. "_I'm going to stay here tonight obviously, but you should get home to Jack." _She said kindly, noticing the weariness in his eyes.

"_Jessica has him tonight. He had soccer club after school so she took him and watched him for me." _Hotch said looking at his feet. Part of him knew he should leave JJ with Prentiss; she was, after all, in safe hands. But the other part of him just couldn't bear to leave her whilst she was in so much pain. He felt though, that she'd probably feel more comfortable with her than him. Prentiss could help her shower and get changed, whereas he couldn't, so he stood up, picking up his jacket off the back of the couch and faced Prentiss again.

"_Sure there's nothing else I can do? You don't have an overnight bag or anything." _He said looking around.

"_Don't worry; Garcia's dropping me over some stuff in a while". _Prentiss said. "_I'll take good care of her." _She added noticing the worry in his face.

"_I know." _He said gratefully and composing himself to his slightly cooler, work-like demeanour again, suddenly aware that he was letting his guard down just a little. Prentiss noticed this and walked him to the door before waving goodbye whilst he got back in the SUV and drove away.

As Hotch pulled out from where he was parked, he felt his mind race with a whole new group of feelings in it, that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

* * *

><p>"<em>JJ, I-oohh" <em>Emily's sentence was cut short as she walked back into JJ's room and saw her curled up on the bed asleep. Her lightly bruised face was the only thing on show as the blanket was wrapped around every other part of her body. Not wanting to disturb her, Emily silently crept out of the bedroom, pulling the white wood closed behind her slowly.

She went to sit back down on the same couch her and Hotch had been on moments ago, and glancing at the clock above the TV, she calculated Garcia would be over soon enough, hopefully with some clothes for the next day and a toothbrush. She wasn't quite sure how long she'd be staying for. It pained her so much to see JJ this way.

When she'd first met JJ she'd seen this incredibly smart, strong woman who walked around the offices confidently, keeping the team functioning, consoling with families on cases with unwavering faith...now all of that was gone. The JJ she'd seen tonight was fractured and torn apart, though she was still glad that she'd gotten to see her. It felt like years since they'd visited her in hospital, her mind too raw to realise what had happened. Reid had told the team that Hotch had been the only one she'd let in, not that she had much chance when it came to him. It had been nearly two weeks now since that night. And she wondered how much longer, as selfish as it was, it would be until her best friend was back again. Would she ever be?

She didn't even bother to turn on the television, instead casting the remote that was on the arm of the couch to the coffee table and taking off her shoes, sitting back with one foot curled under her body. It had been a long day at the bureau. The team were all working twice as hard without JJ which was a struggle with the amount of new cases flying in. Derek had offered to help Hotch sift through all of them as they came across, making joint-decisions on which ones were of the most priority. Rossi had been the one that was there for everyone to talk to, though they all had the same worries on their mind that no one could seem to fix. And that was JJ. Hotch was still being given post trauma assessments from Strauss, though he hadn't told anyone, they'd all figured it out. He still had another medical check up to pass before he was allowed back into the field again. Reid, Rossi and Morgan had all jetted off just today to do a custodial interview with a recently caught serial killer in Florida, leaving her, Garcia and Hotch, obviously, behind. Which meant the paperwork for the next few days would be hell. It was safe to say they all fell apart without her to keep them ticking over.

She tried to imagine what it would be like for her if this had happened. She couldn't even fathom what she would be like if she was the centre in all of this. Though she'd always been an only child and never known the bond siblings could have, she'd figured JJ had coped quite well with the suicide of her sister. Half of her put it down to being young, and learning to adapt and move on quicker than adults, but she couldn't help but think maybe, after all this time it may have affected her day to day, she just hadn't let the rest of the unit ever know it. Emily knew that JJ probably still had a million questions to ask, and that when she was ready, she'd want to know more details. Thinking your sister wanted to end her life and knowing it had been taken from her were two completely different things.

Emily's thoughts were snapped by someone lightly knocking the door. She walked over to it, swinging it open to see Garcia's heavily made up face beaming back at her.

"_Penelope, boy am I glad to see you...again." _She added smiling.

"_Yes gosh, what's it been? An hour and a half or so?" _Garcia replied, stepping in as Emily stood back to let her through. She saw Garcia was carrying Emily's go-bag that she kept at the bureau just in case they were to ever be needed somewhere ASAP. Garcia handed her the black bag and looked around.

"_Where is she?" _She asked, obviously desperate to see her.

"_She's asleep. I said goodbye to Hotch, came back in, and bamn just like that. She must have been knackered." _Emily explained, keeping her voice quieter than usual so as not to wake JJ and leading Garcia back to the lounge area. When she'd rung her to ask the favour, she'd briefed her on what had happened and why she was here. Garcia sat on the couch whilst Emily took a matching cream armchair that was slightly to the side of it.

Garcia sighed deeply and glanced around. "_God it feels like ages." _She said sadly.

"_I know. Well she only just let Hotch in yesterday. I guess you got lucky that you came so quickly earlier on in the week." _Emily said, sinking back into the chair, feeling a little uneasy being in JJ's house without her present. She hoped she wouldn't wake up and panic that Garcia was here too. She did need her rest after all, but Emily knew how much she wanted to see JJ.

"_How is she?" _Garcia asked after a moment's silence.

"_Better, really, although it's a minute difference. Her bruising and swelling's gone down. Hotch said she'd eaten last night, started taking her tablets again..." _Emily trailed off realising that despite all these improvements, the thing that destroyed her in the first place hadn't changed. What kind of closure was she supposed to get to move on? It all seemed pointless.

"_That's good." _She replied to Emily nodding a fraction and pressing her deep crimson lips together. "_Is there anything I can do to help? How long are you going to be staying here?" _Garcia asked again, wanting to feel helpful in all of this. She pulled a strand of her crimped platinum hair behind her ear, and pushed her black heavy rimmed glasses up her nose further.

"_I'm not sure how long I'll be here yet, we'll see. And I was just going to heat up one of those many meals in the fridge. I could use a little company if you don't mind helping me? We have to be really quiet though I don't want to wake her up." _Emily said, truly happier now that her other best friend had come along. It was hard to be sad for long around Garcia, despite the situation. Her energy was so uplifting, and Emily needed the distraction for a while.

"_Of course, she won't even know I'm here." _Garcia responded, lowering her voice even more.

Both of the girls got up and wandered into the kitchen area, creeping around as quietly as they could with the occasional clink of dishes on worktops startling them as they would attempt to muffle it again. They both agreed on the chicken and rice dish Rossi had made. Emily fiddled around with the oven for a while before figuring out how it worked, and putting the Pyrex in.

"_There's masses here. Do you want some? I know I was just making it to see if JJ would want some originally but Dave was sure generous." _Emily said laughing half heartedly and getting out some forks and oven mitts from a nearby drawer.

"_I feel weird being here without JJ knowing or joining us." _Garcia said wrinkling her nose up a tiny bit as she remembered why they were both here again.

"_I know. Don't worry about it, she won't mind." _Emily reassured her, but still felt a twinge of guilt.

"_In that case, it smells lovely, I'll try a little." _She said back, her deep coloured lips stretching into a small smile.

They talked for a while and Emily got some glasses out, pouring some water from a filter jug she found in the fridge near the rest of the ready-made dishes. She handed her friend one, made one for herself and then another to offer JJ. Eventually, Garcia looked at the oven clock and reminded Emily that the food would be done.

"_Okay, let me get it out. Can you move the plates a bit closer so I can scoop some on? I don't wanna make a mess." _She said pulling on the heat-proof mitts and opening the oven door, the hot air blowing onto her face immediately and making her eyes sting. She reached in and grabbed the dish, not realising how hot it was even through her gloves.

"_Owch!" _She yelped slightly and dropped the dish onto the nearest worktop, not anticipating how loud it would sound in the otherwise silent apartment. She and Garcia both froze for a moment, making sure not to wake JJ up.

* * *

><p>JJ's body jolted with the sound coming from her kitchen. Though panicked at first, she remembered Emily was here, and breathed a sigh of relief. She rolled over feeling too crowded in her cocoon-like blanket and cried out quietly when she acknowledged the sharp pain in her stomach from stretching. Groggily walking out of her room, knowing she'd have to be polite but not really wanting to see anyone right now, she was surprised to see Garcia standing by Emily's side.<p>

"_Oh JJ hey, sorry we didn't mean to wake you!" _Garcia said apologetically, but deep down was thrilled that she'd actually get to see her before she had to leave. Emily next to her, looked just as sincere.

"_I didn't realise how hot it was. We tried to be really quiet." _She explained.

"_It's fine guys really. I was barely napping anyway." _JJ lied rubbing her face. She couldn't even remember her eyes closing when Emily had left her in the bedroom, being in a deep sleep was the only kind of relief she got from anything these days, and even then sometimes not. Not wanting to be rude, she looked at Garcia. "_It's really good to see you." _she added, and it was true. That face had always made everything a bit better on even the darkest of days in the BAU.

"_You too honeymuffin!" _Garcia said with detectable tears in her eyes, she thought about going to hug JJ but saw that she didn't really look like she wanted one right now, so stayed put, fighting the urge to greet her affectionately.

"_I just heated up some food whilst Pen came to drop over my go-bag." _Emily spoke as JJ approached the kitchen bar and sat down at a stool. The sight of the food made her stomach lurch at the thought of eating it, but she knew it was for the best that she did, and she couldn't hurt anyone else's feelings anymore.

"_Where's Hotch?" _JJ asked, looking over the room and realising he wasn't there.

"_He headed home. I'm staying for a while." _Emily started before holding her hand up to JJ. "_No arguments." _

JJ, once again shrunk back under orders from her friends. She felt like her whole life was out of her control recently, people telling her what to do, what not to do. Though she appreciated the company, and admittedly did feel safer knowing there was people around her, she pined for solitude. Even whilst alone though, the ringing of her phone, the knocking of her door, it was all too much. She needed time, and she was learning to accept that now.

"_Are you hungry?" _Garcia asked shovelling a heaped spoon of the food onto a plate before handing it to JJ. She grasped it between her frail fingers and lowered it in front of her, the smell making her nauseous but hungry at the same time. She decided to give it a shot. Emily offered her a fork.

"_Thanks." _JJ whispered her voice still wavering with sleepiness. As she put the forkful of rice into her salivating mouth, she immediately wanted more; she munched through the meal exactly like the night before with Hotch. Garcia was sitting down next to her, but as there were only two stools, Emily stood quite happily, with her back to the worktop and her own plate in her hands. They both looked shocked when JJ asked for more.

"_Yeah, yes of course!"_ Emily said putting her plate down straight away and giving JJ what was left in the dish. There'd been more than enough for all of them thankfully, and Emily had to give it to Rossi, he knew how to cook. She looked at JJ as she ate her way through her seconds and was glad that she seemed to be eating now. That was another thing Hotch had told her, to make sure she did as she hadn't for the last week. It was as if the slight colour that filled her cheeks now was mainly down to the food and Emily and Garcia could tell it was doing her good.

JJ looked down embarrassingly at her plate and then back up into her friends' faces. She felt both eyes on her, watching her. She wanted to crawl back into her bed and become lost in sleep again.

"_What time is it?" _JJ asked, her body clock was so messed up at the moment, she was oblivious to which month it even was.

"_Half nine. Are you still tired?" _Emily asked in a nurturing way.

JJ shook her head. She couldn't sleep now anyway. She'd learnt that she could only fall asleep when she didn't try, when it came to her. There was no point waiting around for it.

"_What do you want to do? Watch some TV or something?" _Garcia asked placing a hand on the JJ's back between her shoulder blades. JJ flinched then looked at Garcia apologetically.

"_Sorry." _She murmured. Garcia just smiled lightly back at her and drew away her hand.

"_I get it. Too soon." _She said understandingly.

JJ thought for a minute. She knew the TV would be wasted on her. It wouldn't be absorbing enough to lure her out of her own thoughts. Whilst the girls were here she realised that she hadn't actually spoken to them in ages, or so it felt. Deciding conversation was the best route for distraction, she looked back up at them.

"_Can we just talk?" _She asked quietly.

Emily and Garcia looked at each other for a moment.

"_Sure." _Emily spoke.

Garcia checked her chunky wrist watch for the time. "_I can stay for a while." _She said sweetly.

Prentiss started clearing away the plates and running a sink full of hot water to wash up as they talked. JJ told her not to, but of course she insisted. She hated the way she was made to feel like a baby that needed watching and protecting all the time.

"_So, how's it going at work?" _JJ asked, remembering this was more or less the first time she'd taken an interest in things outside of her mind. Surely this was a positive sign? She clung onto it.

"_It's all good." _Emily said scrubbing the first plate with extra care. It felt therapeutic to her to be doing something productive.

"_We all miss you though. __**And **__notice a difference. Trust me you're greatly appreciated even more now." _Garcia added onto Emily's vague statement with a slightly chiding look from Emily who obviously didn't want to pressure JJ.

"_Not that we didn't appreciate you before!" _She rambled, trying to fix her apparent wrong-doing. "_And we're doing okay without you, not that we don't need you because we do, we're just coping as well as we can, since-oh god." _Garcia was thankfully saved by a small laugh from JJ. Both her and Emily looked at her in astonishment. Even JJ was surprised by how genuine it sounded. She wasn't even sure if it was her that made that noise. It seemed so foreign and unlike anything that could come out of her mouth. JJ suddenly felt self conscious and guilty for being the tiniest bit happy in that fleeting moment.

Emily laughed lightly too and Garcia smiled.

"_We just want you to get better." _Emily said turning away from the sink to look fully at JJ, whilst she scrubbed her second plate in the suds.

"_I know. I'm sorry, I'm trying." _JJ said looking down at her hands in her lap. She bit on the inside of her cheek.

"_You're doing okay you know Jayje." _Garcia said, her hand hovering over JJ's and then recoiling a little as she remembered the silent no touching rule at the moment.

"_It doesn't feel like it." _JJ said so imperceptibly, she wasn't sure if the others could hear it.

Emily stopped rinsing the dishes, drying her hands off and leaning against the breakfast bar next to JJ. "_Hey look at me." _She whispered and JJ's eyes were pulled up.

"_You are doing the best you can with what's happened to you. __**None**__ of this is your fault. This is all on him. You're stronger than he is." _Emily said so quietly but so powerful, that for a tiny moment, JJ started to believe she was right.

**A/N: Okay so not much happened in this chapter, I found it a little boring to write too, but I feel like every moment like these, are pivotal in JJ's slow but sure recovery process ;) This is going to hopefully be an epic long story so I have to try and space it out! Got so much planned.**


	16. The One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**2 days later:**

Prentiss and JJ both sat curled up on the sofa, watching an old episode of Sex and the City which Prentiss had put on. JJ pulled the blanket up around them both, spreading it out between them. They'd had the same routine last night, the television a mutual object between them. Whilst Prentiss was, as assumed by JJ, absorbed into the shows, JJ could let herself sink back into her mind uninterrupted. Not having to lie through her teeth in a conversation. Emily had got home earlier this afternoon than normal, and JJ appreciated the company deep down, she just never voiced it.

"_They all send their love from work." _Emily suddenly said, looking away from the bright screen in the dark room, and into JJ's eyes. She hated to break the silence but wanted to start talking to her. Emily turned down the television a little with a slight flick of her finger on the remote, not wanting to make it too obvious to JJ that she was ready to have a proper conversation with her. She shuffled a little in her spot, keeping eye contact. "_JJ, I think we should talk. Maybe letting it out to me would help? What you went through out there, I can't even begin to imagine, that amount of pain." _

JJ felt the return of the dreaded lump in her throat and the sting in the back of her eyes, suddenly hating the way this seemed to be going. She wanted to forget, but she knew Emily would dredge this back up in an attempt to help her. She didn't know if she was ready to face the full truth yet. JJ looked down in the dark room at her hands, not wanting Emily to see her face as she felt the familiar wetness of a tear taint it.

She pressed her lips together to stop sounds from escaping.

"_Please Em..." _JJ begged. Not now, not now.

"_JJ." _she said, her own voice quivering slightly as she saw the escaped tears roll down JJ's face. JJ continued to stare down. "_Talk to me please." _She pleaded, desperate for her to pass the pain onto her if only she could. "_You've been like a zombie for the last two days, it just, I...it breaks my heart."_

JJ stared down at her hands still, pressing down now so hard on her lips she felt like they might bleed. She felt them tremble still. They'd gone two days without much in the way of conversation. Emily had passed in and out for work whilst JJ slept, or so she thought. The reality was JJ had been frozen awake for the last two nights, unable to trust her unconscious mind and the horrors it may bring to her as she slept. Not that being awake was much better. Emily had slept on the couch and stopped by her place yesterday to pick up more stuff before coming back.

When Emily had cooked some pasta with a ready-made sauce, JJ had nibbled to be polite but suddenly didn't feel her appetite again. She thought the initial return of it was good, but it didn't last. Maybe she was just having an off day again as her thoughts got worse when she was alone. She still forced herself to eat for Emily's sake.

Emily's eyes widened in sadness as she continued to stare at her unresponsive friend. She'd been so desperate to say something the last two days, to report back to the team any progress or permission to visit. Garcia was losing it at work, unable to focus, Hotch never left his office anymore. Even Strauss went into him rather than him to her, sensing he was overloaded with work and stress. Luckily the rest of them were still out on the case which seemed to take longer than expected since they'd found out there could be multiple suspects in a murder investigation. Hotch had told them to stay longer to help, so they had, which meant less people to concentrate on JJ. All she wanted was to help her friend, and if she couldn't even do that then who would be able to?

"_You have to let me in JJ, I can't see you like this."_

"_What is there to talk about Emily?" _JJ's face snapped up with sudden anger filling her body, all her bottled up emotions fizzing to the brim. "_That...man, murdered my sister! And the worst part is I spent my entire life blaming her." _She shook her head, her cries now becoming louder as she loosened the attempt to keep them in. It was like a volcanic eruption inside her mind, laid dormant for so long.

Emily leaned closer to JJ, mirroring her body language subconsciously, something she did with distressed families to make them feel more comfortable. It was a natural habit for a profiler. She saw a box of tissues by the side of the couch and grabbed one, offering it to JJ, who limply took it between her fingers, not even bothering to dab at her face. She was surprised at how quickly she'd got into this conversation, wondering all night how to approach it. Emily dared not to speak more; she wanted JJ to let it all out without interruption.

"_I blamed her" _She started again, between sobs. "_For abandoning us like that! How could she? And she was so __**young**__." _The tears came pouring down. All Prentiss wanted to do was hold her in her arms and tell her everything would be okay, but she could do neither of those things, so she stared intently and caringly at her friend instead, glad that she finally had some other emotion in here than the emptiness she'd seen the last forty eight hours.

"_I thought she was so selfish. We all had problems, but I was so angry at her for such a long time after she died for being so weak. What she did to our mom...Our family just wasn't the same." _ JJ didn't even care that she'd become completely undone in front of Emily. The words fell out of her mouth easily without restriction. So long she'd kept all of this in, and now the sentences tumbled out as if by their own accord. It felt right talking to her, at the same time as going against what was natural for JJ, and that was pretending she was okay when she wasn't. Keeping a brave face.

"_And now I know her life was ended short, because of __**me**__." _She said the last word with such utter hatred that Emily couldn't help but flinch at the rage that came with it in JJ's voice. Her own eyes pricked with water.

JJ started to rip apart the tissue in her hands, tearing it into small pieces. "_And all those other children. They didn't have to die Emily! No one did!" _She gazed up, her big blue eyes sodden, her nose stuffy and red. The pain that glazed across the cobalt tore Emily's heart. "_Why would he do this?" _She asked sounding so broken and childish in disbelief and anger. "_How am I supposed to live with myself, knowing that little girls are dead because of me? Taken away from the people they loved because of me?" _JJ asked questioningly to Emily, spitting with fury, the swollen tears still freely dropping. She moved one hand onto the sofa by her side, trying to steady herself as she felt the room turning.

Emily's mind reeled as she realised JJ actually wanted an answer, or reassurance of some sort. This was like nothing she'd ever experienced before and she was unsure what to say to help her. She just wanted to make everything better but she knew she couldn't, so she spoke what came into her heart.

"_This isn't because of you JJ." _Emily said softly, a small tear leaking from the corner of her own eye. "_He made those choices in life. You were just tangled in his web of fantasies." _She felt these words were pointless, they wouldn't sink in. How were they supposed to? A few letters strung together, how was that meant to help against the amount of heart-wrenching pain that JJ had within and around her? She carried on talking nonetheless, desperate to make her see that this wasn't her fault.

"_What happened to your sister, was awful. The fact you mourned her death as suicide is completely different to her being...murdered." _She cringed at the use of the M word. It felt so wrong to be talking about someone so personal with BAU terminology. It made it harder to distance herself. "_And those children that were killed by __**him**__" _She continued, emphasising the fact that it was his decisions not JJ's. "_Were exactly that. You could not help the fact that this man's psychosis led to you. That's his mind and his actions." _She wiped away her own tear, watching JJ turn her gaze to the carpeted floor, unsure as to whether she was listening anymore, but hoping she was.

"_It will take time, but you __**have**__ to accept that someday. Otherwise you are just going to go around and around, trapped in your own mind." _She said with empathy, trying to catch JJ's gaze and make her notice what she was saying. "_Trust me. Because if you start blaming yourself for every single one of those deaths and consequences of that man's choices, you are never ever going to come back from it." _As Emily said this, JJ felt a sudden warm drop onto her hand and realised Emily's tear had splashed onto it. Her fingers were between Emily and her, clutching onto the edge of the blanket. She lifted her head up to see her best friend's tears now matching her own and felt her gut wrench with guilt.

"_Please try JJ. It's not going to be an easy journey, but you have to just try. You can't give up." _Emily said so tenderly, JJ couldn't help but listen carefully.

JJ lifted the torn up pieces of tissue in her right hand up to her face and gently wiped away the tears, removing her left hand from between them both and smoothing her hair off her cheeks.

"_I don't know if I can do that. I don't know how I'm supposed to." _She whimpered, feeling the jolt of emotions still racing around her veins. She felt more alive than she had done for a while even with these negative emotions replacing the numbness.

Another tear spilled down Emily's cheek, her own emotions in overdrive. She hadn't prepared herself for a reaction from JJ, let alone this. It was good that she was talking but Emily could think of nothing else to say that would console her in any way whatsoever.

"_It's late." _Emily said as her eyes touched upon the clock. "_You need to rest." _

"_Hmm." _JJ sighed, dragging herself up off the couch. All she wanted to do was be alone in her bedroom so she could cry freely. She felt cramped here.

As Emily thrust some pills upon her before leaving telling her she needed to take them before bed, JJ couldn't help but go over the words she'd said to her. By the time she'd collapsed into her own bed, not bothering to pull up the duvet feeling too restricted for movement, she'd played them over ten times.

Her eyes adjusted to the darkness as she wiped away a fresh batch of tears on her cheek. And for the first time in a while, she let herself think about her sister.

The image of the girl filled her mind, at first seeming alien, then coming into clearer focus with little trademarks individual to her. The freckles scattered across her nose, the heart shaped lips that matched JJ's in colour, her favourite blue dress she always wore that their mom constantly said matched JJ's eyes. Her sister had squealed with delight at this before telling JJ she needed to buy one of her own that was a shade darker to match hers. This scene replayed over and over in her mind for what felt like hours until JJ sat bolt upright in bed, unable to take it anymore and feeling ashamed for letting it into her mind in the first place. Now she'd never be able to get it out.

Deep down, JJ knew that this wasn't her fault. She'd been trained to get into the mind of killers, this was her job. She worked with them every day; if she ever let it get to her she'd never make it out of her office. But this time, she wasn't getting into his mind; she was already in it, planted there. Subconsciously, she'd already realised that none of this was her doing. Those dead children, her sister killed, Hotch hurt. But she just couldn't shake the fact that it was still **because **of her that everyone had suffered, even though she couldn't help it.

She knew that one day, far off into the future, that she'd have to learn to accept everything this man had done. She'd had so much time to think it over in the hospital, and here but she still couldn't bring herself to face it head on and realise that she couldn't live her life this way in all this guilt. JJ knew what guilt could do to a person. She'd seen it so many times in families.

As she lay back down, rubbing her face roughly with her hands, she brought herself to think of his face, picturing it clearly, trying to hold back her fear of it long enough to get through this thought. She saw him behind bars, locked away from the light of the sun for life, and for a very split second, she sought solace in this.

* * *

><p>Emily was sat down at one of the stools, dressed ready for work in the same black trousers as last night, but this time with a red polo neck sweater and a black blazer over the top. Her face complete with makeup: a coating of mascara on her already-long eyelashes, a sweeping of pink blush over her cheeks and some nude lipstick. They could never go too over the top working at the FBI which was why they kept it plain, and her hair was kept out of her face in a neat, simple ponytail. She glanced up from a case file in front of her, a mug in one hand raised halfway to her lips. As soon as she saw JJ approaching her, she instantly put down her drink and snapped shut the folder, lying an arm over it inconspicuously. Though these actions didn't go amiss to JJ.<p>

"_New case?" _She asked the brunette with little interest, only trying to be polite. The last thing she even thought like doing was looking at pictures of mangled corpses or close-ups of a stab wound. Even a burnt-down house was not what she could face right now.

"_Oh, it's nothing." _She said quickly gathering it up in her arms and standing, tipping the rest of the coffee in her mug down the sink. JJ rubbed her eyes desperate to wake up.

"_I'm sorry you had to sleep on the couch, I could have." _JJ said, starting up a new conversation, surprising herself at how steady her voice sounded, she thought seeing Emily again would have made her cry but she kept herself grounded.

"_Honestly Jayje, it's not a problem. I slept fine." _Emily responded standing by the counter. "_Do you want some coffee?" _She asked as her hands hovered over the machine.

JJ thought. She hadn't had anything apart from water in so long. She'd barely even eaten, but it smelt good to her right now, and that surprised her. Was it wrong of her to want some? Was this happening too quickly?

"_Decaf of course with the whole painkillers thing." _Emily added onto the end, sensing her decision making.

"_Urm...sure." _JJ replied with uncertainty. With these words Emily started clicking the buttons and grabbed a teaspoon out of the drawer, along with a fresh mug from the cupboard above her head.

"_How did you sleep?" _She asked JJ, eyeing her intently, clearly waiting to catch her out in a lie.

"_Actually, surprisingly well." _ And this wasn't a lie; she'd certainly slept a little better last night than the nights before. She couldn't even remember stirring in pain like she usually did if she'd managed to sleep. Maybe the tablets were helping a bit.

Emily seemed satisfied that she was telling the truth and smiled sweetly.

"_Good, I'm glad." _

"_You could have used my shower." _JJ said feeling bad for not offering last night, uselessness heavy on her shoulders.

"_It's fine, I have to get going in a few minutes anyway." _Emily shrugged, handing her the warm coffee. "_Careful, it's hot." _She warned.

JJ took it into her shaking hands. She couldn't fathom why she seemed so nervous for something so supposedly normal. Perhaps it was because it signified change and she wasn't ready to make the first move yet. She tried to clear her head. As she raised the porcelain to her lips and felt the warm steam touch her face, she felt her eyes water at the missed familiarity of it all. Biting her tongue to prevent the tears, she tipped some of the beverage into her mouth, immediately appreciating the taste. She drank more, despite how hot it was.

Emily watched her carefully, amazed by how much better she looked this morning from last night already. It put something in her mind to rest.

"_So listen." _She started, as JJ walked over to the stool Emily was in and sat down in it. Emily lingered by her side speaking clearly. "_I'll be back earlier today. I'm just going over some paperwork, filling out reports from the last case. I should get here at around five-ish okay?" _Emily said as if she was asking, but JJ knew she didn't really have a choice even if she wanted to object. She still sighed and opened her mouth to, before Emily wagged a finger at her.

"_Nope." _She said lightly. "_Don't even try." _

"_But you can't just keep sleeping on the couch! What about Sergio? What about your things?" _JJ asked helplessly, half of her just wanting to get rid of her and be alone to figure out her thoughts again.

Emily seemed impressed that JJ, though still clearly ill and distraught still, looked like she had a little more zest in her today. This had to be a step in the right direction. The talking must have helped her surely?

"_Okay first off, I like that couch, it's actually really comfortable. Secondly, Garcia is catsitting, she loves it. And third, what else do I need? Got my badge, got my gun, got my toothbrush. Got __**your**__ make up, by the way." _She winked at the end obviously revelling in JJ's turn of moods from last night's events and desperate to keep the situation light and JJ's sprits lifted.

"_Least I can do." _JJ replied, attempting to offer her a smile though it was a struggle still.

"_Alright, don't try and have a shower. You can do that when I get back. I made up a sandwich for you in the fridge, and there's a new jug of that filtered water in there too. Make sure you drink a lot. And don't forget your medicine!" _Emily rambled wildly as more things popped into her head. She felt like she should have been talking to her kids.

JJ sensed the hurry Emily seemed to be in as she suddenly saw her glance frantically at the clock. "_Okay Okay. Go." _She announced.

"_Will you be okay until then?" _Emily said, suddenly serious. She played with the idea of asking for the day off. She knew Hotch would understand, even if Strauss was opposed to it. She picked her nails a little in mild thought. JJ could just be putting on act to get her to leave. For a moment, she actually wondered what JJ might do to herself whilst she was gone but then banished that thought out of her mind realising how stupid it was that she was even thinking that of her best friend.

"_Of course." _JJ responded, not wanting to tell her that after some thought she realised that she actually preferred not to be alone right now, scared she'd slip back into the pit. She was split in half about whether being alone was good for her or not.

She did actually feel better waking up this morning and she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the fact that she'd slept okay for a change, or maybe letting it all out to Emily last night had emptied her of some built up emotions. JJ couldn't place it.

Maybe things were changing.

Then again maybe not.

* * *

><p>The day ticked by sluggishly to JJ. When Emily had left, she'd gone back into her room and decided that she would attempt to get changed again, despite Emily probably being dead against this. As she gingerly lifted her top up over head and onto the floor, she caught a glimpse of the deep red mark in her peripheral vision, which was suddenly being filled up with a blurry mix of tears. She didn't want to look at it full on, if she did, she'd be crying for the rest of the day, and she couldn't let Emily see her like that again. She'd fallen apart once, she couldn't bear to cause her more pain. Seeing her tears were too much for her. So as she went over to her closet and yanked out another shirt at random, pulling it over her hair, she stared straight ahead at the opposite wall trying to keep it together.<p>

By the time she'd finished dressing as carefully as she could, not wanting a repeat of the pain she'd experienced recently, she went into the bathroom, catching her face in the mirror, realising she didn't cringe quite so much as she looked at it now. The bruises were basically gone; her skin just looked overall slightly pallid. She couldn't believe how much her face had changed in the last month. It'd gone from normal to swollen, bruised and battered and back to near normal again, though she did notice the small scratch still there under her left eye. She wondered if it'd ever go away. Seeing a tube of concealer on the counter, she squeezed a pea size drop and dabbed it over the cut, trying to blend it out of her sight, and out of mind.

For the next few hours she sat and watched reruns of old programmes, and a daytime talk show that came on in the afternoon. They felt unfamiliar to her; she'd never be in this time of day usually. In the last couple of weeks she'd watched more television than she'd seen in her entire life.

Remembering the sandwich Emily had made for her in the fridge, and not wanting to be rude, went into the kitchen and unwrapped the Clingfilm off the cool plate. The smell from inside told her it was tuna and she felt instantly nauseated again. She'd guessed Emily had seen a tin of it in the cupboard and decided that was safe. As she munched through the sandwich practically force feeding herself and feeling full already after it, she felt a pang of sadness, that her life had come down to being made lunch again like she was in kindergarten.

She rinsed the plate under the cold water tap and put it aside lazily. She didn't have the energy to try and tidy away which was so unlike her. She leaned against the countertop where Emily had been this morning, and pushed the heel of her hand against her eyes, trying to force the seemingly random tears back in. Just then, there was a loud knock at her door. JJ's mind raced, Emily hadn't mentioned anyone coming over. Her hands immediately trembled as her heart rate picked up. She tiptoed over to the door not wanting to make any noise and give herself away, peering through the peephole. On the other side she saw a tall man, and not recognising his face, instantly panicked. She remembered her gun in the bookshelf and raced over, grabbing it with her shaking fingers and keep it by her side, the only thing that came naturally to her right now.

She dared another look at him, her heart sinking into her stomach when she realised now that he was just a postman. Once she looked more closely she saw the navy sweater he wore with the company's name embroidered into it and the red bag slung around his shoulder. He waited another moment before writing up a missed delivery slip and sliding it into the letterbox, moved on, oblivious to the situation.

JJ heard herself gasp as the adrenaline still pumped around her body. She slumped to the floor, not bearing to let go of the gun just yet. How could she have been so stupid? It seemed so ridiculous to her the way she was feeling.

After a while passed and her body got too sore sitting on the hard floor, she moved to the couch, putting the gun back behind the bookshelf, not wanting Emily to see it and worry. She let the tears come down again now. All that tiny progress she felt she may have made, dripped away as she realised she'd let herself back into her mind again, and out of touch with reality.

* * *

><p>"<em>It's me, Emily." <em>Her voice rung through the apartment as JJ got up off the couch in a sleepy daze to let her in.

"_Hey." _Emily breathed when she saw her. She felt a relief at just seeing her face, something she couldn't explain.

JJ didn't respond but stepped aside to let her in.

"_How was work?" _She asked lifelessly, going to sit back onto the couch.

"_Boring. How has your day been?" _Emily responded back, trying her best to smile at her friend but sensing that the pain was back. She straight away knew she shouldn't have left her alone. She seemed to be doing a little better each time she was with someone. Whenever she was isolated for a while she slipped back into the comatose state. Emily felt awful for leaving her.

"_Fine." _

Emily put down her bag by the door and took her coat off, hanging it on some hooks near the door. The air outside was chilly; it looked like it may snow sometime soon. Her hair was as cool as ice as she reached a hand up to flatten it out. However JJ's apartment was toasty, she'd made sure to turn up the heating before she left this morning so JJ wouldn't get cold.

"_Tea?" _Emily asked as she made her way over to the kettle, she usually only stuck to coffee in the mornings to help her wake up, she found tea more comforting for the evenings.

"_No thanks." _JJ replied, staring at the empty TV screen.

As Emily walked into the kitchen area she saw the badly rinsed plate on the side, and a glass out.

"_Did you eat the sandwich?" _Emily asked trying not to sound patronising but wanting to make sure she'd eaten something today.

"_Yeah." _

Emily could tell that last night had obviously drained her. She thought she'd seemed better this morning. But now she'd had time to stew in her own mind again things seemed to be turning. She was in for a night of little conversation.

"_Have you taken your tablets? Twice right?" _She dared to question further, needing to know.

"_Yes." _JJ said quietly.

Emily filled the kettle up with water and grabbed a mug down from the cupboard, and the sugar from the worktop. As she made her tea, she thought carefully about what to say next. She didn't want to upset JJ, but at the same time it'd been nearly three weeks she'd been like this, and she couldn't face seeing her like this anymore. She thought about her conversation with Morgan before they'd flown off. He'd told her that maybe it was best she saw a professional about all of this, perhaps to offer it to her? Emily had considered this, but apparently Hotch had already beaten her to it when she'd spoken to him afterwards. JJ, as predicted wouldn't have any of it. But that was a few days ago, maybe she should plant the seed again. It seemed beyond any of their help now. How much longer could they leave her like this after all?

Emily went and sat in the armchair near the couch, not wanting to invade her personal space when she seemed to be in a rough mood already.

"_It looks like it could snow soon. Oh the joy." _Emily spoke, her voice sounding loud and echoey in the rooms.

JJ said nothing. Emily noticed that the curtains had been drawn again. She'd opened them this morning trying to let some natural light in.

"_You know hon, Reid has been calling me nonstop. He really wants to see you." _She carried on quietly, placing her tea on her lap and wrapping her palms around the hot mug trying to warm them up from outside.

JJ glanced up at her on the mention of Reid's name. "_I can't...see him." _She uttered looking a mixture of panicked and annoyed.

"_Jayje, what's wrong? This morning you seemed a little better, last night you ate, and the night before. You managed when Penelope was here right?" _Emily asked suddenly not filtering her thoughts before they were transcribed to words.

"_I'm not going to miraculously wake up feeling better." _JJ's harsh tone caught Emily off guard but she understood, she'd pushed her a little bit too far. She decided to continue.

"_I know, I know. I just thought you were getting your appetite back a bit, I thought maybe you were ready to talk a bit more again?" _

JJ chewed the inside of her cheek hard, glancing away from Emily at the floor again.

"_I know Hotch has already said this but I really think it's time to see a therapist JJ. This is not something you can move forward from on your own, you know." _Emily felt the words come out of her mouth without her planning them. They hung in the air, JJ obviously thinking her response to them.

"_Who can help me?" _she asked incredulously.

"_We're all trying JJ but I think you're not going to get out of this state without seeing someone." _Emily pushed further again, realising she sounded too blunt but needing to say it.

"_Emily I'm not asking for any of your help! You all bombard you way into my life, I can do this on my own!" _JJ suddenly shouted, making Emily jump a little splashing a few drops of tea onto her lap.

"_We're your friends JJ, you can trust us. We __**want**__ to help you." _Emily said back, trying to keep her voice even and calm.

"_Well I don't __**want**__ help from you." _

Emily's mouth hung open a tad before she closed it. She knew she couldn't be angry at JJ, and she knew that JJ was also not angry at her but at the situation, but this was no time to profile her, it would just make her more wound up.

"_We can't leave you JJ." _

"_Please do Emily. Please just get out of my house, I want to be alone." _

"_JJ-"_

"_**Please.**__" _

Emily sat unsure as to what to do next. She couldn't leave her but she also couldn't stay in her house when she was so unwanted and unwelcome. Deciding to give JJ what she wanted she picked up her things again and turned to her before she reached the door.

"_I'm always here JJ. Please just give me a ring." _

And with that she stepped back out into the frosty air, a chilled tear spilling down her cheek as she hovered by the door, contemplating going back in and standing her ground.

Emily picked her phone out of her pocket and dialled Garcia, explaining what had happened.

"_Do you want me to come by? She might let me help her, she seemed okay when I was there, well not okay but better than hospital." _A desperate voice suggested on the other end of the line. Emily lifted up her car keys and pressing a button, unlocked it.

"_I don't think so. She looked pretty certain. The look on her face Pen, I've just, oh my god." _Emily sobbed cursing herself for being so pushy. She reached the doors of her SUV and climbed in into the warmth.

"_What do we do?"_ Garcia asked.

"_I think there's only one person she'll listen to right now. And you and I both know who that is." _Emily sighed, thinking of only one name. Not wanting to explain over the phone feeling it was too impersonal, she drove back to the BAU where she knew he'd still be working.

* * *

><p>"<em>Come in." <em>The voice called.

Hotch's facial expression change straight away when he saw Emily's face. Her nose twice as pink from the coldness and the crying on the way over, and her mascara smudged slightly under her eyes.

"_Prentiss? What's wrong?" _He asked, standing up suddenly worried.

"_JJ." _ Was all she could muster to say, she sat down in one of the chairs, her coat and bag still on. She sniffed a little to try and regain her composure.

"_What happened?" _Hotch asked his mind whirring.

"_She's just completely shut down Hotch." _She said looking him straight in the eye and seeing his worry equal hers. "_She doesn't want me in her apartment. I tried, I don't know who else she'll listen to." _

"_But a couple of days ago when we spoke, you said she seemed better? That she ate with you and Garcia, that she was taking her tablets?" _He asked, discarding his paperwork completely and giving Prentiss his full attention, absent-mindedly running a hand through his short black hair.

"_I don't know what happened. She did seem to be a bit brighter. But when I came home today...it's like when she's been left on her own too long she slips back into that state. I just don't know what to do Hotch." _She rambled nervously, wiping away a tear on her cheek.

"_What can I do?" _He pleaded almost.

"_I feel like we've been here before. I get that you may feel uncomfortable with this, but it doesn't matter that you can't help her shower or whatever. Right now she needs someone to just help her **mentally**. But I can see it between you two. She trusts you, she seems more willing to be open with you." _Emily huffed back into her chair exhausted with the situation.

"_Prentiss, I don't understand." _He stated, feigning obliviousness.

"_I don't either Hotch, maybe it's because she's not as close with you? She sees your relationship more as a professional one, maybe she will listen more naturally to her boss." _ She shrugged feeling helpless. JJ certainly had seemed better when Hotch was with her those two nights. When he'd told the team he stayed and made dinner no one could believe it, or understand it.

"_She can't be left alone Hotch, I don't know what she's going to do." _

Hotch thought, needing a minute to decide what to do before realising there was only one thing. "_I'll try." _He said simply.

"_She refuses to see Reid or anyone. It's so strange, we're her friends. I've spoken to her about everything in my life. It's like she's a different person." _Emily said her voice quivering again as she recalled what they used to have in such a short time ago.

"_I was just about to leave for the night." _He said, looking through his window and out into the bustling office. "_I'll grab my go bag." _He couldn't help thinking about Prentiss' words in his mind. About him being seen as the authority figure, about them not being as close. It hadn't been entirely true, over the years they'd been there for each other, he trusted her with his life and vice versa. He put it down to them not seeing each other as much as the rest of the team. Her job was different from theirs, perhaps he'd been naive to think his unknown new feelings were anything more than just plain concern.

"_What will you do about Jack?" _ Emily asked feeling horrible once again for leaving JJ, she felt like she was pawning her off onto their boss. It was such a bizarre situation. Hotch had already tried, he felt like he couldn't help her, she got that. But she needed someone to assert authority to her and Hotch seemed like the best person to do that. He kept his emotions in check, he was reasonable. Hotch came back from his thoughts.

"_Jessica had him all of this week anyway. Guess she wants to make sure I'm okay after my short-stay in hospital." _Hotch explained, walking to the other side of his office and picking up his navy bag with essentials in.

"_The others get back from the case tonight. It's all closed, I've just filled out some forms about it to hand to Strauss. Things will be a little easier here when they're back, less workload." _He said to Emily.

"_Are you going to stay with her tomorrow then?" _Emily asked cringing at what JJ would think of her sending Hotch over and feeling like the worst friend ever.

"_Yes, if i have to, just for one day. I'll do some calling around, get Garcia to find the best therapist for this kind of thing..." _He trailed off realising that he sounded a lot more casual on his exterior than he felt inside.

"_I spoke to her again about tonight, she's not having it." _Emily said timidly.

"_Well she needs it. It's going to end up beyond our help if we don't intervene soon." _Hotch declared.

**A/N: Phew. Okay, this was the longest chapter I've done, and still a little tedious for me to write as I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot with JJ's frame of mind. If you've read all the way to the bottom of this, I apologise now for the melancholy. You should probably go read a happy fanfic now (: It does seem morbid, even I feel this way writing it. However I feel like there's no way for this recovery to be fast or happy, especially without its problems and repetitions. The chapters to come do get better I promise, but the road is long and tricky. Thanks for sticking with it if you still have. And please R/R I LOVE to hear them.**


	17. The Tea And Talks

JJ exhaled sharply as a knock sounded at her door. She was getting really sick of that sound. Fully preparing herself to yell at Emily for coming back when she'd told her not to, she yanked open the door, her mouth open and ready.

"_JJ." _ Hotch said as he saw her notice who it was. He noticed a look of confusion flash over her face before she snapped her mouth shut.

"_What're you doing here Hotch?" _She asked. JJ couldn't believe this. Was it too much to ask to be alone these days? She felt like she was living in Big Brother, having to be watched all the time.

Hotch stared back unsure as to what to say.

"_Emily." _JJ huffed and straightened herself upright ignoring the pain in her stomach as she realised that she'd been and told him everything. "_With all due respect Hotch, please leave."_ She said, getting ready to close the door.

Hotch put a foot into the apartment.

"_JJ, I'm not going anywhere. You won't call Reid back? Fine. You won't let Prentiss stay with you? Fine. Then I'm going to help you." _He said a little impatiently but knowing he had to be blunt with her. He was tired of waiting in the office, watching Prentiss walk in the last few mornings looking exhausted and fed up. He received no usual quirky greetings or terms of endearment from Garcia anymore. And now that the others were back from the case, he knew the mood would still be down in the unit, everyone unfocused on their work, worrying about JJ. It was time for an intervention.

"_I don't want help. I've already told Emily. Please can you just get out of my house?" _JJ said feeling desperate at the build up of emotion she could feel in her throat, just wanting to be alone.

"_Tough." _Hotch replied stepping through the door fully, closing it behind him and putting his bag down. JJ stepped back, slightly shocked. "_You do no good when you're alone JJ and you know that." _He said, his voice softening a little by the end of the sentence, gazing into her eyes and seeing the sadness. "_I rang Jessica on the way over; she's watching Jack for as long as need be. We can't have you like this. __**I**__ can't have you like this." _He added, taking off his jacket.

JJ felt a certain déjà-vu to the situation. The whole cyclical feeling of her life was becoming endlessly tiring and depressing. Normally she would feel so rude speaking to her boss and friend like this but right now she was so sucked out of reality she felt like she might be dreaming the whole thing. She knew Hotch was the most relentless of them all, and not wanting to fight any longer, she looked at him for a moment before going and sitting back down in her spot in the sofa, leaving him by the door.

Hotch took this as a good sign, at least she was not putting up much of a fight. This part also pained him the most too. JJ was usually so stubborn and defiant in accepting help or advice and to see her so weak was unsettling. Hotch wasn't even sure why he'd done this. On the drive here, he'd gone over the conversation in his office, suddenly aware that he'd made the decision to come over so quickly. It made him question himself, would he have done the same if it was Reid or Prentiss? He wasn't sure. He put his doubt aside, realising that he was here, and all he knew right now, was that he wanted to help her to heal.

"_It's almost seven. Are you hungry? Shall I cook something?" _He asked, checking his wristwatch for the time. He looked over at JJ sitting on the sofa with the familiar blanket around her, watching something on TV and apparently ignoring him. This vision didn't put him off, it just made him want to push further for her to get better. The image of this sick JJ in his mind was his catalyst for change.

"_Well I'm starving, so I'll cook." _He said lightly, walking over to the kitchen already knowing where everything was.

JJ turned around when she didn't think he was looking, seeing him roll up his shirt sleeves and reach for a saucepan out of the cupboard. Deep deep down, on some level, she was actually glad that it was him who'd come over.

He looked over just as she turned her head back to the screen.

* * *

><p>"<em>Not so bad if I do say so myself." <em>Hotch mused, bringing the plates with cooked risotto into the lounge, sitting himself on the armchair after handing JJ a plate of her own. He watched her as she held it frailly in her palms and managed to put a forkful in her mouth. He glanced at the TV, not wanting to put too much pressure on her.

"_What are you watching?" _He tried to ask as casually as he could, desperate for her to just speak.

JJ sat silent for a moment before replying.

"_Sex and the city." _She said emotionlessly.

"_Great. I love this show." _Hotch responded smiling a little. He could feel his cold exterior that JJ had been so used to at work, fading away. If he was going to help her, he'd have to let his guard down just a bit to equal hers. He looked over at her and saw her lip maybe twitch a tad. He wasn't even sure if he'd seen it in the fairly dark room.

"_The food okay?" _He pushed after another minute or so of not talking.

"_Sure." _

He put down his fork before re-considering what he was about to say. Picking it up, he carried on eating, turning his gaze to the programme again, though not paying attention.

"_How long have you been watching television for today?" _Hotch asked seriously.

JJ rolled her eyes. She felt sick to her stomach of this claustrophobia in her own home. She snapped down her fork and put the plate on her lap before turning her head to Hotch.

Hotch immediately saw where this was going and put his own plate down on the coffee table in front of him. He knew the rant was coming, probably one similar to what Prentiss had described over the last couple of days. Little to JJ's knowledge though, Hotch knew this was a good step forward. It was better than lying that she was okay or acting completely passive and empty.

"_I don't know Hotch. The time is kind of hard to keep track of when all you're thinking about is your murdered sister, four other dead kids, one that got held captive all because of you and the searing pain in your stomach from where you were shot." _JJ spat angrily. The worst part was that she didn't even feel embarrassed for the outburst of rage; she just wanted to offend him in that moment so he went away.

Hotch sat forward to show he was listening but made no attempt to tell her it would all be okay, not when she was in this current state. So he just looked at her.

JJ's rage suddenly dissipated and she felt ashamed. The look in his chocolate brown eyes was hidden hurt, though he controlled his micro expressions to try and tell JJ otherwise. She saw even in the dark light, his scars. One on his lip, and one on his jaw.

She pushed her plate away onto the other side of the couch, not wanting to eat anymore. Hotch stood up and picked up her plate, taking it into the kitchen with his own, suddenly not hungry anymore either. By the time he came back into the lounge, he saw JJ's face buried in her hands.

"_JJ?" _He asked rushing over and crouching down next to her. "_What's wrong? Are you in pain?" _He pressed.

"_God. I don't know why I keep doing this." _She said, shaking her head, not bothering to remove her palms from her face.

"_What?" _Hotch questioned, confused.

After a minute JJ removed her hands, feeling the tears coming down her cheeks again. Her large, cerulean eyes bore into his. She could feel her heart become heavy as she saw the anxiety on his face. She was sick of causing all the hurt around her. Sick of everything.

"_Pushing away the people who are trying to help me. Causing so much pain." _She explained barely above a whisper.

"_JJ, it's your way of coping. You're only causing us pain by you being in pain." _Hotch reassured her, putting a hand on her shoulder. JJ didn't flinch at this touch like she did with Garcia. She felt the warmth from his hand sink into her skin.

"_I'm sorry. For everything." _She whimpered.

"_I don't know when it's going to get through to you JJ that you have nothing to be sorry about. None of this is your fault. I'm not sure how many times you've heard that but I'm betting it's a lot. And yet still, I don't think you can move forward from this until you accept that." _Hotch rambled suddenly worried that he'd said too much. Though everything he'd spoken was the truth, he knew it. They'd all seen grief and guilt eat a person up, including JJ. And they knew how it would destroy your soul if you let it.

JJ nodded bleakly. She knew what Hotch was saying was the truth. Something about his voice reassured her. It calmed her down. His words were so coherent and flowing that JJ's heart felt a little lighter as she carried on gazing into his eyes.

"_I know." _

She knew the logic, she knew that this wasn't her fault. But it still was at the same time. None of this would re-write the past. She was the target in a sick stalker case. She had to look at it from a profiler's point of view. The feelings she'd been getting the last few days had scared her. The carelessness she felt when she thought of crossing the road in her mind...not even bothering to glance both ways...no it had to stop. How could she carry on this way? She was exhausted of feeling exhausted.

"_Just do me a favour please. Tomorrow I'll ask Garcia to find the best psychologist there is out there. Please, just promise me you'll think about talking to someone. I really think it's for the best now, don't you?" _Hotch asked gently, still holding her shoulder.

JJ concentrated on the touch to keep her in reality and out of her mind. The more she thought about it, the more the words sunk in. She knew this was going to come eventually. This was what needed to happen, though the thought still sent adrenaline coursing through her system.

She chewed her lip.

"_Okay." _She said timidly.

Hotch weakly smiled at her and rubbed her forearm now, his eyes lighting up a little.

"_Okay." _He reiterated. He looked at her properly and saw the weariness lingering in her eyes.

"_I think maybe it's time for bed? Prentiss has told me how comfortable the couch is. Don't worry." _Hotch held up a hand dismissively.

JJ nodded her head again, going to get up. She knew there was no point in asking if he was staying, let alone arguing with the fact. She was too drained to care right now. "_I am actually tired. I think I could sleep." _She murmured.

"_Good." _

She stopped a moment, a pang in her heart.

"_Hotch I feel terrible for dragging you away from Jack." _JJ grimaced.

"_Are you kidding me? He's probably having ten times more fun with his aunt than he does with me. He loves seeing her." _Hotch explained.

JJ heaved herself off the sofa and awkwardly hung around whilst Hotch gathered some things for her to take into the bedroom: a glass of water, the tablets, the blanket from around her. She felt herself cringe a bit. He walked her to the door of the room.

"_I guess this is goodnight." _He said trying his best to smile a little.

"_Yeah." _JJ breathed glancing down. She felt her eyelids coming down heavily.

"_See you tomorrow then." _Hotch spoke, turning to walk away.

"_Hotch?" _JJ asked suddenly.

"_Yes?" _He looked around expectantly.

"_Umm...thanks." _

"_You're welcome." _He smiled, loosening his tie as he walked away to his make shift bedroom.

* * *

><p>"<strong>Your sister."<strong>

**Blue eyes.**

**So cold.**

**The pale blue eyes.**

"**Jennifer."**

"**He means nothing to me, he's not even worth a bullet!"**

"**Jen-if-fer."**

"**I picked this rose for you, it was so beautiful I felt like I had to give it someone worthy of its beauty." **

"**Jennifer."**

"**GO AWAY!" **

"**Hotch..."**

"**Run."**

"**I loved her."**

**The eyes.**

JJ woke up screaming at the top of her lungs, shocking herself awake and feeling the sound linger as the noise eventually stopped when she realised it was herself.

"_JJ!" _Hotch shouted from somewhere close by.

She felt the warmth of his touch on her right arm. She turned her head quickly to see him hovering over her, his face full of panic. He wore a white t-shirt and plaid pyjama bottoms. His hair was ruffled a little. JJ felt the adrenaline and fear leave her body as she locked eyes with him in the darkness of the room, the white glinting off hers.

"_Are you okay? What happened?" _He asked, keeping his fingers on her.

"_Dream." _She roughly whispered trying to explain in one word, not wanting to go into it further.

Hotch seemed to understand what was happening, knowing she was having another flashback whilst she slept. He knelt down by the side of her bed, completely forgetting that this was a work college of his and that he was in her bedroom in the middle of the night.

JJ felt her whole body shaking as a tear or drop of sweat rolled down her cheek, she wasn't sure which. Her teeth chattered as she came to realise that she was no longer in that place, she was safe.

"_Do you want to talk about it?" _Hotch asked soothingly as he stroked her arm.

JJ felt the touch comforting. She sat up in her bed running her hands over her face to make herself wake up more. Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, she faced Hotch completely, feeling exposed in just her own t shirt and shorts. Hotch sensed this and grabbed her gown off the back of the chair in the room and gave it to her. She gratefully wrapped it around her.

"_Just remembering different things each time. More and more comes back to me, bit by bit." _She said, her voice surprisingly calm as she felt another tear wet her cheek.

"_How many have you had?" _Hotch asked trying to sound supportive and not for medical reasons.

"_This is about my third or fourth. I don't know, they all just seem to blur into one mixed memory." _She said as she entwined her hands together, playing with her fingers as they sat in the dark room in the early hours of the morning. Hotch stood up.

"_Do you want a hot drink?" _He asked motioning towards the kitchen.

JJ thought about this offer, a tea sounded good right now. Her stomach grumbled as she thought of this, remembering she hadn't eaten her dinner.

"_Yeah, I'll go make some tea." _She said going to get up.

"_I'll do it." _Hotch interjected. "_You stay here." _

"_No, I want to get out of this room for a minute." _JJ said standing up fully now, tying up the material belt on her robe as she felt the walls closing in around her in the dinginess. The feeling was too close for comfort. The grey cemented walls began to creep into her mind again.

Hotch stood aside to let her pass first and then followed her into the kitchen where he pulled out a stool for her, eyeing her worryingly, as if he was afraid she may just start screaming or collapse again in his midst.

JJ held her face in her hands again as she shielded her eyes from the bright light Hotch had just turned on so he could find what he needed to make a drink.

"_What would you like?" _He asked.

"_Chamomile please." _JJ sighed, glancing at the oven clock. **3.24 am.**

"_Hotch you've gotta go to work, I'm sorry for waking you up." _JJ muttered croakily, feeling guilty and embarrassed for him seeing her in such a state.

"_I'm going to stay here tomorrow. Well, today." _He announced, facing away from her to make the tea.

"_What?" _JJ asked shocked.

"_I told you, I'm going to find a therapist." _

"_Hotch you can do that from work, __**I**__ can do that, you don't need to stay with me." _She moaned wiping away another tear as the walls in her mind caved in closer.

"_JJ I want to. You need company right now." _Hotch said quietly afraid to how she would react.

JJ closed her mouth, unable to think of anything else to say to put him off.

"_I'll ring Strauss in the morning. She'll understand."_ He explained.

"_Yeah, Strauss, understanding. You got that right." _JJ sniped sarcastically.

Hotch couldn't help but smile a little at this remark with his face hidden away from hers. Though it was the tiniest ounce, it was still the fight he longed to see seeping back into her.

"_She can last without me for one day. They all can." _Hotch shrugged turning round and handing her the tea. The sweet smell wafted into her nose as she took it into her palms.

"_Hmm." _JJ mused, not knowing what else to say.

Hotch pulled a hand through his messy hair and subtly rubbed his eyes. He'd barely slept since they'd parted ways a few hours ago. His mind was whirring with all the things he should say to JJ, all the possibilities he could do to help her. He also, little to JJ's knowledge, was thinking over the Unsub's case file he'd read that day, the man who'd done this to her. Just as they thought, their profile was accurate, not that it was much solace in all of this. He was on the paedophile register like they'd predicted. A few charges of statutory rape, an aggravated assault case. Abused by his father, his mother abandoning them at a young age. Everything added up, the sum just didn't matter in the end.

**You've got him Hotch. That's what counts.**

Hotch finally thought of something else he'd been meaning to ask but felt too uncomfortable to say.

"_You don't think this is too weird do you JJ?" _He asked out of the blue. JJ's head slowly came up as she stared at him, fazed.

"_What?" _She curiously questioned.

"_Me, staying here. I know it's what you need, but you know, because we haven't really seen each other outside of work much in the past. We've always just talked about cases and our job. Now suddenly I'm on your couch."_ He realised as soon as he'd said it that JJ would interpret this as doubt as to whether **he** felt comfortable enough to stay here.

JJ looked down again at her hands thinking it over.

"_I thought it would be, but it's not." _She stuck out her lip a little as she chewed, a regular bad habit now when she was deep in thought. "_It kinda feels...right. I don't know Hotch. There's something about you, I just open up to you easier. I don't know what that is." _JJ added feeling this was getting too personal. "_Do you feel it's weird?"_

"_I really don't mind being here. I just didn't want you to feel too uncomfortable." _Hotch said whilst leaning against the fridge with a drink of his own.

"_I don't." _She whispered, looking back at him. "_Is __**that **__what's strange?" _She smirked.

Hotch smirked back. "_I guess, looking back on it. We've had our fair share of rough times together." _He pondered this thought, trying to make sense of what he was suddenly feeling. It had been lingering around for a while now. The urge to constantly check in on JJ, to see her face, hear her voice, make sure she wasn't hurting too much. He'd just put it down to her being his friend, and obviously, he was worried about her.

But as he stirred his tea, the only sound was the clink of metal on china, and his thoughts span with each circle of the spoon.

"_Yeah, you're right." _JJ sighed, sipping her drink. The warming effect was nice, and for once she didn't feel as nauseous trying to get it down her. Drinks did seem easier than food though, she'd realised. As she sat in her kitchen with her boss in his pyjamas, she couldn't help but explore his other side. She'd always been used to taking orders from him, waiting for his response to situations, seeing the frown on his face as he made the tough decisions. But right now, stripped of his tie and suit and sporting bed-head and dark circles under his tired but caring eyes, she saw a different side to him.

* * *

><p>"<em>You have reached Penelope Garcia fair squire, speak and I shall process your demand." <em>A happy voice rang from the other end of the phone.

"_Yeah Garcia, you know what we talked about yesterday, before I left work? Just ringing to say she's agreed. I need you to find me the best person for this kind of...thing, fast." _Hotch said keeping his voice quiet so as not to wake JJ who'd gone back to sleep quite successfully after her very early morning hot beverage. Hotch at least presumed that, as he hadn't heard her stirring or walk around, and he'd been awake all night on the couch, his mind going back and forth.

"_Really? That's great." _Garcia said sweetly, her smile detectable in her voice. "_I shall ring __**everyone**__. And I mean everyone. Seriously, I will get young JJ THE best therapist there is out there." _She added.

"_Good, I'll be waiting on your call. Thanks." _Hotch said shortly, trying to end the conversation. He didn't want to be caught on the phone to her in case JJ came through, he wasn't sure why, she had after all agreed to it. But it felt wrong behind her back.

"_Hotch?" _A voice called just as he was about to hang up.

"_Yes?" _He said back down the phone, feeling a little impatient through lack of sleep.

"_Is she doing better now you're there?" _Garcia asked quietly.

"_I don't know." _He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "_I think so, but you never know if it'll last or not. I think everything's finally getting through to her though. She does seem more willing to talk which is a start. Hopefully this counselling is the first step in the right direction. Plus, in the long run, it's the only way she'll ever be allowed back into the unit given her current mental state." _Hotch said, eyeing JJ's bedroom door, making sure she wouldn't wander in.

"_I guess. Well I'm glad. You seem to be doing something right." _She huffed sadly.

"_Oh and Garcia, tell the others that it won't be long until they can see her. I really think it would do her good for you to visit, just not right now, but soon." _Hotch stated.

"_They'll be thrilled. We shall await your call boss-man." _

"_Bye." _Hotch clicked the phone down and straightened out his jeans before picking up a case file quickly out of his bag by the sofa. He wouldn't let JJ even have a glimpse of one for now, but whilst she was asleep, he figured that he may as well attempt to do some form of work.

It was a good forty minutes later when JJ stumbled from her room. Hotch immediately turned to face the sound and greeted her with a warm smile.

JJ would never get used to that. His whole face seemed to change when he smiled. His eyes lit up, his eyebrows lifted, his dimples showed. It was so rare to see him do this, that for a fleeting second it gave JJ butterflies. She walked over to the kitchen area, tossing a few pills into her mouth from the container and got some bread out to make toast. She realised that all this not-eating recently was not doing her any good, and she needed to start eating all her meals again. The weakness she'd felt in her muscles and heart surely had to be helped by this. She was desperate to get out of this bubble of fear and anxiety in her own mind.

After talking to Hotch last night, for some strange reason, she'd suddenly seen that maybe there was a tiny glimpse of a flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, she wasn't even sure she'd make it to her therapist, the thought churned her stomach, but she knew that if she was going to get anywhere, this was what was needed to be done. Something she couldn't explain about Hotch was that when he was around, she felt safer. From the real world, and her mind.

"_Sleep okay after you went back to bed?" _Hotch asked, getting up and walking over to her, pulling out the stool again for her to sit down and taking the bread out of her hands. JJ felt embarrassed again for letting him help her but she was learning to give in more easily. She was still exhausted, and her eyes stung a little, as did the pain in her stomach, but she had slept deeply since the tea and talk. Just hearing his voice had quelled her horror and worry, like the perfect lullaby to fall asleep.

"_Yeah. How long have I slept for?" _She asked, looking around for the time.

Hotch checked his watch. "_8 hours roughly." _He replied.

"_Wow." _JJ feebly grinned at him. "_That's good." _She added.

"_How are you feeling this morning?" _Hotch questioned whilst placing the bread in the toaster and turning to her.

"_Okay." _She responded, and a little bit of this lie, was the truth this time.

"_Does your stomach hurt?" _He asked further, sensing she was maybe lying.

"_A bit." _She said, subconsciously touching her fingers to it.

"_Well, the tablets should kick in soon." _Hotch said soothingly. "_What do you want on your toast?" _

"_Just butter please." _JJ said motioning towards the fridge. Though she felt her appetite was returning bit by bit, she didn't want to push her stomach first thing in the morning. It always felt worse on waking up.

Hotch pulled the tub of butter from the fridge and grabbed the toast as it popped a minute a later. Spreading it out evenly, he put it on a plate and handed it to her.

"_Thanks."_

"_No problem." _

JJ felt like there was a slight elephant in the room. She knew Hotch would have already started looking into seeing if there was a therapist for her, but she couldn't bring herself to ask him about it. Asking him meant that it was definite, that she'd have to finally accept that she could talk to a stranger. The thought sent her heart racing. But this was why Hotch was off work, or why he **said** he was off work. She sucked in a breath, between bites, putting the half eaten toast down for a minute.

"_Did you call Garcia?" _JJ asked timidly, not looking him in the eye, but staring down at her breakfast instead.

"_Yes." _Hotch said, shifting from his spot and taking the stool next to JJ, still not facing her though. Instead he played absent-mindedly with his fingers.

"_What's happening?" _JJ pushed, feeling the tension in the conversation. Was this too soon? Should she really be considering this?

"_She's going to call me back when she's found someone." _Hotch said, reaching for his phone out of his pocket and placing it on the worktop between them.

"_Okay." _JJ said in defeat, accepting that this was actually going to happen but still against the idea herself. Her heartbeat picked up a little.

"_It's for the best." _Hotch whispered, turning to look at her.

She felt his eyes burning into her and looked up to meet his gaze.

"_I know." _

JJ carried on nibbling at her toast in silence until she had finished. Hotch took the plate from her and washed it quickly, putting it back away again.

"_You really should go into work you know." _She said weakly.

"_It's fine. I have things to do here. Besides, I was thinking, and I know how my last thought went, that you could try and shower today?" _He said, the image of JJ curled up in the blanket on the bathroom floor filling his mind. He'd cursed himself for causing that. But he knew that she really needed to try, and it'd been a while. She seemed healthier a tad now, he'd keep the phone on speed dial for the hospital just in case.

"_I was thinking that. I feel gross." _She whimpered, looking down at her body.

"_It's up to you." _Hotch added, feeling he was being too pushy.

"_No, I think I should." _JJ agreed, but the thought of seeing her stomach bare, the deep wound on show for all the mirrors to reflect back at her, for her eyes to see, for her mind to dig back up, scared her endlessly.

"_Good." _Hotch said, going to get up.

"_Now?" _JJ asked, subconsciously desperate to put it off.

"_It's as good as ever." _He said back.

"_Okay." _

As JJ made her way back to the bedroom, she could feel a repeat of last time coming on; the panic was planted in her, waiting to explode. She grabbed some clothes out of her closet, before turning to Hotch who sat on her made bed.

Hotch sensed her hesitation. "_What's wrong?" _He asked, his brows instantly furrowing.

"_Urm...nothing." _JJ resigned, going to enter the bathroom.

"_JJ, you can talk to me. It's better that you don't internalise your thoughts. Tell me." _He said with a hinting of pleading in his voice. He so desperately wanted to make things better for her.

"_Please don't go profiler on me Hotch." _JJ sighed feeling angry before biting her tongue. "_I'm sorry." _She corrected herself apologetically, facing Hotch fully again now. "_I...I just don't want to, god." _JJ felt her eyes welling up. She was surprised she had any tears left in her from the past few weeks.

Hotch leaned forward, not wanting to leave her to cry but feeling that comforting her would come off as inappropriate right now.

"_I don't want to see it, to be reminded." _She whimpered a little, a tear coming gently down her face as she turned to look at her stomach. Hotch caught this movement and felt ashamed for making JJ tell him such a private thought, knowing it was so out of her character. Yet he also felt glad she was finally opening up to him.

"_The scar?" _He asked sadly, forgetting that she'd even have one and feeling awful for her.

"_Uhuh." _ JJ nodded incoherently.

"_JJ..." _Hotch started, fighting the urge to walk over to her and wrap an arm around her.

JJ felt so stupid for crying again, with every tear came shame, her emotions were everywhere. Though she wanted to cry alone, she felt like being closer to Hotch was more of a comfort for her, but she stayed rooted to the spot.

"_I'm just being weak. Every time I see it, I just lose it because it's a reminder of what he's done to me, and all those others." _She cried.

Hotch walked over to her, standing closer awkwardly, keeping his arms by his sides.

"_It is a reminder. That you're strong and you survived this." _He firmly said. "_You are here, and he's behind bars." _

"_Yeah." _JJ breathed, looking away from him, and to the bathroom. "_I'm sorry. I really need a shower. I won't be long." _She said hurriedly, walking in and placing her clothes on the floor. As she turned to shut the door, she saw Hotch's face, his eyes filled with helpless sadness. "_I'll be okay." _She sniffed, wiping away the tears trying to convince him.

"_If there's anything I can do, I'm here." _He said, wishing the situation were completely different. He went and sat back down on the bed, before running his hands over his forehead.

As JJ peeled the clothes off her, and leaned over to turn the knob on the shower, she felt the hatred start to fill her body. The bitterness crept up inside her as she turned to the mirror, breathing in determinedly, she moved her gaze up to it. "_C'mon JJ." _She whispered.

When she saw the sight in front of her, she was surprised by her face. It had returned basically to normal now. Though thinking the N word was still beyond her capability. It seemed so awful to utter that thought, nothing would ever be normal again.

Her body however, was still a little battered. Her thighs were decorated in thick, purple bruises, this confused her as it'd been so long since everything had happened. Apparently she'd suffered a lot of internal bleeding though, so of course the doctors had told her that things would seem more drastic, and take longer to heal. The fact that she didn't take her medicine to start off with or hadn't eaten for a while was not helping the prolonged healing process.

She moved her eyes slowly up to her stomach, filled with dread.

She'd tried so long to push the image of this hideous mark out of her mind, and just when she thought she could kid herself it wasn't there, seeing it again brought it all back. Forcing herself to look at it properly, she saw the pink fleshy curve indented into her. Taking her fingers, she traced it lightly, flinching, not at the pain but at the memory. She felt a tear come down again but then sniffed heavily, trying to compose herself.

"_You can do this." _She murmured, walking away from the mirror and to the shower, hovering her fingers under the water to see if it was warm enough to go into yet. The warmth spread through her hand, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to shower herself of all these last few weeks.

Climbing into it gingerly, she felt the trickle of water cover her entire body. Not daring to look down again, feeling that the encounter in the mirror was enough for now without pushing it, she stared at the tiles straight ahead of her in the shower, concentrating on the blue swirled patterns. The water felt so good on her skin, it made her muscles relax and for a moment, she'd forgotten where she was.

Hotch waited impatiently in her bedroom, tapping his foot. All he could hear was the running water. And that gave him no confirmation JJ was okay. Surely he would have heard her if she'd fallen, if she'd cried in pain, if she'd collapsed altogether? He rubbed his hands together, refraining himself from asking her if she was okay. He didn't want to seem too pushy.

As JJ smoothed the shampoo through her hair, she let the coconut smell waft into her nose. She realised how much she'd missed being able to do this. The simple things in life, she'd taken for granted for so long. Once she'd rinsed it through, she took a sponge to her body and scrubbed long and hard all over, desperate to cleanse herself of everything, to clean free her skin of all its marks.

* * *

><p>When JJ finally emerged fully dressed, damp haired and smiling a fraction, Hotch sighed a breath of relief.<p>

"_Everything okay?" _He asked eagerly, standing up straight away.

"_Yeah, fine." _JJ nodded truthfully. She felt the cleanest she'd ever felt in her life. Her skin felt smooth under her clothes. Not letting herself see again when she'd got dressed, she's managed not to cry for the second time and remain in control before she had to see Hotch. If he saw he in such a state, he'd panic more himself. And right now JJ just wanted to diminish the risk of him whisking her off back to hospital again, afraid that she couldn't handle it.

"_Good. You're doing so well JJ." _He said sympathetically.

She nodded, not wanting to do this now.

"_I'm showered, I'm dressed, I'm fed, you can go to work now." _She said changing subject.

"_I told you, I've got today off. It's fine!" _Hotch said grinning. "_You can't get rid of me that easily." _

JJ felt herself feel relieved at this. Though she didn't want to keep him off, she was so thankful for his company. He exerted calmness and comfort and she absorbed his energy so freely, he was the perfect medicine.

Just then, Hotch's phone buzzed. Excusing himself, he went out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. JJ heard him talk in hushed tones and figured he was discussing the dreaded matter with Penelope. She chewed her lip. Picking up her comb from her bathroom sink, she sat on the bed brushing her long blonde hair, when after a while, she heard the talking stop and saw Hotch appear at her door again.

JJ stared expectantly at him, not wanting to ask.

"_She found someone." _Hotch said nonchalantly, trying to keep JJ calm about it.

"_Already?" _

"_It's Garcia, what do you expect?" _He said smiling and putting his phone away again.

"_It's just...quick." _JJ huffed.

"_I know." _Hotch said, staying in the doorway watching her as she continued to brush her wet hair.

"_When?" _She asked after a minute.

Hotch waited a moment before replying, trying to read her mood.

"_Tomorrow." _He finally confirmed.

He saw JJ stop combing her hair and hold her hairbrush frozen, her eyes widening in panic.

"_I can't, not tomorrow!" _She cried, fear taking hold of her.

"_Yes you can. And I'm going to come with you. Not actually into the session, don't worry. But I'll take another day off. You can do this, I promise." _Hotch soothed walking over to the bed and sitting down next to her, taking the hairbrush out of her hands, and placing it on the bedside table.

"_How did she get one so quick?" _JJ asked in disbelief, trying to let this sink in.

"_You're a government employee, we have people like this designed for us. Plus, once again, Garcia. She probably blackmailed them or hacked into their account. I don't even want to know." _Hotch said as light-heartedly as he could.

JJ felt herself slowly loosen off from the anxiety attack that was bubbling within her. She ignored her racing pulse and turned to Hotch.

"_It's so soon. I don't think I'm ready." _She said, her voice a high soprano.

"_It's time." _Was all he responded.

**A/N: Another long and emotionally tedious chapter. I can tell you though, from now on, things are on the way up! After many ups and downs and a lot of morbid chapters, JJ is on the road to her recovery! I'm sorry if you feel it's dragged out too long, or it's unrealistic Hotch would be the one she felt most comfortable around, but A) he was in that situation with her. B) he's probably one of the most emotionally strongest of the group, and JJ knows this. And C) Well...you can see the ship that may or may not take place ;) Also, sometimes when you're as depressed as JJ, you don't want to put your closest friends through that pain, you'd rather it was someone you see more neutral, initially. **

P.s More team interactions will start happening soon too! Thanks for all the reviews, it still seems strange to me that people want to even read my stories! I love them all.


	18. The Epiphany Of The Future

JJ impatiently tapped her fingers on her knee, drumming an intricate pattern over and over. The butterflies dancing around her stomach made her feel queasy, and she concentrated on the carpeted floor, trying to keep herself from slipping into a panic attack. She breathed out a deep exhale in an attempt to stop herself from hyperventilating.

"_I'm sorry Hotch, I can't do this." _JJ suddenly outburst, going to get up from the chair. Hotch with one firm hand, the other on a clipboard, kept her in place.

"_**Yes**__ you can." _He spoke assertively.

"_I can't." _JJ pleaded, desperate to get out of this stuffy waiting room, she couldn't breathe properly, her face felt flushed, her head spinning. "_Can we do this some other time? Just not today please." _She rambled, her eyes wide open in anxiety, as if the deeper she looked into Hotch's, the more likely he was to give in.

"_JJ, I promise you, you're stronger than you think. I'll be right here. It won't take long." _Hotch reassured her. He could see the fear in her eyes and prayed that she didn't make a run for it, despite her physical state. It didn't take a profiler to know that the chances of JJ actually making it into the room were slim.

They'd spent the whole morning procrastinating. First JJ had wanted to take another shower after her successful one yesterday. Then she'd wanted to try and put a little make up on, something Hotch knew was not what she really wanted to do, but to just put off the appointment a little longer, trying to stall. He knew she didn't really care how she looked that much anymore, not with everything going on.

JJ had then declared that she needed some tea, to calm her down. So Hotch had obliged, making her a green tea in a thermos and telling her they needed to go as they were due to see the psychiatrist at ten thirty. At first Hotch thought she was keeping herself quite collected on the ride over, but then he started to see the early warning signs of panic. She'd stared out the window, chewing on her lip and subconsciously rubbing her hands together firmly. She'd begun to breathe a little quicker, and he could see the dew of sweat beginning faintly on her forehead. It was a miracle that she'd even gotten out of the car and into the building. Hotch had visions of him having to physically drag her out. He realised he was being portrayed as harsh but this was the only thing he could do to help JJ mentally, and that was the most important thing.

Once he'd finally talked her into getting out of the car and entering the building, JJ had stated she needed to use the restroom. A receptionist showed her the way, whilst asking Hotch if he could take this form for her to fill out so that the therapist would have some background knowledge on her before her session. Hotch had waited until JJ had come out after a few minutes, looking flustered and like she'd been crying. Sitting back down, she began to panic even more. That's when she'd made the outburst a moment ago.

"_Okay JJ, we have a few minutes before your appointment, so we've got enough time to fill this out." _Hotch said, trying to distract JJ from her own mind for a little while. He grabbed the pen that was resting on the top of the clipboard.

"_Hotch I can do it." _JJ said, trying to sound persuasive but her wavering voice gave her away. Hotch glanced down at her fingers.

"_JJ I doubt you could keep your hand still enough to write right now." _Hotch remarked, noticing the slight shaking.

JJ leaned back with her hands clasped together and continued trying to breathe deeply. He was right. She felt like her heart was about to thrash through her chest, and with the amount of adrenaline running through her system right now, a very familiar sinking feeling was twinging on her heartstrings.

"_Okay, D.O.B" _Hotch said, looking at the first box.

"_Hotch you know that. __**They**__ will know that. The medical staff is all here for government employees, which means that they probably have our date of birth." _JJ snapped feeling the room tilt. She saw Hotch look at her and then back down at the paper, scribbling down the correct dates.

"_Okay...title. Miss." _He murmured to himself as his pen ticked the box. "_Address..." _He trailed off as he filled that out too, off by heart.

"_Any chance you might be pregnant?" _Hotch turned to face JJ and lifted his eyebrows a little, a sign JJ knew which meant he was not deadly serious in his manner.

"_Hotch." _She glared at him.

"_I have to ask! It's just to make sure for the medication." _He explained, shrugging his shoulders and motioning to the form. "_A yes or no answer will suffice." _

"_Most definitely not." _JJ retorted, wanting to be anywhere but in this waiting room. Being a government employee meant that the healthcare system was at its finest. She felt unworthy of such important treatment. Surely everyone had the right to quicker care and a nicer quality of it too? Not just because she worked in the FBI? The carpet was thick, a deep blue, and the walls a neutral, inoffensive white. Modernistic art hung up, an uninteresting painting of multi-coloured splatters, and a navy vase with a plain plant in it. She shifted in her seat.

"_Job title." _Hotch spoke suddenly, interrupting JJ's analysis of the room.

"_If you don't know that, then maybe you shouldn't be here." _She said, though slightly less serious than the words implied.

"_Hey look, it's you who has to fill out this form. I want the words to come out of your mouth." _Hotch replied, looking back up at her.

"_Communications and media liaison, and supervisory special agent." _JJ responded, feeling the flow of the words leave her mouth freely. When she'd first started her job she'd had to take time to practice saying the names, but now they were natural to her.

Hotch felt a little intrusive and uncomfortable asking the next one.

"_Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness in the past at any time? This includes eating disorders, social anxiety, OCD, depression etc..." _He read straight from the paper. He tried to avoid eye contact with JJ and continued to stare down in front of him. It suddenly dawned on him that **he** was the one with JJ through all of this. He realised that it should have been Prentiss or Garcia to come with her, to help her. Had he pushed too much to come? Maybe she would have preferred to have come with them. Hotch felt bad. Looking up just in time, he caught the slight shake of JJ's head.

"_No." _She whispered.

"_JJ, I can give you the form, this is confidential. I'm sorry, I don't mean to take over." _He said proffering her the clipboard and pen. She shook her head again.

"_That's my answer, trust me." _She said, turning her head and looking away at the opposite wall.

"_Would you have rather come with one of the girls? I guess I can still call them if you like. I'm sorry I know I dropped this on you and kind of invited myself. I suddenly realised how private this stuff is." _Hotch said apologetically, rubbing his bristly chin.

JJ looked back at him sensing the uncertainty in his voice. She eyed the stubble that had grown over the last two nights from not shaving. Truth be told, she actually liked it on him, she felt it made him look sort of more...human. As much as she wanted to feel like she could be this open with two of her best friends, she just knew she couldn't. They needed to remember her healthy, and how she used to be. She didn't want to taint their friendship with this.

"_Honestly Hotch, there's no one else I'd rather be with me right now. And once again, I'm sorry for keeping you off work for the second time." _JJ said straightforwardly, wincing at the thought of Strauss more stressed than normal without Hotch and directing her anger towards the rest of the team.

"_I don't mind, really." _Hotch replied quietly, secretly delighted at her reply.

Just then the receptionist walked over from the desk, both their heads snapped up at the approaching sound.

"_Miss Jareau, Doctor Bavaro will see you now." _She said to JJ. "_Second door on your right." _She added before turning and walking back to her chair.

"_Okay." _JJ muttered under her breath, turning to face Hotch, her pulse speeding up a thousand times faster. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans.

"_You'll be fine. I'll wait out here. No rush." _Hotch said calmly, trying to help JJ.

"_You can do this, you can do this, you can do this." _JJ carried on whispering as she got up and walked down the little corridor. She felt the walls get closer to her and her breath hitched as her mind whirred back to another place.

*"_**I didn't want you to make me do this!"***_

*****_**"Go to Hell!"* **_

JJ gasped as her mind flicked back to the present after she had spaced out. She read the name on the door and realised this was it; she'd have to go in. Weakly reaching for the door handle, her palms shook around the cool metal. With one short sharp outbreath, she pushed open the door.

A psychiatrist with long shiny brunette hair to her shoulders, got up from her desk to greet JJ. She wore a pencil skirt and nude heels with a simple dark green sweater on top. Her eyes were a mixture of blue and green and she smiled sweetly at her. Her makeup was plain, her eyelashes were naturally long and dark and she had a tinted red colour on her lips.

"_Hello, you must be Miss Jareau. I'm Doctor Bavaro." _She introduced herself, shaking hands with JJ.

JJ desperately tried to open her mouth to respond but found that no sound or coherent thought came to her mind. The doctor sensed her hesitation and led her to a pair of chairs.

"_Here, you can take this one." _She said, indicating to the one furthest away from her desk. JJ was expecting the room to be a stereotypical impression of a therapy session: over the desktop from a stern looking doctor with a box of tissues in the middle. However this seemed smart, yet casual at the same time. Yes there still were a box of tissues but they were discreetly pushed to the side, and all that was between them was a small table for drinks. JJ noted the jug of fresh water and two clean glasses. Her mouth suddenly felt parched.

As she lowered herself into the chair, she felt a little more at ease from her built up expectations of this experience already. The woman was confident and calming, even from her body language she didn't seem condescending or judgemental, something JJ had feared all night. She'd stayed awake replaying what she thought would happen over and over until she'd scared herself stupid. And now, as she took in her surroundings, (the window next to them which looked into a small garden, the paintings of Van Gough and classics on the walls, the colourful notepad she held on her lap), she realised that this was the first time she'd been out the house in what felt like forever. JJ had tried not to think about it this morning, or on the way over, not wanting to distract herself from her main goal. But she became aware that this actually was a great achievement for her, sitting in this room, away from the comfort of her blanket and couch.

"_Okay Miss Jareau-"_

"_You can call me Jennifer." _JJ cut in, not wanting it to seem so formal. It still felt unfamiliar for people to call her "Miss". She'd always been so accustomed to either 'JJ', or 'Agent' that it felt alien being referred to with such a title.

"_Whatever you wish. So, Jennifer." _The doctor begun again. "_This first session isn't going to be delving into what happened to you, so I want you to take a breath and relax."_ She assured her, leaning forward and mirroring her body language. As an expert in behaviour, JJ knew all the tricks, yet she tried to play patient in this scenario and not FBI agent. She felt the knot in her stomach loosen off a little at this.

"_I'm just going to get to know you a bit better, and to talk about what will happen in the next few weeks or months, and what you can expect from me." _Doctor Bavaro continued, never breaking eye contact with JJ and smiling at her.

"_So firstly, I just want to let you know now that if over the course of time you don't feel comfortable with me, or that it's just not working and you'd like to try with someone else, that is more than fine, and I promise you now, I won't be offended." _She laughed slightly, and JJ could see the genuineness in her eyes.

JJ nodded, still in shock that she was out of her home. This all felt like a dream with the amount of adrenaline going around her right now.

"_Secondly, we can make appointments as often as you'd like and when you can do it. Though I must say, not to pressure you now, that there is a set amount required from you to be able to return to work fully. But don't worry about that just yet." _She quickly added, fluttering her hands around.

"_I'd also like to ask what you hope to get out of seeing me as well as what I hope to get out of you." _She politely said, twiddling a pen in her fingers.

JJ thought for a minute, bringing a hand to her face and slowly picking the skin on her lips. She took a deep gulp of air in, and then crossed her arms.

"_I'm not sure." _She mumbled. "_I guess, I just want to stop this pain. I want to be able to close my eyes and not have flashbacks or nightmares." _JJ said, feeling childlike. She felt the onset of tears beginning and suddenly felt uneasy.

"_It's okay to cry." _The doctor said, bending down for a tissue and giving it to JJ as she saw her eyes well up. "_I don't know how many people will have told you this now, but it's okay, really. It's our body's way of getting emotional relief." _She said with sympathy, inconspicuously scribbling something down, which went unnoticed by JJ as she dabbed her face with the tissue.

"_And I want to stop this heart-wrenching guilt I feel constantly." _JJ added through the sobs, realising that she wasn't having to put any effort to stop herself from breaking down again like she had done with Hotch living with her these last two days.

Doctor Bavaro gazed at her for another minute or so, letting her regain her composure.

"_Jennifer, I want to let you know now, that this will not be an easy process. But I promise you to the best of my medical ability, you can ease some of the pain yourself with the help of me. But it will take __**time. **__And that really is the key right here. No one can force you to heal quickly, it's not how our minds work." _She explained.

JJ looked up at her, she knew this was what to expect. But time was something she really didn't want to face right now. Time meant waiting, and more hard, long days and weeks and months and maybe even years of pain. She hadn't really given much thought to work over the last few weeks but now that she thought about it more, she could tell that this really was the only way of her ever improving. JJ knew she couldn't mope around forever. Her stomach was feeling a lot better these days than even a week ago, with the help of her tablets, and her bruises were fading slowly but surely. Soon they'd be nothing left for evidence of what had happened except for the deep fleshy scar.

The longer she pondered this, she realised that her end goal would be to go back to work. She'd envisaged the chaos that would no doubt be unravelling. As modest as she could think it, without a media liaison, the team would be a lot more stressed out with workload. She had pushed work and the outside world into the back of her mind but now it was time to embrace it as her aim. The thought of staying in her apartment all day every day, and retiring from the BAU suddenly made her panic even more. She now knew what she wanted eventually, so crystal clear.

"_I know." _She sighed, a tear still escaping her ocean eyes. "_And I'm prepared to work and wait for it. I can't go on like this any longer."_

* * *

><p>Around three quarters of an hour later, Hotch looked up from his phone screen to see JJ walking around the corner of the small corridor. He immediately noticed her slightly red eyes, and took it as a good thing that she'd cried in there even though it upset him too. This meant that she'd probably opened up to the doctor and they'd had a good discussion. She certainly looked a lot more relaxed through her body language, though she looked exhausted equally. JJ held a bunched up tissue tightly in her close palm.<p>

"_Everything okay?" _Hotch asked standing to meet her.

"_Yeah." _She said quietly, looking to the floor as they both stood next to each other. Hotch handed her back her jacket she'd left with him. As she pulled her arms through the sleeves, she realised that she did feel a bit better, like one of the many weights on her shoulders had been lifted a little.

"_Are you making another appointment now?" _He said, looking over the receptionist's desk.

"_We made it in there, same time next week. She thinks I should start off weekly for now." _She explained, still keeping her head down as she felt the eyes of another woman in the waiting room watching her.

"_Alright, well if you're ready to go then." _Hotch started, gesturing for her to walk in front of him.

Once they were back in the SUV, JJ wrapped her jacket around her further. Hotch could see her teeth chattering slightly, and the leather seats were chilly against their skin. He flicked the air vents on, and selected the heating button. He watched as she leaned her head against the frosty window, and let his windscreen clear a little before beginning to drive.

Hotch desperately wanted to ask further questions about how it had gone in there, and how she was feeling, but he could tell that she was tired, and probably emotionally drained, so he refrained.

After a few minutes of no talking, JJ finally opened her mouth making Hotch leap out of his thoughts.

"_We didn't talk about...what happened." _She whispered, her voice a little hoarse.

Hotch stayed silent, guessing she would talk more if he didn't offer his input.

"_I guess she has a background on me anyway. We just spoke for a while about what I wanted to get out of the sessions and stuff." _JJ shrugged, playing with a loose thread on her jeans.

Hotch sensed he should reply. Clearing his throat, he looked at her quickly.

"_And what did you say?"_

JJ gazed out the window and Hotch was unsure if she'd heard him or not.

"_That I'm fed up of feeling this guilt eat me up, that I want the flashbacks to stop coming to me all the time, and that I eventually want to go back to work..." _She trailed off, uncertain as to what Hotch's reaction would be to this.

Hotch first felt a shock at how quickly she'd seemingly turned around and was thinking about the BAU already, then he wasn't sure if this was a good thing for her to be considering.

"_JJ it's too soon, you don't need to worry yourself about that aspect yet." _He muttered, looking right and left as he went to cross a junction. They had a good fifteen minutes yet until they'd be home and he felt there, he could have this conversation a bit better with her. But maybe it was for the best that she couldn't demand him to leave, or let alone have to face each other physically whilst sitting here now.

"_I know, I have a lot of work to do before I can return, but I just, I don't know Hotch. It suddenly came to me like an epiphany you know. This is who I am, this is my life. If I gave that up now, after everything...I'd have nothing." _JJ said in disbelief, seeming more firm in her words now that they'd been vocalised to him. She turned her head to look at him, and he could feel her eyes locked on his face.

"_JJ, it's great for you to have a goal, and I'm really happy that you do, believe me, but you're just not mentally stable enough to even weigh up the options for work yet. With all the things we see and do...you have to be sure that you would be able to pull back from some dark places, even after what's happened to you. I don't know if you'd ever be the same again." _He said louder, feeling angry with himself and the situation. God he just missed it when everything was normal. Normality felt a million light years away from this moment.

JJ sat up a little in a defensive way, her arms folding across her chest again. "_Don't make me out to be like some patient in a psych ward!" _She said a little defiantly. Hotch recoiled at her words. He hadn't meant it in that way at all. Before he had a chance to speak, she continued. "_This is what I want, not now, I'm not saying now. But I cannot go to __**any **__other job, ever. And I most certainly can't bear those four walls for the rest of my life, doing nothing. I want to be with the people I love, doing a job that I love. I know I'm not capable just yet, but please can you just support me in my decision? This is really what I want." _She whimpered feeling a lump in her throat again. She'd been so happy when she'd become aware that she had a goal in life again, that her mind was obviously already changing in the slightest, that she had begun last night to think about seeing Reid's face, and not feeling completely repulsed by the idea of letting him into her home. Now she felt like Hotch was taking that away from her.

"_I'm sorry." _He said sincerely after another while of not talking. He realised he was being harsh on her. "_I didn't mean it like that. And I think it's a good idea, I just don't want you to rush into anything. Strauss has confirmed that she's not going to replace you, though she did talk about an early retirement package. I was going to go over it with you when we got back." _He said, feeling awful for keeping this from her.

"_I don't want it." _She responded straight away. "_I'm coming back." _

"_Eventually." _Hotch corrected.

"_Eventually." _She reiterated with a tint of contempt in her voice.

Another silence fell heavily in the car. Hotch focused on the turning of the wheel and paid close attention to each car around him. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Hotch felt like he had to say something to make it right. He hadn't meant to upset her, or hurt her further. He just felt that maybe she was caught up in the moment and hadn't thought this through. That she'd wake up tomorrow morning and be the same as she was just a week ago, when she wouldn't answer the door, or return calls, or even bother feeding herself.

"_What made you change your mind so suddenly?" _He asked, making JJ jump.

"_What?" _She asked, exasperated. She turned to him again, praying for the journey to speed up so she could curl up on her sofa and relax a little. JJ played with the gold chain necklace that hung around her neck as she came out of her imagination.

"_I mean, just last week you couldn't shower or eat properly, you yelled at Prentiss about three days ago that you didn't want help, and now you've just come out of a therapy session saying that you want to go back to work. I don't know, it just seems to have changed quickly. And don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're feeling better, I just don't know how you've done it." _Hotch replied, keeping his eyes on the road ahead, not wanting to see her expression.

JJ absorbed his words. It was true, all of it. It was as if something had snapped inside her, especially last night. When she laid awake staring out into the darkness of her room and feeling the twinge in her stomach, she somehow felt...**alive.** Her dreams had been filled with the face of her sister, a now more regular occurrence, and it was as if she'd talked to her whilst she was asleep, telling her to do this. She couldn't explain it, it was like a driving force in her that had been shown light.

"_I am nowhere near ready to go back to that place Hotch." _She said, shuddering at the thought, and dropping her hands from her necklace. "_But I know now, I have a plan for my future. It's not unknown and miserable. Even if it's a year from now that I go back to work, I'll still be constantly working towards it. It gives me something to focus on." _JJ rambled, desperate for Hotch to understand her.

"_But what changed? Was it that session?" _Hotch asked, obviously pleading to understand her actions better.

"_Honestly?" _JJ asked, blushing as she thought of what she was about to say.

Hotch glanced over at her face suddenly, looking confused.

"_It's you." _She responded. "_Having you here, I can't even tell you how much it helps me. It's something I can't explain. I just find it easier to see ahead of what's happened to me, to both of us." _Once JJ had finished her sentence, she looked down at her brown suede boots which were wet with the weather out.

"_I'm glad I'm helping JJ." _Hotch said back genuinely. Something within him changed too, and he felt his heart falter a little as he heard he repeat those lines in his head over and over.

"_You do realise though" _He said clearing his throat, "_That what I went through out there was nothing compared to you. I've recovered. He didn't hurt me anywhere near as much as he hurt you, so you don't need to feel guilty about that." _He pulled into the road for JJ's apartment, reversing back outside her house and pulling on the handbrake. He turned around fully to face her now that he didn't have to drive, not wanting to step out into the bitter air just yet.

"_None of us could have known who or what that man was JJ. We made decisions to go in without the rest of the team, we thought them independently and these were the consequences, as horrifying as they were. If I had to make those same choices from that night again, I would. Because we saved that young girls life. If we hadn't arrived when we did, she'd most likely be dead." _He said with a deafening tone, the morbidity rung out in the car as JJ took in what he'd just said. And that's when she realised, it probably was the truth, the girl would probably have been killed if he hadn't gotten JJ as a replacement.

She felt exhausted, it was only lunch time and already she felt like she could sleep for days. All this talking, whilst doing her good, had also made her brain feel like mush. This was a lot of information to absorb in the space of a couple of hours.

"_Hungry?" _Hotch suddenly asked changing the subject. JJ's stomach growled in response and he laughed lightly.

"_I'll take that as a yes. I can make some sandwiches." _He said, not offering, but telling as kindly as he could. JJ braced herself and pushed open the car door, the frozen chill stinging her face as she walked to her front door. Her legs felt heavy and tired. She took the keys out of her purse and shakily fumbled with them to get the door open. Hotch stood by her side, looking like he wanted to take them out of her hands and do it for her, but he stayed patient.

Once they were inside, he took JJ's coat and hung it up for her. She reached the sofa and collapsed onto it, grateful to be back in her own home. She felt utterly drained of everything. She'd been so used to keeping everything closed off, her home, her mind, the outside world. She seemed to have conquered all of each in the last few hours and realised what an achievement it was, despite feeling like any progress had really been made.

Whilst Hotch busied himself finding bread and cheese, he felt oddly proud of JJ. He never thought he'd be the one taking care of her, after all these years, she was the one that held the team together, the maternal figure.

Once he'd made the sandwiches, taking his familiar armchair seat next to JJ, they dug into their food, and JJ once again surprised herself at her hunger. She was beginning to feel a lot more appreciative towards her food, probably still making up for the two weeks of virtually not eating.

"_Hey Hotch?" _She asked between bites, putting down her plate on her knees.

"_Yeah?" _He replied glancing up from his lunch, wiping his mouth with the back of his hands.

"_I think I want to see Spencer." _She said uncertainly.

"_When?" _Hotch asked, confused.

JJ thought. "_Tomorrow?" _She said back.

"_JJ, this is all happening very fast. I can't even believe it myself. Are you __**sure?" **_He asked gingerly.

"_In that session today, the doctor said something that made me think. She said, that surrounding yourself with the people you love at times like these was good, and that whilst it's sometimes necessary to be alone, it isn't always productive. I'm not sure, I just really miss his face. I don't wanna see everyone just yet, just him." _She said smiling a little. All these conversations and goals had lured her out of her own mind and memories long enough to not have any flashbacks or thoughts towards that night, or her past. She knew she'd probably have to face them tonight, when she closed her eyes, but she accepted that that was the time she'd pay the price.

"_He is pretty desperate to see you, then again, they all are." _He said quietly, beginning to think that maybe Reid could help her. He knew that her mood was good now, but he'd most likely get woken up with her screaming again tonight. He knew how people's minds worked, after all it was his speciality. JJ seemed to be heading in the right direction, but if she went to fast, she had a good chance of crashing.

"_As long as you're sure. I can make a call. It's Friday tomorrow anyway, I'm sure he can come by after work as long as we've got no new cases." _He added, seeming more sure now that this would be okay.

JJ nodded and thought of Spencer, picturing him in her head. She missed him. And whilst she was holding up, she knew she'd be helping him by letting him see her.

"_You are going back into work tomorrow right Hotch? I mean, you need to be home for Jack too at the weekend." _She said definitely, the familiar guilt playing on her.

"_JJ, I told you, I can stay as long as you need me." _He said, putting his sandwich down completely and looking at her.

"_I know. But knowing that I'm keeping you away from your life too, it doesn't make me feel any better. I do actually enjoy having you around though. Who would've known." _She said smirking.

"_Watch it." _He chided but in a joking way, and continued eating his sandwich again, as did JJ.

"_I guess, if you're ready to start seeing people, even one by one." _He said halting JJ's worry. "_Then maybe I could go back home and to work, that way people could come over in the evenings again. If you'd let them." _He said remembering their failed attempts before.

"_Yeah, I'd like that. Can I just call you if I don't want them to though, if I'm having a rough day or whatever? Sometimes I don't feel up to seeing anyone's face and just lying to it." _She said suddenly panicking at the thought of seeing people again.

"_Of course. You're doing great JJ." _He congratulated again, afraid it wouldn't last.

"_Thanks." _She murmured.

"_Oh umm, I forgot to mention, you have a check up at the hospital tomorrow. It's in the late afternoon time, so I can take you. I can leave work early." _He offered, afraid of how she would take the news that she'd have to leave her home and face a hospital again. He knew how much she hated the medical side of everything.

"_What?" _She asked, turning her head in disbelief at him, her heart skipped a beat. "_Hotch when do you __**ever**__ forget? You mean you didn't tell me until now because you didn't want me to worry?" _JJ asked again, angry.

"_Exactly. Look it's not a big deal, just a routine examination. It'll be fine." _Hotch assured her, finishing his meal and taking both of their plates to the kitchen, giving JJ a moment by herself.

"_I don't need a check up, I'm fine!" _She said, sitting upright in defiance and immediately gasping at the sudden movement as she remembered her stomach.

"_Oww. Crap." _She muttered, clutching it.

Hotch came back to her side. "_JJ are you okay?" _He asked, his eyes suddenly darkened in fear.

"_Fine, it just happens if I move too quick, that's all." _She said, trying to brush it off, realising that this didn't help her earlier statement.

Hotch rolled his eyes. "_Right. So no more protests, you __**are**__ going to that appointment." _

JJ couldn't think of anything to say back so she just sunk back into the chair, still holding her stomach subconsciously.

"_You took your tablets today right?" _He asked.

"_Yup." _

"_Good. Probably nothing." _He said disregarding it.

"_It __**is**__ nothing." _She moaned.

"_Tea?" _Hotch asked, going to stand up.

"_You read my mind." _JJ responded, curling up a little into a ball to ease the sudden sharp pain. She'd had a few of these since she'd returned from the hospital; it really was nothing to worry about though the pain was awful. She had been shot; she couldn't expect it to not hurt after all.

"_Umm Hotch?" _She asked, a thought popping into her head.

"_Yeah?" _He called from the kitchen, the sound of china hitting the worktops filling JJ's ears.

"_If Spencer sees me tomorrow after his work, surely that would tie in with my appointment. Maybe he could take me?" _She put the idea out there, wondering how he would take it. Half of her still did want Hotch to go with her, and the thought of going with Spencer, no matter how close she was to him, was still scary. But the other half realised she couldn't become this reliant upon Hotch, and he also needed to go home, and to his work, so this lifted a few of his responsibilities.

Hotch was silent for a moment, she heard the rattling stop as he thought about the decision. JJ held her breath.

"_I guess." _He said loudly over the boiling of the kettle. "_Are you sure you're okay with that? You haven't seen him in a while." _He pointed out.

"_I know. I think it would be good. He could calm me down with positive statistics about medicine or something." _She said, trying to make it sound like a joke despite her fear.

She heard Hotch force a laugh. "_I'll give him a call, I'm sure he'd love to be able to help." _

"_It's a good step right?" _She asked, looking for confirmation as Hotch brought back two teacups, one with herbal for JJ, and one normal for him.

"_It is." _He said looking at her long and hard for a minute, trying to read her facial expressions.

"_Woah, this is all happening so quick." _She sighed, her hands wrapping around her mug.

"_The speed is all up to you." _He replied, sipping some of his own drink.

As the warmth filled her, JJ felt her eyes coming down in tiredness, Hotch saw this, and by the time she'd finished her tea, her empty mug lay in her lap as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

Hotch got up from the armchair and grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa, carefully draping it over her. She looked so peaceful whilst she slept. Unfortunately though, he knew that she was probably being plagued by the show that went on beneath her eyelids, and that sleep wasn't always as comforting as everyone else thought.

Sighing when he realised it was only midday, he decided he'd do some work. He'd seen a small room near JJ's bedroom with a desk and an office chair in, where JJ did a lot of paperwork at home. As he opened the door of the room, his briefcase in his hand, he noticed the stale smell to it and realised JJ must not have touched this room since that night. It made sense. The shelves were piled high with files. He casually picked one up and flicked through it, not flinching at the pictures of the stab wound on the male victim, knowing that was why she hadn't been in here. Her mind couldn't handle that yet, couldn't separate herself from all these other people now, knowing that her fate could have been the same.

As he sat down in her chair as quietly as he could, he got a file out of his own bag. Placing it down onto an empty space on the desk, he flicked it open, seeing the eyes staring back at him from the front page. The pale blue eyes.

He kept the file instead of storing it, because he felt like someday, JJ might want to know who the man properly was. Maybe looking at it from a profiling point of view may help her. He wasn't sure, but that's what he would do.

No matter how many times he got these pieces of paper out, and went over and over looking at the crimes, it didn't comfort him in this moment though. The damage was already done to JJ. And he wondered whether her progress really would last, or whether she would come spiralling down again, blinding by her brighter mood this morning.

* * *

><p>JJ came around slowly as she felt wetness on her face. Reaching her hand up, she realised it was tears. When her mind was working of its own accord, it always punished her. She was unable to control it whilst she slept, she felt vulnerable and unprotected.<p>

Though the dream was about her sister and made her cry remembering everything, she was starting to find solace in the vision of her face again. For so long now she'd kept it buried, that whenever it came to her, it was as if she was back there in that moment, as fresh as when it happened. She didn't have a split second on waking these days where she forgot what had happened. The permanent guilt lay across her heart like a slab of granite. She pushed the thought of the other children back into her mind.

Hotch wandered through silently just then, obviously coming to check on her. When he saw she was awake, he loosened off.

"_Oh you're up." _He stated, looking at her.

"_Yeah, sorry. This morning must have taken it out of me."_ She apologised, feeling rude for just falling asleep like that in front of him.

"_No worries. I got some work done." _He said, JJ saw a case file in his hands as he put it back into his bag. He stood back up and sat down.

"_I spoke to Reid." _He said simply.

"_Yeah?" _JJ questioned.

"_Yes. He's happy to see you. Thrilled even." _Hotch grinned, remembering Reid's excited tone on the other end of the phone.

"_Good." _JJ smiled back at Hotch, she felt a heat flood her as she realised she was making someone happy.

"_He'll pick you up at around four." _He said, going into boss-like mode.

"_Okay. Is there anything I need to take?" _JJ asked, suddenly feeling scared again at the thought of entering the sterile white building, the bleeping of monitors and the smell of disinfectant creeping back into her mind.

"_No, they'll probably just check your blood pressure, ask about your medicines, you know, just regular stuff." _He explained, sensing her worry.

JJ just nodded and tried not to let her panic show through.

"_Hotch I really do appreciate everything you've done. I know I keep saying it but..." _She trailed off, feeling like her gratitude would never be enough to put into words.

"_JJ, you were there for me when Haley died. I felt like I never got a chance to repay you. You kept the team functioning, you handled Strauss coming down heaviest on you whilst I wasn't in charge. You helped Morgan make the decisions, you're my saviour too." _He whispered now, his eyes stinging slightly at the painful memories. JJ's attention properly focused to his face now, feeling her own eyes watering as she smiled.

"_I guess we're getting even now then." _She said.

**A/N: I'm sorry again for the emotional, long winded chapter. I feel like I need to get these out the way in order for JJ's recovery. I thought about doing it in a "one month later" style, or a bit less, but then I thought that we've stuck with her through every other bit, I think people would be annoyed if I'm skipped loads. What do you think? Reid coming up in the next chapter! After all, Hotch does need to see Jack and go back to work too. Remember that she's not thinking about returning to work asap, it was simply the idea of her knowing what she wants to do with her life. Especially after Hotch, straight after Haley's funeral pretty much already decided that he was coming back. I know it's different but you know. Thanks for the reviews and taking the time to read this! I appreciate every single one :)**


	19. The Check Up and Check In

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while guys. I never want to force my writing if I'm feeling uninspired as I think it will definitely show. I try to never let it get past a week though even in my busy periods. **

**Also a few have been asking about the time frame roughly for this story. All I know is, it's after Haley's death and the Ian Doyle situation. JJ has come back to the BAU from the pentagon. HOWEVER, I will be using some scenarios from previous seasons to tie in some moments with JJ & Hotch but counting it as modern day. So disregard everything that happened to JJ ****through**** Henry/Will, because in this they don't exist. It sounds more confusing than it is, trust me.**

* * *

><p>JJ felt a certain relief throughout the rest of the day. She was beyond exhausted, yes, but something had lifted and made her head that little bit clearer, and her heart that little bit lighter. It wasn't until she was tucked up in bed later that night when her decision to go back to work hit her. The images flashed over her eyes quickly and blindingly: cases of murdered families, of kidnappings, the corpses of young children. She wasn't so sure she really had made the right decision after all...<p>

She snapped upright in bed, her hands suddenly clammy with the thought. She was being stupid, she didn't have to worry about that yet, it could be as far away as she needed it to be.

_**When will you ever be able to face that again JJ**__?_

"_Stop it." _She muttered to her inner monologue as she shook her head in the darkness of the room. Her eyes had seemed so heavy with tiredness before but her mind was fully awake again. Pushing the voice of doubt to the back of her mind, she suddenly realised that she had to go back to the hospital again tomorrow, and that was more real and terrifying right now. The thought of those claustrophobic rooms and the same staff members that saw her at her utter worst not long ago...she shuddered.

"_Spencer's gonna be there. Everything's going to be okay." _JJ chanted to herself as she got up and started pacing the room before heading to her bathroom to use the toilet out of nervousness. She was about to climb back into bed when she froze, listening to the noise coming from the lounge. Hotch was obviously still awake too. She listened as he clicked on the kettle. Half of her wanted to join him, to allow herself to be pulled out of her fears and let him comfort her. But the other half knew it wasn't right to keep him awake, he'd only worry about her unnecessarily, and she hated people seeing her as emotionally weak. So she clambered back into her bed and pulled up the covers, hoping that she'd fall asleep quicker than her mind could dig up and torture her with the suppressed memories.

* * *

><p>"<em>You sure you're going to be okay with Reid?"<em>

"_Hotch, I'll be fine." _

"_Okay, you do remember he's coming to get you at-"_

"_Around four o clock, got it got it." _JJ interrupted Hotch on the phone. He'd rang her from work at lunch time thinking that would be a safe time she was up. He hadn't heard it last night since they'd parted their ways. No screaming, no thrashing, no coming out of her room at all, hopefully that meant she'd slept well and that maybe the therapy was a good start.

"_Just checking." _He replied, gazing mildly out of his office window. He could see Rossi and Morgan talking over a case file, Prentiss sat at her computer and Reid scribbling something down furiously. The workload was now overtaking their emotional capacity and they'd decided obviously that the best way to channel their worries about their friend was to focus it into the relentless paperwork and forms.

"_I'm fine honestly. I've got my handbag packed, I've eaten the salad you made me, I've taken my tablets. I've showered. It's all okay." _JJ said somewhat secretly impressed with herself. Climbing into her shower this morning after Hotch had left for work had sent her heart racing. What if she tripped or fell whilst there was no one there, what if she was in so much pain she couldn't move? She'd had visions of Spencer letting himself into her apartment only to see her in that all familiar curled up ball on the bathroom floor. But despite her worries, she had been fine. And she'd felt so pleased with herself after it, that for a moment she forgot all the bad things in her life.

"_JJ you shouldn't have showered without someone in the house. I would have waited an extra half an hour." _Hotch chided gently but was still happy for her all the same. He was scared of leaving her. Scared that she'd break down and crumble within herself again, but she seemed to be fine...so far.

"_Hotch everything went smoothly, don't worry." _JJ assured him as she wandered through to the kitchen to make a hot drink. Hotch's voice seemed different on the phone than it had in person suddenly. It wasn't the same comfort as having him here, but she knew she needed to do this. She couldn't be selfish any longer.

"_Sure you don't want me back over tonight?" _He asked, putting it out there but knowing what her reply would be.

"_No, I'm fine, go home to Jack." _

He was spot on.

He waited a moment before resigning. "_Okay well if you're positive. If you need me, or anyone for that matter, don't be afraid to ask. I'll have my phone with me at all times." _He stated, looking down at his cell phone as he played with it between his fingers.

"_Will do, thanks Hotch, for everything." _She said. No matter how many times those words came out of her mouth she felt the meaning behind them was lost.

"_Anytime. Bye."_ He said abruptly putting down the phone as he saw Strauss walk into his office.

JJ heard the click on the other end of the line and suspected that someone needed him suddenly.

Walking to the bedroom, JJ picked up her handbag and looked inside to make sure she had everything she needed. She probably wouldn't be there that long, hopefully anyway, but she wanted to feel prepared for anything. And by the time Spencer came, she didn't want to be rushed and cause them to be late or miss the appointment, so it was better to do everything now.

"_Keys, hairbrush, tissues-"_ JJ stopped short when she caught a glimpse of her cell out the corner of her eye. It lay on the floor where she'd kept it ever since she'd got back home and not been able to face it. Sauntering over to the spot at the other side of the room, she gingerly picked up the piece of metal in her hands, treating it as if it was a bomb that may explode at any second. She sat down for a minute just looking at it and contemplating, before taking a deep breath in and reaching into the near drawer where she knew the charger was. As she plugged it in and flicked on the switch, she felt it vibrate against her skin, signalling it was ready.

_**JJ you can't hide from the outside world forever. **_

Flipping open the phone, she carefully pushed the power button and watch it come to life beneath her. After a moment, it went to her home screen with her plain blue background. It felt so alien in her hands, yet so familiar at the same time, it was a strange combination of feelings.

JJ jumped as the echo of the message tone rang through the air.

'**Prentiss cell'**

JJ's heart skipped a beat slightly as she realised she'd have to read the text message. She didn't want to be taken back to that place, seeing the date it was just a day after she'd gotten home from the hospital. She wasn't strong enough to see what she had to say. Another ring came out of the phone.

'**Missed call from Reid cell x6'**

She felt a wave of guilt wash over her, thinking of how much her friends were probably panicking whilst she sat as a motionless statue for days. More noises sounded as her screen was filled with awaiting messages and missed calls. Gathering her thoughts, she knew she had to face them, she had to face all of this. She clicked on one from Garcia.

'**Jayje I hope you're doing okay. It feels like forever since I've seen you. Please please just call or text me or anyone else back, we are all so worried! Love you, P xxxxxxx'**

JJ saw a glistening tear drop onto her screen, blurring the words.

* * *

><p>"<em>JJ!" <em>Spencer said in amazement, standing on the other side of the door. He felt like he'd been dreaming the whole ordeal. He hadn't seen her in so long, as each day went by, he had grown more and more worried and desperate to just see her face. Now that he was staring into it, he felt a gush of solace. His eyes watered and he stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with himself.

"_Spence!" _JJ said, genuine happiness running through her as she rushed forward to pull him into a tight hug. The bony feel of him, the smell of him, everything just reminded her of normality and it was the perfect remedy to her tearful afternoon going through old messages. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed his face until it was actually here in front of her. Drawing back from him after the physical affection started to feel claustrophobic to her, she looked into his eyes.

"_Don't cry, please." _She whispered, laughing lightly as she saw a tear fall, and felt one of her own to match his. She pulled a hand up to his face and brushed it away. He smiled back.

"_It's really good to see you. You look great." _Reid complimented taking in her state, it was true she looked so much healthier. The bruises and swelling were gone, the gauntness was getting better, and her eyes didn't look as buried into her mind as they had done at the hospital. Of course Reid knew she wasn't **great** as such and suddenly felt bad for saying that, becoming aware of everything she was probably feeling but not showing. Before he could apologise, JJ started to talk again.

"_Come in a minute, let me just grab my purse..."_ She trailed off as she wandered into her bedroom to get it. Reid stepped in and looked around her house, something seemed _different_ about it but he couldn't put his finger on it. JJ came back and saw him looking puzzlingly around her lounge.

She smiled. "_Hotch...tidied. I think." _JJ explained, rolling her eyes as she remembered all the washing up he'd done, and other stuff too when he thought she wasn't looking. Only trying to help her of course and JJ appreciated it. It was nice not to have to worry about the state of her house when people were coming in and out.

"_Ready to go?" _Reid asked holding up the car keys.

"_Oh god, I forgot you're driving." _JJ sighed, recalling the fact that the younger agent was never behind the wheel on any occasions, and there was a reason.

He laughed, his eyes sparkling as he saw the zest trickling back into his friend.

"_Not an SUV. Promise, I've been working on it." _He replied, stepping out of the door and letting JJ lock up. Before she closed the door, she took one last look around her apartment as if it may be her last. She hated the feeling of leaving her comfort zone, and her heart pace picked up as she felt the beginning of panic setting in. She took a deep breath, and shook off the feeling.

Once they were in the car, JJ felt so vulnerable all of a sudden. She realised she wasn't in control. She couldn't turn the car around if she wanted to, she was out here for everyone to see, she was unsafe. Her palms became clammy.

"_You okay JJ?" _Reid asked sensing the hesitation, but continuing to do up his seat belt.

"_What?" _She asked turning to face him. "_Yeah, yeah I'm fine." _She dismissed waving her hand around in what she thought was a nonchalant way, but Reid saw right through it.

"_It must be hard being out of your home for the first time since everything really." _He spoke, not knowing what else to say to comfort her in this moment. Emotions were his weak point.

JJ realised that Reid didn't know that Hotch had taken her to her first therapy yesterday. She contemplated telling him.

"_Hotch took me to therapy yesterday." _She said timidly, her voice wavering as she gazed out her own window, not wanting to face her friend.

"_Oh." _Reid's tone was shocked, and something else...hurt? He regained himself and turned to her before starting the engine. "_That's good. I'm glad you went. Did it help?" _He sounded more sincere this time.

JJ thought about this question a moment.

"_Yeah, you know what; I think this is really going to help me move forward." _She said smiling uncertainly; progress in any way to her felt unnerving, like it could all be snatched back at any second.

"_I'm so pleased to hear that. I've been so worried about you." _He said quietly, staring at the road ahead as they pulled out of the drive.

"_I know. I'm sorry." _JJ replied, not moving her eyes. She gripped the handles of her purse harder as she thought.

"_You don't have to be sorry..." _He said soothingly. "_You just had us panicked for a while. No one could reach you. Luckily though, Hotch seemed to come at the right time, which is good." _

JJ couldn't bring herself to respond so she simply hummed an acknowledgment to his statement.

"_We're all here for you JJ. You can __**always**__ ask for help from any of us. That's all we want to do. I know it's scary maybe seeing us all again, and leaving your house." _He thought hard before he turned on the indicator, trying to take all the other cars into account. Driving was something that didn't come naturally to him in practice, textbooks were a different story.

JJ crossed her arms and looked back over at Reid.

"_Please do not kill us on the way to the appointment." _She said suddenly.

Reid glanced at her and thankfully saw her smiling; her tone had seemed serious. He laughed.

"_Sorry. Rossi and I usually let you guys do it." _

"_And by you guys, you mean Hotch and Morgan." _JJ said sarcastically.

"_Typical alpha males." _Reid sighed, looking both ways before he turned down another road.

"_Is Strauss coming down on you all pretty hard?" _She asked, stroking her forearms absentmindedly, looking out the window at all the people walking by, wondering what they were doing, and where they were going.

"_Surprisingly, no. She's actually been rather understanding." _Reid said laughing nervously as he sensed the work talk coming, something Hotch had warned him to steer clear of.

"_She's showing...human emotions?" _JJ asked shocked. She'd pictured a rather different scenario in her mind of all of her co-workers feeling the wrath of Strauss due to the chaos surrounding them.

Reid just smiled as he concentrated on the road before him.

JJ could tell that he didn't want to talk anymore about the BAU, but she needed to know how things were going, and more importantly, she was starting to want to know now.

"_No cases? Why aren't you all off somewhere?" _She asked, poking for more.

Reid knew he couldn't get out of this, he wasn't exactly the dominating type, especially in conversation.

"_Err, Morgan, Rossi and I went to do some death row interviews. Research reasons, you know." _He elaborated shrugging. "_It's mostly paperwork at the moment. I think it may be a different story by Monday." _He realised he may have said too much.

"_Are there lots of cases coming in then? Who's going through them and deciding?" _JJ asked, fearful at the thought of Hotch trying to wade through the infinite pile of files covering her office at the bureau.

"_We're all helping. We're managing." _He replied, starting to feel bad for defying his boss' orders.

"_That's good." _JJ said after she was quiet for a minute.

"_Not that your job is easy or anything, let's just say I think Morgan appreciates what you do a lot more. I mean he did before, but now he realises how much you hold the team together." _Spencer felt himself blushing as he realised he was digging a deeper hole. After JJ hadn't spoken for a while, he turned to look at her, only to see her lip quivering and her big blue eyes watering.

"_Oh god, JJ, I'm so so sorry." _He said, glancing between the traffic in front of him and her. He didn't know what to do to help.

"_Did I say something? Wha-what did I say?" _He desperately asked.

JJ tried to stifle her sobs and get her composure back but as she took a breath in to talk, she felt the tears take over. She swore to herself she wouldn't cry in front of Spencer, he'd take it too personally.

"_Honestly Spence, it's nothing you've done." _She whimpered, going into her purse and pulling out a tissue, thankful she packed them earlier.

"_I must have done something. Oh I really didn't mean to make you upset. I didn't think, I shouldn't have been talking about work." _He felt a lump come into his own throat at the sight of her.

"_I brought it up!" _She exclaimed, dabbing at her eyes. She'd actually worn the tiniest bit of mascara today which was starting to smear a little under her eyes.

"_Is there anything I can do? We're nearly there." _He said, looking at a road sign.

"_No no, I'm okay." _Taking the tissue she scrunched it up in her fist, sniffing and trying to blink away the tears as they pulled into the hospital car park.

Once the car had been parked, they both sat there for a minute in the silence. They had a while before she needed to go in, they'd arrived with plenty of spare time to take traffic into consideration. Arriving early just gave JJ more time to think though which she regretted now. She drew a couple of heavy breaths.

"_It's okay to be scared." _Reid said, breaking the peace.

"_I'm not scared, I'm fine." _JJ said as defiantly as she could but the fear still showed.

"_You know, sixty percent of patients that come for in-patient care are-"_

"_Spence." _JJ interjected waving her hand to stop him. She needed to just settle her thoughts a minute. Reid looked expectantly at JJ, his mouth still open from his speech.

"_If this is going to be something really unhelpful to me right now, even if you don't think it will be, please just stop." _She said sharply, and realising she was being too harsh, offered him a smile.

"_Sorry. I just need to think for a while, before I go in." _She apologised.

"_Sure, okay." _Reid said shrinking back in his seat; luckily he didn't look too hurt. He obviously was just taken aback from his interruption of his rant. Something Hotch had to continuously do to him as he had a tendency to go off topic.

They sat there for another moment. JJ stared out of her window. The evening was not a typical winter's evening in DC. The ice was delicately laid out over the sidewalks and roads in a thin sheet, a mixture between beautiful and glistening, and deadly and dangerous. She glanced at the temperature gage on the car and saw that it was colder than it normal was, though the sun still shone brightly, lighting up the horizon and keeping the trace of ice at bay from becoming anything more. . Looking at the time simultaneously, she knew she'd have to go in. If she didn't make that decision now, like ripping off a band aid, she'd never go in.

"_I should go in now." _JJ said going to get out of the car, Reid unbuckled his seatbelt and nimbly hopped out of his side. JJ looked at him, puzzled.

"_What? You don't think I'm going to let you go in on your own did you?" _He asked, slinging his shoulder bag from work across his body and pulling his purple scarf up a little closer around him until it touched his Adam's apple.

Normally JJ would argue, but right now she was so scared of going back into this place that it was probably for the best that he came with her. Closing the car doors, they set out across the sheet of ice covering the ground, taking extra care with their footing. The sun's beam tickled her cheek and kept her from feeling too cold. If this was October, what would the dead of winter be like? She put it down to global warming, messed up weather. JJ had only become aware of what month it was this morning, when she'd turn on the radio to drown out her own worries before Spencer came to get her. They'd announced the date briefly and spoke of Halloween which had made JJ do a double take; she could barely remember September...

As Reid read his way around the hospital, until he found the right ward and checked in with the receptionist for her, JJ didn't even remember the specifics of the place. It was a good job she had Reid with her, the last time she was here she was panicking so much about going home, and still spaced out from the morphine, that she couldn't take in her surroundings.

The woman held out a form for JJ to sign. They didn't need anything much this time since last time they'd done extensive information taking, and not too long ago either.

They went to sit down in a couple of empty chairs, and Reid noticed the twitching of JJ's leg.

"_You've got nothing to be nervous about, it's all going to be normal." _Reid assured her, reaching into his bag and awkwardly getting out a novel of some sorts.

"_I know, I'm not nervous." _JJ said as firmly as she could, but she knew that being in front of a profiler, it was pointless. She stilled her twitching, and chewed on the inside of her mouth, hoping he wouldn't catch onto her other habit.

"_Did you know there are two hundred and thirteen Federal Government hospitals?" _Reid suddenly asked, bringing JJ out of her mind again. This was so typical Spencer, she couldn't help but smile. The disinfectant smell was filling her head, and she was starting to feel a little woozy. She focused on his voice and the expression within it, trying to distract herself.

"_Wow." _She said, clearly sarcastic, not that Reid noticed.

"_Yeah." _Reid carried on, obviously excited that he'd caught her attention with this fact. "_The total expenses for all registered US hospitals in 2012 was over 750 __**million**__ dollars." _He emphasised his own excitement for being able to recite this.

"_How do you even know th- you know what, I'm not even going to ask." _She halted herself as she saw Reid go to answer her question at first. Picking up a nearby magazine, she aimlessly flicked through the pages, the words and pictures a blur of colours as she went back and forth.

"_Jennifer Jareau." _

JJ looked up to see one of her doctors she'd seen before, looking down on her. It wasn't the woman who she'd seen a lot of though. It was a young man, probably around her age, maybe a couple of years older. He had short brown hair and hazel eyes, and dark rimmed oversized glasses balanced on the end of his nose as he held his clipboard.

"_Um." _JJ looked at Reid and back at the doctor. "_How long will this take roughly?" _She asked, hoping it didn't look obvious that she was asking for her sake, and not her cover's, Reid's.

"_Well, we're going to have to run a few tests. We'll try not to keep you for too long." _He said smiling and motioning for her to follow him. JJ left her bag with Spencer, before giving him a nod of affirmation. He seemed worried for her, like he should go with her. She knew it was for the best that he didn't though.

JJ was led to a small consulting room where she took the chair next to the Doctor's desk.

"_I'm sure you remember me Miss Jareau, I'm Doctor Parson, I checked on you a few times when you were in here last." _

JJ nodded her head, not trusting her tone of voice to say anything in reply. She'd give herself a way, and right now she was working very hard to not cry, she wasn't even sure why...something about this place and these people.

"_How have you been since you've gone home?" _He asked, leaning forward and taking a pen out of his pocket.

"_Fine." _JJ said reflexively. He glared up at her, knowing she didn't mean to do it.

"_The truth, and a little more elaborated please Miss Jareau." _He sighed, but still smiled.

JJ steadied her head by breathing deeply through her nose. She wrung her hands together.

"_Well, my stomach pain is a lot better. Still some pain when I twist or move suddenly. But it's a lot better." _She mumbled, desperate to say anything that would just please him and get her out of here and back home.

"_Not uncommon, should be nothing to worry about, I'll check it out though. Obviously it tore through lots of tissue and has a knock on effect. You were shot after all; we can't expect miracles straight away. I think you used up your share being alive!" _He said chuckling and scribbling away not realising that the sentence made JJ flinch.

"_How is your sleep?" _

"_I don't really sleep." _JJ said feeling uncomfortable for sharing too much, she was dreading this feeling like a therapy session.

"_Due to pain, nightmares, or just plain insomnia?" _He asked casually, still not looking up, but down at his clipboard.

"_I guess a bit of everything. Mostly nightmares." _She shuddered at the thought.

"_I can give you some sleeping tablets to help. Not a permanent solution, but just for now so your body can have a helping hand to heal." _He added.

JJ wasn't sure if she wanted these or not, but she knew if she accepted them now it'd get him off her back a bit. His hurriedness and callousness unsettled her a little.

"_I see your bruises have healed. Let me just have a closer look..." _He wheeled his chair over and inspected her face. After some gently prodding and examining, he concluded that everything was fine. He then asked her to read out some letters from the wall and looked into her eyes with a torch.

"_Everything good on this front." _He noted. JJ nodded, feeling relieved, though it didn't take a doctor to tell her that, she could see for herself that her face swelling had gone down.

"_Okay, now I need to see your stomach, would you mind just hopping on that bed for me please and lifting up your shirt?" _Doctor Parsons asked gesturing toward the bed in the middle of the room. JJ's mind raced, this was the bit she had been dreading, exposing herself. Not being able to hide behind the clothing, her mark on show for all to see, to judge. She rubbed her sweaty palms on her jeans and got up, going to lie on the bed.

He came over with gloves on and placed a hand on her stomach as the other one poked at the scar.

JJ kept her eyes scrunched tight and tried to block out all sound as she concentrated on not letting herself think about it too much. She could sometimes kid herself that it wasn't there until she **had** to see it. She wasn't up to it today. Suddenly grimacing when she felt a pain, she opened her eyes to see him standing over her.

"_Everything normal, don't worry. The pain you're experiencing is just a result from the surgery most likely as it was extremely invasive. I'll give you some stronger painkillers if you'd like? Though they'll make you a little drowsy." _He went back over to the clipboard and continued writing notes down.

JJ slowly sat up, pulling her sweater down over her stomach again, not looking at it. She was relieved, this meant she could go home, and be left alone. It would also put Hotch's mind at rest probably more than hers. She wondered how long they'd been in here, was Spencer worrying too?

"_Of course, I'll get an Ultrasound tech to come and take a quick look to see how it's healing from the inside. Won't take long. But before that, I'd just like to take a small blood sample quickly." _The doctor spoke, coming over to JJ with a small cardboard tray containing the packaging for a needle.

JJ cringed noticeably, she hated needles. It was one of the things she was really scared of. As a teenager, she'd been anaemic. Consistently having to have her blood checked was a nightmare for her. The nurse would book three slots out just to make sure she didn't go over on anyone else's appointment time. JJ felt ridiculous for this phobia. After everything they saw it made it stupid to be afraid of anything.

All the things she **used** to see.

The doctor picked up the packaging, and pushed his glasses further up his nose.

"_Do we have to? I feel fine honestly." _JJ said, starting to panic more. She hadn't thought that they would do this stupidly. She thought it'd be purely physical. Her heartbeat picked up a notch and she felt her emotion slipping through.

"_We have to check your white blood cell count, make sure there's no infection and that everything else is working fine." _He said, suddenly aware that her mood had changed and becoming a bit hesitant to how she would react.

"_I'm sorry, I really can't do this today, can I come back another?" _She said, feeling dizzy and faint quickly. The dread just looking at the package made her feel weak. She wanted her bed.

"_It needs to be done today Jennifer." _He said calmly, guessing internally how he was going to have to play this.

JJ clutched her arm tighter, as if to stop him from piercing her skin with the tiny prick.

"_Please." _She whimpered. JJ had got herself worked up just coming over here, she needed a break emotionally, and she felt too drained.

"_How about I go get your friend from out there, would that help you?" _He asked.

JJ suddenly felt like she was being patronised so much, she was immediately whisked back to childhood memories. However the thought of Spencer being in here with her, as silly and childish as it was, made her feel better about the whole thing. Spence was her best friend, he'd understand.

When she didn't answer, the doctor already took this as a yes and brought Reid into the room. Reid wore a huge smile on his face as he took in the room, memorising the posters on the walls and the titles of the books on the shelf subconsciously.

He saw the look on JJ's face and straight away felt guilty for being so happy for being needed. He knew of JJ's phobia. When they'd had to get physicals as a regular check up for the bureau, he'd seen her panic before and after she was in there having it done. He gathered she'd normally brave it, but today she just wasn't up to it.

"_Don't worry about it." _He murmured sitting next to her on a chair by her legs as she sat on the edge of the bed. JJ knew he understood that she was about to apologise.

"_You won't even feel it Miss Jareau, you've had some whilst being here the other week, don't worry." _The doctor spoke, holding up the needle and raising it to her arm. JJ closed her eyes and whimpered, aware of how naive this all was.

"_Can I watch?" _Reid asked, fascinated and eagerly leaning forward.

"_Spence!" _JJ exclaimed, clearly not amused with how much he didn't care in comparison to her. She knew he wasn't doing it to be rude though, he would genuinely find it interesting. After a moment she laughed a bit.

"_Sorry."_ He mumbled but joined in with her as he realised how careless he was being.

Reid held onto her other hand and squeezed it a little as the doctor approached her skin.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sure it's okay if I come in? You look a little queasy." <em>Reid said as he walked JJ to her apartment door. JJ fumbled for her keys in the coldness of the evening.

"_We haven't seen each other in ages, just a little while." _She reassure him, feeling tired beyond words and thinking of the sleeping tablets that lay in her purse. She didn't want to let Reid down; he'd probably been so looking forward to seeing her. Luckily it was a Friday night and the BAU had the weekend off (unless plans changed, as normal).

Reid beamed at her and they walked into her house. She went around flicking on all the lights quickly; hating the darkness and the empty feeling it gave her.

"_I promise I won't stay long. Hey! There's a programme on the Discovery channel tonight about theories of evolution, it looked really good. Do you wanna watch it?" _He asked excitedly.

JJ put all her stuff down, taking off her coat, Reid following. "_Sure." _She tried to say as enthusiastically as she could. It was helping having Spencer here; she guessed it was less time she had to be alone. Surely it was better for her, and everyone else, if she at least hid or postponed her breakdowns for as long as she could.

"_Hey it's just starting!" _He exclaimed as he flicked on the TV after finding the remote. JJ went into the kitchen area.

"_Do you want a drink?" _She asked, calling through.

"_Oh shoot sorry. Here I'll get some." _He said walking over to her, looking upset with himself.

"_Hey Spence. I've been given the all clear. I'm fine, I can make a drink." _She said, going to get the glasses. "_You'll miss the beginning, go, I got this." _She laughed, pouring some juice into them.

She sat with Reid for the next hour, willing her eyes to stay open long enough to make it through the programme, knowing that he'd drive home afterwards. She appropriately hummed in agreement when he made statements about how Darwin was laughed at in his time for his ridiculous ideas, she pretended to listen as he reasoned with religion and theories, bringing in knowledge from his philosophy degree that he was nearly finished working on. Her eyes fluttered shut and she forced them open again. By the time the credits rolled, she was barely awake.

Reid turned to her smiling, and her eyes flew open again.

"_That was great." _He stated.

"_Yeah." _JJ agreed, not even sure what they'd watched. Reid sat next to her on the couch, and he turned off the TV, knowing he had to go home but thankful for the time JJ had let him spend with her.

"_Thanks for everything tonight Spence, you were really helpful." _She said, trying to round up the evening, but wanting to get in her gratitude at the same time.

"_Not a problem. I'm so glad I got to see you. It just feels like too long." _He replied, not making an attempt to get up. He looked like he wanted to say something more, so JJ waited.

"_Hey JJ." _He started, then cleared his throat. She patiently waited for him to continue. "_What you went through was awful, and I think you're so strong the way you keep fighting it, not letting him win." _Reid spoke, his words so powerful in the silence of the room. JJ looked deep into his chocolate eyes and saw the pity and worry that she so hated to see.

"_Thank you." _She said, reaching out and squeezing his hand this time.

He got up, and wrapped himself back up for the awaiting wintery air outside.

"_Can I see you again soon?" _He asked, obviously not wanting to leave and not knowing when he'd get to visit again.

"_Of course. I'm just trying to ease myself back into socialising, so I don't know when. But I do need to see everyone. I'm grateful for everything you've all done for me. Let them know that." _She whispered now, though the heaviness of the conversation remained.

"_Yeah." _He breathed smiling still. "_I miss you." _Reid added.

"_You too." _She replied, stroking his arm affectionately, not wanting to really get into another hug right now. She was too drained.

"_Sure you're okay on your own?" _He asked one last time before heading to the door.

"_Why do people keep asking that?" _She said annoyed but tried to make it as light as possible to show she wasn't angry at him specifically. "_Honestly, I'll just go crash now, I'll be fine." _JJ promised him. It was the truth, she was terrified truthfully of being alone, and not knowing what would happen now, but she did want solitude too. She needed it.

"_Call me if you need me." _

"_Have a good weekend. Love you Spence." _JJ added lovingly.

"_You too." _He said before skipping outside and to his car. JJ saw him falter a little on the ice, before getting into it and driving away.

She went back over to her purse and got out her tablets and phone that she would take with her to the bedroom. Her eyes were like lead now, dead-weights pulling her down. Glancing at the sleeping pills, she tossed them aside deciding that she would probably sleep soundly tonight without them.

And with that she curled up in bed.


	20. The Notebook And Realisation

**Review as always please, I love knowing what you think. They've been slowing down a lot lately; hope I'm not doing anything wrong! Please correct me if you think I am :) **

**P.S If you haven't seen the movie The Notebook (and want to) then there is a spoiler in this chapter...**

"_Oh my god Jayje, I have missed your glorious face in my life recently." _Garcia declared, gently stroking JJ's arm as they sat in her living room. She told herself that the touch was comforting; it wasn't meant to be an intrusion of personal space. She could do this.

"_I've missed you guys so much. I'm so so so sorry." _JJ replied, looking at both Prentiss and Garcia. Every time she saw their faces she couldn't help but light up. These girls meant everything to her.

"_I'm so pleased you're doing better. You look...different." _Prentiss shrugged, thinking of the right word. "_Healthier." _

Garcia nodded in agreement as she clutched her coffee.

"_So everything's okay on the medical front? The test results are all clear?" _She asked her as Prentiss gazed at JJ too.

"_Yeah, the doctor rang this morning. The bloods should take a couple of days but they've put them under high priority so fingers crossed I get them soon." _JJ answered, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach.

"_Everything will be fine, don't worry." _Prentiss said lovingly as she took a sip of her own drink.

"_So...it's a Saturday, and no work, for now, shall we have a movie day?" _Garcia asked excitedly, pushing her black square glasses back up her nose.

JJ didn't have to think of the answer. She knew it was unfair to them if she told them the truth, that she was still worn out from yesterday's hospital ordeal and the evening with Reid, she knew she had to keep going for them. Plus, the thought of being on her own right now was actually scarier than she usually felt. It was good to have company. Things had been going so well lately in light of everything. She couldn't afford to fall back now.

"_Pen, a few hours with us is a lotta work. JJ, it's fine we can just chat for a while instead." _Prentiss said apologetically, realising that maybe she wasn't up for it just yet.

JJ pushed through a smile. "_No, I really want to. What have you got in mind?" _

Garcia beamed, as did Prentiss. It'd been so long since they'd spent proper time together outside of work. All of them missed it. Their trio was inseparable normally, and the last few weeks had pained the other girls just as much as they watched their best friend wither away and suffer as much as she had. But as Prentiss' eyes gazed over JJ's features, she really could see the drastic improvement. What had Hotch done to make her so well when he'd come to stay?

The whole team had slightly raised their eyebrows at the news of Hotch rushing to JJ so eagerly, but dismissed it as him being generous. He and JJ after all, were both in different but equal ways in charge of the team and it's smoothly-running efficiency. It was only natural that he'd want to help her. The weird part was that JJ had **let** him, when she hadn't any of the others. She tried not to think about it too much though, it wasn't personal, JJ probably just didn't feel up to seeing anyone else then, and rightly so.

Garcia leaned down into her purse that was by her ankles, rummaged for a moment and then resurfaced clutching a DVD case. JJ smiled at her preparedness.

"_The Notebook?" _Prentiss asked cringing but laughing at the same time. She detested the whole sappy romance theme in movies. She'd rather have a sci-fi or thriller any day.

"_Oh c'mon! It's a truly beautiful movie. PLUS it has Ryan Gosling in, who can say no?" _Garcia whined to them.

"_JJ it comes down to you. Do you want to watch two hours of this?" _Prentiss said as she gave JJ a sardonic look.

"_Do not drag me into this. I really don't care. If Penelope wants to watch it, stick it in. And Em, I guess you'll have to just block your ears on the corny parts." _JJ replied jokingly as she nudged Emily's arm. She rolled her eyes back.

"_Fine." _She muttered but smiled under her breath as she leant back on the sofa. JJ sat in the middle of them both.

"_Should we make a snack first? It's gonna go into lunch time." _Garcia suggested, pleased that she'd gotten her way, and ecstatic at the thought of spending a few more hours here with her loved ones.

"_Good idea. I need to take my tablets anyway; I'll go into the kitchen and make some popcorn?" _JJ asked looking at them both for approval, though she knew what the exact answers would be.

"_Salty." _Prentiss stated at the same time as Garcia opened her mouth to talk.

"_Sweet." _

"_Thought so." _JJ smiled and walked away from them, hoping she'd have some of each somewhere in the back of her cupboards. They usually took it in turns at each of their places so were always well stocked. The normality of this memory gave JJ a bittersweet feeling inside. Like that of looking through old photographs and feeling the taste of nostalgia on the tip of your tongue.

As JJ busied herself in the kitchen making the snacks and more drinks, as well as taking her tablets, she couldn't help but panic at the thought of her bloods coming back soon. They'd be satisfactory, of course they would.

_**But what if? **_

A small voice crept into the back of her mind but she discarded it. The Doctor had felt around her tummy, a surgical consult had come in and checked how her scar was healing and removed the tiny stitches that remained. Everything had looked good they had said. There was no reason to worry.

She leant back against the counter and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a tension headache coming on. Downing the rest of the water in her glass and filling it up with some more, she heard the call of Garcia from the lounge.

"_Are you coming JJ?" _

She rubbed her temples before reaching for the food to bring through.

"_Yeah, sorry." _She said back to her. Just then, she heard a noise coming from her bedroom. Realising it was her cell that she'd probably left in there, she walked through to it, shouting back to her friends.

"_One second, my phone's ringing." _

Her heart picked up a quicker pace as she remembered the doctor and the uncanny timing with her thoughts. But all worries disintegrated as she saw who's name it was on the screen. Flicking it open she held it to her ear.

"_Hotch." _She breathed a sigh of relief.

"_JJ, hi." _He greeted her back. It had felt like forever since she'd heard his voice even though she knew it could only have been a couple of days at the most. He was the one who'd probably gone back to the bureau telling the girls it was more likely they could visit now, especially after they'd come into the knowledge that Spencer had taken her to her appointment.

"_I was just ringing to make sure everything went okay yesterday." _He spoke, his voice teetering on the edge of curiosity.

"_Yeah, as far as I know. Doctor said everything looked as it should do. I'm just waiting for some results back from my blood tests over the next couple of days, that's all." _She replied, and she couldn't figure out why it felt so right to hear him talk back to her. She felt so calm and reassured with him.

"_That's good, I'm glad to hear." _Hotch said after a minute. JJ could hear rustling in the background and knew he was most likely simultaneously working on something even though he was supposed to be enjoying his weekend with Jack.

"_The girls are over." _JJ stated, feeling the need to prove to him how well she was doing. Though to prove to him, or herself, she wasn't sure.

"_Great." _He said, seeming genuinely pleased. "_Make sure not to overdo yourself though, I'm sure they'll leave if you feel tired." _Hotch warned gently.

"_Hotch, I'm fine honestly. I slept surprisingly well last night. I'm okay." _JJ replied just as she heard a voice from the lounge.

"_Jayje, please don't make me watch this alone!" _ She heard Emily's voice call out mockingly. She felt rude suddenly for abandoning her friends when they'd waited so patiently to see her after all this time.

"_Hotch, I've gotta go. I can call you back later. Enjoy your weekend with Jack." _JJ said, wanting to bring the conversation to an end, knowing that Hotch wasn't much of a casual phone conversation person anyway.

"_Keep me up to date with your results, and remember if there's anything I can do..." _He trailed off, knowing she knew the rest.

"_Yup, got it. Thanks." _She replied gratefully, flipping the phone cover back down as she walked back through to the lounge to see that they'd already gotten the supplies from the kitchen and were poised to start. Prentiss saw the phone in JJ's hand.

"_Who was it?" _She asked casually.

It took JJ a minute to realise what she was talking about.

"_Oh, just Hotch. He was just making sure everything went okay yesterday, that's all." _She dismissed a little too nonchalantly. Garcia and Prentiss noted this but kept quiet, though Prentiss raised an eyebrow slightly to her when JJ wasn't paying attention.

"_Right, are we going to get this over with or not?"_ She asks sarcastically, as she plonked herself down between her two best friends, grateful that she could spend a couple of hours in the life of someone else and out of her own mind. Her mind that had whirring thoughts bouncing around in the back of her head like a dormant wasp hive, waiting to attack.

* * *

><p>The picture of the couple with their fingers entwined as they lie in bed filled the screen. Garcia opened a packet of tissues and dabbed at her purple mascara that's now lining her cheeks, Prentiss remained stoic throughout, not even flinching, and JJ sitting in the middle, suddenly began to panic. She wasn't prepared for this. Sure she'd seen the movie before, but when things were different. Would she be able to hold up during this end scene? The thought of having to experience death again, even in another way unsettled her, and one of the wasps tries to get to the surface and sting her thoughts...<p>

Garcia seemed to realise this at the same moment as JJ does. She turned to her suddenly, looking embarrassed and shocked.

"_Oh my god Jay, I'm so sorry, I forgot that this...I can't believe I didn't think about..." _She says fluttering her hands around for the remote. Prentiss realised and eyed JJ, looking out for signs that she was distressed.

Wringing her hands together tightly, JJ swallowed deeply.

"_No, honestly it's all good. I can do this." _She murmured, not trusting her voice. She had to test the waters some time; she can't be like this for the rest of her life.

Garcia looked at her for a minute before continuing.

"_If you're sure." _She said quietly, her cheeks flushed as she realised her stupidity in her film choice. Something a little happier wouldn't have gone a miss. She was so used to not having to think. God everything had changed so much.

JJ resumes staring at the screen. Feeling the familiar lump in her throat as she sees the scene unravelling before her eyes, she uses everything she can to keep from letting her emotions wash over her. She can't fall back into the pit again, she can't. It's too steep to climb out of, she's not strong enough again.

"_I remember." _The elderly woman whispers on screen as a tear falls down her face. JJ begs that her own body isn't reflecting hers. She bits down on the inside of her cheek hard until she can taste blood. It works though; she feels no wetness taint her eyes as she focuses on remaining composed for her friends.

By the time the movie has ended, Garcia is drowning in her own sobs, Prentiss rolled her eyes.

"_Why do you want to put yourself through that Penelope if you cry every time?" _She asked, handing her more tissues from a box on the coffee table. Garcia sniffed into it and turned to look at them.

"_Because it's so heartfelt and tragically beautiful, I just love it so much." _She explains between blowing her nose. Prentiss laughs and nudges JJ.

"_Hey, you okay?" _She asked, suddenly serious.

"_Yeah, fine, why?" _JJ replied coming out of her own thoughts.

"_You just got really quiet through the last half. No comments on how gorgeous Ryan is, nothing." _Emily explained, her dark eyebrows pulled together tightly in concern.

"_Sorry, I know I'm not much fun to be around at the moment." _She waved her hand trying to look casual but her voice threatened to give way.

"_JJ, do you want to talk about it? You know you can with anything with us right?" _Garcia joins in, leaning forward and taking one of JJ's hands in her own. JJ visibly flinched at the touch and then, feeling guilty, she took Garcia's hand back into hers again.

"_I really appreciate everything everyone's done for me, and doing. I love all of you so much. It's just taking me a while, to...get over my own mind I guess." _She tried to explain, carrying on breathing deeply so she didn't lose total control of herself.

"_Sorry about the whole touch thing too, I don't really understand it, but my therapist thinks it's because my mind is too raw with everything. And at the moment, I kind of see it as non-comforting, and more confrontational. I know it's the most ridiculous thing ever, trust me. I don't get it." _She spilled, feeling the words come freely out of her mouth. She instantly felt a little better at telling them what was on her mind, she really used to be a private person.

**Used to be.**

"_JJ, you don't have to justify anything to us. I think it's amazing you're going through therapy, and amazing you're coming to terms in your own way with what's happened. It must be tough but we, like everyone else in the team, are your family of sorts, and we're going to help you if you let us."_ Prentiss poke calmly, enunciating every syllable so as to make JJ understand. And for once, after everything everyone had ever said, it was finally starting to seep through into her brain.

"_I know, I don't know what I'd do without you right now. You're all my lifeline in your own little ways." _JJ shrugged feeling her eyes prickle.

"_And you're ours. So please get better soon, because we miss you!" _Garcia gushed, her tears still flowing. Emily gave her a look to tell her she was pressuring her too much, but JJ shook her head.

"_I'm trying, for all of you. I don't know how long it will be, but I can tell you now, I'm coming back." _

* * *

><p>The car pulled up mid morning outside JJ's apartment. She'd been ready for the last two hours, and though she felt nervous at the prospect of leaving her house, she knew where she was going was for the best. As she hovered by the door, putting on her jacket for the cool air outside (that had warmed up a little from last week), she heard the doorbell ring. Unlocking the door and opening it, she smiled.<p>

"_Hey there JJ." _

"_Derek. It's so good to see you." _She said grinning. Not having explained the whole no-touching thing to him yet as she hadn't seen him, she felt she had to give him a hug of some sorts. He was doing her a huge favour taking time off work this morning to take her to her therapy. So as she closed the door behind her, grabbing her purse, she leant into him slightly. Morgan noted this and put his arm around her as they walked to the SUV. She didn't make the contact for long but thought it would be enough to get her point across.

Once they got into the car, she turned to him.

"_Seriously, I cannot thank you enough for this. They still won't let me drive with my medication and stuff. Oh god, I cannot bear to think what Strauss is making of all of this. I feel awful." _JJ rambled feeling like her words weren't enough and picturing the section chief taking off her glasses in her menacing way and grilling Hotch over team absences.

"_JJ, do not worry, we got this. Hotch is letting us off to help you no problem. We've had mostly local cases at the moment anyway. I am just so happy I get to see you." _He said smoothly and looking her up and down. "_You look good." _He noted.

"_Thanks. I feel...good, kind of." _JJ smiled back and ignored her slight qualms about her trip. "_I haven't seen you in so long, I feel bad. I missed you." _She said light-heartedly as he turned the keys in the ignition and the engine roared to life.

"_We all miss you around, trust me." _He smiled as he pulled out of the drive. "_I heard your results were all clear from the docs." _Morgan added.

"_Yeah. They rang me a couple of days ago, all clear." _She sounded, remembering that the only thing was she was a little anaemic again, something they'd keep an eye on. But with the amount she hadn't been eating, she wasn't surprised. Nothing a few tablets couldn't fix after all.

"_Let's get you to this appointment then." _

JJ clicked her seatbelt in and felt genuinely glad that she'd got a chance to see Derek this morning. Though they were quite opposites in the way they handled things, he'd always been there to look out for her; on cases, and in real life. They didn't see each other much, but the trust and bond was there. Plus she felt it was almost doing him a favour as much as it was her.

After coming out of her session, JJ felt somewhat refreshed. She had managed to wipe away the tears and let the puffiness of crying go down from her face in there so Morgan wouldn't have to see her this way. She needed people to see her getting better, not the moments that helped her get this way. JJ was coming to terms with the fact that it truly was okay to cry for what happened, and that accepting the past is a huge influencer in your attitude to the future.

Once he'd driven her home and made sure she was okay, he'd gone straight back to work. Luckily it hadn't been a very long session, even though it was only her second. She knew there'd been improvement already, she could feel it; a steadier flow of blood through her veins and less adrenaline at the thought of going back to that night, that awful, nightmarish, horrible night. The doctor had taken her back and told her she needed to stop repressing and internalizing it, instead letting it play out in her conscious rather than her unconscious. It all made a bit more sense now, and it was tough, but she knew she could do it. She had a list of goals she wanted, that she'd made just then in the session, and she planned on working towards them. The psychiatrist would report back to Strauss and Hotch most likely, keeping it brief. The thought of Hotch being kept informed of her most private moments unsettled her but she reminded herself that he wouldn't know everything, and that it was good because it was keeping her closer to eventually, returning to work.

Once JJ had walked in and taken off her coat and scarf, she glanced at the clock: time to take more medicine. She couldn't believe it was Thursday already, it felt like just yesterday that the girls were round watching the movie. She hadn't seen anyone else for the last four days. On Sunday morning, the team had been called out on a case but here in DC. They'd luckily solved and cleared it within that short space of time. JJ didn't know another team that could have pulled off something so efficiently and professionally in that time. Her heart did pang at the thought of not being with them, something that shocked her but pleased her as well at the new emotion she was feeling.

As the day dragged on, JJ found that she was bored and in need of a distraction desperately. She knew the team would be working hard with the aftermath of the paperwork from the latest case, so socialising was out of the question. Feeling the sudden urge to seek the freshness of the air outside, she picked up her outdoor clothing again, and wrapping herself up more than necessary so she wouldn't feel a slightest touch of the cold, she stepped outside.

The vulnerability washed over her in waves but she thrust her hands into her pocket, feeling the coolness of her cell under her fingers and the keys for her house in the other, and carried on walking. Pushing the thoughts of isolation into the back of her mind, she decided she would circle her block. She knew it well; she would always come out for walks after a particularly rough case. The rhythm of her feet pounding against the concrete and the rise and fall of her chest and breath would be enough to calm her down. She realised walking alone made her unsafe in everything she knew but she had to try, had to keep pushing on, so she began her route. Already, the bundled up nerves tight in her stomach were beginning to loosen much quicker than she expected.

Maybe things could actually eventually be okay.

But then she remembered her feelings, and it dawned on her that was she was feeling was not okay.

Because the person she missed the most, was the person who she shouldn't miss the most with this particular mix of feelings.

She longed more than anything to see his face, to hear his voice, and she couldn't tell where this was coming from. It confused her endlessly. She'd hoped the last few days he would call, or drop by...but he never did. Obviously busy with the work overload of course. Maybe it was her fragile state when he'd come swooping in, so calm and strong that she'd begun to look at him in a different light, or maybe it was there all along.

She cursed herself as she realised how stupid she was being. She couldn't she simply couldn't, it was **Hotch.** She was just vulnerable and weak and needed someone to redirect some sort of feelings on. But she remembered the feel of electricity as he lay his hand on her back... but it was **Hotch. **

Exactly, it was Hotch.


	21. The Brief Meeting

As JJ rounded the last corner to her apartment, her chest became heavy, and her stomach dropped with dread. The person that had occupied her thoughts for the last few blocks, let alone days, was pulling up at the front of her home.

"_Crap." _JJ muttered under her breath as she contemplated turning around and walking some more, hoping he'd ring the doorbell, realise she wasn't in and leave. Though that probably wasn't an option, he'd be convinced that she was hurt or something and probably barge his way through, if not just come back again later. How long could she really avoid him for? She suddenly felt guilty. This wasn't his fault. It was hers. It was her emotions that were up in the air, that she needed to take control of and figure out.

She drew in a deep breath, pulled her collar up around her neck a little tighter, and made her way forward, seeing Hotch climb out of the car at the same time. He was dressed in his normal work attire, and as he turned to lock the car, he caught sight of her.

"_Oh hey Hotch." _JJ said, trying to sound casual and composed but all she wanted to do was get inside and lock the door. "_What brings you here?" _She asked, stopping a few feet in front of him.

He eyed her, obviously doing a visual check to see how she was. His features also showed something else, surprise maybe.

"_I hadn't seen you in a while. I thought I'd see how you were doing. Where have you been?" _He questioned, a little suspiciously. JJ got the overwhelming feeling of being watched too closely again.

"_Just for a walk." _She replied with a tint of defiance. She was doing better now; she didn't need him checking up on her. Immediately, JJ felt bad for feeling this way though, maybe he did just genuinely care about her.

_**Yes because you're work colleagues, that's what they do.**_

Hotch seemed to consider this a moment. "_That's good that you feel up to it." _

"_I told you I was fine. I really am doing better. I think the therapy and medication combination is just what I needed." _JJ responded, again feeling a twinge at dismissing everything Hotch had done for her. He probably had no idea himself at how much he had helped. How he had come at just the right hour, before she'd done something permanently stupid.

Before she'd given in.

"_I'm pleased." _He mused, standing still, facing JJ in the coldness of the evening.

They looked at each other for another minute before JJ finally realised she'd have to invite him in. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts and go over things in her mind but she knew this wasn't an option.

"_Do you want to come in?" _She asked, gesturing towards the door and started to make a move. Hotch didn't reply but simply followed her up the steps, and watched as she fumbled around with the keys, her fingers numb from the outside air.

"_Here let me." _He offered, taking them off her gently, his warm hand coming in contact with her cool one. She flinched as the electricity she'd been thinking about only half an hour ago, was sent through the nerves in her skin again. She cursed at herself internally for feeling it.

But could it really be just her? Surely these things were two way.

_**Oh my god JJ, he's your boss. Your BOSS. **_

Hotch finally got the door open and stood back to let JJ through. She entered, taking off her outdoor clothing and hanging it up on the coat stand before turning to offer him a drink, begging he'd say no. A yes meant he was planning on staying a while.

"_A coffee would be great." _He replied smiling a little.

JJ turned to go to the kitchen, her heart sinking lower. She was just in such a messed up place right now. With everything going through her head she couldn't be sure which emotions were real and which weren't. She'd worked with Hotch for seven years. Seven years was a long time to just be work colleagues. If there was something there, she would have seen it before, noticed it.

She flicked on the kettle, not feeling like drinking at all despite being outside in the cold, but she made herself a chamomile tea anyway to prolong her time in the kitchen. She heard footsteps behind her as she pulled a strand of hair out of her face and behind her ear.

"_I'm sorry I haven't come to see you sooner. We had a case." _He spoke as she continued making the beverages. She didn't turn around, instead took a couple of deeper breaths and stirred the drinks. Trying to clear her ridiculous, and not true, thoughts, she eventually spun around slowly. Handing him his drink, she leant back against the counter. The steam rising from the mug stung the tip of her nose as it warmed it.

"_Yeah, Derek said." _JJ replied trying to smile.

"_How did your therapy go then?" _He pressed further, sensing her hesitation at conversation. He was after all, an expert in behaviour, and he could quite clearly tell from her body language that she was uncomfortable.

"_It was good. I really like my doctor, and she's reporting back to Strauss I presume which will help me get back to work." _JJ said, taking a sip of her tea even though it was far too hot.

Hotch set his coffee on the top and looked at her.

"_So you've given this some thought?" _

"_Given what some thought?" _She asked, trying to buy herself some time to come up with an appropriate answer.

"_You're coming back eventually?" _He reiterated.

"_Well yeah, isn't that the normal conclusion people have come to?" _JJ said firmly.

"_JJ, nothing about this situation is normal." _Hotch responded. JJ could see the bags under his eyes and the lines of age setting in his skin. It'd obviously been a rough case; he looked like he hadn't had much sleep. But then again when did Hotch ever get enough sleep? JJ was usually the last one at the office apart from Hotch. And every single time she'd left, she would go up to say goodbye to him only to find him still slaving away at paperwork or making phone calls.

"_I know that Hotch. But what did everyone think I was going to do? Stay at home for the rest of my life?" _She asked as calmly as she could. She didn't have the energy after the walk to stir up an argument.

"_Well, everyone isn't sure to be honest, what they think is best for you to do."_ He said evenly, picking up his coffee again to give him something to do. Hotch felt bad himself for always seeming to bring her down or turn her mood around whenever things were going good. But he needed to be realistic, to help keep her grounded.

JJ felt the blood flow to her head.

"_People have been talking about my decisions...making them for me?"_ She knew as soon as she'd said it that it wasn't true. But the thought of people discussing her at work like idle gossip got her more riled up than she expected.

"_No, JJ it's not like that. People were worried. And given everything that happened, it will be hard for you to return due to the nature of our job." _Hotch said, trying to keep his answers democratic. He immediately felt like he'd intruded into her house. Why did he keep doing this, keep hurting her more?

JJ steadied her thoughts. "_Hotch I feel like we just have the same conversations over and over. I am coming back. This is what I was born to do. Those people at the bureau are my...family." _She said the last word with resolve, and kept her tone calm.

"_So I presume you know, is Strauss getting the feedback? I guess I need to talk to her soon." _She trailed off into her own mind at the thought of sitting in Strauss' office, the woman she detested so much, facing her future. It gave her shudders.

Hotch didn't talk for a minute again, instead took sips of his coffee and rubbed his forehead.

"_Yes." _He spoke finally and continued drinking. JJ was confused, but let him continue.

"_Yes, she is getting feedback from how well you're coping. I know you've only had a couple but the therapist thinks you're coming on leaps and bounds. She even said to Strauss she thinks that you'll be able to return soon..." _He stopped abruptly as he realised the impacts of his words. He wasn't really supposed to share this with her but despite his initial worry, he had been pleased. Hotch couldn't imagine life without JJ at the bureau. The short time they'd had to make do without her when she'd been forced to go to the pentagon was one of the worst times for the team. Luckily, they'd got her back, or so they'd thought.

JJ's face lit up a little at this news. "_See, I can do it. I know I can." _She whispered as she finished her drink. "_I think I'm going to call Strauss tomorrow to talk." _

Hotch walked over to JJ and placed his mug in the sink beside her. He remained a few feet away, but looked her full in the eyes. She found herself unable to glance away from his chocolate irises penetrating hers.

"_If you're sure this is what you want then I support you. I just want you to know this is going to be an extremely tough time for you, but we're all here, all of the team." _He hovered his hand over her arm as she stood with them folded. JJ noticed this, and saw him look like he was checking himself before withdrawing it back to his pockets. She ignored it, not being able to afford analysing his every move. His moves which probably meant nothing.

"_I can help you to set these decisions into place; I am your boss after all." _

These words stung JJ. As if he'd read her thoughts and said them on purpose. He said them with such affliction, that she couldn't help but feel for one tiny fraction of a second that maybe he knew, and he was reminding her, or himself.

"_Yes, that's right, you are." _She murmured.

"_If you're feeling up to it, since it's Friday now, you could always stop by the BAU on Monday? See how you feel in the surroundings and people. I could arrange to talk to you with Strauss then. I could pick you up?" _Hotch voiced with trepidation.

JJ latched onto his words. What he was saying was in no doubt, incredibly scary, but also just what she needed. And as always, Hotch knew this without her even having to say.

"_Actually, that's not a bad idea." _She unfolded her arms and kept her gaze with him. "_I really want to come back Hotch, I do. I can't stay here anymore. I know it's what I need to do with my life. It's what...__**she**__ would have wanted me to do. To catch the people like him." _She said with such conviction, it all made sense. Crystallised in her mind and was no longer murky. Of course this was what her sister would have wanted. She would have wanted her to be happy, and passionate. And in this job, she was. She just had to be prepared for getting through some rougher patches first.

"_Oh I don't need you to drive me. Since I had my results back, I'm clear. And honestly, I can hardly feel any pain in my stomach anymore. Really. Everything is better." _She said genuinely smiling. It was one of those defining moments in your life when you see everything mapped out in front of you, your destiny almost.

"_I'm really glad. Honestly JJ, you look great. I'm so pleased with how well you're doing. You're so strong." _He said.

The words sounded strange still coming from Hotch; the usually expressionless, firm man. Expressing sympathy and human emotions always caught JJ off guard.

She beamed at him, feeling his words sink in.

He started to turn. "_I'll get going then. I have to pick Jack up from Jessica's." _Hotch moved towards the lounge, JJ followed.

"_Just let me know what time to come in. I look forward to it." _JJ replied, suddenly saddened that he was leaving. She always forgot how good he made her feel, until he had to go.

"_Will do." _He said as he went to open the front door. He hesitated over the handle though, and turned back to JJ.

"_Good to have you back." _He whispered.

And then he put his arm around JJ as he pulled her into a half-hug. JJ stood in shock. This display of emotion was a rarity. Before she even had time to register what was happening, Hotch was out the door and making his way back to the car.

And all that JJ was left with was the tingle of chemicals being whirred around her body from his touch.

* * *

><p>The weekend went quicker than JJ expected it to. It seemed now that she was allowing people back into her house the floodgates had opened. Rossi came over with more food on Saturday morning, despite JJ saying it was fine and she could cook now without being in pain. He genuinely didn't seem to mind though, and JJ knew how much he loved to cook. So she felt she was almost doing him a favour by taking it. Truth be told, his food was delicious, and now her appetite had returned she really had a taste for it. After some chatting though, Rossi cut to the chase.<p>

"_So you're coming back? I knew it wouldn't be long kiddo." _He said whilst placing his mug of black coffee between his knees as he sat forward on the chair Hotch usually took. JJ rolled her eyes, of course Rossi would know. He always had that ability to sense what was always going on before everyone else did.

"_Yes. People may think it's too soon but I know I'm ready. I need to." _JJ tried to explain herself to him, but she knew he wasn't the judgemental type and wasn't asking accusingly.

"_That's wonderful. The team wasn't complete without you." _He said soothingly as he eyed her. "_And I know it may seem soon to some people, it has only been a few weeks, I guess some pain will still be raw, but you have always been good at bouncing back JJ. I know you can do it. You've had time to heal. It will be tricky but if anyone can do it, it's you." _

JJ felt herself smiling without acknowledging it was happening. Rossi always understood her.

"_I've spent nights upon nights thinking and thinking. And I finally see that I have to let my sister go. She comes to me in my dreams." _JJ felt silly immediately for sharing this with him, but she knew if she could tell anyone, he'd get it. "_And I'm really realising that it wasn't my fault. I see the decisions I made in my life and I see his...almost separate. Like two lines that started from the same point but drift further apart." _She phased out thinking back to all those sleepless nights. The ones where she'd bit her pillow to keep from screaming in the darkness. The thoughts of her sister's face filling her mind, urging her to go on. The flashbacks had all returned, and she was working through them with her therapist, but that's what she saw them as...just old memories, not what was happening in the present. She'd surprised herself at how quickly she was recovering.

"_I know. So Hotch tells me you're coming in for a while on Monday to talk to Strauss? That'll be great." _He smiled. "_And you know, I think even Strauss misses you." _Rossi gave a small wink before moving to put his empty mug away back in the kitchen and taking hers.

"_I best get going. __Good to see you hon. Talk on Monday." _He concluded as he made his way for the door but not before kissing her cheek like last time. She smiled.

"_Bye Dave. Thanks for the food!" _JJ said whilst waving to him as he walked away and into the crisp air.

Sunday had been pretty similar in turns of conversation. She felt the need to explain her actions to her friends and she wasn't sure why. Maybe because they deserved the truth after she'd shut them out for so long, maybe she felt guilty. But when Spencer came again, she told him everything she'd told Rossi. He seemed, like Hotch, concerned at first, and then elated at the thought of having her back. Spencer stayed longer than Rossi did though, they talked generally for a while and then walked to her corner shop together when she realised she was low on milk and eggs. By the time night time came, and Spencer had gone home, she was ready to crawl into her bed. But she knew that she had to be in early the next morning at the bureau. So she went through to her bedroom, and opened her closet.

Clothes were something she hadn't given much thought to lately. Comfort was the main goal, but now she would be entering the federal building, she had to go back to her old dress code. Truth be told, she was looking forward to it. She felt like she was going back to the old her, before any of this had happened; the confident, strong JJ that could handle anything and anyone.

Hotch had rang her yesterday after Rossi had left saying that Strauss would see her in her office at half nine. Only Morgan and Prentiss wouldn't be there out of the team, as they were giving a lecture at a local university about applying to the academy, so she could stay a while and talk to everyone.

Going through her outfits, she decided on her black trousers, and a charcoal coloured shirt. Simple but she thought for some reason it would make her seem more competent than a skirt and her usual blue-knitted jumper. Laying them out on her bed, she put a purse together, with her wallet, her cell, and other things so that she'd be fully organised by morning. This habit though felt strange to her, it had been too long out of the swing of things.

When she eventually crawled into bed, she set on her alarm for seven o clock. Not even sure if she'd be able to sleep now as the thoughts of tomorrow whirred around her head, something occurred to her. Would she be authorised to carry her firearm now? It always had hung on her belt, where it was needed, where it felt right. What if because of ongoing psychological evaluation she wasn't allowed to have it?

This thought scared her.

Without her gun she felt like nothing. Sure, Derek had taught her some hand to hand combat over the years but there was nothing quite like the power of a gun. Surely Hotch would have told her if she'd have to hand it in? Yes of course he would.

And eventually she drifted into a light sleep, but not without the face of Strauss tainting her thoughts.

* * *

><p>As JJ pulled up in her usual parking space, she turned the keys in the ignition letting the engine cut out. Deciding to wear her gun after all, it now sat heavy on her right hip. She pulled down the mirror, reapplying a light coloured lipstick and took a deep breath.<p>

"_You're going to be fine JJ. Everything's going to be fine." _She muttered to herself.

Most agents would already be here by now, though some were still arriving. Forcing herself before she could think twice, she stepped out of her car, locking it behind her. The sound of her heels resounding in the multi-storey lot was deafening. She felt like her every step was being monitored, though she kept her head high and walked tall despite feeling so vulnerable. She needed to prove to Strauss she could return, and to do that, she was going to have to fake confidence for a while.

She clutched her purse in her hand and absent-mindedly played with the strap on her shoulder. Reaching the elevator that would take her onto the floor of the building, she pushed the up button. Soon enough, the doors opened and a familiar man stepped out as she stepped aside to let him. She didn't really know him, but knew he worked in the building under a different unit. He vaguely smiled at her like he knew her better though, a pitying sort of smile.

_**Great, everyone knows. **_She thought as she tried to smile back.

Getting into the elevator and pressing the button for the doors to close, she was caught off guard by a voice.

"_JJ!" _

She looked up to see Rossi quickening his step towards the closing doors. He caught his hand in it just in time to make it in.

"_Morning." _He greeted as he smiled at her. God this was going to be a long day. Everyone being overly nice to her.

"_Hey Rossi." _She replied, still clutching the straps of her purse. She needed something to hold onto, to steady herself as the elevator whizzed up. JJ tried not to think of the butterflies fluttering around her stomach and making her nauseous.

"_Big day huh?" _He asked after a minute of silence. They both stood facing the closed doors.

"_Yeah." _JJ breathed as she tried not to look at him. She couldn't let her eyes give away her fear.

Just before the doors opened to another floor, Rossi turned and patted her gently on the arm. "_You're gonna do just great." _He said, going to step out. He turned back to look at her.

"_Trust me." _

And JJ did. She knew she was going to do okay, she just had to make it through and grit her teeth at anything she felt. They both got into another elevator with another couple of vaguely-familiar agents as Rossi asked which floor they needed before pressing the number for the BAU one.

JJ stood at the back of them all so took this opportunity whilst no one was looking at her to steady her breath. In, out, in, out, in, out. The rhythm was becoming more equal and less hitched. Her head felt a little clearer. Rossi didn't look back around at her the time they were in there. Either just focused on something else, or purposefully not wanting to break her concentration on not having a panic attack, she didn't know. Though she suspected the latter.

As the other agents got out, it was only another floor to theirs. The doors were opened again in no time into the busy bustle of her old home.

Her home.

JJ's leg felt like jelly but she continued moving forward, one foot in front of the other. Oh dear, why did she wear heels on a day like today? When her muscles felt like they may just spasm from her nervousness and make her fall to the ground. She bit hard on the inside of her cheek to keep from trembling.

Before she knew it, Rossi was holding open the glass doors for her into the bullpen. All the familiar sounds returning to her, the clicking of other heels, the chattering, the phone's ringing, the typing on computers, the rustling of papers, the news playing on the television at the back. She thought these sounds would throw off her attempt at staying calm, and spook her, but they had just the opposite effect. They gave her solace. She found her legs growing stronger as she glanced at her watch and noted that she had a couple of minutes until she would go to Strauss' office. JJ had set off early but the traffic had been awful.

As she walked through the bullpen, deciding she would go say good morning to Hotch, who she could see was already working through his office window, she noticed all eyes were on her. She was about half way across the bullpen, trying to keep her chin lifted in her fake confidence, when Reid leapt out of his chair from his desk and in front of her.

"_JJ! Hey!"_ He said excitedly. JJ took this opportunity of distraction to glance around quickly, most people watching went back to their work as they saw her looking. She felt herself blush. Was this really what it was going to be like for a while? Reid seemed to notice too.

"_Everyone's just glad you're back." _He said shrugging. JJ nodded not seeming convinced. "_So you here to talk to Strauss huh?" _Reid asked.

"_Yeah, I better go now actually Spence. I'm sorry." _She said gesturing towards the general direction down another corridor. "_I'll catch up with you later if you're not too busy." _JJ felt bad for breaking him off.

"_No problem. Don't worry, I'm only doing the usual so you can come see me." _He said still grinning.

"_Great." _JJ said as she walked off, focusing on the sounds of her heels against the hard floor to keep her thoughts from whirring out of control. She stopped outside the office door she hated so much. Hated was not a strong enough word. The last time she'd been in here was when she had handed in her exit interview. JJ brushed off the shudder that came with the memory of being forced out of her job. **Not again. I'm keeping this one.** She thought to herself determinedly. Lifting up her hand, she took a couple of knocks at the door.

There was a brief pause. Then a "come in". JJ entered, seeing Strauss at her desk, lowering her glasses. There was a couple of men beside her. Probably other section chiefs or higher up people, JJ couldn't tell. The furthest she usually went was Hotch, unless a case had turned out pretty badly, which in that situation meant presenting to lawyers or judges at the most. Her heart skipped a beat as she stood awkwardly.

"_Ma'am." _JJ nodded in greeting, not wanting to say anything else afraid that her voice would give her away. Strauss gestured towards the seat in front of her.

"_Please Agent Jareau." _

JJ took the seat and placed her purse on the floor, leaning forward against the desk.

"_It's good to see you back in the BAU agent." _She murmured in her condescending manner, though JJ detected some other feeling behind it, maybe genuineness.

"_It's good to be back ma'am." _JJ responded, being extra careful with her words. This would most likely take a lot of convincing on her part, and she needed to play it straight with the person in charge of her return.

"_How are you feeling?" _She asked, her grey eyes piercing JJ's blues. She could tell this wasn't a sweeping question, this was an inquiry now.

"_Honestly, I am doing well given the situation. I am no longer in pain and I feel stronger." _JJ replied confidently. This was all true.

Strauss seemed to glare at her for a moment before turning to her side and introducing the men as some form of directors, probably equal to herself or more, JJ wasn't sure, to be honest she wasn't paying much attention to them, she wanted her focus on Strauss. Just as she was about to continue talking, the door opened and in walked Hotch. JJ turned to look at him. Why hadn't she thought before? Yes Hotch would be in here, he supervises her technically after all.

"_Ah Agent Hotchner. How kind of you to join us."_ She greeted coldly as he took a seat next to JJ. This surprised her, she thought he'd sit next to one of the other men. He cleared his throat before handing Strauss a file of sorts. JJ frowned but then realised the hospital seal on the front. A report from her doctor. She knew this would be okay, hadn't Hotch already told her that? Yet half of her was angry that Strauss had to read it. It wouldn't say anything confidential, of that she was sure, but it would have the feedback that her doctor sent. Words she hadn't spoken to JJ. And this panicked her. Would the men read it too?

Strauss lifted her glasses onto her nose again and skimmed through the report, leaving the others in silence. Hotch nodded in acknowledgement to the other two men, obviously familiar with them on a working basis. JJ smiled nervously at one of them when his green eyes caught hers.

Eventually, Strauss passed the file to the man who was just looking at JJ. She then turned to her. JJ tried not to let herself think what would be in it. Her eyes locked in again.

"_Seems like your psychiatrist is extremely pleased with your progress. She says you're handling it very well. Most of the problems she normally treats people for post trauma, are in your case being helped by yourself." _Strauss spoke in a defining authoritative voice. JJ couldn't tell if she was neither pleased nor upset at this news.

Not knowing what to say, she simply nodded.

"_How do you think you're coping mentally Agent Jareau?" _She queried as the man handed over the file to the other.

JJ felt tongue tied but she pushed on. "_I know truthfully that there are still deep issues, and I think there always will be. But this is what I need to do with my life." _JJ said realising she was going off track, into her deeper feelings. She didn't care, if this is what it took for her to get her job again, then she'd fight. "_I have come to terms with what's happened, and it hasn't been easy. And I'm not saying this return will. But I feel I wouldn't be sat here before you now if I didn't truly think myself for a second that I could do this job again. I can continue therapy, I think that's a good idea, I'll do whatever else you need me to do, I just know that I belong here..." _JJ was cut short as Strauss waved her hand. She could feel Hotch's eyes on her.

"_Well agent, I most definitely feel you are competent enough to return eventually, I'm just still worried this is too soon. I will consult with the directors and chiefs, and with Agent Hotchner as well as your __**actual**__ doctors, and get back to you."_ She said the words so harshly, it made JJ recoil slightly. Had she blown all her chances merely by being truthful? She felt she'd hardly had time to speak!

"_Erm...that's it?" _JJ asked in shock, wanting to go on, to do anything to prove to her that this role was hers.

"_However, if you wish to stay today to start sorting out some things, then I'm sure that is just fine. It's out in the field I am worried about." _She added.

Hotch leaned forward, looking like he was about to speak but second guessed the idea.

"_You may go Agent Jareau." _She dismissed casually, leaving JJ feeling astounded.

She rose to shake her hand. "_Always a pleasure ma'am." _JJ felt the bitter taste on her tongue as she said the words sardonically and glanced at the others.

And with that she turned and walked out of the room. Why hadn't Hotch stood up for her? Said she could do it? Was it because she couldn't do it? Was Hotch lying to her all this time to make her feel better? She strut down the hall quickly and reached the door to her office. Finding it open, she plonked herself into her chair, suppressing the urge to throw something. Her office had the same feel as the bullpen. She thought it would bring back bad memories but she felt so comfortable and relaxed in here, that JJ decided to stay.

**A/N: If you're still reading, thank you so much I can't express it :) Considering how dark this story has been, you've done well to make it through. I kept it dark, and knew it would be from the start, as I didn't want to take the subject of depression lightly. It's not as if she'd have woken up one day and it all to be gone, so I think I stayed true to the nature of that kind of illness as best as I could. Review as always please, I love to hear them. I have the ending planned in my mind (still a while away) and I can't wait to write it now!**


	22. The Invitation

"_I understand your concerns Ma'am, but she is competent enough to edge her way back into office work, trust me." _Hotch said for what felt like the third time.

"_Agent Hotchner I have no doubt that she is competent enough, it's merely the fact of what she has been through that troubles me with her future at the FBI. How is somebody supposed to recover from something like that without permanent problems?" _Strauss snapped back.

Keeping his arms folded, Hotch thought carefully. He had to find some way to help JJ, to persuade Strauss that she was okay. He knew it would be some time before she was allowed back in the field, and that was understandable. But she needed some kind of stability back in her life, to feel like she was contributing to something again to help her recover.

"_I did." _He said quietly but firmly. Strauss tilted her head at him questioningly, looking agitated.

"_Yours were different circumstances and you know it." _She said harshly.

"_I beg to differ. The loss of a loved one isn't up for comparison." _Hotch spoke. He was glad the other two men had left after some murmuring with Strauss, this conversation felt too personal for JJ to be shared with extra impersonal people. Though he could tell Strauss wasn't convinced. He stood up from his seat, moving towards the door as he could tell this conversation was over, but not before he turned back to her.

"_She's incredibly strong. Stronger than you or I give her credit for. She's seen a lot of things in this job. And I guarantee she sees more evil on the pages of hundreds of files a day than we do in a month. JJ has accepted, with careful consideration that this is what she wants to continue to do with her life. I hope you take everything into account whilst making the decision of her full-time return." _He said sharply before reaching for the door handle. He knew if JJ could hear what he was saying it would annoy her, to think that she needed someone fighting her battles for her. But at this point, she needed a lot of influence to help get her old job back.

"_Agent Hotchner." _At the sound of the voice, Hotch reluctantly turned again, getting impatient and remembering how much work he had to do. "_I'm not saying that she cannot return to office work if you think she's capable. You are her unit chief, I will let you make that decision if you take the rest of your team into consideration also. You can let her know we'll have the full verdict by Thursday, once I've liaised with her medical staff." _Strauss replied before settling herself back to work and placing the glasses back onto her nose.

"_Very well Ma'am." _Hotch said before finally leaving.

* * *

><p>As JJ spun slightly in her office chair she felt the emotions of her old role come back, flowing through her veins. Something seemed different about her surroundings. Instead of files being scattered over most of the work space, they were piled neater. Someone had obviously been in to tidy. It should have been interpreted as a nice gesture, but JJ couldn't help but feel that people were trying to baby her. This was her office, she could handle it. Strauss had said she could stay a while, and right now, the place where she'd spent the last few weeks was less of a home than this was again.<p>

JJ stroked the cold mahogany of her desk. The smooth feeling was comfortingly familiar. In her peripheral vision, she saw a lime green photo frame balancing on it. She frowned before lifting it and looking at the picture inside. Garcia's face beamed back at her. She was pulling a peace sign with her fingers and sticking her tongue out. JJ laughed. She would have to go find her before she left and thank her. She always knew just what she needed.

Her fingers traced the edges of the nearest case file, and she felt a flicker go through her. It was a perfect opportunity to test her boundaries, if she even had any left. Bracing herself, she lightly pulled on the folder, placing it in front of her. All she had to do was flick open the page; that thin sheet of paper the only thing separating her from the horror that filled the pages. Her heart quickened. Without trying to over-think it, it was after all something that should come naturally to her, she tentatively opened it.

The first thing her eyes encountered was the up-close shot of a stab wound to what appeared to be an abdomen. The blood trickled out of the gash, spilling onto the empty streets. The adrenaline coursed through her like a lightning bolt, and with that she snapped it shut.

Okay, so maybe not that one, but there had to be something less severe that she could train herself to stomach? She'd done it before whilst joining the academy. Even those who claimed not to be so squeamish had sometimes had to avert their eyes as the huge projector screen beamed out images of decaying flesh, or murdered children. She'd start easier, if there were such a thing, and work her way up. It shouldn't take long. It was simply a matter of exercising her brain to cut them off from reality to a certain degree. JJ placed that file back, trying not to feel guilty for using these people as a training experience. Picking up the adjacent one, she gently opened it.

Skeletons. Yes she could deal with those. Far less human, easier to distance yourself from them. Merely bones of a once loved one that people had surely forgotten about by now. They were old, long gone, remains...

Before JJ knew it she was running down the hall to the bathrooms. Keeled over the toilet, she threw up as the sweat clung to her forehead. A tear streamed down her face. Oh god, what was she doing? One moment she'd felt relaxed, happy. The next she'd only had to think of her sister and her body spun out of control again. She couldn't let anyone see her like this. She knew it was going to take time. It wouldn't be instant; she had to allow herself to go through this to heal. If she couldn't do this job, she didn't know where she would belong in this world.

As JJ pushed on the flush handle, dabbing her mouth gently with tissue, she heard footsteps come into the bathrooms. Begging it not to be Strauss, she carefully got up onto her feet again, ruffling her hair and wiping her cheeks to make herself look more presentable. When she pulled open the door though, she was relieved to see Garcia staring unexpectedly into her face.

"_Oh my gosh JJ hi!" _She squealed in delight as she ran over in her heels to embrace her. JJ grimaced a little at this hug; her stomach still felt a little rocky.

"_Oops sorry. Hotch mentioned you'd be in! I was going to come by your office but I wasn't sure what time you were seeing Strauss. Didn't want to interrupt anything." _Garcia said as she smiled at her. JJ smiled back. If there was anyone she could put up with right now, Garcia would be top of that list. Though she had a tendency to over worry about things, so JJ decided she wouldn't tell her about her pitfall.

"_I actually just came out of seeing her." _JJ tried to say a little too dismissively, waving her hand.

Garcia eyed her, clearly in suspense. "_And? Tell me everything. Are you coming back?" _

"_Well, they have to go over some more things with my doctors and stuff. It's going to be a bit of a tedious process I think. She said I could stay for the rest of the day though, you know sort out my office and stuff." _JJ tried to keep her voice optimistic, but she'd seen the look on Strauss' face, and it was engraved into her mind.

Garcia's face dropped a little at this information, sensing JJ's hesitation. "_Don't worry, they'd be stupid not to let you back. Although you may end up being my bitch for a while before they let you out in the field again." _She beamed as she saw JJ's lips twitch at this.

Walking over to the sink and letting the cold water hit her hands and wrists, JJ looked at Garcia in the mirror as she stood by her side. "_You know what? I wouldn't mind that one bit. Like the good old days." _

"_Exactly. Yay!" _

JJ felt some relief wash over her. If that was the first step, then she'd be more than happy with it. Maybe pushing herself to be out in the field wasn't such a good idea, especially after what had just happened. And whenever she was with Penelope, her troubles seemed to dissipate until they were barely a fleck of dust. She always had the ability to make her smile and see the good in everything. Their late nights and early mornings in her computer-filled den were some of the strongest memories JJ clung to of this place.

"_Just don't get too over excited okay? They're going to let me know the score on Thursday. Let's just take one thing at a time." _JJ warned Garcia, but carried on smiling. Maybe this could be an easier step.

"_Yeah yeah okay." _Garcia said, looking at JJ's reflection rather than in person. They both turned after a minute to face each other fully.

"_You alright?" _

JJ saw the look of concern in Penelope's eyes, that puppy dog look that only Spencer could wear as well so innocently. Their hurt when they could see she was hurt. She had to stop causing other people to doubt her and be in pain.

"_I'm more than alright. I'm so happy to be back, even for a little while. Feels like home." _JJ said forcing her eyes to match her grin. It wasn't a lie exactly.

"_Good. Anyway I gotta dash as much as I'd love to hang out with you. I have to run something for Rossi. See you later. Come get me before you leave!" _She said as she squeezed JJ's arm before trotting to the door.

"_Oh Pen?" _JJ called remembering. Garcia halted and looked at her.

"_Thanks for the photo." _She said smiling.

JJ decided to go back to her office, thinking the rest of the team that were here would be busy enough without her dropping by, even though she did need the distraction right now. So she smoothed down her trousers, and set off back down the hall, preying she didn't bump into anyone else. Socializing was a lot more work than she last remembered.

No such luck.

"_Agent Jareau, you're back!" _Called a voice from behind her.

It confused her at first, most people called her JJ around here. That's when she turned and saw who it was. Of course he'd call her that, he was her subordinate after all, though she could recall countless times that she'd told him it was okay to call her JJ. He never did though.

"_Anderson!" _She greeted cheerfully. It was actually nice to see his face, it felt like forever. She didn't even have that much contact with him when she used to be here full time. Just every now and then. It surprised her though that he came up to her and hugged her. This really was going to be a regular thing. She did her best to wiggle out of it and hold him by his arms, disguising it in an affectionate way.

"_It's great to see you Agent Jareau." _He said sweetly. JJ looked down and saw he had a form in his hands, probably on some errand for somebody.

"_And you Anderson. How are you?" _She asked. It wasn't just politeness prompting her though, she genuinely cared about him.

"_Never mind me! How about you?" _He jokingly retorted.

"_I'm better, thank you for asking." _JJ said. It did finally feel good to say the truth when asked that question. Even if she over exaggerated it occasionally.

"_So are you back full time...?" _Anderson asked curiously.

"_Erm...actually Strauss is discussing that with me later on in the week. I'm just here to sort out some things, just today." _This line was going to get old fast. She wanted answers for herself and giving half ones to other people would eventually frustrate her. But Anderson had always been patient with her when she needed things, so she kept a smile on her face for him.

"_Well, we all miss you. I hope everything goes okay. I have to run! See you soon." _Anderson replied as he begun to walk off down the hall clutching his paper.

"_Bye." _She called after him but he had already rounded the corner. JJ had forgotten how hectic it could be at the bureau. People's days seemed to be filled up down to the last second around here. She wondered how any of them had been able to take time off, or leave early to come and visit her. JJ would forever be in their debt.

As she walked back into her office, closing her door behind her, she flicked on her computer. It finally loaded, and up came the barriers of passwords. JJ's fingers moved of their own accord, swiftly tapping the keys and granting herself access. By the time she had clicked on her email, it had twigged to her that it was most likely empty. Hotch would have gone through them no doubt, making sure that all the requests were redirected straight to him or maybe even Morgan, allowing her to view the blank screen that was in front of her now.

Realising there was nothing she could do on her computer; she opened up her top drawer where she usually kept all her forms that needed doing, and other information. That too was empty. JJ sat back in her chair and huffed. She wondered if she came back full time that people would forever treat her differently. Trying to take care of her, making her job easier and their's more difficult in turn. Making a mental note to remind them that it was all her responsibility again, she closed her eyes. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she took a few deep breaths, and before she knew it, she was drifting into a light sleep.

Something roused her. She hadn't even realised she had slipped under for a few minutes, so the noise startled her. It was a knocking at her door.

"_Come in." _She called a little too roughly, and quickly replaced her frown with a smile at the awaiting person. Praying still that Strauss' face would not be the one she saw.

"_Hotch, hi." _She said warmly, motioning for him to sit in a chair when she saw his face appear, and feeling relieved. This was unusual even in the olden days. JJ always went to him. Hotch took a seat opposite her desk and leant forward, conspicuously analysing her features. He decided that she actually looked ok.

"_I'm taking an early lunch, I wondered if you wanted to come grab a sandwich or maybe just even a coffee with me? You know, get out of here a bit?" _He said casually. Usually this would be out of the norm, but after the last few weeks of them together so much, this felt more natural.

"_What time is it? I feel like I've just gotten in here!" _She said momentarily dazed. She had left Strauss' office at around ten to ten. She'd only been in her office another half an hour surely before she'd gone to the bathroom. At most.

"_It's twelve o clock JJ." _Hotch said, puzzled too at her lack of time keeping.

JJ glanced at the clock in the corner of her computer screen. So it was. This morning was flying by quicker than expected. Even though she felt comfortable here, there really wasn't much for her to do. Maybe she should call it a day but get lunch first.

"_In that case, I guess we could." _She agreed, rising from her chair and grabbing her purse. "_Now, right?" _She asked.

Hotch nodded his head. "_You're probably not hungry, but I was up with Jack at five this morning so ate my breakfast then. Long story." _He said, rolling his eyes.

"_No, actually I am hungry." _JJ said realising she had a now-empty stomach. And despite her vomiting just a while ago, she already could feel the onset of hunger. She reached for her coat on the back of her chair and slung it on.

"_Ready?" _Hotch asked. JJ nodded this time.

* * *

><p>"<em>This is delicious, thanks Hotch." <em>JJ said, licking her lips as she felt a crumb land there. Pinching her smoked salmon wrap between her fingers, she gazed over at him on the other side of the small table.

"_I didn't know if you'd be hungry yet, but you obviously are." _He said laughing slightly as he took a bite of his own sandwich. JJ could never get used to that sound.

"_Are you sure you have time for this? I don't think you've ever eaten lunch out, ever." _She asked; feeling the guilty knot tighten in her stomach at the thought of people trying to accommodate to her again, cushion her life.

"_JJ it's fine don't worry about it. I'll be here until nine at least anyway tonight." _He dismissed.

As they sat in the small cafe a couple of blocks from the FBI building, JJ realised that she was staring at Hotch's face a little too closely. He caught her eye and wiped his own face.

"_What?" _He asked playfully, continuing to dab. "_Have I got something on my face?" _

JJ suddenly found herself unable to come up with anything. She felt the blood flood her cheeks. "_Umm, no." _She mumbled, desperate to come up with something. "_I was just thinking how strange it is to see you, in work hours, in your work clothes, in a social place that isn't work –related." _JJ nervously giggled hoping he would buy it. Something she doubted very much.

"_Oh right. I guess it is a little weird." _He agreed as he finished the last of his food. JJ ate the last bite of hers too, before picking up her mug of green tea.

"_Still sticking to the mumbo-jumbo tea?" _Hotch asked suddenly, eyeing her beverage with mock disbelief on his face.

"_Hey. I happen to like this." _JJ said defensively, but smiled.

"_It's not even a proper drink!" _Hotch exclaimed.

"_Says who? It's all I could stomach over the last few weeks, I got to like it!" _JJ playfully replied, hugging the mug in her hands.

"_Alright alright." _Hotch said holding his hands up in defeat as he took a sip of his own coffee. They both drank in silence for a moment, appreciating the peace away from the bureau, before Hotch spoke again.

"_So this weekend's Halloween." _He started. JJ looked up as she snapped out of her own thoughts.

"_It is?" _She asked confused. Time was not well kept with her at the moment.

"_Yeah." _He replied, placing his mug down on the table before musing over something for a minute. JJ saw his eyebrows pull together. She sensed he had something else to say, but didn't know how to say it.

"_I was wondering, if you wanted to come trick or treating with Jack and I? We do it every year, it's not much but he'd probably love it if you came. I'm not much fun when it comes to this holiday." _He said, looking down at his lap and then back into JJ's deep blue eyes. She felt her heart falter. She'd never been anywhere with Hotch before. Sure, she knew Jack well, had spent some time with him after Haley had passed, but she'd never been out with just the two of them before. Hell, the only time she'd seen Hotch's house, was when her and the team went back after the incident with Foyet that put him in the hospital so they could profile the rooms and work out what had happened.

She realised he was waiting for an answer. Without even thinking, she knew her reply. "_I would love that." _She said, becoming aware that she was smiling a little too widely.

Hotch grinned back at her, obviously pleased at this response. "_Are you sure? If you don't want to, or don't feel up to it just yet that's more than fine, honestly." _He said, staring deep at her.

"_No no! I really want to. I haven't seen Jack in forever so..." _She trailed off. Cursing herself for just using Jack as the excuse, she hoped Hotch would know really that she wanted to see him too. It was true though, she hadn't seen Jack in a long time and she was good with kids, she did miss him.

"_Great." _Hotch replied. "_I can come pick you up if you like. You may as well have dinner with us if you want to of course." _He offered.

JJ's heart continued to thump quickly. What did this mean? Was he just simply being nice, trying to get her out of the house? Or was he on the receiving end of that same spark of electricity that JJ felt?

"_It's okay, I can drive over." _JJ said firmly. She knew she could do it. It was still scaring her, to think of her small relapse this morning with the case files but it was nothing short of what she'd expected. In fact, if she was honest with herself, she was prepared for a full on melt down right in the middle of the bullpen, but she was doing better than she'd hoped. Even sitting her now in this cafe was something she wouldn't have done a month ago. She knew it would probably hit her tonight, when she was alone and suffocated by the blanket of darkness and the nightmares that crawled under it, but right here, right now, she was okay.

"_Okay, if you're positive." _He affirmed. "_Let's say sixish?" _

"_Sure, six is fine." _JJ agreed. She was begging that the redness in her cheeks had simmered down. Hotch smiled at her.

JJ was quiet, wondering how she should phrase what she was about to ask. Knowing there was nothing but to come out with it, she took a breath.

"_What's it looking like Hotch? My chance of ever returning to the bureau for good? I need to know." _She said so quietly, she wasn't sure if Hotch had heard. He looked down at the table, playing with a packet of sugar next to his cup. JJ carried on looking at him, waiting for an answer.

"_I'm not sure yet." _He said, still not looking at her.

JJ felt her heart sink. After the excitement of this weekend, this burden was too heavy. She would find out before that. She couldn't even think to it now. JJ wished she could skip Thursday and head straight to Saturday.

"_Do they need my gun in?" _She asked, her voice thick with dread as she remembered that it was sitting on her right hip at this moment.

"_Surprisingly, no they haven't asked for it. I think you should be authorized to carry until Thursday at least. Don't worry." _He reassured her, looking up this time and becoming aware that she would probably feel ten times more vulnerable without it. After all, he had.

"_Okay."_ JJ said, somewhat relieved. Yet the butterflies were starting deep in her stomach again at the thought of having to face Strauss and the strange men once more to decide her future.

"_Guess we should be heading back. Have you got much to do?" _He asked her, trying to casually change the subject. He signalled to the waitress that they were ready for the bill.

"_You know I haven't Hotch, all my work is either incredibly organised, or gone." _She retorted, her suspicions that it was him about to be confirmed.

He continued smiling. "_Garcia helped me, hence the picture on your desk right now. I reined her in as much as possible. But if you haven't opened all of your drawers then I warn you, be prepared for a figurine-filled make over." _Hotch said lightly.

JJ rolled her eyes. The picture had just been the tip of the iceberg. She hadn't looked in her other desk compartments, just the top one that was too small to hold much.

"_She shouldn't have gone to so much effort." _She said a little flippant but still felt pleased deep down that Garcia would always care about her through so much.

"_I think she needs it just as much as you do." _He said, raising one eyebrow. JJ frowned slightly at this remark, not knowing what he meant.

Hotch left the table to go and pay for the food and drinks, before they got back into the car to drive back to work. They'd only been gone a little while. Not even an hour had passed. She wondered what the others had thought of her and Hotch leaving for lunch. Surely some had questioned this action. Or had they even known? Perhaps been too absorbed in their own work to even see Hotch leave his office? No, that wouldn't be right. If Hotch left his office, everyone would know about it.

"_We really could have just walked you know Hotch." _JJ sighed as he held open the passenger side door for her. He eventually climbed in the other side.

"_I didn't want you to push it too much." _Hotch replied quietly, starting the engine with a swift turn of the key.

JJ leaned back into the seat and angled the vents at her face, waiting for the air being blasted to warm up a little, and in turn warm her. It was no use arguing with him. She rubbed her hands together hoping the friction would speed things up.

"_Thanks for that, it was nice." _She said, turning to him as he looked over his shoulder to back out of the parking space.

"_Don't mention it." _He said, glancing over at her.

Once they got back, they both walked through the bullpen. Hotch to get to his office, JJ deciding she would talk to Reid after cutting him short this morning. She felt all eyes on her again, but this time in a very different way. She looked at Hotch walking right next to her, both of them had the pink outdoorsy tinge to their cheeks and noses, and realised it was extremely obvious they'd both gone out together. JJ cringed at the thoughts that were probably circulating their heads right now.

She saw Reid sitting at his desk, typing frantically on his keyboard. Contemplating turning away and going back to her office since he looked busy, Reid turned round at that exact moment.

"_Hey JJ." _He said casually but smiled so wide, it nearly met his eyes.

"_Hey Spence. I was just coming to see if you wanted to talk for a while, but you look busy, sorry, I'll leave you to it." _She murmured, going to walk back to her office.

"_I'm literally not that busy. Here pull up a chair." _He said, gesturing to Prentiss' empty one at the adjacent desk.

"_You sure?" _she asked, going over to it.

"_Yeah it's fine. If it makes you feel better, I'll type and talk." _He said jokingly as he saw the doubt on her face.

"_Even though you're a genius Spence, you're still a man, and therefore you cannot multitask." _She said lightly laughing, he joined in.

"_Guess you're right. Just talk it is then." _He concluded, turning to face her as she placed the chair at his desk, next to him.

"_Where did you go?" _He asked, playing with a pen in his fingers.

JJ could feel herself blushing again. "_Oh just lunch with Hotch. Guess he just wanted to get me out of here for a little while." _She said as nonchalantly as she could, but something within her tone was sure to give her away.

"_Oh right." _Reid said trying to seem interested in the casual conversation, but she could tell he knew the implications beginning to form.

JJ remembered what Hotch had told her at lunch. "_Hey! It's Halloween this weekend, what are you up to? Going to some ghoul-filled haunted house, or watching a vintage drive-through movie with Garcia?" _She asked, pleased to find a topic come to her that would distract him for a while as he leapt off into a bundle of facts and excited chatter.

She glanced out the corner of her eye up to Hotch's office after some appropriate nodding and smiling at the right places in Reid's conversation.

And for a split second, she could have sworn her was staring right back at her.


	23. The Verdict

**A/N: Really short business-like chapter ahead. Have to get it out the way as much as I hate writing as Strauss because it's what the story needs to progress. Hope you're all still enjoying. Please review, even if it's a single word, it's motivational.**

Thursday came much quicker than JJ liked.

She woke up at four o clock in the morning with an oncoming migraine and what seemed to be a fresh batch of tears coating her face. Something she took as not a good sign. She must have been having a nightmare. Using all her strength to roll out of bed, she went into her bathroom searching for some painkillers. Washing them down with water, JJ tried to lie back in bed for another couple of hours, hoping sleep would come to her and allow her to awake more refreshed. Unfortunately, things were not looking hopeful.

After tossing and turning for another half an hour, she decided to get out of bed and figure out what she was going to wear for the day ahead. Trying to put all possible damaging thoughts to the back of her mind, she settled on some gray trousers and her red sweater. She still had hours before she even needed to set off for the bureau, and without anything to prominently distract her, the doubts crept in again. What would the doctors have said about her to Strauss? What would her future be like after today? Was she ever going to be doing what she loved again?

The voices were too loud and powerful to ignore. Not wanting to start having a panic attack, she tried to control her thoughts and redirect them towards Saturday night. That calmed her somewhat, the thought of Hotch's face, the very essence of safety. And Jack, she would be seeing Jack too. He was probably a lot more grown up than she remembered him. JJ wondered what he looked like now.

And then there was the meal. Hotch had never invited any of the other members of the team over specifically for a meal had he? She couldn't remember, but she took that as a probable no. Was this pushing some sort of boundaries? More importantly, were they actually any boundaries to be pushed?

As JJ mulled this all over, she felt a little relief at the distraction from her upcoming meeting. As she walked past her mirror in the bedroom, she caught a glimpse of her hair and realised that it was a day when she needed to wash it. Pulling her hand through some greasy strands, she walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower.

_**May as well take my time and do it now**_. JJ thought to herself.

Stripping down of her pyjamas, she concentrated on not letting her eyes settle on her stomach. Not today, she didn't need all this today. Whilst taking off her vest, she paid extra attention to not even letting her finger skim the surface of her bare skin, knowing the texture would be too much to remind her.

Stepping into the shower she breathed a sigh of relief as the warm water soaked into her skin. She put her head under it, feeling instantly better from what was most likely just a stress headache. Reaching for the shampoo, she squeezed some into her hands, letting her fingers run it through her wet hair. The smell of raspberries filled the cubicle.

By the time she'd finished showering, getting dressed, drying her hair, and packing and checking her purse, she still had an hour and a bit until she needed to set off to the bureau. Desperately thinking of more things to do to keep her mind occupied, she decided to put some make up on. This was the make-it-or-break it day, and she needed to show them that she was capable. Smearing some foundation over her face, dabbing on some powder, and covering her eyelashes in lashings of mascara, she felt different when she next glanced into the mirror. She looked more mature, more like her old self. Though the sensation on her face felt a little alien. Her eyes felt heavy. She hadn't worn so much in so long though; it was bound to feel strange.

JJ wandered into the kitchen, pouring herself some muesli and making herbal tea. After she had managed to eat, her stomach felt better from the butterflies that had developed over the course of the morning so far.

When it was eventually time to leave, JJ pulled on her coat to brace the outside weather, and slipped her feet into her black-heeled boots. She walked confidently to the car and started the engine knowing she was driving to the bureau, to face her fate.

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><p>As JJ sat opposite the same group of people again in Strauss' office, plus another person who she'd never seen before, she felt the nerves wash over her in waves. Hotch was in there too, and JJ concentrated on that, knowing there was at least one friendly who was sure to be on her side. She tapped the toe of her foot on the floor until she realised she was drawing attention to her anxiety, and with a look of disapproval from a man by Strauss, stopped.<p>

The other agent next to her was taking the final turn of reading whatever it was they were holding. JJ had never felt so vulnerable in her life. She felt like she should be sitting in the principal's office at school, like it was **her **who'd done something wrong in all of this. The thought made her so angry, but she kept her breathing regulated and managed to keep her composure. Finally, with a nod of the man's head, Strauss spoke.

"_Well Agent Jareau." _She started, looking over her glasses at her. JJ swallowed hard and braced herself for what was to come; her heart frantically pumping.

"_I have just received the very latest report from your psychiatrist. I take it you had a session this week?" _Strauss asked, eyeing JJ.

She opened her mouth to talk but found her mouth to be too dry. She licked her lips and tried again, clearing her throat.

"_Yes Ma'am." _She confirmed.

"_There's no doubting her judgement of course. She seems very...impressed with how you're coming along." _

JJ caught the tone of the way she said 'impressed', and bit on the inside of her lip to stop her from making a sarcastic comment. This was what she needed to go through to get back. She had to play nice to Strauss.

"_And your medical doctors too. I have consulted with them over the last few days to discuss what they feel you are most likely capable of physically, mentally and emotionally also." _

Strauss had a way of leaving sentences hanging in the air. Suspended just for the right amount of time to set you on edge, wondering what the conclusion to it would be. JJ kept her head up, and sat straight in defiance.

"_They feel, as do we as a panel, that your wish to join this team as your old role so prematurely is unwise at this point in time." _Strauss said firmly, never breaking her gaze.

JJ was about to speak out and defend herself for what she had prepared to come, when the words sunk in. She had said "at this point in time" not that she could never come back. She also picked up on her emphasis on the old role part. Did this mean there was hope for some sort of edging her way back in?

"_Given all this information we have received and carefully gone over to consider, we believe that you are somewhat capable of resuming some of your old responsibilities." _One of the men spoke in just the same tone as Strauss had.

JJ looked curiously at them as a whole, confused. Hotch was nearer her side so she turned to him and raised her eyebrows in questioning. He caught on.

"_Basically Agent Jareau, you have been granted permission to continue as communications liaison...but whilst staying here at Quantico, and working closely with Penelope Garcia and us, to cover other aspects that we feel you are not ready to handle __**yet**__." _Hotch summarised. JJ could tell he was trying his best to sound professional in front of them. She noted how he didn't call her JJ ever around Strauss. She knew not to take it to heart though; he was after all trying to help her. There was always something quite cold about his official side.

JJ nodded, taking in the information and finally speaking. "_So...I get to come back? But working office-based here with Agent Garcia? I still get to handle the cases and present them to the team and everything, just not go out into the field?" _She asked, half frowning, half smiling. She wasn't sure if she was happy or disappointed still.

"_Yes. Does that look like it will be a major problem for you?" _Strauss asked sardonically.

Looking around at the room full of men and Strauss, JJ's eyes landed on Hotch again. She knew this was her only opportunity, and thinking it over she decided she was actually pleased. The other day in the bathrooms, just the thought of hanging out with Garcia again made her happy. She knew her goal would be to get back in the field eventually, just not right now.

"_No Ma'am. I'm thrilled, I really am. I can't thank all of you enough for allowing me this chance again. And I promise you, I'll prove to you I can still do my job." _JJ assured them, keeping her voice steady, but not being able to control the smile that was now spread across her face. This was it, she would be returning to her passion in life. Some may argue it was too soon, that she hadn't healed enough. But this is what she needed to **do** to heal.

"_Well in that case Agent, you shall be starting on Monday. I'll be doing regular assessments on you and making sure that Agent Hotchner here does also. You will continue seeing your therapist until we discuss it further, and I believe you have another check up soon at the hospital, which I will see the results of then. This session is over as far as I can tell. Anybody have anything else they would like to add?" _Strauss concluded, turning to the agents around her. They all shook their heads. One scribbled furiously on a notepad in front of him, but JJ couldn't make out what he was writing.

"_Okay then. See you on Monday at nine o'clock sharp Agent Jareau. I understand that Agent Hotchner will mainly take over from me now, and Agent Morgan should help catch you up with recent case files." _Strauss dismissed, standing up to shake JJ's hand. JJ did her best to smile at the woman she hated so much. She had given her this chance after all, and she was planning on showing her that she was more than competent to do it again.

"_I look forward to it. Thank you." _She said sincerely, before turning to walk out of the office, and let the others, who were probably all waiting, know the news.

She was coming back.

***I decided to make this one so short because I felt like I wanted the next one to be one in it's own right. I also didn't have much time today, and felt like this was better to post than nothing. The next chapter will be normal length :)**


	24. The Dinner

**A/N: Sorry that it's been so long! I've been super busy with exams etc...but I had a little time today so I decided to do this chapter. Not much happens, but it's a needed one I think. Just realised how angsty this story is. Hope you're okay with that :)**

**Please review! Even if it's one word, or anon, I do not mind!**

* * *

><p>Saturday morning was the first morning JJ had woken up feeling excited for the day to come. Normally there was that moment's realization where she remembered everything that had happened, and everything that was happening now, and it would reduce her to tears. Either that or she would already wake up in them, as a result of her nightmares. However today was different. When JJ first opened her eyes, all she could think about, was how happy she was for the day ahead of her. She revelled in the feeling, letting it soak in before getting out of bed.<p>

When she saw the time, she was shocked: It was nearly half ten. JJ hadn't slept that well in a long time. She figured it was the alleviated stress of losing out on the job she loved the most. JJ had no doubt though that by the time Sunday evening rolled around, she'd be getting those familiar tinges of nerves again, especially after her little bathroom trip earlier on in the week.

She pushed those thoughts out of her mind, because today was all that mattered right now. What did she need to take tonight? Hotch hadn't said anything. Maybe she should be polite and take Jack some candy, and a bottle of wine for dinner? Was it even a wine-drinking event or would that be deemed inappropriate? And Jack would surely have plenty of sugar tonight; Hotch wouldn't want him having more...

By the time JJ had dressed, taken a shower, and eaten breakfast, she didn't really know what to do with herself. The hours were going by slowly, and all she wanted to do was set off to Hotch's house. Being alone used to be something she wanted. But now, all she yearned for was company. Maybe that was part of her healing, she wasn't sure. It was a good thing either way. She couldn't afford to be isolated from people with her job as the communications liaison after all.

JJ settled down to watch some sit-com that was on when she realized how hungry she was. She'd only had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast. Wandering through to the kitchen, she dug around in her cupboards to try and find a snack of some sorts, but came up empty. When was the last time she'd even done shopping? She couldn't remember. When everyone had come over in the last few weeks, they'd all brought her meals. And that was all that she'd eaten then. But her appetite was back now, and she wanted more in between them. She was going to have to go to the shop.

She hadn't gone to the shop on her own since everything. The only time she'd been in fact, was with Spencer a little while ago to get milk. Even then, she wasn't concentrating on it much; she just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. JJ grabbed her purse from the chair it was on, in the kitchen, and headed over to the coat stand before she could think twice. It seemed a stupid thing to even consider being nervous about. But now was the time to push herself, test her boundaries. She refused to be one of those people she saw, through no fault of their own, who were completely lost and fractured inside after a terrible event. With years passing by, not leaving the same room...she couldn't imagine it. That wasn't who she was. She was a fighter, and fight she would. Her sister would have hated to see her become one of those chronically crippled people in pain from loss. She could say it easier to herself now, though it still stung. **Her sister.**

As she stepped outside, the coldness of the air took her off guard. It was an unusual weather year this year. Everything seemed chillier than it should be. She clutched her purse tighter to her body, and strode off to the corner shop.

When she finally reached it, she plunged herself inside to the warmness; her cheeks tingling from the temperature change. The friendly woman behind the desk greeted her, and JJ smiled back, blinking under the harsh lights illuminating the few rows of food and essentials. She picked up a basket by the door, and set off confidently down one of the aisles, calculating what she may or may not need tonight.

JJ picked up a bag of gummy bears and threw them in. She could always ask Hotch before giving them to Jack. He could keep them for another day, the sentiment was the same. JJ wasn't sure, she didn't have kids and she knew Hotch was quite a strict parent. She'd let him decide. Secondly, she walked past the groceries, stocking up on some vegetables and deciding that she would actually bother to cook a proper meal tomorrow. All those ready meals couldn't be good for her when she was left to her own devices. She fingered the stem of the broccoli, musing over how normal this experience used to feel to her. Maybe the unfamiliarity of it would wear off soon.

On her way to the wine section, she accumulated a pack of biscuits, a big bar of chocolate and a tub of ice cream, deciding that she would invite Emily over tomorrow, and knowing she'd appreciate the latter item she had just put in her basket. She had been away all week with Morgan, and JJ knew Sundays were her relax days where she practically did nothing. Except usually curse a hangover. She'd call her as soon as she got in. Emily was so even-headed, JJ figured it would be good to just have a final talk and laugh with her before she had to go back to work. No doubt she had heard about her plans with Hotch anyway and would want to discuss those. JJ cringed at the thought.

Not knowing whether Hotch was a white or red wine kind of person, or whether he even drunk wine at all, JJ decided on red to suit his alpha-male profile. She hoped Hotch wouldn't take it in the wrong way, trying to make it out to be something it wasn't. Turning up empty handed just felt rude, she had to come bearing something. Once she had paid, and hurried out of there, wanting to get home, she felt a flicker of excitement run through her nerves at the thought of tonight.

* * *

><p><em>"JJ! Hi come in!<em>" Hotch greeted her happily. He ushered her inside out of the cold, taking her coat from her as she started to shrug out of it. She realized he was wearing jeans and a brown sweater, and was thankful that she'd dressed informally too. She had considered something a little more dressy, but not quite up to the standards of work. Eventually, she had settled on some black skinny jeans and a deep orange jumper, with her favorite silver hooped earrings. For her hair, she'd just left it down, feeling that putting it up would look like she was trying to make too much of an effort.

JJ proffered him the bottle of wine she'd brought, wanting to get this part over with, unsure of the reaction.

_"I urm, I didn't know what kind of wine you liked or anything, but I thought I may as well bring it."_ She said honestly, trying to make it seem more casual than it was. She saw him smile genuinely; he seemed to save these kinds of smiles for outside the office.

_"Oh you didn't have to JJ, but thanks. We can have it with dinner."_ He said before closing the door behind her.

JJ glanced around his house. It had looked so different last time. Of course, back then Jack wasn't living here also. The walls were a beige color, and straight in front of her was the living area. It had a black leather sofa and a small flat screen television at the other end. A picture of Hotch and Jack was hung up on the wall by the sofa. JJ recognized it as the same one in his office. He probably didn't have that many of them together. Next to that was a picture that was obviously drawn by Jack. The colors were bright and vivid, and there was a splattered image of, what JJ thought, was a dog. On the floor were some toy cars spilled out. It looked like Jack had just been playing with them.

Hotch motioned for her to come into the kitchen. It wasn't dissimilar to JJ's in the fact that it had a breakfast bar and stools, however this was considerably bigger. The kitchen countertops were shiny chrome, with the accessorises matching.

_"Take a seat. I'm just finishing dinner. Hope you don't mind, it's just spaghetti bolognaise?"_ Hotch asked, as he hung up JJ's coat and went over to the stove to stir something in a saucepan on the top. JJ smiled at him. It was so strange seeing Hotch outside of work, in his own environment. He looked so different, so comfortable. It was like he was a completely separate person. JJ thought it would be awkward coming here, she'd had her doubts as well as excitement, but this already felt natural.

_"That sounds great."_ She said, sitting down on one of the stools and reaching into her purse. "Ooh almost forgot. I thought I'd get them out now, seen as he's not here." JJ smirked, handing Hotch the bag of candy. He gave her a bemused look and cocked his eyebrow in questioning.

_"I wasn't sure if you'd let Jack have them tonight or not, so maybe save them."_ She explained, Hotch nodded.

_"Good thinking. That was very sweet of you JJ thank you. He loves gummy bears."_ Hotch replied, putting them away in the cupboard and continuing his stirring.

_"So, how are you feeling?"_ He asked her, only half facing the cooking food, so that he could look at JJ. She internally sighed. She didn't want this night to be about the pity everyone felt towards her. JJ was better, she really was. It was going to be a long healing process but the wounds were closing up and beginning to seal themselves.

_"I'm really great Hotch. I haven't felt this good in ages."_ She responded. It was the truth. Her stomach no longer hurt, her last check up at the doctors had been great, she'd woken up for the first time not crying this morning. As far as she could tell, these were all very positive signs.

He analysed her for a moment, and seemed content. _"Good. You look better."_ He said quietly, and looked away to the stove.

JJ felt herself blush. Hotch, giving her a compliment? Or was he just being polite?

_"I must have looked bad before, huh?_" She asked laughing. Even just remembering how she'd felt in herself, made her realize that she couldn't have exactly looked her best. She'd been afraid to shower for so long for fear or seeing her scar or naked body. The fear of the vulnerability was slightly diminishing, though she still avoided looking in mirrors for too long.

_"However you looked was understandable._" He said, before looking back to her again smiling. She cringed. Hotch had phrased it in such a nice way. Wanting to move on to another subject, she raised another.

_"So, is Jack going trick-or-treating before dinner?"_ She queried, looking at her watch. It was quarter past six, prime time for the kids to be out. She'd seen a few already milling around the neighborhood. Hotch glanced at his own watch.

_"Yeah. I was just making sure this was fully cooked which it basically is, then we can reheat it later if that's okay with you? He should be getting dressed now."_ Hotch replied.

As soon as the words had come out of his mouth, a thumping of footsteps echoed from the hallway. JJ turned towards the door just as Jack came bumbling in, head to toe in a pirate ensemble.

_"Daddy daddy look! Look at my costume!"_ He cheered up and down on the spot before realizing JJ was sitting there, and stopping to stare at her.

_"Jack, you remember Miss Jareau from work don't you buddy? You remember that she's coming with us tonight?"_ He asked, putting the lid back on the saucepan and sweeping Jack up in his arms. Jack nodded but suddenly seemed shy. JJ's heart melted at the image before her. It was rare to see these two interacting.

_"Say hello to her then."_ He said, gently nudging Jack. Jack played with his eyepatch nervously.

_"Hello Miss Jareau._" He mumbled. JJ smiled sweetly at him.

_"You can call me JJ Jack, it's okay. Or Jenny, I don't mind."_ She informed him, thinking it would be easier for him to say. He was seven, but he still had a slight lisp, especially now that his front teeth were out. Plus, she didn't want him to think he couldn't call her by her first name, something a bit less formal too.

_"And I must say, I do love your outfit."_ She added, smiling widely.

Jack beamed back at her at this. _"Thank you. Aunty Jessie picked it!_" He squealed as Hotch put him back down.

_"Well, she certainly has good taste._" JJ said enthusiastically, glad that he had seemed to warm up to her quickly. He nodded before pulling on Hotch's leg.

_"What buddy?_" He questioned. Jack mumbled quietly. Hotch frowned.

_"Jack I can't hear you, it's okay, you can speak up."_ He assured him, glancing at JJ and smiling. Jack looked back at JJ, suddenly looking a little upset, and then back to Hotch.

_"Is Jenny coming with us cos she needs cheering up?"_ He asked, fiddling with the buckle on his belt. Hotch's face flooded with color, something JJ found more amusing than the comment Jack had just made, obviously ratting Hotch out. He looked at her apologetically.

"_Jack, remember, we talked about this._" He said, leaning down and putting his hands on Jack's shoulders. "_Miss Jareau is here because she's my friend, and she wanted to see you. And if that makes her happy then that's great isn't it?_" He asked gently. Jack nodded and smiled again.

_"Okay. Are we gonna go now?"_ He asked, jumping up and down on the spot again. JJ could see Hotch take a breath of relief. He gave her a knowing look. JJ shook her head and smiled, dismissing it.

_"Yeah, dinner is all done now so we can go. Have you got your coat? It's chilly_." He said to Jack.

_"Daddy, pirates don't wear coats_." Jack said sardonically. JJ smirked. He was too adorable. It was strange how much of his features were Haley's, yet his attitude and facial expressions mimicked Hotch's perfectly.

_"Well then, Captain, don't complain when you get cold later."_ Hotch said jokingly, and readjusted the hat on Jack's head. He turned to JJ.

_"Are you okay to go now? We won't be out long. Just around this block. Unless, you want stay here whilst we go..."_ He trailed off, suddenly considering JJ being too tired to walk, or not wanting to come. He hadn't really given her much choice in the matter had he? When he'd asked her, it wasn't as if she had any other excuse to use not to come.

JJ shook her head. _"I'm coming with you if that's okay."_

Hotch smiled. _"Yeah, yeah that's great. Come on then Jack._" He said ushering Jack out of the kitchen. _"Put your boots on buddy!_" He called through the door as Jack ran off into the hallway. He turned to JJ.

_"I'm really sorry about that. It's not like I've gone and told him everything. He just asked about you when I told him you were coming. I told him you'd been a little poorly recently, that's all. I know it wasn't my_-" JJ cut Hotch short with a wave of her hand.

_"Hotch. It's fine."_ She murmured. It really hadn't bothered her. How could it after everything he had done for her?

_"Okay."_ He muttered before stepping back to let JJ out of the kitchen. "_Now you've just got to help me with the impossible mission of not letting him eat sugar before dinner._" He said, rolling his eyes.

* * *

><p>As the three of them sat around the table, JJ felt a sense of being suddenly at home. Hotch had poured her a small glass of wine, seen as she had to drive later, and one for himself. Jack had insisted on having his blackcurrent juice in a wine glass so he didn't feel left out. She tried to eat as delicately as she could, but spaghetti was one meal that was not easy to eat neatly.<p>

_"Hotch this is delicious._" JJ murmured, rubbing her belly as she finished the last of it. She felt like she'd eaten so much. Hotch was nearly done too, but Jack was taking his time.

_"Glad you like it_." He replied, putting his own fork down on his empty plate before looking at Jack who had resorted to fingers. _"Jack!"_ Hotch chided, and he reluctantly picked up his fork again. JJ laughed, but then immediately felt bad. She didn't want to encourage Jack, so she turned it into a cough. Hotch didn't look angry though.

_"Jenny, do you think I had the best costume tonight?_" Jack suddenly asked, poking at the long spirals of spaghetti in front of him. Jack had continually spoken to JJ all night much to JJ's pleasure. She was worried that he wouldn't remember her, or be reserved and uncomfortable around her, but quite the opposite, he'd taken a shine to her.

_"Of course!"_ She replied straight away, seeing Hotch smile. "_Though I did love that little girl's fairy costume too._" She said playfully.

_"Melanie's?_" Jack asked. JJ remembered what Hotch had told her about this. JJ nodded. Jack had a proud look on his face.

"_She's my girlfriend_." He retorted. JJ made herself seem shocked.

"_Your girlfriend? Wow. Well she's very pretty._" JJ responded. Jack giggled, slurping up his food. He gave a tired look to Hotch, obviously desperate for candy. Hotch frowned.

"_Two more spoonfuls then you can have **some **sweets._" He instructed. They both watched as Jack melodramatically shovelled the rest down.

_"Now?"_ He asked, pleased.

"_After you've helped me take the plates through._" Hotch commented, getting up to clear away. JJ stood up to help but he stopped her.

"_You stay here, it's fine."_

Jack briskly helped his father carry everything back through to the kitchen, before emerging for the last time to the table with his bag of treats. Hotch followed and they sat back down again.

"_Okay Jack, Only three pieces tonight. We don't want you getting sick._" He said caringly. Jack pouted but started to pick out which one he would start with. Once he had decided on some foam bananas, he leant back in his chair, frowning as he sucked on the sweet.

_"Jenny?"_ He asked. JJ looked up at him expectantly.

"_You know that Melanie is my girlfriend?"_ He reiterated. JJ nodded, taking a sip of her drink.

"_Are you Daddy's girlfriend_?"

JJ choked on the wine she was swallowing, spluttering a little, before realizing she'd have to answer that question.

"_What sweetie_?" She asked, prolonging the time to try and think of a reply. She looked at Hotch desperately. He interjected.

_"Jack, why would you say that?_" He asked, confused and embarrassed. Jack picked up another banana, pulling it apart with his fingers. He wore his own confused face.

"_Well, Jenny never comes here. And suddenly you're spending a lot of time with her. Lewis in my class at school says that adults who are boyfriend and girlfriend stay at each other's houses. And that's what you've been doing. That's why I go to Aunty Jessie's more._" He concluded, chewing on his sweet wistfully.

"_Jack..._" Hotch began, seeming lost. JJ suddenly decided that maybe she should be the one to make things a little clearer.

_"Jack._" She started herself, putting down her wine glass. _"You remember that I've been very sick?"_ She asked, and Jack thought for a minute before nodding. "_Well, your daddy is my **friend**, and friends help each other out in rough times don't they_?" JJ asked again, trying to get Jack to see the point. She couldn't help hearing his question repeated over and over in her head though. The sound of it coming from Jack's mouth...

_"Well, I was so poorly that your Dad helped me cook and things because I couldn't do it myself. That's all._" She said carefully. One wrong word and she could make this a lot harder for Hotch. Jack huffed resignedly and picked up a lollipop from the pile.

_"Okay_." He said, shrugging his shoulders and thinking nothing more of it. Hotch mouthed a 'thank you' over the table as Jack looked down at the wrapper of his candy. JJ smiled.

Eventually, after Jack excitedly telling them he could do five times tables, and showing them, he finished his sweets and went to get ready for bed. Not before practically bouncing off the walls on his way upstairs. Hotch rolled his eyes.

_"He's going to be a nightmare tonight after all that sugar."_ He mused but laughed a little.

"_Good luck with that_." JJ replied.

_"Listen JJ, once again, I'm so sorry for what he said. He's just at that age where he questions everything. He shouldn't have said that. Don't worry, I'll make it clear to him what the situation is._" Hotch said apologetically.

_"Hotch. It's fine, I get it, you don't have to worry._" JJ said, but she felt her heart grow heavy after his last sentence. Why was she feeling this way? She had bigger things to worry about right now. She was just recovering, and her feelings were misled in the wrong direction. She would be returning to work on Monday, not to mention she had to face Emily tomorrow after she confirmed to come over. There were larger issues at hand than what she was temporarily feeling. It would pass.

"_Shall we make a start on the plates? We can get it done in no time with two of us._" JJ said, motioning towards the kitchen.

_"No it's fine, I'll do it later._" Hotch said, waving it off.

_"Hotch, c'mon let's do it now."_ JJ said, going to get up from the table. Hotch, seeing there was no point arguing, followed her. As the evening had worn on, JJ had felt more and more relaxed in Hotch's house. She pushed open the door, and after they sorted out the plates on the side, began running some warm water.

"_I can wash._" Hotch said, going to reach for the yellow gloves. JJ grinned.

_"Not much of a dry-er?_" She said sarcastically. He raised his eyebrows and smiled.

"_So I have to prove my masculinity by washing, so what_?" He asked light-heartedly. JJ sighed.

"_Give me the cloth then._" She said, holding her hand out and pretending to not look amused. He passed her the towel, and they got to sorting out the dishes. Hotch ran the bowls under the soapy water, and then passed each one to JJ who dried them carefully, and put them on the side.

"_Thanks Hotch, I had a really good night._" JJ said suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence. Hotch looked at her as he dipped a knife into the bubbles.

"_You're welcome. Jack obviously loves you_." He said cheerfully, and handed JJ the knife. She smiled.

Tonight had been strange in a good way. She'd felt...needed by Jack. And she could tell Hotch hadn't exactly had the worst time having someone to stand out in the cold with whilst Jack and a few other friends hopped from door to door either. They'd mostly just chatted about JJ coming back, and Hotch telling her how excited the rest of the team were. But they'd spoken about other stuff too, stuff JJ would never have usually dreamed of talking, or learning about her stoic boss. She found out that Hotch was reading Harry Potter to Jack every night before bed. And that Hotch had bought Reid 'A Clockwork Orange' for his birthday, which JJ had completely forgotten about after everything that had happened. It was earlier on in the month, when she wasn't in such a good place. She made a mental note to make it up to him. She'd also learnt, that Hotch's favorite band was the Beatles. All of these qualities added together, only gave fuel to the fire inside JJ. He'd been made more human after tonight, and the last few weeks. She'd never seen him in this light before.

_"He's a cute kid. You've done a great job Hotch._" She murmured, whilst drying the cutlery, musing over the evening's events.

"_Thanks. You can call me Aaron outside of work you know_." Hotch said, somewhat timidly. JJ looked up, puzzled.

"_What?_"

"_You don't have to call me Hotch. I understand it's a deeply ingrained habit, but you know. After everything I feel like we can probably call each other by our first names when we're not in the office._" He said, smiling, and handing the last of the silverware to JJ. She felt her heart flutter.

"_It's going to take some getting used to._" She replied, positive that her face was a deep beetroot color. He chuckled.

"_Well I like to think that I'm a little different from who I am at the bureau. Aaron kind of works better in my home_." He shrugged, rinsing out the sink. JJ felt her heart go down the drain with the spinning water.

What did all of this mean?

"_Well, _Aaron_, I think Jack is not in bed._" She whispered, freezing and making sure she was right the first time when she'd heard a bang. Hotch stopped what he was doing and frowned too as she pointed at the ceiling. Just then another thud of footsteps was heard. Hotch rubbed his gloved hand across his forehead. JJ laughed.

"_I hate Halloween._" He moaned.


	25. The Old Her

**A/N: Sorry that it's been forever (again). I had such bad writer's block and also been extra preoccupied with revision still. Have no fear! I am finished now -almost- so I have lots of free time on my hands and will be updating more. **

**Nothing much really happens as such in this chapter, but I didn't want to skip over too much, as I felt that it was good to the story if I included it. I also needed a way to help it move forward.**

**If anyone's still interested at all, then thank you. The reviews are so helpful whether they are one word or two hundred. If you don't like the story however, you do not have to read it :)**

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><p>JJ watched as Emily scooped another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. That girl could clean out the tub in no time.<p>

"_What?" _Emily asked through a mouthful of the stuff, smiling a little as she caught JJ's eye.

"_Nothing, nothing. You just get through a lot quickly, that's all." _She murmured, putting some into her own mouth. Emily had had most of it in comparison to her. "_I think I underestimated, after all these years, how much you love ice cream." _JJ laughed and Emily smirked.

"_Good call with the maple syrup Jayje." _Emily uttered before shoving another spoonful in.

After they'd both finished it all and JJ had cleared away the bowls, Emily turned so that they were facing each other, on opposite ends of the sofa.

"_Thanks for inviting me over JJ. I've had a great afternoon." _Emily said, reaching out her hand to meet JJ's which was lying out across the top of the cushions. "_I just can't even believe how great you're doing. It's amazing that the old JJ is back." _She said sweetly, and JJ smiled. She'd missed the quality time she spent with Emily. She had considered herself to be closer to Garcia, having known her for longer. But in the nature of the job, she'd had to work alongside Prentiss in different ways. Ways that could bond a person together for life. And it was true what she was saying. She did feel like the old her again, slowly but surely.

"_No problem. I miss our Sunday afternoons together." _JJ mused and Emily nodded. After a moment's silence, Emily spoke up again.

"_Are you scared for tomorrow?" _She asked hesitantly. JJ felt some butterflies whirl at the sudden thought of it, but she pushed them aside.

"_You know what? I am, but in a good way. I know it's gonna take a while, but I feel so much more prepared. Plus I'm working mainly with Garcia and she will take care of me." _JJ said jokingly, but she knew Emily could see that she was serious deep down. No word of it was a lie, the nervousness had to be interpreted as excitement, and it was.

Emily nodded, pursing her lips. JJ could tell she was holding back from saying something. She tilted her head to the side, knowing where this conversation was probably going.

"_What is it Em?" _She questioned with some trepidation.

JJ really didn't want to get into this. Not with her first day back at the bureau so close on the horizon. She hadn't had time to figure out her feelings from yesterday yet. When she was saying goodbye to Hotch, he simply patted her arm. Was it wrong for her to want something more? A hug maybe? No. That was wrong. That wasn't in Hotch's nature, and even if it was it was inappropriate...

Emily had a twinkle in her chocolate eyes as she cleared her throat. JJ's heart thudded loudly.

"_So...I just wondered how Halloween at Hotch's was?" _She asked, trying to seem innocent but JJ picked up on the implication.

"_How did you...?" _JJ began to ask, wondering who had told her.

"_Rossi knows a lot more than he lets on. He's a bit of a gossip too believe it or not." _She said grinning. JJ felt her cheeks tinge pink. Emily noticed this.

"_Jayje...you're not seriously...?" _Emily asked, suddenly deadpan.

JJ couldn't think of anything to say. Was it worth lying to her best friend about her feelings? It was ridiculous, utterly stupid. Emily's dark eyes bore into hers.

"_It was nothing. Just dinner. He was being nice, that's all." _JJ replied, suddenly interested in playing with a button on her cardigan. It didn't take even a profiler to see that she was lying.

"_So, it all went...okay then?" _Emily pressed further and JJ could tell that she was basically asking her if anything had happened. JJ nodded her head.

"_Yeah, it was fine. Nice to get out of the house you know, for a reason other than hospital appointments or therapy." _She said, feeling her face flooding with more color each second. Half of her felt terrible not telling her friend the truth, but the other knew it was for the best. Nothing could come of her immature feelings.

"_I see." _Emily muttered. "_I don't think anyone has actually been inside his house you know. Apart from, us with the Foyet situation." _She backtracked, and JJ knew that she didn't need to say anymore.

"_I know. But Hotch has been great you know. He took such good care of me, not that you didn't, but I think he was just what I needed." _JJ said apologetically, realizing that Emily had come to stay with her to help, unsuccessfully. But Hotch's attitude was the perfect remedy to her dark mood. He pressed without going too personal.

"_He certainly has." _Emily said, her mind deep in thought.

Another couple of hours passed by with normal talk, before Emily announced she really had to go. The team were leaving first thing in the morning for Houston on a case, so JJ would be staying behind and working things from her, and Garcia's office. JJ had only just found out this afternoon that Hotch had been training Emily a little in some of the communications and press side of things, to help make up for the things JJ wouldn't be doing for a while. She felt terrible, learning this, but knew that she wasn't ready to face grieving families **quite** yet, so the guilt subsided.

As Emily was about to leave, she turned around and hugged JJ.

"_You're going to do amazing tomorrow, don't worry." _Emily whispered into her ear. JJ felt her dark hair brush her neck as she embraced her.

"_Thanks." _She replied, and Emily pulled back, holding each of her shoulders with her hands.

"_Be careful JJ." _Emily spoke softly, before waving goodbye and heading out into the fresh November evening.

And JJ couldn't help but think she wasn't talking about her first day back at work.

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><p>It had been a month since JJ had returned back to her job. And so far, despite everything, she had surprised herself and others at her competence in coming back. Working with Garcia more was just as easy as JJ thought, and she found herself actually not wanting to go home at the end of the days.<p>

Her therapy sessions were going well, and Doctor Bravaro didn't think she needed many more. In her last one, she had pointed out to JJ that maybe the fact that she was recovering quicker than expected, was because even though it was a deep wound, it was after all, many years ago. The "scar had been reopened" as she had put it, but it was finding it easier to heal a second time. JJ realized that she had spent years grieving throughout her childhood and teenage years, and half of her felt like it had already done a lifetime's worth. Her sister's murderer was in jail, something JJ hadn't wanted to discuss anymore with anyone just yet, and for that she was thankful.

When JJ walked into Garcia's office this morning, carrying two cups of coffee from the local cafe, she was greeted by an abundance of tinsel lavishly strung up all over her monitors.

"_I'm surprised you haven't put these up earlier Garcia. It's December the first!" _JJ said sarcastically but couldn't help laughing. Typical Garcia. She held the cup out for her, and Garcia took it gratefully before turning back to her monitors to finish typing out something.

"_I know! Usually I'd have my decorations up straight after Thanksgiving, but I've been so busy.__" _Garcia moaned as she multitasked. JJ took a seat next to her, smoothing down her pencil skirt.

"_Well, you're still the first at the bureau, so that counts for something_." JJ murmured whilst gazing at the screens around her.

"_Running that license plate for Morgan?" _She asked Garcia suddenly, as the numbers and letters made sense.

Garcia nodded as her fingers clicked around in a whirlwind motion. "_No matches my love, but I'm sure they'll find another angle." _She huffed, breaking away from the computers and looking at JJ as she took a sip of coffee. "_What about you, did you get anything from the hotel manager?" _

JJ shook her head, exasperated. "_No, nothing. He says he didn't leave until five thirty that night, there's no way to know for sure, as the cameras were very conveniently not working." _She rubbed her forehead. Being up all night in her own office trying to help the team on their most recent case in Utah was proving to be exhausting, but she was enjoying it oddly enough. It took her out of her own thoughts and into the mind of others.

Garcia handed her a file, her gold glittered nails glinting under the light projected from the screens.

"_What's this?" _JJ asked, confused.

"_Hotch faxed it over. It's the latest victim. He wants you to take a look at it and see if a fresh pair of eyes would help." _She said shrugging.

JJ bit her mouth. Hotch hadn't asked her to look at an actual **casefile **of a victim since she'd been back. Maybe he was trying to see if she could handle it. Either that, or he was trying to help her ease back in. She took a deep breath, opening the pages, desperately trying to control her anxiety in the back of her mind, over what was on these sheets.

As she flipped it open she saw a gunshot wound to an elderly male's abdomen. She flicked through the others, reading up briefly on the M.O. This wasn't as bad as the thought. She'd seen gruesome stuff immediately coming back, not that Hotch had pushed it on her, but by mere chance. But she was already becoming numb to it again surprisingly.

"_You okay there partner?" _Garcia asked, suddenly interrupting JJ's silent rejoicing over her strength and being able to distance herself from the pictures. JJ looked up.

"_Yeah, I'm great. Should I add this to the board?" _She asked, motioning towards the clipboard now set up in Garcia's tiny office. It had a few pictures of the previous men – when they were still alive – on it, in chronological order. Garcia nodded and called Morgan back, telling him that the plates were no match and the hotel was a dead-end.

As the morning progressed, JJ stared over and over the casefile. It was like she was trying to embed it into her brain word for word. She didn't even know why she was looking over it so much when suddenly something hit her about it. A piece that was out of place.

"_Garcia, look at his initials." _She snapped suddenly, causing Garcia to drop her afternoon snack of biscuits.

"_Good lord!" _She hissed in surprise, but turned her chair around, squinting towards what JJ was pointing at.

"_JJ, you're not seriously going that cryptic are you?" _She asked sardonically. JJ shook her head.

"_No, listen. It says here that after a past attack in his hometown, he changed his name for protection reasons. Look at each of his initials." _She pressed, and Garcia paid attention closely. "_Now look at his old initials of his previous name too." _She hummed, amazing herself. This was either a brilliant revelation, or a very stupid mistake.

"_Oh my god. All of the letters...match...to the last place of the killing before that. Is that too vague?" _Garcia asked, still confused.

"_It's like he's had this all planned out. In reverse order...which means..." _JJ trailed off as Garcia cut in.

"_That he has an end target in mind?" _She asked, but JJ was lost in thought as she looked over the victims before the most recent, matching the pieces of the intricate puzzle. She chewed on her pen lid before turning her attention back to Garcia.

"_Call Hotch." _She said simply, and she heard Garcia click a button before a familiar voice echoed around the small room.

"_Hotchner." _

JJ hurriedly explained what she'd found to him, denouncing after that it was probably nothing. She heard Hotch call Reid over to the conversation, as he put her on loudspeaker with the others. The sound of him gathering a pen and drawing on a board on the other side of the line was heard too.

"_Is what JJ said making sense Reid?" _Hotch asked, so deep in thought himself, JJ knew he was already thinking three steps ahead of this killer, predicting his next move subconsciously and adding more to his profile. After a minute Reid replied.

"_Yeah. How did I not see that?" _Reid asked, somewhat offended by himself. Morgan chuckled.

"_The genius just got outdone by the blonde." _Morgan said comically. _  
><em>

"_Okay, everyone I think we're ready to deliver the profile." _Hotch ordered, and people on the other end were shuffling around. She heard a click as she was taken off loudspeaker, and Hotch spoke more softly into the phone.

"_Nicely done JJ." _He said, before hanging up. Garcia turned to JJ smiling, and JJ felt her face burn up again, like it had with Emily a month ago, and like she knew it did whenever she saw Hotch in person. She was suddenly acting like a school girl. All the same, she still felt warmth run through her at feeling important in the team again.

"_I guess our girl is well and truly back." _Garcia exclaimed before standing up, trying to get her balance in her pink heels. "_Gotta use the bathroom. Don't touch anything missy!" _She ordered jokingly as she pointed a finger at her, and then tottered down the corridor.

JJ smiled to herself before she felt her cell phone buzzing in her pocket. That was unusual. She always kept it on, but who could be calling her on here when they usually just called Garcia's office? Looking at the bright little window on her phone, a name popped up that made JJ's stomach drop. With fumbling fingers, and a deep exhale, she answered it.

"_Mom?" _She asked nervously.

"_Jennifer." _The other voice said, in just the same tone. JJ didn't know what to say next. She hadn't spoken to her mother in years. She presumed that the team had rung her when JJ had been in hospital, she guessed that she'd been told everything probably by Emily or Hotch who would know what to say right. Yet she'd still never even bothered to check up on her. Not even call a few months ago whilst JJ was lying in a hospital bed, on the verge of death.

"_What do you want?" _JJ asked, suddenly bitter before realizing that her mother would be suffering the loss of her daughter, as well as JJ's sister, all over again. She was surprised that she was even sober enough to find JJ's number after all this time. This news would surely have pushed her over the edge.

"_I don't know if you're busy honey, but I just wondered if we could talk." _A timid voice crackled through the speaker. Just then Garcia came back in, mid sentence, before she saw JJ was on the phone.

"_Hold on one second." _She said, before turning to her friend.

"_Garcia, I've gotta go and take this in my office. Come get me if you need me, okay?" _She asked, and Garcia nodded, still looking puzzled.

By the time JJ had reached her door, she closed it behind her, locking herself in. This was a conversation she didn't want anyone to walk in on.

"_Okay Mom, you can talk now." _She replied, still coldly. There was a brief pause before the voice on the line spoke up again.

"_I was wondering if I could come visit you." _Her mother said suddenly, and JJ was taken aback by this request. She picked up a ball of elastic bands on her desk, and started rubbing them between her fingers, wanting to transfer her unapparent anger onto the inanimate object. Was it bad of her to feel this angry towards the only person left she was truly sure she loved despite everything?

"_What?" _JJ asked in shock, and wanting to prolong her need to answer.

"_Honey, I need to see you. Please. I know we haven't spoken in a while, and this must seem out of the blue, but I think it's time." _Her mother said, more determined this time, and JJ nearly scoffed at her phrasing.

"_Mom, you can't just call me up at work, not after all these years." _JJ chided but felt her guilt seeping into her voice. She would do anything for her mom after all, but the shock was still present.

"_I know, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." _A quiet voice muttered against JJ's ear. She felt herself sigh.

"_When were you thinking?" _She asked, resigning to the fact that they would have to face each other. In whatever state that may be.

"_I'm not sure, whenever you're free." _Her mother suggested. JJ couldn't explain the next thought that popped into her head. She briefly considered inviting her over during the end of the month for Christmas, but then decided against it, remembering how her mother and holiday drinks didn't go well together.

"_Mom, I'm so swamped at the moment with work, I'm not sure when I'll have time. How about the week after Christmas? I don't think I have anything on then." _JJ offered, her voice threatening to break abruptly, as she felt the onset of tears at the sound of her mother. She had almost forgotten what it had sounded like.

"_Alright. I'll call you nearer the time for details. I have to go sweetheart. But it was really nice talking to you. I hope you're okay." _Her mom's own voice quivered before JJ suddenly heard the sound of the phone hanging up.

Her mother had never been much of a talker.

* * *

><p>She knocked on the dark wooden door before hearing his voice tell her to come in, and made her way to his desk.<p>

"_Hey Hotch, do you have a minute? I wanted to ask you which case you think we should go to next." _JJ asked, before seeing him nod and stop writing as he turned to look at her.

"_You said __**we**__." _He noted, furrowing his brow in concern.

JJ cracked her fingers on each hand anxiously, trying to think how to word her next request. Carefully, she sat down.

"_I want to come with you. I've proved for the last couple of months that I can do my job. I want to go back to my old position." _She said defiantly, unsure of his reaction. It was worth putting it out there.

It was only a few days away from Christmas, and most of the team should have been off on vacation by now except there had simply been too many cases to ignore, for even a little while.

Nothing much had happened in the last four weeks. Everyone had been almost too busy to even catch up socially, though JJ had gone out with Morgan, Prentiss and Garcia for drinks after work one night a couple of weeks ago. All of this seemed much easier than she thought. The transition back into her old life was happening quickly, and JJ was glad. She was genuinely happy for the first time in what felt like forever. Her therapist only wanted one more session with her, and even Strauss had commented on how well she was performing.

JJ felt the familiar stir in her stomach as Hotch's eyes locked onto hers. She was suddenly seeing him differently after all these years. She paid more attention to each line on his forehead, each button on his suit, which tie he wore each day. And she hated herself for it.

"_JJ...you've barely been back at all. I'm not sure that's a good move." _Hotch warned, and sat forward in his chair. JJ shook her head, determined to do this. She wanted to be **all **in now.

"_You know I have one more therapy session left Hotch, you see me every day. Even Strauss noticed it! I'm doing great, way better than I ever thought." _JJ sighed as she pushed the files onto his desk. "_Portland and Alabama, two completely different cases, both of the same severity. I'm prepared for either." _She said confidently. With it being so close to Christmas, she knew that they'd probably have to leave on the 26th latest. Her heart panged when she remembered what she'd told her mother. She'd have to ring her and postpone it a bit. Work was the most important thing right now. She wasn't throwing that away again.

"_I do know that. You're handling it incredibly well. I'm impressed I must say." _Hotch said, smiling slightly. JJ took this as a good sign.

"_Technically, you don't even have to clear this with Strauss. She said that you were solely responsible for me now." _JJ said lightly, trying to weave her way into this as best as she could.

"_JJ what we're going to see won't be easy. It could trigger some very painful memories." _Hotch said caringly.

"_I know. But obviously, you don't take me straight to the crime scene. I can stay back and work the geographic profile with Reid, help the local PD and handle press coverage and conferences again. I know I'm capable." _JJ emphasized, doing her best to keep her eyes locked onto his.

Finally he leaned back in his chair, his shoulders hunching in defeat.

"_Okay. I'll make sure you take it easy though when you join us. Nothing too much." _He added as he saw JJ's face break into a smile.

"_You won't regret this Hotch." _JJ spoke, before going to get up. Suddenly, she thought about what she'd been considering all week. It only seemed right to repay the favor after Hotch had invited her over.

"_Hey Hotch, are you busy tonight? I mean, if you have Jack today or whatever then that's fine, but I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a meal maybe?" _

As soon as JJ had said the words, she couldn't believe it. Had she actually vocalized that out loud? She felt her heart beat fast as she looked at his reaction. He looked down at his hands before he gazed back up at JJ.

"_I don't actually have Jack tonight." _He started, and JJ could feel her pulse quickening. Hotch looked out of the office window, towards the bullpen where everyone was working, as if he was checking if anyone was listening or watching. "_That'd be great." _He confirmed. JJ smiled.

"_If you're sure, then you can stop by after work. Is it bad if I order a take-out?" _JJ said, uncertainly, worried that she'd put Hotch on the spot too much, but he seemed genuinely excited. She cringed at her lack of effort.

"_You know what, a take-out would actually be perfect. I haven't had one in ages." _He murmured, before picking up his pen again. JJ got the sense that she should leave, as she saw all the papers surrounding him. After that sentence though, JJ was reminded of the laid-back Hotch that night she'd gone round his for dinner. The one that neither of them had spoken of again since.

"_Oh, and I'll take a quick look over these and let you know my opinion, but what's your gut?" _He asked, and JJ hesitated. She wasn't all that good with going with her gut, obviously. She frowned.

"_Portland?" _She muttered, unsure of herself.

"_Okay, I'm sure that'll be the right move." _Hotch said as JJ walked towards the door, her blonde hair swishing in it's ponytail. She smiled, letting herself out. By the time she'd got to the bottom of the steps into the bullpen, she saw Emily staring straight at her. And JJ didn't need Emily to say anything to know what her message was.

"_Be careful." _

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><p><strong>AN: It only takes a second of your time and it really makes me happy - please review and I'll love you forever.**

**I'm sorry if I'm making some mistakes regarding the American language & holidays etc... A very lovely reviewer is letting me know these and I'm trying my best to fix them!**


	26. The Mistake

**A/N: Posting this now as I've just written it and thought I'd update before I just head out. I'll check back over it later so I apologize if you're reading it now and there's any typos etc... I'll go over it asap.**

JJ paced nervously on the spot. She'd rushed straight back from work to her apartment, and changed clothes instantly. She had brushed her hair back into a bun, and applied a little lipstick, ignoring all the warning signals going off in her head. There was something about the way she cared about her appearance around Hotch now, more than ever.

Eight o clock on the dot, the doorbell rang. Trying to refrain herself from practically sprinting to the door, JJ finally reached it and opened it to reveal the very person who had been dominating her thoughts all day. Hotch smiled, and JJ detected something else behind it. Is it possible he could look...shy?

"_Hotch! Come in_." JJ said, motioning inside as he walked into her home. He was wearing his work clothes, but his jacket and tie were off; his shirt loosened around the neck a little. She smiled. Hotch held out a bottle of wine.

"_Returning the favor from Halloween_." He explained as JJ took it out of his hands, her skin brushing past his. "_And, please, Aaron like we talked about." _He chided gently and JJ felt her skin go pink. It was still hard to think of her boss as the same person as Aaron. They seemed miles apart.

"_Thanks...Aaron." _She blushed whilst leading him into the kitchen. He settled himself down on a chair, obviously comfortable in this environment after everything they'd been through here.

"_Are you hungry? I didn't order yet because I had no idea what you'd want." _JJ said, proffering him the menu from the local Chinese takeout. Hotch took it from her, his eyes scanning over the writing.

"_I'm starving actually. You know what, I haven't eaten junk food in so long, I'm actually excited for it." _He chuckled lightly and JJ felt her heart flutter at the sound before she did a reality check and tried to shake the feeling off.

"_I'm so sorry. If I wasn't so lazy I would have made something. Just work with work and everything-"_ She tried to explain but Hotch cut her off.

"_It's fine," _He waved dismissively, "_Plus I don't exactly know if I can trust your cooking." _JJ scowled at him playfully and Hotch looked up from the menu grinning.

"_One day, I will prove you wrong, and that I can cook." _She mumbled but secretly enjoyed the teasing remarks between them.

"_Hey! And it's our last few days off work before we start that new case, so we have an excuse to drink this." _JJ said, pointing towards the bottle, and turning around to the cupboard to get out a couple of wine glasses. Hotch shook his head.

"_I have to drive! And have you seen the weather out there?" _He murmured, looking out of the kitchen window. The snow was starting to fall a tad heavier than the last couple of days.

JJ poured the wine carefully into the glasses, handing Hotch one before taking a seat down next to him and glancing over the menu herself, even though she already knew what she wanted.

Hotch scooted it along the table to her. "_Think I'm just going to go for classic sweet and sour chicken." _He said. JJ laughed.

"_What?" _He asked, mock surprise on his face.

"_The irony." _She muttered, and Hotch gave a half smile, his eyes lighting up.

"_It's nice to hear you laugh." _Hotch whispered suddenly, taking JJ off guard. She wasn't even sure she had heard it.

"_It's nice __**to **__laugh." _She replied before she could think about it.

After ringing up the restaurant and ordering, JJ and Hotch continued to sit at the table chatting casually until the doorbell rang half an hour later, indicating that their food had arrived. As JJ took the food off the courier, she suddenly saw Hotch appear beside her, taking out his wallet.

"_How much?" _He asked, and JJ immediately pushed him gently, looking at the man outside.

"_Doesn't matter, this is mine." _She replied, and quickly fished out some money out of her pocket, practically thrusting it into the poor guy's face before Hotch could.

Once she had taken it back through to the kitchen and set out the table with plates and cutlery, Hotch spoke up.

"_Thanks JJ, but it was okay, I could have gotten it." _

"_Don't be stupid. This is my treat." _She dismissed, prising the lid off her Chow Mein and taking the seat opposite Hotch at the breakfast bar. Hotch did the same with his, and fished it onto his plate.

"_So, where's Jack?" _JJ asked, trying to be polite and make conversation.

"_Jessica has taken him to see his Grandma before Christmas. They'll be back tomorrow. We'll all be around for Christmas day at mine." _Hotch said nonchalantly. Suddenly his eyebrows drew together as he realized.

"_Will you be on your own? You can come over if you like." _He added, snapping his chopsticks apart before dipping them into his food.

JJ felt her body flood with warmth. Had Hotch really just asked her to spend Christmas with his family? All of this was so sudden, it was moving too quickly. This was not an action from just a friend surely. Following the warmth though, followed guilt.

"_No no, it's okay. I'm probably just going to spend it with Garcia. She doesn't really have any family to spend it with either. Thank you though." _She explained, trying to use her own chopsticks with not as much success as Hotch's deft movements of his. "_Besides, I wouldn't want to intrude, it's a time for you to be with your family and loved ones." _JJ added, trying to justify the declination of such a lovely offer.

"_JJ, I think you fall into that category." _He said, as he made a swift lift of his food with the sticks into his mouth. **Which category? **She'd was dying to ask. The two were so similar but so far apart, which one did he mean? JJ continued to fumble with hers.

"_You're as bad as Reid." _Hotch said playfully and leaned over the table, resting his hand on top of hers that were holding the chopsticks. "_Look, try it like this." _He suggested, moving her fingers into an easier position. JJ's breath hitched as she suddenly couldn't look up at him anymore.

"_Better?" _Hotch asked, before returning to his own.

"_Much, thanks." _JJ spluttered, as she reached for a gulp of her wine. Her and Hotch had now finished the bottle between them.

"_So I hate to talk work at dinner, but it's all been cleared. You can come with us, provided you talk to your therapist about it before we leave. You know coping mechanisms and all that stuff." _Hotch said, changing the subject. JJ felt her heart sink at the less personal talk appearing, but was glad overall that she was finally being where she wanted to be again.

"_That's fine. And I'll stay behind at HQ, work the press from there?" _JJ asked, just to make sure they were on the same page. Hotch nodded.

"_Do you think you're up for heavily grieving families yet?" _He asked quietly, but JJ could tell it was more of a rhetorical question. She sat further upright, scooping a mouthful of noodles in, and swallowing hard. It would be tough, she knew, but she could do it. She was strong.

"_I can do it." _She reiterated. Hotch looked confused for a moment, before deciding not to push any further.

"_Okay." _Was all he replied. And they finished the rest of their dinner in a comfortable silence. Presumably both musing over similar thoughts. Eventually, when they were talking some more, JJ told Hotch about how her mother had rung up to say that she wanted to see her. Hotch seemed happy for her about it and encouraged her to do it, despite JJ voicing her concerns.

"_Why do you want me to so much?" _She asked, mildly curious as she tidied away the plates into the dishwasher with Hotch's help.

"_I think maybe...she needs you right now more than you need her." _He said with trepidation. JJ scratched her forehead and sighed.

"_Ever the profiler." _She responded and Hotch smiled. "_You know what, you're right. I'll call her in the morning and see her after our Portland case is over." _JJ voiced her thoughts, and Hotch seemed content that he'd been able to convince her.

Once they were finished tidying away, Hotch picked up his car keys from the top and headed over to the door, announcing it was probably time for him to make his way back. JJ realized that she actually didn't want him to go, as pathetic as it sounded. Whenever he was with her, he made her feel...**human.** She walked with him through the apartment, opening the door to look outside. What they both saw, was a shock.

The whole ground was covered thick with a heavy layer of snow. It completely submerged Hotch's and JJ's SUVs. The trees' bare branches strained under the weight of the white powder and the sky, though dark this time of night, gleamed with the reflection of the bright surface, highlighting the moon full and high above them. Even standing inside, JJ could feel the bitterness of the air's temperature, and she immediately realized the same thought that Hotch did at that moment.

He was not going home.

Hotch groaned a little at the sight of it, before closing the door of JJ's apartment shut to keep the cold out. He stashed his keys back into his pocket.

"_Maybe a cab driver will come out?" _JJ suggested, but already she was thinking of how perfect timing this was. Just to have him stay a little longer...she felt selfish and guilty but at the same time, there were stirrings of happiness. Hotch caught her eye and laughed, and JJ burst out laughing too. This was so bizarre. Hotch snowed in at her place. The office would surely have a laugh at this after Christmas, she had no doubt it would spread in one way or another.

"_Right. If my SUV is this useless, I doubt their cabs would work." _Hotch snickered to himself, and JJ saw that he didn't actually look that angry himself despite the situation.

"_Hotch, I'm just going to put this out here because I know it's late and it's the holidays so we don't have to work...but you can always take the couch. They'll probably come by and clear it in the morning." _JJ said, her voice shaking as she said the words. She didn't want them to be interpreted into something else. She tried to gage his reaction. Eventually, he shrugged his shoulders and grinned.

"_Guess I don't really have a lot of options right now. I hope Jack and Jessica can get home..." _He suddenly mused, as he walked back into the lounge and plonked himself into his usual chair. JJ collapsed onto the couch opposite.

"_Don't worry, main roads will be okay." _She muttered, and saw Hotch rubbing his face wearily.

"_Hey, how about I get some more wine from the fridge. May as well drink if we have nothing else to do?" _She asked tentatively. To her surprise, Hotch looked up and nodded his head.

"_I think that's actually a great idea." _He replied.

...

"_No, no, I really shouldn't have anymore." _JJ protested, slurring her words a little. Hotch didn't look in that much of a better state than her. His eyes were coming down drowsily after they were just finishing the second bottle that JJ had happened to have in her kitchen.

"_I always knew you were a white wine woman." _Hotch exclaimed as he ignored her and poured the remainder into her glass. She took it without complaining and drank a little.

"_Like I knew you were a red kinda guy." _JJ replied, feeling braver in her words. She'd tried so hard to be polite with him, to keep it professional even through their unusual 'friendship', but now that the alcohol was flowing between them, both of their barriers were coming down even more.

Hotch laughed. "_Exactly. I think we do know each other too well though." _He mumbled, finishing the last drop in his glass. JJ put down hers on the table at these words. She was getting sick of all these cryptic messages.

"_We're just good at our job." _She muttered, trying to figure him out and after a moment, he nodded, his eyebrows raised.

"_Right."_

JJ stifled a yawn that suddenly overcame her, not wanting to go to sleep even after these extra couple of hours with Hotch than she'd intended. Something about him being here, in her home, felt so right. The holiday feeling was running through her veins, and she was suddenly over come with happiness.

"_Thank you for everything this year. I know I may have said it before but I just want to let you know how much I needed everything you did. No one else could have done it the way you have done."_ She whispered, picking up her glass again in need of something to occupy herself with whilst she began to open up.

Hotch gave her a warm, hazy smile. "_You're always welcome JJ." _

Another yawn overcame JJ. "_I haven't had this much to drink in quite a while." _She said, giggling. Hotch laughed.

"_Maybe we should sleep it off now. You look tired, go to bed." _He said, care tinting his tone. JJ felt the current stir within her.

She had to make it stop.

"_You're right, I should." _She mumbled as she heaved herself up off the sofa with an effort. The room spun slightly and before she knew it Hotch had grabbed onto her arm with a firm grip.

"_Steady." _He warned.

"_I'm not even drunk." _She quipped back, and smiled. JJ turned her head up to him, and as she stood so close, she could see that his dark eyes sparkled. Under this glowing light of the one lamp on beside them, his features looked softer and more detailed. She could smell the wine on his breath as well as her own as she breathed out. His hand was still on her arm, but suddenly it wasn't gripping her anymore, it was holding her. His other arm came up to her other side, and soon she was enclosed by him. She felt her stomach flutter as the electricity lit up inside her at his touch.

"_Hotch..."_ She started, not knowing what else to say, but knowing what she wanted to happen next. She moved in closer to him, feeling his warmth radiate off his body and onto hers in the coldness of the room. He seemed to make no move to separate himself from her.

"_Aaron." _He corrected gently as he too, moved closer now, and bent down his head to make his lips touch hers.

Before JJ knew what was happening, she thought that this must have been a dream. Because nothing felt this right that was so wrong, and nothing had felt this good in such a long time. His lips were surprisingly soft as they traced hers, and she felt the intensity grow, becoming more and more urgent on each end.

"_Aaron." _She hummed between breaths, reiterating his request. The name so freely floated from her mouth. Emily's voice resonated in her head but she stopped it impatiently as she reached up and wrapped her own arms around his neck, playing with the small hairs on the back of his neck. His skin felt so hot to the touch, and JJ knew hers was the same. His own arms encircled her tighter, and she pressed herself into him.

Eventually he pulled himself away, but not without a groan of loss from JJ. She stared up into his face, trying to see what was the matter. She didn't care about the consequences right now. With the wine circling her system and disrupting her judgement, and her true feelings showing through she couldn't think ahead. This was right here, right now, and this was what she wanted.

Hotch closed his lips and removed his arms before taking a step back.

"_I should probably get some sleep now." _He muttered bashfully and JJ saw him touch his lips with his fingers before shaking himself out of whatever had come over him.

"_We've both had too much to drink, and we're both obviously just stressed from work." _He carried on talking, but JJ didn't want to hear it. Why did he have to ruin and stop from what was supposed to happen?

"_Aaron." _She started forcefully, knowing this would get his attention. "_Please just tell me, do you have feelings for me? I know this is against the rules, and I know you're my boss but this can't all be one sided." _JJ shook her head in disbelief, feeling herself getting angrier at him. _ "Please tell me it isn't."_

He shook his head and stepped back again.

"_I'm sorry JJ. I shouldn't have done that. Goodnight." _He said, ending the conversation and offering no further explanation.

Embarrassed and confused, JJ stumbled back into her own room, where she didn't even bother to take off her clothes before collapsing into bed.

**A/N: Quite short in terms of content. I've been on vacation/holiday for the last little while which is why I haven't updated. Although it was amazing, it is even more so to have wi-fi again which I realize makes me a little sad ;)**

**Trying not to rush this relationship, or whatever it's going to be. Hope you're still enjoying it.**


	27. The First Case Back

**A/N: Chapter 27! Can't believe how far I'm getting. I've had really bad writer's block but pulled through and came up with this little chapter. Things are getting more interesting for me to write now because I'm excited at the idea of Hotch/JJ figuring this thing out and what will happen! I hope you understand I have to take it slow and be cautious as there's so many rules in the FBI and a lot going on with JJ right now ;)**

**Please review. Honestly, when they slow down like now, I start to wonder if people are still enjoying it! Tell me what you liked/loved/hated/anything.**

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><p>"<em>Reid I want you back at HQ doing the geographic profile, Prentiss and Rossi, you two go to the crime scene, Morgan and I will head over to the morgue, and JJ can go over everything with the victim's families again to make sure we have all the information we need<em>."

The sound of Hotch's voice filled the jet. JJ tried not to notice the fact that Hotch had avoided addressing her directly when giving out the orders. The thought of why had her cringing too much. She'd chosen to take the furthest seat away from him as he sat with the others. Only Prentiss was sitting close to her on the couch opposite JJ's single chair, and she was well aware that Emily's eyes never left her. You couldn't hide any with profilers, let alone your best friend. JJ looked up from the case file she had in her hands and towards her. As soon as Emily's caught hers she looked away, embarrassed.

"_What_?" JJ whispered, not wanting to interrupt Hotch discussing something with Morgan which she should probably be listening to.

"_What, what_?" Emily asked, feigning confusion, and pretended to skim over her own file in front of her.

"_You've been staring at me all day. Why?_" JJ questioned, knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep up the pretence much longer. She would have to tell her eventually.

"_You tell me._" Prentiss said back in hushed tones with a wicked smile. JJ felt her face go as red as the sweater she had on, and she looked back down again at the pictures of blood-splattered interior of a kitchen. She was sure this would be a trigger, and send her into some uncontrollable panic attack, so JJ had called her therapist before they had left and asked for advice. She had told her everything they had already gone over; staying in control of your surroundings if possible, what to do if a flashback or attack came, and how to handle it. She had felt a little more confident, but not much. She knew though she was surrounded by the people that understood her, and what had happened. She felt as safe as she could.

As JJ flicked through the pages, ecstatic to be on the plane again despite the awkward conditions, she thought back to her recent Christmas with Garcia. She had gone over to hers and exchanged gifts. The two of them had somehow managed to cook a turkey, and potatoes to go with it, and even though it was only the two of them, it felt comfortable and easy. Garcia had been dressed in a bright green jumper complete with pom-poms on it to look like baubles, and to top it off, red antlers on her head. They had laughed as they drank wine and watched cheesy holiday movies. By the time evening came around, JJ had had too much to drink to drive so she had crashed on Garcia's couch. It seemed strange for her to be the one who was a guest in someone else's house after being so used to her home being bombarded with people over the months. JJ had kept her mouth shut about that night with Hotch. There was obviously nothing left to think of it, despite what she still felt, because he plainly didn't feel the same way. Garcia had prodded her for information, and JJ complied, leaving out some key details. The truth was, a lot of it was blurred to her. She had woken up in the morning, not wanting to face up to the horror of what she'd just done that night. By the time she'd walked out of her bedroom though, Hotch had gone with not even a trace that he was there, except the heaviness JJ felt on her lips as she relived their moment together mentally.

JJ had rung her mom yesterday to tell her that she could come to visit in two weeks when the case was over, and even though she was dreading the thought of seeing her again, and resurfacing such horrible memories, there was a part of her that longed for the nostalgia of family. Something she had gotten so used to living without over the last few years. Of course, the BAU was her make-shift family of sorts, but there was nothing like the flesh and blood of home.

JJ was whisked out of her thoughts when Prentiss spoke up again.

"_You sure you're going to be okay talking to these families_? They're not going to be in good shape you know." She murmured, leaning further forward in an attempt to prevent the others from hearing. They didn't need to worry, they were all in heavy conversation still with each other. JJ sighed.

"_I appreciate the concern Em, I honestly do, but I really want people to stop asking me that. I know what this job entails, I have done it for the last seven years you know_." JJ tried to say lightly but it still came out a bit too flippant. Emily nodded her head.

_"Of course. I'm sorry, I can't help being worried about you. But if Hotch and Strauss think you're ready, then you definitely are._" She apologized, putting down her case file next to her.

"_Think this is gonna be a long one._" Emily sighed, and JJ put hers down too, her mouth feeling dry from anxiety. Not of being on the case though, of having to face up to what had happened. Would they ever talk about it? Or would he simply pretend nothing had ever happened? JJ was sure he felt the same way, everything he had done for her...

**He was just being nice. **

She felt a lump begin to form in her throat.

"_I'm going to go get some coffee_." She murmured before standing up and pushing open the material curtain that led to the sink and food area and toilet. There was a fresh batch that Rossi had made already in the thermos jug, so JJ took out a cup from the cupboard and started pouring, taking extra care with the slight turbulence. Not a moment later, the swish of the curtain was heard and she saw Prentiss closing it behind her, and standing in front of it, blocking JJ's way back out.

_"Emily, seriously, what is with the third degree_?" JJ asked, focusing on the task in front of her, not wanting to meet her friend's eyes.

"_Jayje, something happened with Hotch didn't it_?" Emily asked, her eyebrows raising in disbelief. She folded her arms, determined to get an answer. JJ rolled her eyes.

"_What makes you say that_?" She replied, picking up her cup and warming her hands up with it as she leaned against the counter. She knew she wasn't going anywhere until this conversation was over, and frankly she was in no hurry to get back to everyone.

"_The way you're both avoiding each other. The obvious lack of talking directly to you, the fact that you keep glancing up at him when you think he's not looking, him glancing at you when he thinks you're not looking... I could go on, but I won't. It's obvious there's something between you JJ._" Emily stated and JJ felt mortified that she had picked up on this. If she had, then surely everyone had acknowledged it too. She rubbed a hand across her face wearily, but her heart was beating quicker after hearing what Emily had just said about Hotch looking at her too. Was that true?

"_JJ, you can talk to me, I won't judge you._" Emily said, quieter and more sympathetic this time. JJ took a deep breath in.

"Okay..."JJ took a gulp of air._ "We kissed._" She continued hesitantly, knowing there was no point in trying to deny it. As soon as she had said it she immediately felt better anyway. She felt like she had been harbouring an awful crime. The weight lifted off her shoulders a little. Until she saw Emily's eyes widen as she gasped.

"_JJ you-!_"

"_Ssshh!_" JJ hissed, hitting Emily on the shoulder and listening hard to make sure the conversation outside was still flowing, which thankfully it was.

"_No need to shout it_!" JJ reminded her as Emily managed to regain her composure.

"_JJ...I...what are you going to do? Do you like each other like that or were you just drunk or something_?" Emily whispered again, peering through the gap in the curtain to make sure no one was coming.

JJ shook her head in confusion and shrugged her shoulders. "_Em, I don't know. Yes we had something to drink that night, but...there's been this feeling there for a little while. I never thought about him in that way before, but now suddenly, I can't stop thinking about it. This is so wrong, he's my _**_boss_.**" JJ gulped as her mind wandered off to outcomes she didn't want to think about.

Emily continued to stare at her, unsure what to say.

_"Please don't look at me like that_." JJ sighed, taking a sip of her drink as she felt the lump in her throat resurface.

"_I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. Have you not talked about it with him? JJ, there's no way out of this, relationships within the unit are forbidden_." Emily said nervously.

_"Let's not mention the R word right now please_!" JJ said sadly. "_And no, how are we supposed to even start a conversation after that? After it happened he seemed pretty upset with himself that he did it. Hence the avoiding each other." She said more quieter. "I mean it's obvious he doesn't feel that way about me._" Her voice wavered on the last sentence.

"_JJ, I don't think it's that simple. If you could see the way he looks at you from an outsider's point of view, I think you would see that he probably does. But hey it's not my place to say._" Prentiss responded, moving closer and putting an arm around her shoulder. JJ kept her breathing steady, not wanting to cry over something so stupid.

"_I'm not sure you're right. What do I do though? I can't just bury these feelings._" JJ asked helplessly. Emily stroked her forearm with the hand around her.

"_Just, don't get ahead of yourselves. You really need to talk about how you feel with him JJ. God, this must be so bad for you._" She said softly and JJ nodded.

"_I'm being so ridiculous. I've only just gotten back to work really after everything that's happened. I've only just been able to finish mourning my sister** again**, and accepting what's happened and why, and now this. Strauss would have a fit if she knew what was going on. I'd be straight out. I'm already treading on thin ice._" She said honestly. It felt so good to be letting everything out to Emily.

"Don't worry; things have a way of working out. I'm glad you told me, I had no idea it was this deep though. I didn't think you'd actually act on your feelings." She replied to JJ, pulling away from her and pouring herself her own cup of coffee.

"_I think that was the wine acting on my feelings._" JJ said sardonically, but managed to laugh a little at it. Just then the curtain flipped open again and there stood Hotch, looking extremely uncomfortable. JJ didn't know what to say or do, so she just stood there, holding her cup.

"_I'm just going to the bathroom._" Hotch said, motioning behind JJ and she nodded. Prentiss gave a look to both of them before ducking back through into the main part again, closing the material behind her. JJ was just about to walk out herself when she heard his voice.

"_JJ wait."_

She turned around, so desperately not wanting to. But to hear him talk to her properly made her pulse quicken again. She looked up into his stern face and saw it soften a little.

"_What happened_-" He started nervously, but JJ held up a hand.

"_Please Hotch, we don't need to talk about it_." She mumbled, going to leave again, thinking it was for the best when he put a hand on her arm to stop her. She halted, and looked at his hand, then to him, and he withdrew it straight away, sensing he had made a mistake with the physical gesture.

"_We do need to talk about it. Just not here. I understand this is bad timing with the case and everything that's been going on. But maybe we can find a few minutes when no one else is there to straighten things out? It needs to be done._" He said in his unit chief voice, something JJ recognised so well. His mask. He was no longer Aaron when he used language such as this. She felt herself get angry at his choice of words but she kept calm.

"_Sure, straighten it out_." She sighed and walked away through the curtain.

...

_"So Mrs Lawson, can you remember what time your husband left the house on the Tuesday_?" JJ asked a distraught looking woman, who sat opposite her on a couch in an office at the Portland PD. The woman shook her head slightly and opened her mouth to talk.

"_I wasn't in. It was sometime in the afternoon though I think, but I-_" As soon as the woman had taken a breath in she had burst into tears. She smeared a hand over her face to wipe the wetness of her cheeks. JJ leaned forward, mirroring her body language and remembering her original training, as if it had all gone from her memory suddenly.

**Oh god, remember what your therapist told you JJ. You must remain strong. **

JJ took a deep breath in, steadying her whirring thoughts and pushing them down sharply. She would not let them win, not today. Not on the first day back of her job again. When she'd finally been able to do what she had always done before all of this. She was in control, she had to be professional.

_"Here."_ She said, handing her a tissue that was on the desk next to her. The woman took it gratefully, and JJ moved to sit next to her on the couch, gingerly placing an arm around her, like Prentiss had done to her on the plane.

"_I promise you we will figure all of this out. But we need your help_." JJ said caringly, but firmly, surprising herself at how well she was doing so far. She didn't feel the need to cry, she didn't feel so far that she would have a flashback or panic attack. Her distancing was working again.

Mrs Lawson finished snivelling and pushed the tissue back up her sleeve, wiping her eyes with finality.

_"I'm sorry, of course._" She responded, and JJ shuffled backwards but continued to stay with her there.

"_You have nothing to apologise for, this is an extremely tough time for you, I understand."_ JJ said, keeping eye contact with her, trying to reassure her.

"_Tell me, Agent Jareau, do you know what it's like to lose someone so close to you, that you can't go on functioning anymore?_" The woman said, her sad hazel eyes reaching into JJ's for comfort. JJ felt the flicker of anxiety in her chest, and repeated her therapist's voice throughout her head. Why did this have to happen today of all days?

_"Yes._" JJ said back, her eyes going to the floor this time so she didn't have to see the emotion in the woman's opposite her.

_"How did you make it through?_" She asked feebly, her voice cracking. JJ knew that she had to open up a little to give her what she needed. Even though one of the things they had always been told for this kind of job was to keep it about them, not about yourself. You were unavoidably and indirectly forced to dehumanize yourself, even though JJ had tried to keep grip on her emotions over the years, because you had to show compassion, and this proved harder for the others in the team.

_"You make it through, because you don't have a choice. You can't give up, it's not an option. I know this all seems so horrendous now, but the only way to help your husband is to help yourself. You can't stay closed off and stop your life. It's not how it works. You have to, for him._" JJ said forcefully, and gently patted her on the back. There was a few moments silence.

The lady sniffed hard before JJ's eyes met back with hers again.

_"Thank you. I needed that._" She murmured and JJ felt herself give a sympathetic smile.

_"I needed it too._" She replied.

...

As JJ pushed open the glass doors to find Reid drawing on a map pinned up on the board, he immediately turned around to look at her.

_"JJ! You okay?_" He asked curiously, his eyebrows frowning in concern.

"_Yeah I'm good, why wouldn't I be?_" She replied, taking a seat at the table by Reid so she could study what he was looking at, and maybe help.

_"Just wondered. So it all went okay with Mrs Lawson?_" He asked again, doing a bad job at hiding his worry. Out of all the BAU members, Reid was the worst at covering up his feelings. He may be a genius, but he was a bad liar.

_"It was fine._" JJ sighed, remembering how devastated she was, and found herself wondering if she would ever move on from her husband's death. The look in her eyes had been so broken. JJ mused over this image; had hers looked the same? She snapped back to Reid instantly though.

_"Eventually, she said her husband left sometime in the afternoon which would make your geographic profile right. He couldn't have travelled more than what you said before in that amount of time. Mrs Lawson left for work at half eight in the morning, she rang her husband at quarter to one for their usual chat on her lunch break, and he had a conversation with her for fifteen minutes, so that takes us until two at the earliest. She got home from work at six o clock roughly, and that's when she realized..._" JJ trailed off, not feeling the need to go into further detail. Reid nodded eagerly, circling more areas on the map.

After a couple of minutes of no one talking, Reid spoke up again.

"_I'm glad you're back with us JJ._" He said simply, whilst pushing some pins onto the paper. JJ smiled.

_"Me too."_

...

"_You did well today JJ._" Morgan said as he walked with her through the hotel corridors. Their rooms were opposite each other so they had said goodnight to the others a flight of stairs down, and parted ways. From anyone else this would sound condescending, but there was something about Morgan's voice that calmed JJ. Maybe it was the fact that he was such a chilled out person in his nature that she felt at ease. She could tell this was a genuine compliment.

"_Thanks Derek. Hey I've been meaning to talk to you. Now that I'm healthy and everything again, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little hand to hand when we both have some free time? I would really appreciate it_." She mentioned as they slowed down when they neared their rooms. Morgan was the best at combat. That's what he had thrived in at the academy, and JJ hated the empty feeling without her gun on her hip at times. She hated feeling vulnerable. Although she considered herself pretty tough and strong when it came to kicks and punches, the extra work couldn't hurt.

_"Sure thing. I actually just finished renovating my last house so I got a lot of spare time right now_." He said, smiling and showing his white teeth. JJ smiled back.

"_Awesome, thank you so much. I came to you of course, because you're the best._" She said playfully, punching him lightly on the shoulder and he grinned even more at this.

"_Of course! Well you're not going to go to Pretty Ricky are you? You could snap him like a twig_." Morgan said, chuckling to himself and JJ smirked, fumbling around in her pocket for the card to her room.

_"See you tomorrow Derek_." She said, turning away from him, and slotting the plastic into the lock, seeing the little green light grant her entry. Morgan did the same.

"Sleep well JJ." He replied.

Once JJ had gotten into the room, had a shower to warm up from the freezing temperatures even inside the building, and got into some leggings and a t shirt to sleep in, she heard a knock on the door. Putting down her toothbrush next to the sink, where she was just about to clean her teeth, she wandered through to the bedroom. It had been an hour since she'd said goodnight to Derek, but she still hadn't felt like sleeping despite how tired she was from the day. Who would be knocking at her door? Then it hit her.

She stood up on her tiptoes and looked through the peephole to see Hotch, still in his suit, on the other side of the door.

_"Hang on."_ She called as quietly as she could, afraid that Morgan would hear her voice and witness Hotch outside her hotel door at this late, or very early, hour. Desperately searching through her go-bag for a cardigan or jacket to cover herself with and make herself look more decent, she found one and flung it around her, hurrying to the door. Before she opened it, she took a deep breath in, and pushed the hair off her face.

_"Hotch?_" She tried to ask as casually as she could. She crossed her arms, feeling self conscious, but knowing he'd seen her in worse states.

_"Is this a bad time to talk?_" He questioned, and JJ frowned.

_"You're still in your suit. What have you been doing for the last hour?_" She asked him, ignoring his question. He'd split off with Reid when they had gone their ways, and that felt like ages ago.

_"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking too much._" He said, his tone suddenly less formal. He looked down at the carpeted floor. JJ stood silent for a minute, before realizing that this would have to happen sooner or later, even though later would have been fine with her. She could almost feel herself blushing already at what was to come.

Saying no more words, she stepped back, and held open the door.


	28. The Point Of No Return

**A/N: Really tiny chapter. Already have the next one written so will probs post tomorrow or Wednesday! Felt this needed it's own. Don't know how people will react to this or not. Let me know! It may seem like this story is wrapping up but I have plenty more things up my sleeve, don't you worry;) And an end picture in mind I think you will love, eventually!**

**Let me know if you're feeling this ship or not/not yet?**

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><p>"<em>You really didn't need to come in here Hotch. We already talked about what happened; how much of a mistake it was." <em>JJ mumbled weakly. She was so worn out from the day, from putting on her mask to hide her emotions, from avoiding Hotch purposely trying to bury what she really felt. She didn't want the embarrassment of bringing up this conversation again with him, but at the same time any excuse for him to be alone with her made her heart skip a beat.

"_No, I talked. Or rather, freaked out a little." _Hotch replied, rubbing his forehead wearily. His chocolate eyes looked apologetic. "_Can you honestly tell me it was the wine JJ? Look me in the eyes right now and tell me that. Please." _He said with exasperation. JJ tried to keep her composure but the way Hotch was talking made her feel so vulnerable. She shook her head slowly.

"_It wasn't the wine." _She muttered, subconsciously playing with the delicate, gold chain around her neck. Hotch sighed audibly, not shifting from the spot. JJ rushed to talk, to try and fix things quickly. "_I can't lie Hotch! I can't! It wasn't the amount I'd had to drink, though that didn't help." _JJ sat down on the edge of her bed, pinching one hand with the thumb and forefinger of the other. "_I just...god." _She cut herself off as the familiar sting pricked her eyes. Hotch's face softened and he walked a little closer.

"_JJ, don't cry. Why are you upset? Talk to me." _He said. He wanted to pull up a chair opposite JJ and comfort her, but he knew this wouldn't be a good move. Not now.

JJ sniffed. "_I can't help what I'm feeling Hotch. I know this is all so sudden and stupid." _She said, spitting out the last word between tears. "_I don't even know what my emotions are, I just know that I can't stop thinking about you." _As the words came tumbling out, she couldn't believe she was saying them. She was talking so freely with her **boss**. She shouldn't be doing this. But everything had changed between them. They were no longer just co-workers, not after everything. _  
><em>

Hotch leaned over to the desk and handed JJ a tissue, which she accepted briskly and dabbed at her face. "_JJ, after all you've been through. You're just confused." _He said, and JJ noticed that his frown was back. He had returned to thinking like Hotch now, her unit chief, not her friend.

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all of that. It's okay, we can just pretend it didn't happen." _She said, trying to hide her devastation. It was true that this had all come on so suddenly, but ever since it had it was all she thought about. His was the only face she wanted to see currently, more so than Emily's or Garcia's or Reid's.

Hotch stood silent, and just as JJ feared he would agree and walk out of the door, he spoke.

"_JJ...we can't." _Was all he said. She nodded her head slightly, scrunching up the tissue tight into her fist.

"_I know, but are you telling me you don't feel **anything** for me Aaron?"_ She asked, not wanting to hear the answer, or to face the truth.

He clasped his hands together, and took a step backwards to lean against the wall a little. The lines were etched deeply onto his skin as his eyebrows knitted tightly to each other in thought.

"_It doesn't matter what I feel. This can't happen." _He said. His intonation was like a mantra though, like he was reminding himself. Almost as if he was reciting it to embed it into him.

JJ stood up, and sniffed hard. "_It does matter what you feel! It matters to me." _She took a step closer. Hotch watched her closely._  
><em>

"_This isn't a phase Aaron. I'm thinking straight now. I'm better. This is what I want." _She whispered, feeling like the whole air in the room was vibrating at this tiniest sound coming out of her mouth. She couldn't help what she was saying, it always came so natural with him. Her head was going off with alarm bells and Emily's wide and shocked eyes were flashing through her mind. He was deadly quiet again, his brain whirring. JJ could see his was battling with his two sides. She didn't want to force him into this conversation, he needed to be ready and right now he didn't look like he was.

"_I'm so sorry." _She said, suddenly backing away, crossing her arms over her chest self-consciously again. "_I'm sorry." _She repeated. "_You should go, it's late and we have to be up early. I can't believe I said all that." _She swallowed down the oncoming tears again. Hotch moved off the wall and cleared his throat. JJ tried to avoid his gaze but she could feel him looking at her eyes.

"_This is what I want too." _He breathed. JJ thought for sure she'd imagined it. But looking up into his eyes she knew it must have been the truth.

"_I need to...I need to figure some things out." _He whispered, and JJ's heart sank at the reality of this situation. It was useless, they could never find a way for this to work. As strange as it was thinking ahead to this so soon, she knew it.

"_Like what?" _She whispered back, and he moved closer to her now. She shivered as she felt his exhale softly land on the skin of her arms.

"_I don't know JJ. I just, don't know what to do." _He said shaking his head, and for the first time JJ could see how lost he looked. The perfectly composed, stoic boss was struggling with his feelings. JJ hated it knowing that she'd done this to him.

**It's both ways JJ. You didn't mean for this to happen. You can't chose these things.**

"_Well what do you think we should do?" _She asked, worry starting to build in her chest and crush down on her. Why could things never be simple? She'd been naive to think one kiss would fix all her feelings. She was silly to dream of wanting more. She had been wrong to open up.

"_For now, this." _He mumbled and bent his head down to meet JJ's lips. It took her off guard, but she responded straight away. After the first she never thought they would have a second but now that it was happening it seemed more real and passionate than the first time that was clouded with the fog of alcohol. As he brought a hand to the side of her face gently she realized how wrong it was and she cursed herself mentally but couldn't find the willpower to move away. Everything she'd wanted came down to this and it felt too good to be forbidden. She clutched his neck tightly, her fingertips digging in as her head spun. _  
><em>

"_We can't..." _She murmured as she pulled away for a quick breath but Hotch's mouth was soon connected back to hers again. It sent chills up her spine and made the butterflies in her stomach dance rapidly.

"_Aaron it's against the rules..." _JJ said again, her voice not sounding as persuasive as her mouth. He put his other arm around her waist and brought her closer to him. She ignored desperately the voice telling her she wanted more. This wouldn't happen now, that complicated it so much more, if that was even possible. How was he even doing this? This wasn't him. Moving one of her own arms around his back she felt the cool material of his suit through her fingers.

"_I'm sorry." _He said hoarsely as they breathed again. She silenced him with her lips.

She had no illusions there and then, that he had felt the same way, all this time.

And there was no going back.


	29. The Underestimation

**A/N: This chapter is quite case-related, but felt like I needed another with some more of that in to see JJ back at work! Plus I'm sure if it was all her feelings about Hotch some of you may get a bit bored ;) ...no? **

**_Please review_, I've been unsure about this story for a while now, and new opinions on it really help me. It will make a difference :D**

**p.s I am not particularly a crime writer, nor am I specialized in the actual law enforcement side of it (I have some knowledge of actual forensic science and applying in court but not of this side), so I apologize if anything is off. I try my best.**

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><p>The next morning, JJ constantly felt like her cheeks were on fire. She brushed it off as unnecessary paranoia, but to her, everyone was looking at her funnily.<p>

Hotch had left as soon as they'd broken apart from the kiss which, to nobody's concern, seemed to be infinite as they were in the moment. They hadn't said another word to each other, and JJ actually felt okay with that. She knew they'd talk more where colleagues couldn't be privy to something so forbidden. She honestly didn't know what the future had in store for them, and she tried to stop herself from thinking that far ahead, it wouldn't do any good. They would have to take it as it came.

The fact that it had even happened, let alone twice, shocked JJ to her core still. As she sat on the phone to Garcia, relaying a message from Rossi about some new leads on the case, all she could think about was how unusual it was of Hotch to do something so frowned upon. All his life he had played by the rules, never daring to step out of line or go against procedure. How was it possible that now, he had acted on his feelings so willingly? Sure, it had definitely taken them a long, long time to get to this place, from JJ's point of view anyway, but it wasn't like him to risk it all. His job, their friendship...everything had changed.

And JJ liked it.

The air around them wasn't uncomfortable when she had to inform Hotch about new news, or take orders from him on where to go next. It was oddly natural, the feeling she had. Like she didn't have to pretend to him anymore what she truly felt. And JJ knew deep down that for him to abandon all reason, he had to have felt pretty strongly the same way. What would happen next, she wasn't sure.

"_JJ sweety, you're barely listening to me. What's wrong?" _Garcia's voice chirped down the phone JJ held against her ear. She rubbed her eyes to wake her up a little. She'd hardly slept after Hotch had left last night. Her mind was too alive in good ways and bad.

"_Oh nothing, sorry. I'm just tired. It's already been a long case and we've only been here for 24 hours." _JJ replied, taking a sip of the coffee that stood on the desk in front of her. "_Did you run those names? Anything?" _She asked, changing subjects.

"_You know it. Right, well there's good news and bad. Which do you want to hear first?" _Garcia queried excitedly. **How ironic**, JJ thought to herself. They always seem to go hand-in-hand.

"_Let's start with the good." _JJ decided, after she'd taken a gulp of the drink and placed the mug back down.

"_Well my love, the good is that Mr Macguire is still working at the law firm he was ten years ago when you think this all started. It's about seventy miles from where you're at now." _She informed her happily.

"_That's great. I'll tell Hotch to send Morgan and Prentiss there then to try and find him." _JJ responded, picking up her pen and scribbling away on the notepad next to her. When she'd first come back to work, the simple task of just writing had been difficult. She had written for so long that it was scrawled and messy. It was strange how trivial these things seemed when you took them for granted.

"_Hang on a minute Garcia." _JJ said, pulling the phone away from her and scanning the room. "_Detective Windsor, can you send this address to Agent Morgan right away please. They need to go here. I'll tell Agent Hotchner in a minute."_ She called, extending her arm with the piece of paper in to a bald man coming across the room at the sound of his name.

"_Sure thing Agent Jareau." _He replied, taking the note and heading off to his office.

"_I'm back. __And the bad?" _JJ dared to ask.

"_Okay, the bad is that the Mr Webb you're looking for? Yeah, as far as my delving goes, he's gone." _Garcia answered, a tint of frustration in her voice.

"_What do you mean gone?" _JJ pressed, her face scrunched in confusion. "_We need to find him, he's the biggest lead we've got. Where is he?" _There was a sigh at the other end of the phone.

"_I...I don't know Jayje! He's disappeared! His paper trail has gone ice cold. I mean there is **no** proof that he even ever existed. Well apart from the one bank statement I have here for ten years ago." _

JJ rolled her eyes. "_What, he's cashed in and cut off all sources? Is he hiding or something?" _

"_I can't be sure JJ, I'm sorry. I just- oh wait a sec." _

She heard the sound of rapid typing on the other end and pictured Garcia frantically punching the keys, her eyes darting from monitor to monitor.

"_That's weird. There's some sort of locked file? I don't know how it got sealed in the first place, it wasn't by a judge." _Garcia said confused. _  
><em>

"_Unlock it." _JJ ordered, knowing that Garcia was probably working on it as they spoke.

"_Doing so already my love." _She responded and JJ smiled. "_Ooh, I have an address, though I'm not sure it'll be of much use. It's over five years old. This is so bizarre." _Garcia added.

"_Who would seal a file containing an old address?" _JJ asked, puzzled.

"_Someone who didn't want it to be found I'm guessing." _Garcia gravely answered. JJ switched the side the phone was on, pressing it against her shoulder so both of her hands were free.

"_Go ahead."_

_"3942 St Addam's street." _Garcia recited.

"_Do you know how long ago the file was closed away?" _

_"__I'm not sure, but from the looks of it fairly recently."_

"_I'll call Hotch asap. You're the best Pen." _JJ said as she put the lid back on her pen and held the phone once more.

"_Tell me something I don't know. PG out." _And with that there was a click at the end of the phone. JJ hurriedly closed the window on the screen with Garcia's number and pressed the speed dial for Hotch's. He answered on the second ring.

"_Hotchner." _JJ shuddered a little at his voice.

"_Hotch, it's JJ, I've got an address for Webb, it's old and someone did a pretty good job at trying to hide it from us. Think it's worth checking out?" _

_"__I'm guessing they weren't good enough for Garcia. It's the best chance we've got at catching this guy. He seemed to have regular contact with him from our suspect's recount." _He said wearily, and JJ could tell from his voice that he probably hadn't had much sleep either.

"_Detective Windsor just sent Morgan and Prentiss to Macguire's law firm. They were near there anyway. Want me to send you or Rossi the address?" _JJ asked, her mind automatically entering work-mode now she was onto something. There was nothing like the familiar rush of adrenaline as the desperation to solve a case kicked in. _  
><em>

Hotch sighed. "_Rossi and I are at the suspect's house at the moment, quite far away from any form of civilization. There's no chance it's close by is it? We've still got loads to do here." _He questioned. JJ heard Rossi talking to someone in the background.

"_Downtown from the looks of it I'm afraid." _She responded. Suddenly a thought came into her head. "_Reid and I could go by if you wanted? We're not really doing much." _JJ hesitantly asked. It seemed like a long shot, Hotch letting her into the field **properly**. But it was an old address. At most they could just ask the new owner -which it would probably have- if they had any information on the previous one? Failing that, just check out the neighborhood a bit. She could do it.

There was a pause.

"_You sure?" _Hotch said worriedly.

"_Yeah. It's probably got new owners by now seen as the address was so old. We can just try and find out a little bit about him. His paper trail has been cold for some years. It's weird. He's just disappeared into thin air." _JJ recalled Garcia's words making sure Hotch got the message.

"_Okay, tell Reid what's happening and call me when you get there if you have anything. I'll join you as soon as I can." _Hotch replied sternly.

"_Alright then." _JJ said about to hang up when a voice stopped her.

"_And JJ?" _

"_Yeah?"_

_"Be careful."_

_"I will." _She jabbed her finger onto the red hang-up button, the determination flowing through her veins. She leaned back in her chair to see down the corridor.

"_Reid_?" She raised her voice so he would hear her, and sure enough he appeared from around the corner, his brown eyes wide in expectancy.

"_Fancy a ride?" _

...

"_And Hotch was okay with this?" _Reid asked, his voice tinted with fear.

"_Yes Spence, for the fiftieth time, this is fine." _She retorted sarcastically.

"_Okay but I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me drive." _He whined, but joined JJ in laughing afterwards.

"_Because I'd rather not crash today if you don't mind." _JJ deadpanned. Reid looked offended.

"_Hey I'm not even that bad a driver!"_

Just then, Reid's phone bleeped. He squinted at the screen in the winter sunlight pouring in through the window. "_Hotch says he's on his way to join us. Rossi's staying there to ask some more questions." _

JJ rolled her eyes. Typical Hotch, didn't trust her on her own. Though she wasn't on her own, she was with Reid.

"_Reid I think we're here." _JJ said, as she glanced over at the map he was holding laid out on his lap. He followed with his finger, then glanced up out of the windshield, looking around.

"_Yup, appears to be." _He replied, folding the map away.

"_Okay, let's do this." _JJ said, turning off the ignition and climbing out of the SUV, slamming the door shut behind her. There was something about it, driving here in an FBI vehicle, on a mission, albeit tiny, with Reid again. Despite the grisly circumstances why they were here in Portland, JJ still felt a sense of elation in this moment. With her gun holstered on her hip, she began to walk confidently down the sidewalk towards the block of apartments that their GPS, and Reid, had led them to.

"_Something's strange about this JJ. The guy's basically gone into hiding for over a decade, and then recently seals a file containing his last known address?" _Reid stated dubiously as he tried to keep up with JJ.

"_Tell me about it. I'm betting he was scared **someone** would find him, so cut off all connections to the outside world." _JJ replied, her purpose growing with each step. Reid adjusted his tie around his neck a little.

"_Or the person he was running from or __**to**__ did it. Didn't want a traceable trail." _Reid offered, and JJ nodded.

"_Those are our only guesses for now." _She said, reaching the door to the apartments. Just as she was looking which button to press to buzz up to the right floor, an old woman scooted around them, punching in a few numbers before the door flung open. It was rusty on it's hinges and JJ thought for a fleeting moment how easy it would have been for Morgan to kick down.

"_You coming in Dears?" _She said, looking over Reid and JJ standing together. Between the two of them, they probably looked the least FBI-like and could easily pass as friends, siblings or a couple if they needed to. It was best not to scare people, or make them aware of a law enforcement presence most of the time.

"_Yes, thank you very much." _JJ said before Reid could try and lie his way in. She knew a conversation through the speaker by the door to the apartment they needed probably wasn't suitable for prying ears. Beside they may not have even let them into the building if they'd known the reason they were here.

JJ walked in as the lady held the door for them, and Reid mumbled a thank you too before they parted ways. JJ turned to Reid.

"_What number was it?" _JJ asked him quietly, knowing it was stored away in the back of his memory palace somewhere.

"_3942" _He stated confidently as JJ glanced around for signs. Eventually they found the right ones and a few flights of stairs leading up. After several minutes of walking, they came face-to-face with the door that they needed.

"_We're going to have to play if by ear." _Reid murmured to JJ. And she gave him a silent look that she agreed. With that, JJ knocked on the door with defiance. When no one answered, she did it again.

"_Hello? Anyone home?" _She called through the wood, but there was nothing to be heard.

"_Do we have just cause to enter?" _Reid asked timidly, eyeing up the door. JJ cocked her head.

"_Someone could be hurt, that's why they're not answering?" _JJ asked, but Reid knew she wasn't really considering this, although it was an option. This was their main lead, it made perfect sense that they could be worried about the owner's safety. Reid nodded and tried the door handle. It was locked. JJ gazed at the lock for a moment, before shocking the both of them with a firm booted heel to the handle. The door flung open violently.

"_JJ!" _Reid hissed, looking up and down the corridor to make sure no people had heard or seen what two FBI agents had just done.

The twinge of guilt JJ felt was immediately thrown aside though as they were plunged into a repulsive stench that hit them like a wall. JJ plugged her nose whilst Reid gasped for air. There was only one scent like this one. One the two of them knew well. One that never left your mind once you'd experienced it.

Death.

For some inexplicable reason, both of them drew their guns. It felt natural to JJ although she hadn't done it for some time. The movement was quick and instinctive. JJ walked in in front of Reid, scared that if she hesitated she'd never make it through the door, or what was left of it. They were silent as they pointed their weapons at arm's length, scanning the first room together, as a team. Normally, Reid would have gone into a separate room to cover time quicker, but JJ figured he was staying close by this time to compensate for the burden he felt about JJ's last experience. There was no need for the vigilance really. Both of them knew what they would eventually find. And judging by the stink, it probably happened quite a while ago.

After covering the kitchen, they moved through into the adjacent bathroom. JJ checked behind the shower curtain, her heart feeling like it was going to break out of her thin chest. Sure, since she'd been back she had been exposed to dead bodies,wounds and other awful things. But this was different. She couldn't distance herself from this; it wasn't on some sheet of glossy paper, it was happening in real life. The element of surprise was not helping her stay calm. The not-knowing what was around every corner made it worse. She felt her palms become clammy as she tried to steady her gun through her slipping fingers.

When they realized the bathroom was clear, JJ led the way into the next room, carefully pushing open the door that granted her entry. What hit her this time wasn't the smell, but the sight. As soon as she saw it, she took a few steps backwards, her eyes watering. Reid's face was animated in terror.

"_What is it JJ?" _He asked urgently, keeping his weapon up as he tried to see around JJ into the room. She put a hand out behind her to halt him.

"_You're not gonna need that gun." _She replied, feeling the need to keep her voice down although no one was there to hear them.

JJ finally put her arm down and Reid peered from behind her into the room to catch sight of what she'd just seen. On the floor, sprawled out below them was a decomposing body. The thing that struck JJ most about it, was that it didn't even look human. Every feature that should have made it identifiable, was gone. She put her gun back in it's holster, with Reid doing the same, and stayed frozen still in the door frame as he moved closer to inspect it. He held his nose, getting as near as he possibly could without damaging the scene for evidence.

"_By the looks of it, this happened over a couple of months ago." _He muttered as he took in the corpse, his eyes scanning for every little detail and putting them away in the back of his mind. "_Gunshot wound to the head. Direct and quick. Efficient." _Reid continued.

JJ felt a lump in her throat as the scene washed over her. She wasn't having a flashback episode. No. She knew what those felt like, and this wasn't one of them. It was just something she'd shut her mind off to whilst recovering; death. She couldn't handle it. And now the exposure to this gruesome picture before her had her unprepared. Just yesterday she'd been sitting working out locations with Reid. And now she was at a potential crime scene.

** No time like the present. **She thought, trying to get her head into a stable place. What she needed now was to breathe properly again. She realized that she'd been holding her breath for some time. Reid was still talking but his voice sounded far away and echoing. Taking in a huge breath was a huge mistake as JJ soon found out. By the time she'd forced herself to swallow again, the bile was rising up the back of her throat. Her eyes stung with holding in her emotions. She saw Spencer out of her peripheral vision, standing up and turning towards her. His lips were moving to say her name but she couldn't hear anything. Backing out into the hallway she clasped a hand over her mouth, feeling a tear run down over it. Before she even caught sight of Reid again, her legs were already carrying her out of the apartment and into the corridor.

Wanting to be out of the building as soon as she could, she didn't stop sprinting as she plunged down the flights of stairs. Her boots weren't really suitable for all the running but she felt no pain in her feet with all the adrenaline bursting through her system. She dared not to breathe until she had proper air. She felt claustrophobic and trapped, she needed to get out. After what seemed like forever, she pushed open the rusty door so hard she thought it would shatter into a thousand pieces, and was out into the wintry winds and the strong sunlight. Taking her first breath in, she immediately bent over and vomited all over the frosty blades of grass that grew next to the dismal building. Tears streamed down her face as she retched.

"_JJ?" _A voice shouted some distance away from her. It sounded too foggy but she could tell it wasn't Spencer. There was no way he'd have followed her so quickly. She was in no position to stand up and reply though, so she ignored it. In no time at all, there was hand on her back, stroking it in smooth circles. By the time she'd finished heaving, she wiped her mouth and dragged herself up. Turning around, she saw Hotch right beside her, a dark look in his eyes.

"_What's wrong?" _He demanded, and kept his hand on her. JJ dabbed at her eyes with her fingers and opened her mouth to reply, desperately trying to swallow away the taste.

"_We found Mr Webb." _She started, coughing a little at the bitter flavor. Hotch understood what this meant straight away.

"_How long?" _He asked, pulling a handkerchief out of his coat pocket and offering it to her. JJ took it gratefully.

"_I don't know Hotch. Quite long." _She murmured. "_Reid's still in there. If I didn't scare him senseless bolting out of that building." _JJ gestured to it with her hand.

"_I'll call Detective Windsor, and get him to send out forensics here." _Hotch said, pulling his phone out and dialing in the numbers. Whilst he was waiting for the other end to stop ringing, he turned to JJ. "_Go wait in my car. I'll tell Reid you're okay. He can wait here whist we go back."_

"_Hey Hotch-" _She said quietly. He looked at her questioningly.

"_Please ask Spence not to say anything to the others." _JJ pleaded. Hotch gave a firm nod before greeting the Detective as he picked up.

JJ wrapped her coat tighter around her, and took Hotch's keys that he was holding, before getting into the warm SUV. It was an exact replica of the one she had just been driving here, but for some reason, it felt more welcoming knowing that it was Hotch who had rode in this one.

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><p><strong>AN: Ahh so much more to come. I'm really bad at leaving it in a certain place - I apologize. Some of you messaged me saying you wanted JJ to have a relapse so Hotch could be the go-to guy so I'm throwing it in a little ;) Feel free to let me know what you want to see in a review. Thank you all for over 80 of them.**


	30. The Proof

**A/N: Reviews have slowed way down now which discourages me a little. As much as I enjoy writing this story, it's sometimes hard to have motivation if you think no-one else is enjoying it or reading it. I hope I'm not doing anything wrong, please let me know. **

**I put this story second priority to my other one - New Beginnings - as that is currently getting a lot of feedback so I feel like I should keep that as first whenever I have writing time.**

**Thanks for all the past reviews, most of them have been lovely :)**

**TIME FRAME: I said before that this was season 7 time frame roughly, so everything has happened with Prentiss, and Seaver etc... except for the things that include Will obviously as he does not exist in this. Also in my mind, when JJ returned from the Pentagon, she should have kept her role as media liaison, so that's what her official title is in this. **

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><p>JJ sat with her head in hands as Hotch got back into the car ten minutes later. She couldn't even bring herself to remove them, knowing her face would show how embarrassed she was about the situation. Hotch hesitated for a moment after closing the door, before reaching into his pocket and proffering her a packet of mints. From the corner of her eye, she saw the movement, and reluctantly reached her hand out for one. The taste in her mouth was vile, she couldn't refuse. After a minute of silent chewing, Hotch spoke up.<p>

"_Are you okay?" _He asked, and JJ turned her head to see the look of sincerity in his dark eyes. She meekly nodded her head. There was no pretending around Hotch, he would see straight through her if she put on a brave act. _  
><em>

"_God I'm so sorry." _She mumbled, shaking her head. Hotch silenced her before she could say anymore.

"_You look freezing." _He commented, turning the keys in the ignition and flicking on the heating in the car, pointing the vents towards JJ's face. The warm blast of air felt good against her freezing skin. She loosened her jacket collar a little. _  
><em>

"_Do you want to talk about it?" _Hotch asked quietly. The truth was, all JJ wanted to do was forget about everything that had happened, and lean into him; to feel real warmth run through her again. She wanted his arms around her, keeping her safe and telling her everything would be okay even if she wasn't sure in this moment it would. Instead, she sighed and looked into his worried face; his eyebrows knitted tight together in concern. _  
><em>

"_I swear Hotch, I didn't expect that to happen." _She muttered under her breath, turning to face out her window again as she saw a team of scientists enter the building, and a few other residents, including the woman who'd let them in earlier, being escorted out by some local police officers. Hotch kept quiet, letting JJ have room to talk more.

"_I know what you're thinking." _She started, facing Hotch once more with her body as well as her face this time. Her crystal blue eyes matched the clear sky above them. "_This has just added to everyone's proof that I'm not ready to return to work, I know that." _JJ shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "_But I haven't had a complete breakdown. I don't feel like I want to curl up in a ball and die anymore!" _Her voice grew louder as she grew angrier at herself and the situation. Hotch's eyes flitted down to look at his feet.

"_What?" _JJ asked, knowing something she'd said was wrong immediately.

"_I just...I hate hearing you say it. That that's what you wanted to happen to you." _He whispered, and JJ felt herself blush nervously. She shouldn't have said that. It was a selfish, terrible thing to say. Especially in front of Aaron, the person who had helped her so much through all of it.

"_I'm sorry for saying that. But my point was, that I don't feel like that now after what just happened." _She said firmly. Hotch looked back up at her wearily. "_In my opinion, I needed **that**."_ JJ said, forcing herself to smile a little. "_If I don't keep exposing myself I'd never be able to stomach it again. And I don't know about you but I think I handled my first body in quite some time pretty darn well."_ JJ was determined to get her point across. It seemed strange that in this moment, she was the one comforting Hotch almost. That had to mean something positive. The fact that she hadn't gone into a fetal position and lost control was somewhat of an achievement despite the whole getting-sick part.

"_I started off with quite a rough one too." _She added, and saw Hotch's eyebrows loosen off a bit.

"_We can't afford to do this though JJ. Integrating you back in, corpse by corpse." _He said shaking his head, though he looked more relieved after JJ's speech.

"_I'm so close Aaron." _She whispered, locking her eyes onto his.

"_I know." _He breathed, conflict written all over his features. It was obvious to her that he didn't know what to do. He was obliged, of course, to report back to Strauss, and probably her various doctors also.

"_Can we please keep this between us? I swear it won't happen again. You've seen that I'm competent enough on this case already without that minor setback." _JJ pleaded, feeling her voice shake at the possibility of being put on sick leave again. She didn't want to be back in that place where all she had to look forward to in her week was Hotch, Morgan or Reid driving her to her therapy appointments. It wasn't her that was supposed to be on the other side of the desk, being consoled. It was ingrained into her to comfort people, that was **her **role.

"_JJ, you know I don't want to do anything to compromise your wishes, but I'm your boss, I can't cover these things up, especially if it's more than once." _He informed her, his tone changing to that of authority. JJ frowned.

"_I **know** you're my boss."_ She almost spat, knowing what he was doing; distancing himself to that of a more professional boundary. "_But you're also my **friend** and someone I care about very deeply." _JJ took a deep breath in, hoping she'd hit the right spot. "_So, I'm asking you, just this once, can you not tell anyone? It's been one time Aaron." _She reminded him. After a minute of thinking, he put on his seat-belt, so JJ copied.

"_You promise me that if you feel any of those things you felt again in that apartment, that you won't try and stop me from taking you to get help from your therapist?" _He asked sternly, but JJ could feel his hint of care underneath. She nodded.

"_Thanks Aaron." _She said softly, and he placed a hand gently on hers for just a split second, before he seemed to remember where they were, and pulled out of his spot, heading back to HQ.

...

Emily ran into the room that the team were all currently in, phone in hand on speaker to Garcia. They looked up from the files scattered out on the table in front of them, and into her wide chocolate eyes.

"_Hotch I think we've got him!" _She stated loudly, and Hotch stood up.

"_What've you got Garcia?" _He asked her, his mind plunging into action-mode.

"_Okay so I did a cross check on all the people working at _Macguire's law firm with the people who fit your profile **and **have previously been arrested for a little peeping on the side."__ She started excitedly. Hotch pulled a finger up to his lips in concentration.

"_And?" _He asked impatiently.

"_And it turns out that this skeeve who has come up in my search also knew Macguire's cousin, you know the one you interviewed about Webb?" _She spouted, hardly taking breaths, leaving no room between the words.

"_He's our guy?" _Morgan asked, and Rossi shuffled through the pile of papers, pulling out the right one.

"_We thought it was the cousin all this time. It was a simple textbook case in the end." _Rossi murmured, shaking his head.

"_Well hold your horses there. I just talked to the lab who got the fingerprints back from Webb's apartment, and it turns out that **both** of their DNA has been found there. I think you're looking at two guys." _She concluded. Hotch frowned._  
><em>

"_Two unsubs?" _He reiterated, turning to Reid.

"_The conflicts in the profile...it fits." _Reid murmured back to him, studying the board that was next to him.

"_I got both of the addresses, and I've already paged them to you." _Garcia informed them, and Hotch checked his phone.

"_Thanks Garcia." _Prentiss said as she flicked the phone shut. Hotch turned to all of them.

"_Okay Reid, Morgan, I want you two to go with Detective Windsor and the SWAT team to Macguire's cousin's place." _He ordered, and the two of them sprung into action straight away, walking out of the door hurriedly and calling for the Detective. He turned back to the others.

"_Prentiss, Rossi you're with me and the few Oregon officers we've got." _He said, cringing at the thought of how few men-down they were. JJ stood up.

"_What about me?" _She asked, her face tight with defense. "_You haven't got enough people, I can come." _JJ said defiantly, and she saw Prentiss give Rossi a look of confusion. Rossi shrugged back. JJ locked her eyes on Hotch.

"_JJ I don't think that's the best idea." _He said solemnly, and the room went deadly quiet for a moment. JJ leaned over the table a little so she was closer to him.

"_Why not?" _She demanded, already knowing the answer. JJ knew in her heart of hearts though that she could do this. This would make up for her mishap a couple of days ago. She could prove herself to everyone here then, that she was capable. She needed this to grow. If there was one thing JJ was good at, it was pushing her boundaries.

Hotch's eyes darted around the room before settling back onto her. "_A word please, outside." _He said firmly, and as JJ walked to leave the room, she heard Hotch giving the other two agents strict instructions about getting the others ready and assembling the vests. They appeared a moment later, Rossi practically running out of the office with a few others in tow, whilst Prentiss darted off down a corridor.

"_JJ this is not the time. It could bring back a lot of painful memories." _Hotch said as he rounded the corner, clearly in a rush. She felt like she was being told off like a child by their parent.

"_I'm ready. __I can do this Hotch, let me show you." _She said, praying her voice stayed strong, and folding her arms over her chest.

"_You don't seem to understand JJ. This isn't the time to prove anything to me, or the rest of the team, this a real-life serious case. There very well could be people's lives at stake right now and I can't risk taking a chance on you. We need someone, when in the field, that we can rely on to stay level-headed and clear-minded so they can make the right decisions and right now, that isn't you." _He all but shouted, and JJ felt herself cowering under his forcefulness. She had never expected him to be so callous towards her. She bit her tongue to stop herself from saying anything she'd regret. JJ knew she was ready, she just needed to be given this one shot. Hotch had a team to run, she got that, but the way he was shouting in her face now was something she didn't appreciate. Everything she'd felt in the car two days ago for him, vanished in that moment. Just as Hotch was turning to leave, she saw Emily appear, extending a bullet-proof vest towards her._  
><em>

"_I trust her." _She said, looking at Hotch, not at JJ. JJ took the vest with trepidation, immediately pulling it over her head as Hotch took his own from Prentiss, not so gratefully.

"_What?" _He asked her, putting his own on with expertly nimble fingers.

"_She can do this Hotch. **I **trust her. JJ and I will go in together. I'll be responsible for her, and her for me. She's coming." _Prentiss said again unshakably, and turned to JJ now. "_Right JJ?" _

"_Right." _JJ replied, nodding. She had never felt so relieved and appreciative of Emily in her life. Hotch's face darkened in color.

"_Prentiss, we'll talk about this as soon as we get back." _He muttered, trying to calm himself and started to walk away from them briskly, motioning for them to follow. JJ patted Emily on the back as they joined him in running to the car. JJ didn't even feel the cold touch her as she opened the door to the car with shaking, but determined fingers, despite the fact she was only wearing a long sleeve shirt and the vest over the top. She climbed into the back with Rossi who gave her a knowing smile, before Prentiss and Hotch dived into the front seats, with Hotch driving. The engine roared to life instantly and she saw Prentiss flick the switch for the lights. They blared immediately, casting dancing, harsh colors around the interior of the car and onto the road in front of them. It was pitch black outside already, and they easily stuck out against the traffic as they weaved in and out of people at full speed. She quickly, fastened her holster tighter on her hip, and pushed her earpiece further in, desperate to make sure nothing went wrong. JJ couldn't even describe what the feeling was like being there with her family again, racing to catch the unsub. The adrenaline was coursing through her at the same speed as the car was flying through the crowd, and she knew there and then that this was her calling.

As soon as they arrived at their destination, Hotch slammed on the brakes, making them all jolt a little in their seats. JJ jammed her finger onto the release button for her selt-belt and joined the others as they plummeted out of the car and into the night. Beside them was another couple of patrol cars, and officers, but as they got out of their own cars, they held back waiting for instructions from Hotch. However he walked straight up to JJ; his breath fogging up the chilly air as he exhaled. She looked confused.

"_JJ I want you with me." _He said firmly, JJ clenched her fists.

"_I'm fine with Prentiss, you can't protect me from everything." _She retorted, already loosening the gun from her hip with her right hand. Hotch studied her for a moment before nodding.

"_I know, but I want you with me." _

JJ rolled her eyes as she followed him when he started walking towards the others. Prentiss gave her a questioning look briefly before listening intently to what Hotch was about to say.

"_Okay, JJ and I are taking the back, Rossi and Prentiss, the front. We don't know if he's even here, he could be with Macguire's cousin, or someplace else, but just in case he is, we're doing a soft entry. I don't want any officers in until you've heard further instructions from me, understood?" _Hotch called, loud enough for all of them to hear through the thick, winter air, but also not loud enough that the Unsub would be able to intercept their instructions.

"_What so we just sit here and do nothin'?" _One of the men asked irritably as he already clasped his firearm in both of his hands. Rossi held up a hand to stop the muttering between them.

"_Guard the perimeter. Make sure, if there's someone there, that they don't leave this area. You got it?" _He asked, and Hotch gave him a nod of gratitude. Prentiss walked over closer to Rossi ready to take the front door, and JJ knew there and then that Prentiss knew the reason for Hotch's change of mind. His protective instincts had taken over. JJ hated feeling patronized, and half of her would have considered it sexist, but she knew that there was no point in arguing. This was her one shot, she would not mess up. Things had changed between them, and she had to accept that it was only natural for him to want to save her from harm, especially after what they'd experienced together.

Hotch signaled with his hands for Rossi and Prentiss to make their way across the small garden, and Hotch turned back to JJ, motioning with his head for her to come with him. She mirrored Hotch as he removed his gun and turned off the safety mode, finding the action to come with surprising ease naturally. Holding it by her side with both hands as they stealthily moved around the back of the house, she saw her last glimpse of her two colleagues making their way to the entrance. Hotch was barely visible in front of her, and her mind immediately took her back to the night as they ran through the fields, the moon glinting off the three letters on his vest...

She shook her head and pushed it away forcefully, crouching down as she ran so as not to attract attention from out the windows. Hotch turned to look back to her to make sure she was okay before he made a move to the back door. JJ was directly on his heels, her senses hyper-vigilant as they prepared to break in. Hotch lifted his wrist up to his mouth as he spoke quietly into his communicator. "_Ready?" _He asked. And she heard Prentiss whisper on the other end, in her ear.

"_Copy that." _

"_Three." _Hotch looked at JJ to reinforce the fact that this was happening now, she nodded. "_Two." _JJ reached out her fingers to the door handle, ready to see if it was open, or if they'd have to force their way in, making it easier for Hotch to lead with his weapon. Her heart pounded hard as she awaited the simple number that would mean this was real.

"_One." _Hotch's whisper vibrated in the night air as she pushed down gingerly on the door handle, and found that it swung open quite easily. Whoever was in here, if there was anyone, obviously wasn't prepared for people to come knocking. Hotch lifted his gun to full height as he extended his arms, and swiftly moved into the house, JJ following. There were no lights on to help guide their way through this unfamiliar territory, but they both had small torches which they clicked on, and shone under their weapons. JJ realized that they were in a kitchen, and as Hotch did a quick sweep, coming up empty, JJ took the door to the side of it, remembering her training easily. Although he'd have wanted her to, she physically couldn't just stay behind him. They'd always been taught in the academy - in fact, it was **drilled **into them- that it was vital to check all possible entrances before moving on. There would be nothing worse than to be caught off guard from behind simply because they didn't guard each other thoroughly enough. When they arrived at a scene as so, they were mean to be one. Protecting and watching over the other.

Finding it was just an empty cupboard, she was back behind Hotch again, as he split off into the adjoining living room. She saw the beam of the other's torches as they made their way silently up the stairs, Prentiss leading. Despite her palms sweating, she kept her gun steady in front of her, as she moved it around the room, shifting her body to always face towards a possibility. The motion was fluid and like second nature to her, despite it being so long. As Hotch checked that room, she saw another smaller one again off to the side of it. She pulled open the door as quietly as she could, scanning it, and coming up empty. Under the light of her torch she could see what they'd expected to find in the house, according to the profile: souvenirs. There were the four men's driving licenses, that had gone missing, stacked onto a small desk. She shone the torch closer, checking she was right and sighed. Just then, straight above her, she heard a faint thud from upstairs. Frowning, but without hesitation, she began to make her way up them. It could simply be a friendly footstep, but if her family were in danger, she had to help.

"_Hotch, I'm going upstairs." _She said through a strained, almost inaudible voice into the microphone just below her collar. Hotch came in immediately.

"_JJ wait for me, that's an order." _He replied, and she heard his footsteps still in the lounge. He must have found something worth checking out in there, because he still didn't come out a moment later, and JJ was already in the upstairs hall.

"_Emily?" _She hissed into her collar again, waiting for a response. She repeated it with Rossi, but heard nothing. Either they couldn't talk because they were close, or there was a malfunction. It wasn't uncommon for Prentiss to rip her earpiece out on occasions to concentrate, even though this had had some serious repercussions for her before. Feigning confidence with her firearm, she crept across, seeing the first door on her right already open, and a pair of feet moving as she shone her light on them. With her heart ringing in her head, she moved it up to see it was only Prentiss, surveying the room. She saw JJ and motioned for her to come over, whispering.

"_I don't think there's anyone here. Rossi's in the last room now. Check this out." _She pointed to a picture of a familiar man on the wall. "_Macguire." _Prentiss stated in hushed tones, leaning over to have a closer look.

JJ heard it before she saw it. The click of a gun as the safety mode was removed. She whipped around to see a shadow of a man appearing from a door behind Prentiss, his weapon pointed towards Emily's head ready to take her out. She must not have checked that door, or seen it for that matter. He took a step forward, and JJ saw his smirk as he saw the two women. With it all happening so fast, Prentiss still hadn't even acknowledged what was happening as the man pressed the trigger.

"_Emily get down!" _JJ screamed at the top of her lungs at Prentiss who had spun around to see what was going on. Luckily, her reflexes were too sharp and she dived onto the hard, wooden floor with a loud bump, just as JJ released her finger on her own weapon's trigger without even thinking. Her hands weren't even shaking as she felt the force that came back from her gun with the deafening bang, and saw the man fall backwards in the dark. She ran straight over to him, kicking away the firearm that nearly killed her best friend, out of his reach, and leaning down to check his pulse.

"_JJ?" _Prentiss asked, coughing a little as the force with which she'd hit the floor, having knocked the wind out of her. JJ's voice was calm and cold as she responded.

"_Dead."_

JJ could see now, with the torch lighting it closely, the blood that had dripped down the Unsub's forehead from the bullet wound. She knew she should feel remorse, or feel sick, or have a flashback at what had just happened. She'd killed another human being. Something she'd only had to have done very few times, compared to the rest of them, but she felt nothing. She'd done her job, she'd saved her friend, they'd caught a bad guy. Emily ran over to her, and JJ stood up away from the man, as Emily put an arm around her shoulder. JJ could still hear her breath hitching with adrenaline. Prentiss stroked her arm.

"_It was a justified move, he would have a killed me if you hadn't." _She said, her voice unsteady and grateful. JJ put a hand up to one of Prentiss' own before looking at her.

"_I know." _She whispered before pulling her into a hug.

"_Thank you." _Emily replied into her ear softly.

And for the first time, in a long time, JJ felt needed.


	31. The Uncertainty

**A/N: So darn angsty, it's killing me! Trying so hard to keep it realistic and in character (if these two were actually a canon ship!) but obviously I have to alter them a little to keep this going. I promise you will love the end of this fanfic whenever it comes about, I have it all planned out and am inching there.**

**Please review if you're reading, I'll love you forever.**

* * *

><p>"<em>JJ!" <em>Hotch called. The sound echoed off the walls in the darkness and JJ felt her heart thud loudly at the after effects of the adrenaline tearing around her body. Prentiss still had a hand on her arm, squeezing it reassuringly as they both stood over the dead unsub, their weapons still drawn. It took a moment for JJ to realize that Hotch was looking for **her.** Not a minute later, he ran into the room, his gun aimed and his torch light illuminating the two of them in the corner. Rossi followed right on Hotch's heels, looking out of breath.

"_We're okay." _She managed to stutter, breaking her gaze from the body below her and up to Hotch. Holstering her gun, and using her own torch to shine on his face to see him, she saw the look of understanding, and then relief wash over his face. He out away his gun now slowly, and sharply exhaled. JJ felt her own breath being let out at the same time; her watery eyes looking helplessly into his. Prentiss let go of her arm as Hotch took a few steps over to her, throwing his arms around her. JJ forgot that they had two other people in the room, witnessing this affair, and she flung her own around his waist, trying to steady her breathing. It felt like the only natural thing to do; as far as she was concerned, her and her best friend had nearly died, and the only person she wanted to be with was him. The familiar smell, the comforting feeling of security she got whenever he was with her...was undeniable. Eventually Rossi cleared his throat and Hotch immediately pulled back, repositioning his Kevlar vest nervously, and turning to face the others.

"_What happened?" _He asked, his voice purposefully steady.

"_He...He came out of nowhere Hotch, he had a gun..." _JJ started, her own voice not quite as calm as his, but with her heart slowly returning to its normal pace and the adrenaline wearing off, she was feeling more in control.

"_JJ saved my life." _Prentiss interjected and Rossi and Hotch turned to her. JJ brushed her hair away from her face, sudden embarrassment overwhelming her as she remembered all the conversations she and Emily had had, and what she'd just seen as proof. She cringed, and was thankful that no one's torch was on her face now. If people had their suspicions about the two of them before, they would surely be confirmed now.

Prentiss continued. "_It was my fault, I didn't scan the room properly. I didn't even realize there was another room until he just appeared from it. I was too busy looking at these pictures to notice him draw his weapon." _She shook her head, almost as if she couldn't believe how reckless she'd been, although it was a simple mistake to make. "_JJ shot him just as he was about to pull the trigger on me." _She concluded, her gaze flitting over to JJ's silhouette now. Hotch seemed to muse over this for a moment before turning to Rossi.

"_Let's get out of here. Dave, call the others, find out what's happening with them. I'll tell Detective Windsor." _He muttered as he walked out of the room, and briskly down the stairs. JJ felt her breath hitch; he knew they'd been foolish too just by that simple show of affection. It would have been harmless if it was anyone but Hotch.

And anyone but her.

Rossi looked at her for a minute, knowingly, before turning to walk out of the room himself. Prentiss put her hand on JJ's arm again.

"_Don't worry about it. Everything will be okay." _She murmured, and JJ could hear her tone in the now-silent room.

She was trying too hard; she was lying.

Taking a deep breath, she took one last look at the man she'd killed, trying desperately not to add him to the mental list in her head of only the few she'd had to shoot in her life. And with that, and not even another glance at Emily, she walked hurriedly out of the house and into the chilly January air.

She had to explain everything again to the local cops, and by the time she was recounting it with the lead Detective, Hotch was by her side looking distracted. Once she'd finished explained, she heard Hotch take in a breath to talk.

"_Agent Jareau can I talk to you please?" _He asked in his formal tone, and JJ didn't like it. She excused herself from Detective Winsor and moved to the side, seeing Rossi's eyes watch them for a brief moment across the road, before turning back to a cop again. She sighed, and raised an eyebrow questioningly, wrapping her arms around herself to try and warm up in the cold temperature.

"_I'm sorry that I've doubted you. For a long time actually." _He admitted rather sheepishly, averting his glare to the sidewalk. JJ stayed silent, knowing that he just needed to get this out, for himself.

"_I think my reservation about you coming back to the unit though was justified given everything that happened. But especially after what you did in there just now, I realize that I haven't given you enough credit." _He glanced back to JJ now, judging her reaction to his words. She kept her lips pressed into a thin line despite wanting to smile ear to ear. To hear someone appreciate her like that was music to her ears. She'd needed the boost after the decaying-body-incident.

"_Your ability to react and act accordingly to a stressful, not to mention highly dangerous, situation has confirmed all my worries JJ." _Hotch concluded, and even in the dark evening, JJ could feel his warm brown eyes melting into her.

"_I did my job, that's all." _JJ dismissed, trying to compensate for the giddiness she felt inside. "_You know Hotch; you went through that ordeal as well as me, albeit in a different way. You never talk about it." _She suddenly said as the thought entered her mind. Everyone else around them was pre-occupied with other things so she didn't have to worry about them listening in on their conversation. In the background a car was pulling up with coroners getting out of it, but the Detective was handling it.

"_There's nothing to talk about for me. I wasn't as emotionally invested in it as you were."" _Hotch replied straight away. "_I got off easy." _He added, shrugging his shoulders, but his features had tightened a little. JJ frowned.

"_Hotch, you were beaten bloody. He __**broke**__ your nose, and nearly your jaw. You still have the scars..." _JJ pointed out as she trailed off; her eyes drifting down to the tiny mark on his face. The one on his nose, similar to the one Foyet gave him, had faded almost completely these last few months. Reminded, Hotch absent-mindedly trailed a finger over it, before turning his attention back to JJ.

"_It was nothing. I moved on quickly. When we were in there, there was a moment for sure I thought we were...especially you." _He almost stuttered out, and the hesitation in his voice and the fact that he was being so open took JJ off guard. She felt her skin flush, despite the air surrounding her.

"_I'm just glad we both got out alive. That's all I could ask for." _Hotch said, quieter still now, and looking around a little over his shoulder, wondering if people were listening. JJ didn't like the way he was so paranoid, but for now, with no solution in mind, or any indication they actually could have a relationship, she had to deal with it.

"_Only because of you." _JJ whispered back, and even though there were lights flashing, people running to and fro and far off sirens blasting, in that second when they locked eyes, it felt like it was just the two of them, alone. Hotch shook his head, about to object, when JJ silently brushed her hand against his. It was blocked from other people's view, by the side of their legs, against a nearby car, let alone because of the darkness. His fingers faltered for a moment before he entwined his briefly around hers. Suddenly, like an alarm, Hotch's phone let out a shrill ring causing both of them to jump. He immediately, like before, snapped out of his affection and moved his hand to reach his pocket. Pressing a button, he answered it, looking away from JJ again. She folded her arms.

"_Hotchner." _He answered, like always, and JJ listened to the one-sided conversation, trying to make sense of it. Eventually when he hung up, he looked back at her, his mask back on.

"_Morgan and Reid got him. Said he confessed to everything already and admitted that this guy was his partner." _He started, and JJ noticed he was talking in his clear, loud voice again. The one that was meant for people to hear if they walked by. The one that was unassuming of what was going on between them. She looked around, fidgeting on the spot and trying to hold in what she really wanted to say when she saw the coroners wheeling out the Unsub in a bodybag. JJ's heart quickened as she waited for the dread and panic to come, to push down on her chest and mind and make her nauseous again.

But it never did.

She felt oddly calm about it all. She knew it was the right thing to do, and seeing the scene before her now as it unraveled, whilst unsettling, wasn't distressing. She felt eyes on her, gauging how she'd cope, knowing Hotch was probably preparing for her to vomit again or something along those lines. JJ smirked in the darkness.

"_What?" _He asked, confused by her smile. JJ shook her head, dismissing it.

"_What do you need me to do?" _She asked, hoping there was something else but knowing deep down that Hotch would send her somewhere 'safe'. He'd want to make sure she wouldn't have a melt down after what had just happened, that was for certain. Even after saying he trusted in her abilities again.

"_I need you to take Prentiss, and go back to HQ. They're bringing him back there now and it'd be really helpful if you could inform the families when you can. Is that alright?" _He asked, studying her expression. She smiled again.

"_It's no problem Hotch." _JJ responded, rolling her eyes and peeling off her FBI vest as she gave him a quick nod and walked away. After a quick scan looking for Emily, she saw her already leaning against the SUV, her face composed.

**Oh crap**. JJ thought. This was a conversation she was not looking forward to. Why did things have to be so complicated?

Emily got in the car without another word, climbing into the driver's seat. JJ knew this was for various reasons, and the main two tonight were that it didn't give JJ an excuse for not concentrating on the conversation, and also that Emily, like Hotch, was probably being cautious about the fact that not even twenty minutes ago give or take, JJ had killed a man. She gritted her teeth, and climbed in the other side silently.

After pulling out of the space, and ringing Reid from in the car to let them know they were on their way back, Emily finally spoke to JJ.

"_Seriously Jayje. Talk to me." _She said firmly, and JJ didn't even bother looking to her, she just continued to stare out of the windshield, knowing the slightest tone in her voice or change in microexpressions would give something away in front of Prentiss. She chewed on her lip for a moment before speaking.

"_I don't know what to say." _She replied, keeping her tone casual. The heat from inside the car was feeling a little too stuffy even though she'd just been freezing in bitter temperatures outside. Emily scoffed, looking in her wing-mirror as she turned a corner.

"_I think it's a little late for that. If Rossi didn't know before, which I'm sure he did because that guy doesn't miss a trick, then he definitely knows now." _Emily said purposefully. JJ felt like she was being interrogated, but couldn't miss the care in Emily's voice too. She was genuinely trying to help out a friend. JJ rubbed her forehead, trying to figure things out.

"_He was one of the only ones that knew all along you weren't really dead. Never said it, but I could tell." _JJ responded, trying unsuccessfully to change the topic slightly. Emily pursed her lips as she thought over her next sentence. The car came to a halt at some red lights, and she turned around to face JJ briefly. JJ felt an obligation to look at her this time.

"_All I'm saying JJ, is that the more people who **know, **it's just more difficult to keep it under your control. You get that don't you?" _Emily asked her, placing a hand briefly on JJ's as it lay on the side of the seat. JJ nodded.

"_I know. It just makes me wonder though, if it stays like this...secretive, we'd never be able to go anywhere. And then I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my time already aren't I?" _She said back to Prentiss, and she gave her that same sad smile again. This conversation was starting to feel worse than shooting the unsub already. But it was bittersweet because JJ always felt better after venting to Emily.

"_I'm not sure. You can't do this without one of you, if not both of you losing your job. And you both value that too much to come out about whatever it is you're feeling for each other." _Emily stated, pulling off the handbrake again as she accelerated forward through the green light, her attention divided back onto the road now. JJ leant her head back against the chair. It had been a long day.

"_I don't even know what's going on. I feel like we're having the same conversation from the jet all over again. How will I ever come to a conclusion on what to do?" _She sighed. "_This still feels so strange to me. I mean I've worked with Hotch for over seven years...you can't just **develop** feelings for someone like that can you? If it was just because of the incident that happened months ago surely it would have worn off by now. But it's stayed, and I can't explain it, I just really really like him."_ JJ confided, feeling herself going redder and redder. She leant forward and moved the vents up slightly so the blast wasn't directly on her. Prentiss didn't miss this.

"_Well I am not one to give advice on this. In fact, I don't think anyone is. But obviously whoever knows on this team won't betray you two, though it will raise a few questions if you have another embrace like that." _Emily said, raising an eyebrow playfully and JJ covered her face with her hands, wanting the ground to swallow her right up. "_Okay, so it's not what happened between you two with that unsub that is making you feel this way falsely, but maybe that's what made you realize? You know, like what you went through made you closer and see each other differently? But w__hat I will say is: that it's definitely not one-sided. The Hotch I know would NEVER do that to anyone. The fact that he forgot, or chose to ignore the fact that two other agents from his unit were there as well surely means something JJ." _

It was true, JJ knew this. Hotch must like her back in this way. He acted differently in those rare moments than any side of him she'd seen working with him for so long. The thought of being openly in a relationship with him made her heart falter in a good way. He was all she could think about, he was the only person she longed to be with truly over the last few months. Why couldn't their jobs be simpler? Why couldn't they be free to do what they wanted, and properly test out their mutual feelings? This thought enveloped her mind.

But it was quickly blacked out by the thought of Strauss ever finding out.

Was it worth the risk?

She came out of her daze as her phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out to see she had a text message. As if he knew.

**Sorry for not being able to talk properly. We've been bad at that recently. We can do it when we get back home, I promise. **

Her heart thumped with every syllable in the text. Prentiss glanced over, but didn't ask any questions as JJ put her phone back again. At this rate, they may be able to go home by tomorrow. And then she would be able to have a real talk with him. One where they were free, away from the rest of the team to discuss whatever this was.

Oh, and she had to survive her mother first.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm really sorry if you think this story is going slowly. I feel like I don't want to skip over a lot of time because each bit is all so important and makes the outcome in the end a lot more worthy. I promise more things will happen soon and it will move forward quicker. Let me know what you thought in a review.**

**Summer holidays now - which means I'm free to type at my heart's desire. Updates a LOT more quickly. Promise. **


	32. The Forgiving

JJ knew this day would come. The one where she'd have to face her mother again, but that didn't mean that she was looking forward to it any more.

In the time since her sister had died, they grew far apart from each other. Her mother, unable to bear the striking resemblance between JJ and her, had cut herself off from her only living daughter, and in turn the rest of the world. She'd relied upon drink; trying to cope with the fact that her youngest child had felt the need to remove herself from their life. Of course, things were different now. JJ realized that this couldn't undo years of having to fend for herself after her father had passed away especially, but she knew that the reasoning was different. Her little sister hadn't chosen to escape from this world, she'd been murdered. The burden was still a heavy after all these years, but she hoped the weight had perhaps shifted a little from her mother's shoulders, as it certainly had from her own eventually.

JJ knew her mother had been kept up to date with the case. Rossi had explained that he was the one who personally made the phone calls or wrote the letters, knowing that JJ wouldn't want to do it. To be honest, she was surprised she'd taken much interest at all. To a mom, losing a child one way or the other was surely the same at first. She thought she'd have become numb to contact from the outside world, but sure enough she'd been responsive. Rossi even admitted that she'd called him or Hotch at the Bureau numerous times to see how JJ was doing; too afraid to call her directly until that day before they got the case. This made JJ's heart sink with bittersweet feelings. Her mother had actually cared all along how she was, she hadn't completely abandoned her. But on the other hand, it was such a simple thing, a **natural **thing for a mom to come and visit her daughter after such a tragic, awful event. Not that JJ was expecting it in the slightest, but the flicker of hope had always been there.

She made the last touches to her hair before there was a hesitant knock from the front door. JJ made sure that she looked..._well_was the only word to really describe it. She wanted to show her mom that she was okay, and coping. Her pulse sped up slightly as she made her way to the living room to answer it. There was a brief feeling of curiosity that washed over her; what would her mother look like after years and years of not seeing her? She couldn't even remember how many it was. But she knew the last time she'd seen her, even for a brief amount of time, was just before JJ had gotten the job as Media and Communications Liaison of the BAU.

As JJ pondered all of these thoughts that flashed into her head, she took a deep breath and pulled open the door with caution. All doubt was erased from her mind as her mother stepped forward without a word and put her arms around her; her blonde hair more silver in comparison to JJ's tickling her neck. She looked just the same as she could always remember, except more aged. Though not as much as JJ expected from the amount of alcohol she usually drank. As JJ pulled away from the embrace, she also realized that her mother didn't _smell_ of alcohol either. She brushed these questions off for now, overcome with emotion suddenly at seeing her mother stood before her; JJ's watery eyes mirroring hers now.

_"It is **really** good to see you Mom."_ JJ spoke first, breaking the slight tension between them. She'd thought the words would be harder to say but she felt them with all her heart. It was her mother after all. No matter what they'd been through or how they'd acted, they were flesh and blood.

"_You too darling." _She replied, and JJ heard the warmth in her voice. It wasn't forced like it had been through most of her teenage years; the 'darling' always sounding more so hopeless and lost in meaning. They looked at each for a minute more, smiling, before JJ led her into the kitchen where she made them both a cup of tea. Her mother, of course, not much of a tea drinker, but JJ when she'd seen her had always forced caffeine down her out of habit, to sober her up. This time though she took it gratefully and drunk it without complaint. It was eerily quiet in the kitchen, both of them not knowing where to start in terms of conversation, and overcome with emotions at the same time. Just as JJ was about to open her mouth after her last gulp of tea, her mother beat her to it.

"_You look wonderful Jennifer." _She said so softly, it sent shivers up JJ's spine. Compliments were rare normally. Already this visit was turning out quite different from the rest.

"_Thanks." _JJ replied, trying to smile as she took both of their mugs from them and placed them in the sink behind her, not bothering to wash them out just yet. Instead she took a seat opposite her mother on the stools by the counter rather than standing facing her. JJ let out a small exhale, trying to think where to go from here.

"_You actually look great yourself." _She said, not allowing herself to ask the question she really wanted to know the answer to. This didn't go past her mom though. As if by instinct, she knew what she was really saying.

"_I quit drinking." _She murmured, almost looking sheepish as she brought her gaze down to her hands which were locked together on the table in front of her. JJ found her mouth hanging open in shock, before she got a hold of herself again. That phrase was one she never thought she'd hear in her life time.

"_How long?" _Was all she found herself being able to ask. JJ saw the look on her mother's face; she wasn't lying. She could tell. She looked better, older yes, but better than she had in a long time. Her skin was no longer pale with a jaundice tint, but back to a slightly rosy color now she looked closer.

JJ's mother paused before replying. "_Since...you got hurt...by him." _She trailed off, not bothering to form a coherent sentence. JJ didn't have to press further. Even for her mom to be addressing it this directly was a miracle. JJ felt a genuine smile creep onto her face.

"_That's brilliant Mom. I'm proud of you." _JJ said, a new tone to her voice as she reached her hand over the table and placed it on top of her mother's. She looked up to meet JJ's gaze and smiled weakly too.

"_I didn't come here to tell you that though. I came here because it's about time I started doing my job properly as your mother." _She started, and JJ was surprised at how quickly they were getting into this conversation. She obviously needed to get it out, and JJ would let her do that, despite not wanting to get into this now. It was something they had to do.

She took a big breath in before taking one of her hands and putting it over JJ's now so that hers was between both of her mother's.

"_I need to apologize for everything that I did, or rather didn't do, in the past. But I'd rather that we didn't bother going back there and trying to fix things. Instead, I just want to make it up to you now, in the present. Because I can't change anything." _She mumbled, and JJ saw the look of devastation on her face. She suddenly felt like crying. This was all happening so soon, and even though it was something awful that had brought her here now, it was also one of the best moments, already, that they'd had together. JJ sniffed a little, trying to keep herself in control. Her mom seemed to do the same, glancing now uneasily into her blue eyes.

"_When David rang me to tell me what had happened to you, and eventually...her...I was in a state of shock. The thought that I could lose you as well as your sister tore me up inside. It was then that I realized I had to get my act together. After all these years, I had to make things right." _She persevered, keeping her breathing steady, and JJ mirrored her, letting her continue. She got the feeling that her mother had planned this on the ride over. Her mom, lived over a couple of hours away. After her sister had died, they'd moved out of their family home and into another, unfamiliar one. JJ had left for college, and eventually the FBI academy as soon as she could, wanting to get away from the ghosts that swarmed them still, but her mother had stayed in that second house, long after her father died, unable to move away. And even though they were only a couple of hours away, they rarely made the effort to see each other.

"_You mean more to me than I show you Jennifer. I love you so much, and I never told you that after your sister passed." _At this, JJ felt huge tears run down her face. But they were happy tears. Something she hadn't had in a while. It felt good.

"_Mom, I want you to know that although I **did** feel abandoned by you, I never thought for a second you didn't love me. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to lose her. I don't blame you for shutting-down." _JJ said; her voice rough with sobbing. Her Mom smiled at her, squeezing her hands.

"_I was wrong to handle it that way. You lost your younger sister as well as me losing my daughter. And after all this, it doesn't matter how she was taken from us, because I've finally accepted, that she's gone. I feel like I can move on, for the first time in decades." _Her voice grew more steady with the clarity now, and JJ wiped her own face, blinking hard to stop more tears from coming. _  
><em>

"_I know. Me too." _She replied.

And JJ knew there and then, that her and her Mom were going to be okay.

...

Luckily the team were not called in over the weekend, so JJ managed to convince her Mom to stay over for a couple of nights. They spent their time talking mostly, and one day, wrapped up warm to brave the chilly air by going on a small walk around JJ's block. At one point, JJ had, with trepidation, entwined her arm through her mothers, and without either of them saying a word about it, continued walking as one. It felt **right** after all these years to be doing what they were doing now, despite everything. JJ was slowly forgiving her for everything, and found it impossible to bear a grudge when she should be thankful that her mother, and her were okay. And even though they were both still with problems, they seemed menial compared to the two of them being together.

After talking on the couch on Saturday evening, JJ found herself telling her Mom how much she hated it now. It represented the days when she would stare blankly at the turned-off television in a state of severe depression. She didn't understand why she could talk so openly to her Mom now when they'd both been so reserved but it was as if the both of them had started fresh. Her mother had suggested that they should go shopping for a new one, saying the old one carried bad memories and that JJ should change that. She'd agreed, and on Sunday, the last day they were spending together, JJ found herself looking at the ones that converted into beds. Her Mom raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. JJ felt her skin flush but kept her features under control, as she looked at the price tag.

"_This way when you come and stay over in the future, you have somewhere better to sleep." _JJ explained, but knew that this wasn't the only reason, or the only person she was thinking of. Her Mom smiled ear to ear at this comment and JJ realized the improvement they'd made.

"_You actually want me to come over again?" _She asked JJ incredulously. JJ nodded her head.

"_Of course. We should do this more often. We both have to make an effort now, right?" _She asked her, knowing immediately that this was the right thing to say. She'd never seen her Mom look so happy, and that made JJ happy.

After arguing over who would pay for it, and allowing her Mom to in the end for her benefit, JJ put down her address for the delivery men to drop it off sometime in the next week as there was no way it was fitting in the car.

By the time they'd both finished, and washed up from the dinner that JJ had made for them, it was time for JJ's mother to start her journey back. JJ found herself dreading the moment when her Mother would leave, even though she knew it was coming. This time that they'd spent together was better than anything they'd ever done in their lives. They'd taken a big step in terms of their relationship, and it had paid off. As JJ helped her Mom pack up her things, her Mom spoke.

"_I just want you to know how much I enjoyed the last couple of days Jennifer. I didn't ever dream that I'd get these." _She said sentimentally and JJ put an arm around her Mom's shoulder as they made their way to the door reluctantly. JJ would have to go back into work tomorrow, where she'd have to face the other half of her life. She hadn't replied to Hotch's last message about them needing to talk more fully, and had instead, just told him that her mother was in town so she would be spending time with her for the weekend. She could only handle one thing at a time, and right now her Mom was the priority.

"_I've loved having you Mom. I'm so glad we did this. You're welcome any time, you know that right?" _JJ asked her seriously, and pulled her into a hug that was more comfortable than their first one now. JJ's mom stroked her back and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"_And you too darling." _She responded, with a look of happiness in her eyes. They stood there for a moment, before JJ's Mom pushed her bag further up her shoulder, and reaching for the door, halting before she opened it fully.

"_Your sister would be very proud of you. I know it." _She said with certainty and resolve. JJ pressed her lips together before beaming.

"_She'd be proud of you too." _

...

As JJ sat in her office flicking through the most recent case files, and answering phones to police departments from all over the country, she couldn't help but ponder how well the weekend had gone. Neither of them had expected anything of the sort. And whilst they talked, they didn't linger on the past, or what had happened to JJ. Her mother, whilst caring, obviously still couldn't handle knowing all the details and JJ was more than happy not to go into them again, wanting to move on from them completely.

The phone rang again and JJ picked it up, talking to the PD of Arizona about a recent body found, when there was a knock at her own door, she said nothing, knowing depending on who it was that they would either walk in, or know that she was busy and leave, and sure enough Hotch cautiously opened the door, stepping in and closing it behind him as he saw she was talking to someone. JJ gave him the one minute sign with her hand and he sat down in the seat opposite her, a slip of paper in his hands. Eventually, when JJ said goodbye to the Detective, she turned to Hotch.

"_Hey." _She breathed, putting the phone down, and resuming her hold of her pen. Hotch put the paper in front of her and pointed to a dotted line.

"_You need to sign this. It's just another progress check from Strauss." _He shrugged and JJ realized how strange it was for Hotch to be so relaxed about a procedure like this. He normally dedicated his life to protocol, yet he seemed distracted now. JJ glanced over it, swirling the pen over the paper swiftly to mark her initials before handing it back to Hotch, seeing the frown on his face, and the tight line he'd moved his lips into.

"_I'm no profiler, but you seem like you've got something else on your mind apart from this form." _JJ said suddenly, and he broke from his thoughts, taking the paper back from her, and looking absentmindedly out of her office window before looking back to her, regaining himself.

"_How was your weekend with your Mother?" _He asked caringly, and JJ frowned this time.

"_Hotch, aren't you too busy to talk now?" _She asked disbelievingly. They may feel a certain way towards each other, but they most definitely couldn't let it show through their workload. She also found it bizarre how different Hotch acted around her from what she'd known in the last few years of working with him. Yes, they'd always been on the same level, in-sync with each other constantly and gelling perfectly, but she never knew he had such a caring side too. It made her heart flutter in her chest as she thought back to their kisses.

Something that they should never have done.

"_I got some time." _He replied, smirking a little as JJ felt herself blush.

"_Well, in that case, it was good thank you." _She said, shuffling some papers out of her way so she could place her elbows on the desk in front of her, praying that her phone wouldn't ring for a minute so she could have this time with him, alone.

"_I'm taking it, because she stayed the weekend you sorted some things out?" _He asked. "_Not that you have to tell me or anything..." _Hotch added, looking guilty. JJ reached out her hand and placed it on his arm for a split second before remembering that people could see in to her office, and that they had to be careful.

"_It's okay Aaron, I don't want to keep anything from you. I don't think we really **can **after everything that's happened between us."_ She said, smiling playfully and Hotch loosened a little. "_I actually bought a new sofa. Well technically it's a sofa-bed." _She said, and Hotch raised his eyebrows in the same way JJ's mother had.

"_We talked a lot, got a lot of stuff out there, you know? I think we're actually okay." _JJ continued, and saw Hotch's eyes soften.

"_I'm glad for you JJ, I really am." _He replied playing with the paper in his hands.

Just then, Morgan suddenly burst into the office, making both of them jump and check themselves, even though they weren't doing anything that could be considered abnormal. Morgan looked between the two of them, and JJ could have sworn there was a glimmer of knowing in his eyes.

"_I've been looking for you two. Rossi has volunteered his house tonight for-" _He started but was cut off by a shout in the background.

"_Mansion!" _

JJ and Hotch both laughed a little before Hotch's face went back to his stoic-work one.

"_Mansion even, for another one of his cooking nights. Garcia roped him into it. You in?" _Morgan asked, and JJ's phone rang again, just as Hotch's mobile lit up ten seconds later. JJ nodded before hearing Hotch tell Morgan on his way out that "he'd let him know later, depending on how much work he had to do." Morgan gave them a thumbs up before Prentiss called his name from the other side of the bullpen to come and look at something. A moment's peace around here was rare and it seemed that they'd had theirs for the day now.

JJ's head span as she realized that tonight, with everyone there, she'd have to be extra careful not to give anything away that there was something between Hotch and her. Who even knew out of all of them? Surely a bunch of profilers who can catch the most prolific serial killers in history would be able to pick up that there was an internal relationship going on. JJ's chest felt heavy, something that usually happened when she got to thinking how hopeless this thing between them was. Before she could let herself get into a panic attack about it though, she turned her attention back to the lawyer on the other end of her line and ignored the tiny voice racing through the back of her mind.

_**This is never going to work.**_

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><p><strong>AN: It seems that I am useless at updating this story compared to my Hunger Games one, and for that I apologise sincerely if there's anyone still reading this! I'm finding these chapters a bit tedious as they're kind of in-between the action and are needed to help move things along (slowwwlllyy) yet I feel like they don't give you much! The next chapter will be better, I promise. **

**Thanks for nearly 100 reviews, they mean the world to mean, even if they are one line (good or constructive).**

**xo**


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